Resident Evil: Super Quest
by kamesen
Summary: The cast of the RE games are in a race against time to buy the new 'Resident Evil 5' game first! Rated T for slapstick violence, occasional foul language, and bizarre sexual innuendos, especially Sherry's closet pervertedness. Dedicated to Wesker Chick.
1. Prologue

**Resident Evil: Super Quest**

_By: Kamesen_

_Note: This tale is inspired by __Wesker Chick's__ works, especially 'Survivor Resident Evil Style' and 'Camp Umbrella'. I enjoy reading those stories very much. Ergo, this story is dedicated to her, and to all the RE fans._

_All 'Resident Evil' characters © Capcom_

_Anyone else © whoever owns them_

**Prologue**

The story begins on a normal day at the S.T.A.R.S. office. Albert Wesker, the man in black, sits at his desk, arms folded over his broad chest and feet up on the table. His head is bowed slightly as he surveys the others with a steely gaze that is unreadable behind the shades he wears.

Jill Valentine and Chris Redfield are going over mountains of case paperwork. Their respective blue and green combat vests are slung over the backs of their chairs, making it apparent that they've been at it for a while now. Chris flips through several crime scene photos, frowning as he turns them upside down, and then turns them yet again. Jill is staring intensely at her papers, rubbing her forehead strenuously with one hand as the other holds a pen. Secretly, she is doing a crossword puzzle that is hidden underneath the papers.

Barry Burton reaches into his red vest, pulling out a cleaning rag. He takes a seat by the gun locker and begins to lovingly polish his colt python squirtgun. Joseph Frost looks on with a bored expression, toying with his bandana and occasionally reaching into a box on the nearby desk to grab a Krispy Kreme™ doughnut.

Last and least, Brad Vickers is seated behind his desk, unmoving, unblinking, both hands resting in front of the radio controls on his desk. He listens to the radio on his headphones, staring hard at nothing. The top two buttons of his yellow vest are undone, partially revealing a t-shirt that reads 'Kiss The Cop'.

"Hey, Captain Wesker," Chris starts, frowning at the photos again. "Do you think that-" he looks up, pausing as he stares at Wesker. "Captain?" No response.

A light snore escapes from Wesker, causing Jill and Chris to chuckle amongst themselves. Joseph just smirks, while Barry is too engrossed in his guns to notice anyway. Brad doesn't even know what's going on, but he laughs stupidly, trying to look cool. Everyone just sort of sighs and looks away from him, returning to what they were doing.

Just then, Anthony Mihovich, Leon Scott Kennedy's cousin, walks into the S.T.A.R.S. office. He is wearing jeans and a hand-me-down S.T.A.R.S. t-shirt with a 'kick me' sign taped to the back. "Hey," he says quietly.

Brad clutches his headset in horror, uttering a loud, high-pitched scream. Everyone jumps, and then looks annoyed. Wesker falls out of his chair and onto the floor. "NO, NOT THE BUTTERSCOTCH!" he cries. For a long, uncomfortable moment, everyone stares at him, except for Brad who is panting quietly and looking frightened.

"What, what…what is it…" Wesker blurts, quickly jumping up from behind his desk. "I'm awake, I'm awake." He regains his composure, straightening his shades and running a hand through his blonde hair. "Alright people, less talkie more workie," he says, clapping his hands twice. He then looks to Anthony. "What do you want."

"Captain!" Anthony screams, snapping to the position of attention and hurling up a sharp salute. "I'm here to inform you that Resident Evil 5 is scheduled for release in Japan tomorrow!"

One, and then both of Wesker's eyebrows raise in surprise. Chris spits out the coffee that he has been drinking, getting it all over Jill's crossword puzzle. She is too shocked to notice, however. Joseph and Barry look up in shock as well, Joseph sputtering as Barry's squirtgun goes off in his face. Brad just sort of gives a really gay looking smile and he whimpers with apparent joy.

"My _gosh_," Wesker states gravely, clenching a fist. "Everyone! TO THE BUS!" There is a brief moment of complete silence before the entire room springs into action. Everyone scrambles over each other, grabbing gear and heading for the door. The mission to purchase the new Resident Evil game has begun…


	2. The Gang's All Here

_All 'Resident Evil' characters © Capcom_

_Anyone else © whoever owns them_

**Chapter 1: The Gang's All Here**

The S.T.A.R.S. alpha team, along with the inexperienced but willing rookie Anthony, piles out of the RPD and races for the bus. Somehow, Brad makes it there first. He climbs on and plops down into the driver's seat, still wearing his radio headset.

Wesker pats the window quickly to get his attention, and then swirls his finger through the air, the signal to start the helicopter blades…even though it's a bus, and not a helicopter…

Brad stares at him for a moment, looking dumbfounded. Everyone else is crammed by the door, pushing and shoving. Wesker sighs and pulls the door open, stepping up into the bus.

"I…can't pilot a bus, sir…" Brad mutters sadly. Wesker jerks his thumb to the side, motioning for Brad to beat it. Brad stands up and breaks into tears, over-dramatically running/stumbling to the rear of the bus. Then, taking control as usual, Wesker jumps into the driver's seat and beckons everyone aboard. Alpha team piles on, and takes their seats.

Chris and Jill share a seat near the front on the right side, Barry and Joseph take opposite seats in the middle, and Brad heads to the bathroom at the back of the bus and locks himself inside. Sounds of pathetic whimpering and crying are heard until the light finally clicks on from behind the door. Anthony jogs up the steps of the bus entrance, flashing a quick grin at the other passengers.

"Wow, he really does look a lot like Leon," Jill states randomly. Chris just grunts, putting his knees up on the seat in front of him and focusing on his gameboy.

"Yeah that's great, now get back there, rookie," Wesker orders snidely. Anthony drops his grin immediately and nods.

"Yes sir," he replies, hurrying towards the back of the bus.

"Alright everyone, we're taking off!" Wesker shouts. He closes the doors and twists the key in the ignition, bringing the bus's powerful engine to life.

Without hesitation, Wesker slams his foot down on the gas. Chris and Jill are plastered against their seats, Chris still focused on his gameboy while Jill makes weird over-exaggerated faces from the 'crushing' g-forces. Barry manages to hang onto his seat, but Joseph is bumped about slightly and he drops the combat knife he was sharpening, which goes spinning end over end to the back of the bus. The knife slams into the bathroom door that Brad is just opening, causing the man to scream again and slam the door shut, taking refuge in the bathroom.

Anthony, meanwhile, hasn't gotten to a seat yet, and goes flying to the back of the bus. With a hollow thud, he slams into the rear window and slowly slides to the floor, uttering a pained groan.

Wesker's face is an unreadable, emotionless mask. However, as the bus speeds up faster and faster, a smirk slowly begins to crawl up the edges of his lips. The smirk turns into a smile, which quickly grows into a wide, psychotic grin as the speedometer reaches one hundred miles an hour.

"LOOK OUT!" Jill screams suddenly. Up ahead, a figure moves across the road. Everyone (except the dazed Anthony) braces for impact. Wesker slams on the brakes, and inertia takes course as the bus drops from 100 to 0 in mere moments. A horrible skidding noise fills the bus as everyone is thrown forwards in their seats.

Anthony is flung from his prone position at the back of the bus, flying through the air. "AaaaaAAAAAH-" THUD! He hits the windshield and utters a second pained groan, sliding down the glass and collapsing to the bus floor.

"Weapons out, everyone," Wesker orders gruffly, stepping over Anthony's body as if nothing had happened. He kicks the bus doors open with vicious bravado and whips out his nine, stepping into the dusk-hued evening.

Jill and Chris are close behind, both drawing their weapons. Barry and Joseph are right on their heels, fanning out to the sides and pulling out their guns as well. Joseph gives a skeptical look to Barry's water pistol, but shakes his head and focuses his attention on the shape lying in the road ahead.

The group begins to slowly move forward. Meanwhile, Anthony is clutching his face and clambering out of the bus. He pitches sideways as he exits the vehicle, and collapses off the side of the road into a small ditch. Meanwhile, Brad has apparently decided to stay in the bathroom.

Jill steps closer, squinting in the dimness. "I…I think it's a little girl!"

"AAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Chris screams, emptying his clip at the shape but somehow missing with every shot. The others dive for cover as Chris goes berserk, firing until the clip runs dry. After several empty 'clicks', a wide-eyed Chris slowly lowers his weapon, breathing hard and sweating.

"Jeez Chris, she said 'little girl', not 'zombie'," Joseph mutters, uncovering his head and standing up straight.

"Of course," Chris agrees immediately, quickly regaining his composure and putting the gun away. Wesker swats him in the back of the head as Barry moves forward to inspect the body.

After a few moments, he furrows his brow and makes a statement. "It's Sherry. I hope it isn't Birkins' Sherry."

"Dang it, Barry, I wish you'd stop using that stupid line," Chris scoffs. Barry walks over to him.

"It's Chris. I hope it isn't Chris's Chris."

Chris simply looks dumbfounded at this. Meanwhile, Joseph starts poking Sherry. She wakes up suddenly and bites his hand. "AAAHH!" Joseph screams, yanking his hand away. Everyone trains their weapons on Sherry.

"Hey! I'm not a zombie!" Sherry explains, throwing her hands in the air. No one lowers their gun. Chris starts to, but then he looks at everyone else and quickly snaps the gun up again, looking overly menacing at Sherry.

"FREEZE!" cries a voice. Out of the nearby lonesome and very scraggly bushes leap several more figures. It's the two treacherous Umbrella scientists, William and Annette Birkin! William stands in the road now, smirking triumphantly while he holds a plastic spoon towards the group as if it were a gun. "Excellent work, Sherry. Now we have them where we want them!" His smile drops quickly as five guns are pointed at his head from various angles.

"That's a spoon, Birkin. A spoon. Not a gun," Wesker explains darkly. He cocks the hammer on his very large handgun, making William swallow hard.

"Now now, let's not be hasty," the scientist pleads, forcing a smile.

Annette pushes past her husband, putting her hands on her hips and glaring at the S.T.A.R.S. "We WERE going to hijack your bus, but…as you can see, we're a little under-armed. Regardless, you will grant us passage on your vehicle. We too are eager to purchase the new Resident Evil game."

Wesker sarcastically mimics Annette's request as he puts his gun away. "Fine, get on the stupid bus, you stupid b-"

"THANK you," William says quickly, ushering his family over towards the bus. Joseph and Barry part, letting them through. Joseph quickly puts his hands behind his back, anticipating another attack from Sherry.

"I SWEAR, man, she's a frickin' ZOMBIE, man!" Joseph claims under his breath.

"Let it go," Chris replies softly, patting his back. One by one, they follow Wesker back to the bus.

Wesker opens the doors and hops inside, turning around and extending one hand, palm up. "Tickets, please," he orders.

"We don't HAVE tickets, you numbskull," Chris points out rudely, shoving past him.

Wesker just sort of scowls in quiet confusion and then shakes his head, looking out to the others. Joseph and Jill are chatting, Sherry is hopping up and down and tugging on William's lab coat, and Annette is gaping in bewilderment at Barry, who is tilting his head back and trying to drink from his squirtgun.

"Jill, fish Anthony's corpse out of the ditch," Wesker orders.

Jill makes a sound like a pissed off five year old and stamps her foot, glaring. Wesker just glares back, and Jill sticks her tongue out at him and spins on her heel, stalking towards the ditch.

"Blah blah blah, my name is Wesker! Blah blah blah, do this, do that, blah blah BLAH!" Jill grunts lightly as she hauls Anthony over her shoulder and turns to head back to the bus.

"Mommy…are we at grandma's house yet?" Anthony asks quietly, in a daze.

"Yeah, almost there," Jill replies with a sigh, clambering up the bus steps and dumping him in a seat. Wesker closes the doors, and the bus takes off once again, into the darkening night…

_

* * *

Note: The chapters proceeding this one will follow the adventures of other groups of Resident Evil characters. Every chapter will feature different groups of characters (so that every few chapters, it will have rotated back to the first group and then run through the groups again until the final showdown). I hope this works. Also, sorry for this being such a long chapter. The next ones will be short and sweet. Hope you enjoy!_


	3. Somewhere In The Mediterranean

_All 'Resident Evil' characters © Capcom_

_Anyone else © whoever owns them_

**Chapter 2: Somewhere In The Mediterranean**

"Staaaarrrsss…" Captain Nemesis of the Umbrella navel vessel growls. For the eightieth time that day, he adjusts his Napoleon-style commander's hat and squints down at his compass.

First mate Marcus paces impatiently along the deck of the ship, sighing in annoyance. He spins to face Nemesis, robes whipping about in the breeze. "This rickety old pirate boat is the only thing that Umbrella could afford to give us!" Marcus bellows. Nemesis is too busy toying with the hat on his head to notice Marcus's outburst.

"Why do _I _have to swab the deck!" Morpheus tyrant thingy whines, prodding at his eyepatch for a moment. After no one responds, (s)he simply sighs and dunks the mop into the bucket of water again, and continues mopping. But then he stops, slamming the end of the mop against the deck and putting a hand on his hip. "And WHO is playing that AWFUL song!"

A zombie who is playing 'Blow the Man Down' on his tuba promptly stops, lowering his head in shame.

"Captain, the zombie crew is complaining about the journey. They're saying that you're lost and that we're never going to see dry land again," Marcus explains.

"Yarrrrrr," Nemesis grumbles, turning the ship's wheel five pegs to the starboard side.

"Yes, I understand, sir, but…Sir Alfred and Lady Alexia are counting on us. If we fail this mission to purchase Resident Evil 5, then it's back to the sandwich factory for us. Do you really want that?" Marcus asks.

"…Staaarrrss…"

"That's the spirit."

Suddenly, the boat rocks with a dull impact. "What in blazes…" Marcus reels to the side slightly. "Blast it all to hell…MISTER CHRISTOPHER!" he yells.

Morpheus walks up, looking angry. "I told you to stop calling me that!" he retorts.

"Nonsense," Marcus says with a wave of his hand. "Every good ship must have a Mister Christopher on it. Anyway, I want you to dump some more chum over the side. That blasted Neptune is trying to eat our ship again."

Morpheus switches his eyepatch to the other eye, looking confused. "What? Why don't we just shoot the damned thing with a harpoon?"

"Staaars…" Nemesis interjects, shaking his head.

Marcus sighs. "No, we can't do that. Glorious cap'n Nemmy says that we need to keep Neptune with us so that we can use it against our opponents. So get chumming, chum."

"Psh…hmph…" Morpheus stalks off, shaking his head. He heads to the stern of the ship, grabbing a bucket. Then, making a horrible face, he opens the chum locker and scoops up a bucketful of fish guts. "Stupid rassafraggin bling blang honka…" He hauls the bucket to the side and dumps the contents overboard, nearly puking from the horrid stench.

Neptune is going wild below, thrashing about in the water. "There's your stupid fish guts, ya damn oversized minnow!" Morpheus curses. He tosses the bucket aside and cringes again, wiping his hands off on a nearby zombie before returning to the main deck.

On deck, Marcus is clapping a hand over his eyes in dismay as Nemesis peers the wrong way through a telescope. "Ssstaaarrsss…sstarrs…staaars…" He looks down at the telescope and then starts shaking it lethargically. Finally he roars loudly and throttles the thing, then hurls it away, beaning one of the zombies in the head and knocking him overboard.

Nemesis seethes quietly for a moment before calming down. All of a sudden, one of Marcus's leeches slithers over and sits up in front of him, grunting quietly. Nemesis looks down, stares at the thing for a moment, and then screams like a girl and runs off.

* * *

_Note: Thanks for the comments, everyone! I'm very glad that you're enjoying the story. Most of the initial chapters have already been written up to a certain point; I'm just touching them up and posting them on a semi-irregular basis. Meanwhile, I really must make sure to try and get to work on the next set of chapters so that I don't fall behind. The show...must go on... I tried to include everyone from all of the games, so you'll see everyone pop in at least for a little while. And of course, Alfred and Alexia will appear in a couple of chapters >: )_


	4. Fly The Friendly Skies

_All 'Resident Evil' characters © Capcom_

_Anyone else © whoever owns them_

**Chapter 3: Fly The Friendly Skies**

"Todas las chicas monas quieren Carlos. Las chicas monas monas quieren Carlos," Carlos Oliviera sings loudly as he pilots the enormous blimp through the clouds.

"Stop..singing..that STUPID song!" Nicholai Ginovaef growls, clutching his machine gun angrily. Carlos pouts for a moment before returning his attention to the window. The large red and white blimp with the Umbrella logo on the side breaks through the clouds, puttering across the sky. Onboard the cabin beneath the enormous oval-shaped balloon itself resides Carlos, Nicholai, Mikhail Viktor, Hunk, and Rodrigo Raval.

"Are we there yet?" Mikhail asks, poking his belly.

"No," Nicholai grumpily replies.

Mikhail frowns, looks down, pokes himself in the belly again and then looks up at Nicholai and asks the same question. "Are we there yet?"

"No," Nicholai replies yet again.

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet-"

"-No-"

"-Are we there yet-"

"-NO-"

"-Are we there yet-"

"-_NO!_"

The cabin grows uncomfortably silent after Nicholai's outburst. Hunk is chuckling, while Rodrigo is dozing off in a chair. Mikhail frowns again at the floor before looking up at Nicholai again and squinting in discomfort. "I have to use the toilet," he admits quietly.

Nicholai's face turns red with anger, and it looks like he's going to explode.

"Bathroom's thattaway, chief," Hunk interjects, hiking a thumb towards the back of the cabin. Mikhail nods vigorously and shuffles over to the bathroom.

Somewhat satisfied, Nicholai turns and faces Carlos again. Carlos just stares at him for a moment, and then starts dancing and singing "It was Istanbul, now Constantinople, what was Istanbul is Constantinople.." Nicholai rolls his eyes and turns around.

"How much longer until we reach Japan?" he asks Hunk, trying to ignore Carlos.

Hunk sighs, looking down at his expensive covert ops wristwatch. "In this thing? Several days at least."

Nicholai grits his teeth and rubs the bridge of his nose. "I don't think I'll be able to hold onto my sanity much longer. Please tell me that Resident Evil 5 is going to be worth it," he pleads.

Hunk just shrugs. "Don't know myself. It'll probably be pretty good."

An extremely loud fart coming from the cabin bathroom causes Nicholai's eyes to widen in shock. "'Pretty good' isn't going to cut it," he replies with much disdain.


	5. Who Invited Him

_All 'Resident Evil' characters © Capcom_

_Anyone else © whoever owns them_

**Chapter 4: Who Invited Him**

Leon Kennedy stifles another yawn as he grips the steering wheel lightly, focusing on the road ahead. The dark blue Buick drives smoothly down the highway, lit by the first rays of morning light. It's chilly outside, but Leon is quite warm in his jeans, combat boots, long-sleeve shirt, and brown leather coat with wool collar. Beside him, in the passenger seat, sits Claire Redfield. The young woman is asleep, her head nodding slightly against the seat with each subtle bump on the road. Although she's dressed in only her jeans, boots, and somewhat skimpy t-shirt and vest, Leon has placed a small blanket over her to keep her warm. He glances at her, smiling as Claire shifts a bit in the seat. Her eyes flutter lightly and then open, and she stretches. They share a brief glance, and Leon smiles sheepishly, Claire smiling softly as well,-

"MnNNNmmMMMMMmmhh!" The two of them freeze, turning to look at the backseat of the car. Steve Burnside, sporting his prison shirt and camo pants, wriggles about in his seat, asleep. He starts kicking the back of Claire's seat, tossing and turning wildly.

"Hey!" Claire cries out, as she is rocked violently in her seat.

Leon sighs deeply, hands tightening on the wheel as he forces himself not to throttle the teen behind them. "Steve," he pleads quietly.

Steve continues to whine and thrash, whacking Ada Wong in the head.

"OW!" Ada exclaims, covering her head as best she can and ducking low in her seat, which is beside Steve in the back of the car.

"STEVE!" Leon yells. Claire sighs, rubbing her eyes. She sinks down low in her seat and stares out the windshield sleepily. Ada just crosses her arms, shaking her head as she too settles back in her seat. She straightens her ever-in-style red silk slit dress and the large black hoodie that is pulled over it.

Steve opens one eye, then the other. "Mmmmh...we there yet?" he asks, yawning and stretching. Ada glares at him and ducks as his arm passes over her head.

"No," Leon replies quietly. "We're almost in California right now. Once we hit the coast, we'll take a plane," he explains.

"Won't that be expensive?" Claire asks.

"Well," Leon replies. "I made enough cash selling all those gold chicken eggs to last us for a while."

Claire is looking confused. Ada is looking amused. Steve is looking at Claire.

"I'm thirsty," he blurts out in a whiney voice. The tension dripping from Leon is thick enough to choke a Licker. "Claire, could you get me a drink?" Steve asks.

"Uh, sure," she replies, reaching down to the cooler in-between the front seats. She flips it open with one hand, revealing sandwiches, fruit, and drinks. Claire picks a random juice box and-

"Oh not those ones," Steve interjects. A slow smile crawls across his mouth. "...The ones on the bottom," he whispers. "They're colder." He winks.

"Um...ok," Claire says with a nervous smile, bending over further in her seat to dig into the cooler

Steve leans forwards anxiously in his seat, watching as more and more of Claire's bare midsection is revealed. "Oo-oh…mmmmmhhh…mmmmmm….MMMMMH…"

You can practically hear Leon's teeth squeaking in protest as they grind together. His pupils are the size of periods in the rearview mirror. It is amazing that the steering wheel hasn't broken in half yet, with how tightly he is gripping it.

"Hey, what's this?" Claire sits up, frowning at a vial of blue liquid in a double helix that she's holding.

"Um, NOTHING!" Ada bursts suddenly, looking out the window, eyes wide. "Oh wow, look at the...cars and stuff!" she rambles.

Claire shrugs and puts it back, then grabs a juice box. "Here you go, Steve." She hands the box back to Steve, who has a big smile on his face.

"Thanks Claire," he drawls seductively as he takes the box, his hand lingering on hers. "You know, you've got a really nice ass."

"WHAT!" Claire cries, shocked.

"Um, I said I like largemouth bass!" Steve blurts.

The car is silent for a few moments. Claire turns and leans back against her seat, frowning nervously. Leon's grip on the steering wheel grows even tighter. Ada is giving an overly sarcastic thumbs-up/open-mouthed grin to Steve, who is plucking at the straw on his juice box and staring wide-eyed at the windshield.

"Oh my gosh, a rabbit!" Leon yells over-dramatically, jerking the steering wheel. The Buick swerves sharply on the empty, rabbit-less road. Claire squeaks in surprise, Ada calmly keeps her balance, and Steve pokes himself in the eye with his straw.

"AAAAH MY EYE!" he cries, clutching his face. Leon smirks as his vengeance is exacted.

The Buick continues to drive down the road...


	6. The Other Bus

_All 'Resident Evil' characters © Capcom_

_Anyone else © whoever owns them_

**Chapter Five: The Other Bus**

"Seventy three thousand five hundred and twenty two bottles of beer on the wall, seventy three thousand five hundred and twenty two bottles of beeeer, ya take one down, pass it around, seventy three thousand five hundred and twenty one bottles of beer on the wall!"

Rebecca Chambers' eyes flutter, rolling up into the back of her head as the droning song continues. At the front of the bus, a group of men from S.T.A.R.S. bravo team is singing happily.

Enrico Marini, Bravo team leader, is at the wheel of the enormous double-decker bus, happily singing along with the two Bravo team pilots Edward Dewey and Kevin Dooley. Meanwhile, in the back of the bus, seated around a small table under a naked hanging lightbulb, sit three other members of the Bravo team. Richard Aiken, Kenneth Sullivan, and Forest Speyer are involved in a lazy game of cards.

"Got any sevens?" Kenneth drawls, rubbing his eyes.

"Mmmnnnaah…" Richard replies tiredly. "Go fish."

Forest is toying with a rubber band now, and he stretches it, aiming towards the front of the bus. Closing one eye, he sticks out his tongue in concentration and aims at the back of Rebecca's head…

"Rebecca!" a voice hisses. Rebecca snaps out of it, looking down. Billy Coen is wedged under the seat in front of her, peeking up.

"Billy!" Rebecca hisses back. "Quit peeking out, someone's gonna see you!" She leans forward-

Forest's rubber band goes flying over Rebecca and smacks Enrico in the back of the head. The Bravo team leader is knocked out instantly, dropping like a brick onto the steering wheel.

HOOOOOOOONK! The bus swerves wildly as Enrico's limp form covers the wheel.

"Holy CRAP!" Edward cries, grabbing one side of the wheel. Kevin grabs the other side, and they struggle to straighten out the bus.

Kenneth, Richard, and Forest are snickering hysterically, crouching down low in the back.

"What's going on out there!" Billy whispers harshly.

"Just stay down!" Rebecca orders under her breath, cramming a ham sandwich into his mouth. Billy is shocked for a moment, but then a look of satisfaction crosses his face and he slips back under the seat.

Enrico sits up suddenly, shaking his head. "Ugh…what hit me…"

"Sir, please take the wheel!" Edward screams.

"Oh right." Enrico grabs the wheel, and the bus straightens out. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief.

"That murdering bastard, Lt. Billy Coen, must be behind this!" Enrico growls. "The reports say that he killed as many as twenty two men or something. We don't wanna let Alpha team down on this mission. If Billy Coen is alive somewhere, then he's surely plotting to keep us from getting our hands on the new Resident Evil 5 game!" There is a long, awkward pause as everyone stares at Enrico. "…OK, GO FIND HIM!" Enrico cries excitedly. Everyone (except for Rebecca and of course Billy, who is still under the seat in front of hers) gets up and sort of starts meandering around the lower level of the bus, not really sure what to do.

"Shhhhhaving cream," Rebecca mutters, clenching her fists on top of her thighs in anxiety. Billy, oblivious to the danger he's in, is happily munching away on his ham sandwich. All of a sudden, Rebecca gets an idea. "OH MY GOSH, A FIVE-ASSED MONKEY!" she screams, frantically pointing towards the windshield.

Everyone else immediately books it to the front of the bus, fighting for a view.

"Come on!" Rebecca whispers through clenched teeth, dragging Billy out from under the seat and pulling him down the isle of the bus. They make their escape up the stairs, to the second level.

"I don't see any monkeys," Forest mutters, rubbing his head.

"This is obviously the work of that murdering bastard, Lt. Billy Coen," Enrico seethes. "Alright everyone, fan out! Use your guns and stuff! Move, move, move!"

"Ok!" Kevin blurts, heading for the exit door.

"No, you idiot! We're on a moving BUS!" Richard grabs Kevin by the shoulder, yanking the man back.

"Come on guys," Kenneth says with a wave of his hand. "Let's go bag us an escaped murderer."

The search is on…

* * *

_Note: This is the last of the pre-written chapters that I have. From now on, updates will be less frequent as I have to...well...write the next few chapters. I'm glad you've enjoyed the story thus far! I hope that the next installment will not be a dissapointment._


	7. Masterminds of Evil, or not

_All 'Resident Evil' characters © Capcom_

_Anyone else © whoever owns them_

**Chapter Six: Masterminds of Evil...or not**

Inside the enormous, dark and eerie chamber, an evil man in black robes sits on a throne. It is none other than Lord Osmund Saddler. He raises his hooded head and glares out into the shady recesses of the castle chamber. "Nemesis has had his chance. Krauser. Go get the game."

"Mmmm naaaaah." Jack Krauser replies, lazily slapping at the controls of a pinball machine against the east wall of the chamber.

"Damn it!" Saddler yells, stamping his feet repeatedly. "Krauser's not listening to me again!"

"Settle down!" a powerful feminine voice calls out. The chamber becomes silent. On another throne, against the west wall, sits Alexia Ashford. She looks pissed off and annoyed all at the same time. "Nemesis will do fine. In the meantime, we must concoct other evil plans and stuff," she says darkly. Her brother Alfred nods excitedly beside her.

"Yes, dear sister!" he cries with glee. "And then we shall have Resident Evil 5 in our possession! Mmmmahah…mmmahahahahaha!" he titters. Alexia slaps the back of his head to silence him.

"Fine," Saddler grumbles.

Alexia gracefully folds one leg over the other as a malevolent smile forms on her lips. "Now then...we must begin to-" _PprrrrrRRRRRT... _Alexia looks over at her brother in shock, who is staring wide-eyed at nothing as if to try and feign innocence. He notices her staring at him, and quickly looks to her.

"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!" Alfred screams.

"As if! How DARE you flatulate in my presence!" Alexia swats her brother again and waves a hand around to try and clear the air. Saddler just sighs.

From further down the darkened corridors comes the sound of a whiny electric motor. And an even whinier voice. "I want a tee vee deener!" Brrrzzzzz... Ramon Salazar comes zipping into the chamber, riding in a Powerwheels toy car. Everyone watches him as he loses control of the vehicle and runs into the front steps leading up to the throne. The pint sized menace tumbles out of his overturned car, kicking and flailing at the air.

"Uuuuh..." Saddler just sort of sinks down lower in his seat and pulls his hood over his eyes. The entire chamber falls into an extremely awkward silence as Salazar finally manages to push himself up into a sitting position.

He huffs and puffs for a moment, staring angrily/confusedly at nothing. Finally, he looks over to Saddler, who shrinks down into his chair. "When are we going to get Resident Evil 5? Am I in that game? I want to play it! I WANT TO PLAY IT RIGHT NOW!" Salazar cries, pounding his fists against his thighs.

"We're _working_ on that," Alexia replies as calmly as she can, although it is easy to see that she is annoyed by the miniature minion. She sits back in her throne, casting a snake-like gaze as she smirks slyly. "In ADDITION to the forces that we already have on the way to purchase the game, we also have counter-forces to _impede _our foes. Mr. X and El Gigante are en route to the two S.T.A.R.S. buses that we know about. They should be tearing our enemies asunder any moment now..."

Meanwhile, elsewhere, El Gigante is standing in the road, growling fiercely. The Bravo team double-decker bus drives straight between his legs, and continues on down the road, oblivious. El Gigante frowns in confusion, bending down and peeking through his legs at the bus as it slowly vanishes past the horizon.

And even elsewhere, Mr. X walks out onto another road and plants himself firmly in the path of the Alpha team bus. It promptly runs him over, and continues on its way as if nothing happened.

Back at the castle, Alexia's smile turns into a frown. "Ok, or not."

"SEND IN THE CLOWNS!" Alfred cries angrily, throwing orders left and right. "RELEASE THE HOUNDS! SOUND THE ALARM! DIVE, DIVE!"

Krauser shakes his head and smirks, having overheard the commotion during his pinball game. "Oh man, you better not play that game with her; Alfred's liable to get a Jackie Chan chop, right to the back of his neck..."

Failing to heed Krauser's warning, Alfred continues barking out orders in a shrill voice. "RAISE THE GATES! NO LOWER THEM! AIRSTRIKE! BLUE FOURTY TWO! BLUE FORTY TWO! HUT HUT-"

He is quickly silenced by a wrench to the back of the head.

Alexia stands over his prone body, holding the very large metal tool in her hand. Her face eerily lacks emotion as she then continues to hit Alfred with the wrench. Again. And again. And again.

"DAAAaaang!" Saddler exclaims, throwing up a hand in shock as he sits back against his throne. "You're one cold bitch!"

He quickly shuts his mouth as Alexia's liquid nitrogen death gaze nails him. She drops the wrench to the floor with a loud 'CLANG!' and returns to her throne. "Send out a horde of random monsters," she orders calmly. "Everything we've got. Destroy them..."

* * *

_Note: The part in which Alexia belts Alfred over the head with the wrench was inspired by Space Ghost Coast to Coast. Next chapter will feature pretty much whoever's left that hasn't already been mentioned, and then I plan on roatating back to the intitial group and continuing their progress. Enjoy!_


	8. Tying Up Loose Ends

_All 'Resident Evil' characters © Capcom_

_Anyone else © whoever owns them_

****

Chapter Seven: Tying Up Loose Ends

"I'm hungry!"

"I'm tired!"

"I'm thirsty!"

"I have to go pee!"

Ark Thompson's face contorts in confusion and anguish. "Uh...where are we going, again?"

"Disney Land!" Lilly yells.

"Yeah, Disney Land!" her brother Lott echoes.

Ark frowns, and continues to pull the two kids along in their red wagon. "Well...why does that road sign up ahead say 'Japan: 4,327 miles'?" he asks.

Silence for a few moments. Then Lilly speaks up again. "Uh, cause there's a Disney Land in Japan!"

"Yeah, dude, it's totally better than all the others!" Lott adds.

Ark nods solemnly. "Ok." A few moments pass as he walks in silence, the wheels of the wagon squeaking lightly as he continues to pull it along. Ark turns his head once again. "Uh...and who am I again?"

"You're grandpa," Lilly states firmly, nodding.

"I'm...grandpa...?" Ark squints in utter bewilderment. "And...who are you two?"

Lott and Lilly look at each other. Lott looks at Ark. "We're guards."

Lilly smiles. "Yeah, we're guards..." Lott repeats the words, affirming their identity. "Guards..." "Yeah, guards..." "We're guards..." "...guards..." The two smirk at each other.

Ark just turns his attention back to the road, looking very lost as he continues plodding along, pulling the wagon behind him.

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" Vincent Goldman leaps out of the bushes, wielding an empty beer bottle. Ark and the kids just stare blankly at him, somewhat startled. Vincent looks wildly from one person to the other, before threateningly stabbing his bottle through the air several times. "I'm hijacking your vehicle, and you're taking me to Japan, or else you get it!"

"Get...what?" Ark asks.

Vincent opens his mouth to say something, hesitates, zones out for a moment, and then raises the bottle again, pointing it at the trio. "You'll get this bottle! In your nose! Huh? HUH? How'd you like to have THAT! HUH!"

No one really has anything to say to that. Satisfied, Vincent pushes his way past Ark. "Move over," he grumbles to the kids, and squeezes into the tiny red wagon. Ark, looking more confused than ever now, sighs and continues his task of pulling them to Japan.

Suddenly, a group of people cross the road ahead. They are a mis-matched bunch, and they all seem to be talking at once.

"Yoko. Yoko. Yeah. Yoko. Uh-huh." "Homygod!" "No WAY!" "Just do it!" "I KNOW that!" "Mark. COME ON!" "Uh-uh." "May I have it, pretty please?" "Thank you." "Find anything?" "My life is SHIT!" "Help me!"

Ark and the others look on in bewilderment as the group of people continues on their way. After a few moments of awkward silence, standing there on the empty road between two fields, the sound of squeaking wagon wheels starts up again as Ark begins to walk...

* * *

_Note: This is the part where I apologize for the long wait between updates, blah blah whine whine bitch moan, etc. You all know the drill by now. Anyway, I hope that you enjoyed this chapter! The 'guards, yeah, guards' part was taken from 'Team America', by the way. Next chapter: We revisit the Alpha Team bus to see how our heroes are faring! Also, a very special visit from a VERY special guest. Featuring unbelievably controversial material that may get me banned from or even arrested! Stay tuned:-)_


	9. How To Fit Hell Into A Handbasket

_All 'Resident Evil' characters © Capcom_

_Anyone else © whoever owns them_

**Chapter Eight: How To Fit Hell Into A Handbasket**

The Alpha Team bus chugs quietly down the road, bathed in cool moonlight on a quiet night. As the scene pans through the bus, we see Albert Wesker, sitting attentively at the wheel. Further back, the other members of the team nestle asleep in their seats, bouncing lightly with the motion of the bus.

Jill Valentine is curled up in her seat, smiling as she breathes in and out softly and strokes her 9mm. Chris Redfield is asleep next to her, the light from his gameboy glowing softly on his face and reflecting off of a bit of drool. Barry Burton is snoring lightly in his seat, occasionally squirting the squirtgun into his mouth and creating an oddly comforting gurgle noise as he snores. Joseph Frost wriggles in slumber on the opposite seat, mumbling something about Krispy Cremes.

In the far back of the bus, Brad Vickers is passed out on the bathroom toilet, safe and sound. William and Annette Birkin (shockingly) share a seat, snuggled up together and spouting off random scientific equations in their unconsciousness.

And in the seat furthest back, Anthony Mihovich (newest Alpha Team recruit coffee boy) is leaning against the wall, arms folded over his chest as he sleeps. Sherry Birkin sits next to him, watching him with an unwavering smile on her face.

Back at the front of the bus, Wesker is beginning to nod off. His hands slip from the wheel, which turns slightly...and the bus starts to go off the road. Suddenly, a third black-gloved hand moves up and steadies the wheel. The bus moves safely back onto the road. Now, the hand lithely slides across the wheel and grips it firmly as the black-clad figure it belongs to comes into view.

Wesker Chick sits down in Wesker's lap. Suppressing a giggle, she takes the wheel.

Have we been saved? Or doomed?

Back at the...back of the bus, Anthony is slowly opening his eyes. He rubs them wearily, yawns, scratches the back of his head, and turns his head to look beside him. There sits Sherry. She beams at him with all her twelve-year-old innocence, blue eyes sparkling. Anthony smiles back lightly, but his expression slowly fades into a nervous frown as Sherry continues to stare at him.

"Um...hi," he says quietly.

"Helloooo," Sherry drawls in reply, looking him up and down. "Do you have a girlfriend?"

Anthony coughs, glancing wearily at the young girl. "Um..."

Up at the front, Wesker Chick is (sort of) steering the bus, although her eyes aren't exactly on the road. Actually, they are slowly rolling into the back of her head as a string of soft half-giggles titter from her.

Sherry inches closer to Anthony on the seat, eying him in a way that no twelve-year-old should ever eye _anyone._ "You don't, do you?"

"Not...really," Anthony replies, looking around as if to find some sort of escape.

Wesker leans forward, wrapping his arms around the giddy Wesker Chick. "Mmm, cupcakes..." he mumbles in his sleep. Wesker Chick is biting the bottom of her lip, the excited fangirl laughs building up despite her best attempts to hide them.

Sherry scoots closer to Anthony, hooking her arms around his. "We should go steady...I know a GREAT hotel nearby..." The poor young man's face is frozen in horror as he crushes himself against the wall of the bus, wishing to be anywhere but here right now.

All of a sudden, Ben Bertolucci pops up out of nowhere and snaps a picture of Sherry and Anthony. "What a scoop!" he cries enthusiastically, before vanishing again.

The bus hits a bump. Wesker (censored) (beep) grabbing (edited for content) Wesker Chick's (honk!) while she accidentally (censored) on his (radio edit) and then she (blur) giggling rampantly (censored) pulling out (beep) Wesker (censored) starts to (blur) but it's already (zing!) because of the (censored) causing her to (whoa!)

The bus crashes into a tree.

For a few moments, there is only silence. Then, the doors of the bus burst open, and Wesker Chick barrels out, laughing manaically/fangirlishly as she dashes off into the night with her arms held high like some kind of mad scientist.

A few more minutes of silence. Finally, the S.T.A.R.S. team and their 'friends' stagger out of the wrecked bus.

"What the heck _happened?_" Chris mutters, clutching his head. Jill stumbles out after him, not looking too much better.

"Beats me," Joseph sulks, adjusting his headband. Barry steps off the bus, sternly inspecting his water gun to check for damage. Satisfied, he puts the weapon away and surveys the area.

"Where did you learn to drive!" Annette is screaming at Wesker, while William is ruffling through some random notes. Sherry skips off the bus, pulling a very pale-faced Anthony along with her. Brad trails behind, furiously trying to untangle himself from a roll of toilet paper.

"I...had the weirdest dream," Wesker mumbles, ignoring Annette as he dazedly shambles down the steps of the bus exit.

Chris looks dumbfounded. "You were ASLEEP!" He slaps his forehead in dismay, and then winces from the pain.

Barry walks over to Wesker, crouching down and dabbing at something on Wesker's black outfit.

"What did you find, Barry?" Jill asks.

Barry frowns, rubbing the substance between his thumb and forefinger. "It's butterscotch. I hope this isn't Wesker Chick's butterscotch..."

Chris rolls his eyes and looks back at the ruined bus. It is clearly unserviceable. "Well this is just great. NOW how are we gonna get to Japan?"

"Um, guys?" Jill interrupts. "I think we've got bigger things to worry about right now..."

Everyone turns to face the nearby woods as a series of animal growls sound...

* * *

_Note: Yeah I know I forgot about Bruce McGavern and Fong Ling or whatever from Gun Survivor 4. Or whatever. But hey, no one likes them anyway. Well, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! If any of you are offended by the horribly controversial material found in this chapter, then please let me know and I will kill myself. After I take down the chapter. It looks like our heroes are in trouble! Next chapter: what's happening at the Bravo Team bus? Will they find and execute poor Billy?_


	10. The Thick Butter of Chaos Spreads

_All 'Resident Evil' characters © Capcom_

_Anyone else © whoever owns them_

**Chapter Nine: The Chaos Spreads**

"WHAT?" first mate Marcus screams into the two-way radio handset. He quickly puts it to his ear again and scowls, listening intently.

_"I SAID, the rebels' Alpha Team bus has been taken down! It is now your priority to take down their next bus!" _Alexia yells from the other end.

Marcus cringes at her voice, then looks confused. "Did you say 'take out your friend Gus'?"

"_NO, YOU BLUNDERING IDIOT! THE **BUS! **TAKE DOWN THEIR NEXT **BUS!**"_

Marcus cringes even harder, shivering. "A...alright! I understand! Marcus out." He hangs up the radio handset, glaring randomly at the poor zombie who's holding the bulky device.

"Staaaarrsss..." Captain Nemesis growls, scratching the side of his head.

Marcus sighs. "Lady Alexia reports that our enemy's initial vehicle has been taken out of commission by unknown forces. Due to this unexpected occurrence, our main goal now is to destroy their secondary team's vehicle. Shall I ready the cannon, sir?"

Nemesis just stares at him, picking his nose. A few minutes pass. Finally, Nemesis falls asleep and his head dips forward.

"I'll take that as a yes," Marcus growls. "MR.CHRISTOPHER! READY THE MAIN CANNON!"

Morpheus stalks by, muttering obscenities under his breath. "'Ready the cannon!'" he seethes. "'Make me some toast!' HMPH! 'Wipe my bottom!' Indeed!" He turns a crank near the starboard side of the ship, and a gigantic cannon pops up from the lower deck, aimed out at sea. "COORDINATES!" he screams, and a nearby zombie crew member hurls himself off the boat out of fear of conflict.

"35 degrees North, 47 degrees East!" Nemesis bellows in a commanding tone, with a hint of a proper British naval officer's sharpened accent. Everyone turns to stare in shock at the hulking man-monster, who is standing proudly with his chest puffed out, the feathered plumes of his Napoleon-style commander's hat ruffling in the wind.

Nemesis looks around suddenly, realizing what he'd just said. He quickly slouches over, twiddling his thumbs. "S...S.T.A.R.S..." he mumbles.

"Right then," Morpheus says dismissively, switching his eyepatch to the other eye and turning a few more cranks. The massive cannon begins to turn aside, towards the mainland in the distance.

* * *

Enrico Marini's grip is tight around the wheel of the double-decker bus. A bead of sweat rolls down his forehead, and he frantically wipes it away with the back of his hand before it drips into his eye and gets all stingy and stuff. "Have you found that murdering bastard, Lt. Billy Coen yet?" the Bravo team leader demands. 

"No sir," Edward and Kevin both reply at the same time. The two pilots look nervous as well, fondling their handguns ever so anxiously.

On the upper level of the bus, Rebecca is hiding out with Billy. "They've been searching the bus for three hours!" Billy hisses, glancing down the isle towards the stairs. "Sooner or later, you're gonna run out of excuses!"

Rebecca just glares, biting her lower lip and then nibbling on her upper lip and then licking her lips and panting softly. She suddenly snaps her head to Billy. "Get a hold of yourself, man!" she yells, slapping herself in the face. Billy stares at her blankly. Rebecca shakes her head. "Ok, listen...next time they catch a glimpse of us running between the two levels of the bus, my excuse will be that I'm chasing Bigfoot. And if they press us harder, you're an ex-cheerleader from Ohio State University and I'm your lesbian lover Michelle. We're on our way to the coast, and one of us is pregnant but we don't know who the father is! Now, I've fashioned a wig for you out of-"

"Rebecca!" Billy interrupts, whispering hard through clenched teeth. "We already DID that one! They won't be fooled so easily next time! I really think they're gonna find us!" He frowns, looking very worried.

Rebecca sighs. "Bet ya they won't," she mutters.

"Will too!" Billy retorts, fumbling for his wallet. "Twenty bucks says they'll find us and execute me!"

Rebecca puffs her cheeks out, rising to the challenge. "O RLY, fool!" She promptly empties her pockets. Billy stares down at the eleven cents, a rumpled stick of gum, a paper clip, a pre-order slip for Resident Evil 5, a bad report card, a half a piece of pie, a piano wire, some cheese-its, and a ball of pocket lint.

Billy points and laughs at her. Suddenly...

"FOUND YOU!" Forest screams in delight, popping over the seat in front of the two. He points his gun at Billy and starts laughing.

"TARNATION!" Rebecca cries, tackling Forest to the floor. He screams like a girl, trying to cover his face with his arms as Rebecca furiously beats the crap out of him.

"OW, Rebecca why are you hitting me!" the Bravo team member cries, wincing.

"Billy's innocent! Innocent I tell you!" Rebecca insists, now pistol-whipping Forest in the face.

"Rebecca what in the hell is going on up here!" The rest of the Bravo crew has piled into the top level of the bus, and is now staring in dismay at Rebecca and Billy.

Rebecca sits up, straddling the cowering Forest's chest. She throws her arms aside, opening her mouth. "I can explain eeeeeverything! See, now if George leaves his house at five o'clock, and Sally leaves HER house at SIX o'clock, and they're both going the same direction-"

Suddenly, Enrico pushes his way through the small crowd of intently listening Bravo troops. "Billy Coen!" he squawks, aiming his pistol at the ex-marine. "You murdering bastard! At last I shall have my revenge! Resident Evil 5 will NEVER fall into the...likes of...you!"

Billy slowly raises his hands, staring coolly at the mustached man. "Um...hey smart one, who's driving the bus?"

Enrico puts his hands on his hips, smiling smugly. "Hmph. You think you're so cool. Well I've planned ahead! KENNETH is driving the bus now, per my orders. Heh heh heeeeh."

We pan sideways to see Kenneth standing right next to Enrico, staring at nothing blankly.

Everyone looks at him.

Kenneth looks up suddenly, stuttering. "Uh n-no, it's cool, man! Richard's down there!" He gives a nervous laugh, rubbing the back of his head. "I'm sure he'll see the empty seat and immediately take over."

The scene cuts to the steering wheel of the bus, which is predictably unmanned and wobbling in random directions by itself due to the motion of the speeding bus.

The scene then cuts to the bathroom of the bus, where Richard Aiken is singing very loudly and off-key. "Yes when a maaaaan loves a womaaaaaan..." he throws his head back, closing his eyes as he continues, "I know exactly how he feels.." Richard squeezes his eyes shut, belting out the next line with horrible bravado. "'Cause BABY BABY BABY-"

The bus crashes into a tree. Then into a rock. Then into a mailbox. Then into another bus. Then through eight trees in a row, plus a swimming pool. Then it falls off a cliff and soars down ten miles, slamming into some more rocks and bouncing thirty times, flipping end-over-end. Then it grinds to a gut-wrenching halt. And explodes. Twice.

A few moments later, Rebecca comes sliding down the cliff, wobbling unsteadily on her green hi-tops as she surfs on down, leaving behind a light trail of dust. She nears the bottom and hops down the last few rocks, then onto the solid ground. "Thank goodness I was thrown clear the instant our bus hit a tree!" she exclaims, patting some dust off of her fanny. She smiles and begins to whistle to herself, strolling along gaily. All of a sudden, she stumbles to a halt, eyes bugging out at the flaming wreckage. "HOLY SH(car horn)T! BILLY! GUYS! OH NO!"

Rebecca races to the scene, her trained hands immediately going for her med-pack. Hot smoke stings her eyes, choking her. She begins coughing, and ducks low as she covers her mouth with one gloved hand. "Anyone!" she cries out, hoping for a response. A low groan flutters up from the wreckage nearby, making her heart skip a beat.

"Oh my goodness no," she breathes to herself, hurrying over. A body lays strewn among some twisted metal. Rebecca throws herself to her knees, touching the man's shoulder lightly. "Talk to me, please! Oh please..." she begs.

"I'm...I'm alright," a familiar voice whispers weakly. Rebecca gently rolls the man onto his back...and blinks in recognition.

"Oh... Forest..." she says flatly, her voice void of enthusiasm. "You're alive."

The battered man smiles faintly. "Yeah, I j-fmph..mph! MPPFPHF!"

He is interrupted as Rebecca crams a pillow against his face, squeezing it there as tightly as she can. "Don't struggle now, Forest," she grunts, gritting her teeth and pushing him down as he flails around. "Just go toward the light...the pain'll be gone soon enough," Rebecca coos, shaking her head slowly. "Be brave now..."

"MRRPRRGH_HHHRRRGH!_" Forest kicks his legs, trying to escape Rebecca's suffocating choke hold.

She responds by squeezing tighter, pushing the pillow harder against his face and breaking into loud, obnoxious song. "Swing low, sweet chariot, COMIN' FOR TO CARRY ME _HOOOOME!_"

"Rebecca!" a voice calls out.

Rebecca immediately lets go, looking toward the voice with a deer-in-the-headlights stare, her upper lip hanging faintly over her lower one in an expression of dumb innocence. "Huh?"

Billy, holding his ribs, limps down a side of crumpled metal and begins hobbling over to her.

"BILLY!" Rebecca cries out, pulling the pillow off of Forest's face and sliding it under his head, stroking his hair lightly. Forest just coughs, rolling his eyes in annoyance.

"I...think I need mouth to mouth," Billy groans, grimacing as he kneels down beside the young field medic.

Rebecca furrows her brow, looking him up and down. "The f(record scratch)ck you do!" she exclaims, turning her attention back to Forest. "I'm trying to save my team here! You could at least help."

Billy snaps his fingers. "Shucks," he says under his breath, shaking his head.

Rebecca turns and gives him a genuine smile then. "I'm glad you're alright, though."

Billy smiles back at her and is about to reply, when some wreckage right beside him is upturned, and a figure stands up through it. "MUST...KILL...BILLY...COEN!" Kenneth roars, his eyes wide and pupils tight with rage, lips pulled back in a terrifying snarl. He aims his 9mm at Billy, pulling back the slide and chambering a round.

"Dude, it's over. Quit being a dick," Billy scoffs.

Kenneth immediately droops, pouting. "Aww..." He stubbornly kicks aside a hunk of metal and plops down next to Rebecca and the others, resting his elbows on his knees and his hands on his cheeks.

Forest coughs again, looking around. "Where's the others? We're still missing Kevin, Edward, and Richard.

"And that Enrico guy, right? Isn't he your leader or something?" Billy chimes in.

Forest frowns, looking confused for a moment. "Oh yeah, that guy."

"We're ok!" Richard calls out suddenly. The others look over to see Richard with Kevin and Edward on either side of him, their arms over each other's shoulders as they make their way towards the rest of the group.

"Have you seen Chubbs?" Rebecca calls to them, making everyone bite back a string of chuckles.

"You mean Enrico?" Edward replies.

"Nah," Kevin continues. "He's probably buried under some wreckage or something."

Rebecca nods thoughtfully. "I see. Well I guess we should save him. Billy?" She glances over to her fugitive friend. "You're a big tall sack of man-meat. Go throw some junk around until you uncover our leader's body, would ya?" She smiles sweetly and bats her eyelashes, cocking her head to the side and clasping her hands together.

"No," Billy answers flatly.

Rebecca pulls something out of her pocket. "I'll give you a piece of guuuum," she offers, waving the rumpled stick through the air. She then brings it closer to her, lowering her eyelids and parting her lips seductively, dragging the tip of the gum stick along her bottom lip. "It's all warm and squishy from being in my pocket," she drawls, her voice nearly matching Ada's sultry accent.

Billy swallows hard. "Well ok." He takes the piece of gum, fumbling with it and finally clasping it between both hands as he stumbles off clumsily to search for Enrico.

Rebecca scrunches her shoulders inward, folding her hands in her lap and turning her head aside, giving a cute little 'tee-hee!'

The others just stare at her, unsure of what to say or do. Rebecca looks up, her smile fading as she observes everyone staring at her.

"...Hey F(beep!)CK you guys!" she yells.

Little do they know that they are being stalked from the shadows by horrors too terrifying to speak of...

* * *

_Note: I have WAY too much fun with Rebecca. Also, pardon the excessive randomness. Sort of. Maybe. Sandwiches! And thank you very much for the reviews!  
Next Chapter: With the Bravo team's bus taken out, who's next? Looks like a stroke of bad luck is heading everyone's way...and more Wesker Chick! Stay tuned!_


	11. When Life Gives You Lemons

_All 'Resident Evil' characters © Capcom_

_Anyone else © whoever owns them_

**Chapter Ten: When Life Gives You Lemons...write sad poetry.**

The red and white Umbrella blimp breaks through the clouds, slowly puttering through the sky. Carlos Oliviera glares intensely through the front viewport, gripping the wheel tightly. All of a sudden, a chair falls out the side hatch of the blimp, tumbling through open air as it falls.

"Hehehehehe...oops." Hunk chuckles again and pushes a crate out of the blimp cabin with his foot. Nikolai just sort of stares uncomfortably at the man, adjusting his M-16 nervously.

Mikhail has apparently locked himself in the bathroom, and has resorted to eating the toilet paper.

Rodrigo, meanwhile, is still asleep in his chair. "Hemostat...Flinstones Kids Vitamins...chewy...zzzz...keep us strong...and grooowing..." he mumbles in his unconscious state, scratching his mustache briefly.

"I'm f-...I'm freakin' out, man," Nikolai stutters, wiping a hand down his face. Cabin fever has apparently hit him pretty hard. "I gotta get outta here..."

"Hehehehe...oops." Hunk, arms still folded casually over his chest, leans back in his chair and shoves a refrigerator out the cabin hatch with his foot.

Nikolai clenches and unclenches his fists in anxiety, sweat pouring down his face from under his beret. "Y-you're all friggn' crazy...taxi drivers eating toast...crumbs everywhere-" he frantically swats the air around him and then straightens his beret, grimacing.

Carlos very slowly turns his head, hands still on the wheel. His eyes are narrowed coolly, lips set in a feint frown as he surveys the rest of the cabin behind him.

"Mud butt.." Rodrigo mumbles in his sleep, farting wetly. "Robatussin Hemostat..."

"Shut up, SHUT UP!" Nikolai cries, shakily pointing his M-16 this way and that. "I don't care about the stupid Resident Evil 5 game anymore! I don't even LIKE Resident Evil!"

Hunk raises his foot again, setting it against Rodrigo's chair. "Heheheheh...oops." With a push, Rodrigo and his chair are sent tumbling end-over-end out of the blimp.

-

"What do you MEAN the other bus is gone!" Marcus cries in exasperation.

"Muaa. Muaah...muah..." the zombie crewman mumbles, shrugging.

"Well that's just PERFECT." Marcus whirls around to face Nemesis. "NOW who are we supposed to destroy?"

Nemesis sighs heavily and continues to steer the Umbrella pirate ship through the high seas.

Rodrigo and his chair fall from the sky, hitting the water with a huge splash beside the boat.

Morpheus, standing beside the ships main cannon, switches his eyepatch to his other eye and squints at the nearby ocean cliffside. "Well hey, look at that!" He points to the cliff. Everyone on the boat rushes over to the starboard side, gazing at the cliff.

A baby seal is balancing on its tail, clapping its flippers together gleefully.

"Awwwwwwwww," the entire crew sighs, simultaneously tilting their heads to the side in admiration of the cute little animal.

Morpheus points again. "Also, look at that." A car is driving along the cliffside road.

Nemesis narrows his eyes, grinding his teeth together. "STAAAARS," he bellows, shaking the rickety pirate boat.

"Ready the main cannon!" Marcus orders.

"Aye aye!" Morpheus answers, and works the crank to turn the cannon towards the seaside cliff. "We'll blow those bilious bile-biting backwater blowfish right off the road!"

Marcus turns around. "Bring forth the cannonball!"

The crew parts, revealing a scrawny zombie who is hefting an enormous cannonball in his arms. As everyone watches, the zombie begins to shamble forward at a painfully slow rate of speed.

Marcus claps a hand over his eyes in dismay. "Oh for the love of-"

-

"HOOBASTANK!" Steve yells, making everyone in the car jump. Ada swiftly cracks him across the jaw with a right hook. Claire stares at her in dismay.

"R...reflexes," Ada mumbles, folding her hands in her lap and lowering her eyes.

"OOOoooowwww," Steve groans, holding his face. After a few moments of whimpering, he sits back up in his seat. "I want to listen to HOOBSTANK!" He flinches as Ada half-cocks a fist at him, setting her jaw furiously.

"We are not going to listen to Hoobastank right now," Leon replies, clenching the mutilated steering wheel of the car that has been twisted beyond all recognition because of how tight he's been gripping it through the entire trip.

Steve is silent for a full second. Claire begins to doze off again...

"Well my dad never let me listen to my music when I was a kid and so now that he's dead I wanna rock out!"

"Steve, you're not hip enough to say 'rock out'," Leon argues.

Steve just gapes angrily at the man, letting out an astonished huff. Finally he resigns himself to leaning back in his seat with his arms folded childishly across his chest, pouting as he kicks the back of Claire's seat repeatedly.

Finally snapping, the fiery young woman spins around to face Steve. "DAMN IT STEVE IF YOU DON'T STOP IT I'M GONNA RIP YOUR ARM OFF AND BEAT YOU WITH IT UNTIL _CANDY _COMES OUT!"

Steve's mouth once again hangs open in utter shock as he blinks several times. Ada snorts, turning away to cover a smile. Leon rolls his eyes and smirks.

Steve takes a huge breath, his cheeks puffing out angrily as he glares.

"Oh no," Claire groans, turning back around in her seat. "He's doing the 'hold my breath until I get my way' thing."

Two minutes later, Steve's face turns blue and he crumples in his seat. No one notices.

-

"Oh GIVE me that!" Marcus growls, stomping forwards and taking the cannonball from the zombie. However, he quickly realizes that this is no ordinary cannonball. "What in...GAAH!" Marcus drops the large ball, and it uncurls itself. Verdugo, Salazar's right hand monster alien mutant thing, stands up to its full seven foot height.

"Y...you're naked!" Marcus points out, shocked. Verdugo blinks, if that's even possible. Then it looks down, blushing also if that's possible and covering itself. Even though there's really...nothing...to cover...

Anyway, Morpheus zaps Verdugo lightly. "Get back in cannonball form, ya land-lubber!" he yells. Verdugo hisses and reluctantly curls back up again. "That's better. Now, Captain Nemmy, if you please."

Nemesis turns around, looking at Morpheus. A few moments pass. Morpheus sighs and then yells, "You're the only one tall/strong enough to put our Verdugo cannonball thingy into the canon! Sir!"

Nemesis scratches his head in thought and then bends down, grabbing the rolled up Verdugo. "Staaars," he grumbles, picking up the bioweapon and hobbling over to the cannon. He then rolls Verdugo into the cannon and shrugs.

"Thank you sir," Marcus says appreciatively, with a nod of his head. He then flips his long hair aside, pointing at another zombie. "You there! Light the fuse and let's be done with this!"

The zombie pulls a match out of nowhere and strikes it against another zombie's head, who moans in protest. No affect. Frowning, the zombie strikes the match again and again...

-

"We're all gonna f(car horn)ckin' die," Nikolai mumbles, his eyes flashing from left to right.

Mikhail waddles out of the bathroom, politely turning around and closing the door behind him. He goes over and stands next to Nikolai.

"Don't you SEE!" Nikolai raves, clutching his m-16 tightly to his chest. "The boogie man and Wesker signed a pact with SATAN!"

Carlos abruptly turns away from the wheel, glaring at Nikolai. "GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!" he yells, slapping Mikhail across the face.

Mikhail reels a bit, grabbing his reddened cheek. "...Ow," he mumbles. "What was that for?"

"LISTEN!" Carlos barks. "We need to stick together! Children on the brink of starvation here! If we don't back up Umbrella's mission to get Resident Evil 5, the world is DOOMED!"

Hunk blinks at Carlos. "What the h-"

"DOOMED!" the Spaniard interrupts, spinning around twice and grabbing hold of the wheel once again.

-

_Skrrtch. Skrrtch. Skrrtch. SKRITT! _The match finally ignites. Everyone watches intently as the zombie brings the match forward and touches it to the cannon's ignition wick. With a fizzle of sparks, the wick ignites and begins to shrink.

The crew backs up, clamping their hands over their ears and crouching down in anticipation. One moment passes...two...silence as the wick grows smaller and smaller-

"WHEEEEE!" A fangirlish cry of joy breaks the silence as Wesker Chick comes flying out of nowhere, glomping Nemesis with the force of a thousand fangirls.

"STAAARS!" the huge bioweapon roars in fear as he stumbles sideways..straight into the cannon. With a metallic groan, the huge explosive device turns skyward- and fires.

-

"Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic," Carlos sings as he pilots the blimp.

Hunk has his hands cupped over his mouth, making rap noises as he bobs his head back and forth.

Nikolai is curled up in the corner of the cabin, crying softly as Mikhail pokes him repeatedly.

All of a sudden, Verdugo explodes through the cabin floor, uncurling from his cannonball form in an instant and shredding a devastating gash through the blimp. The creature bursts through the top of the airborne vehicle, cackling wickedly.

"What in Uncle Mario's Imported Games was THAT!" Carlos screams, frantically spinning the wheel. Despite his heroic efforts to save the blimp, it is going down fast.

"Beats me," Hunk replies, shrugging. "Looked like something from 'Aliens' though. Freaky." He starts smoking a cigarette.

"SATAN HAS COME FOR OUR SOULS!" Nikolai screams, still trying to push Mikhail away, who continues to poke the man.

The Umbrella blimp is going down.

-

"Sure is quiet," Leon mumbles. Then he notices that Steve is passed out in the back seat. "Oh."

All of a sudden, Claire's eyes widen in horror and she points out the windshield. "LOOKOUT!" she cries.

Leon swerves to miss a turtle that is plodding across the road.

"Whew," Claire sighs. "That was close."

Ada sit calmly in the backseat, staring out the windshield as well. "Also, blimp."

Leon snaps his attention forward again just in time to see an enormous blimp collide with the road in front of their car, a horrible grinding noise shrieking as metal rides asphalt. They are heading right for the wreck, everyone screaming in horror...

The scream fades away, everyone returning to normal as they continue forward, speeding towards the crashing blimp.

"Leon, steer," Claire reminds politely.

"Oh yeah!" Leon exclaims. He promptly spins the wheel as far left as he can. Everyone resumes screaming as the car plummets off a cliff...

-

Marcus blinks once. He blinks twice. The crew of the Umbrella naval vessel just sort of stands there with their mouths agape as they behold the giant Umbrella blimp crashing into the seaside road.

Morpheus slowly looks at Marcus. Marcus slowly looks at Morpheus. Nemesis is laying on the deck, struggling with Wesker Chick as she tries to tickle him. The only sound other than that are the waves lapping against the side of the boat.

And then the cannonball comes back down.

Verdugo crashes through the deck, straight through the bottom of the boat with an explosion of wood splinters.

Marcus and Morpheus slowly turn to look at the hole in the boat. A jet of water bursts up from the hole, and the vessel begins to sink.

"Why...why didn't I run away with the circus?" Morpheus wonders aloud as the tip of Neptune's fin appears above the water, circling the sinking craft.

* * *

_Note: Thank you all again for the reviews! Also, special thanks MungoJerry for suggesting that Verdugo be thrown into the mix! I hope that you're enjoying the story. A bit of an extra long chapter this time, and they seem to be getting longer. Hopefully I can keep it up. Next time... _

_What's happening to the Alpha squad? _(snapshot of Jill running and looking back with a horrified expression, the others ahead of her and running also)

_Also, is Bravo team faring any better? _(snapshot of the group looking horrified as something crawls over the train wreckage at them)

_Will Leon and the gang become another deep sea catastrophe? _(snapshot of the car plummeting through the air, Leon and Claire holding each other and screaming, Steve passed out in the back, and Ada just gritting her teeth and looking very annoyed)

_What of Carlos and friends? _(snapshot of Carlos still furiously trying to turn the wheel, even as the blimp cabin is careening along the road in a heap, everyone else flung about the cabin and screaming)

_And the U.S.S. Nemmy? _(snapshot of Nemesis holding Wesker Chick in the air with one hand as she flails about and laughs, Morpheus and Marcus looking extremely aggravated, and the zombie crew looking frightened as Neptune circles the sinking boat)

_And what are the evil villains plotting now? _(snapshot of Alexia laughing manaically, Alfred trying to do the same (also in the same pitch), Salazar screaming at Saddler, Saddler covering his ears, and Krauser playing pinball.)

_Tune in next time to _Resident Evil: Super Quest _for more action, more adventure, more Wesker Chick, and also a scene where Rebecca strips for a shower! _Rebecca: WHAT?

SPECIAL: Are you a Steve fangirl? If so, simply volunteer and you will be included in the next chapter to save Steve's life! Exciting!


	12. Rebecca Takes A Shower

_All 'Resident Evil' characters © Capcom_

_Anyone else © whoever owns them_

**Chapter Eleven: Rebecca Takes A Shower**

Several pairs of glowing eyes appear through the murky midnight forest, gazing unblinkingly at Alpha Team and their companions. Those who have weapons slowly click the safeties off and aim into the darkness...

"Hold me!" Sherry whimpers, hopping up into Anthony's arms. The young S.T.A.R.S. recruit just groans in dismay, reluctantly holding the girl as he quickly looks around to see if anyone is preparing to arrest him. Instead, Ben Burtolucci pops out of nowhere and snaps a picture, grinning before he zips away again. Anthony's eyes flutter angrily as they roll back in his head.

"Where is BRAVO team!" Barry whispers harshly as he takes a step back, aiming at the growling beasts who remain unseen in the woods. He furrows his brow for a moment. "I mean uh... NOW how are we gonna get the Resident Evil 5 game?"

Wesker coolly takes command of the situation. "Chris, Barry, keep your guns ready. Jill and I will cover you." Chris and Barry nod, readying their weapons. Chris sighs at Barry's water pistol, while the older man determinedly glares off into the woods, clutching the plastic toy with grim intensity. Wesker continues... "Joseph, wander off aimlessly." Joseph nods slowly, and then just sort of saunters off, his gun raised. "Also, have you still got those Vienna sausages in your back pocket, for later?" Wesker adds. Joseph responds by patting his back pocket with a 'squelch' as he walks off.

The growls are growing louder around them. Wesker furrows his brow, quickly formulating the last details of the makeshift plan. "Brad, find us a new ride. FAST." Brad rapidly nods a few times. Then he nods some more and starts taking a few steps one direction...stops...goes the other way, looking around on the dimly moonlit street.

Wesker looks at the remaining members of the group. "Anthony, uh...just keep an eye on the Birkins."

Anthony is frantically trying to push Sherry away as she clings to his shirt, giggling. "Cap...Captain Wesker, PLEASE!" he begins, his voice full of fear.

Annette looks over, smiling at him. "Aww, Sherry's playing with you! Sherry, did you find a new friend?" she asks sweetly.

"Uh...yes, mommy!" the twelve year old replies brightly. Then, in a lower voice to Anthony, "Listen, let's blow this scene and find us the backseat of a car or something..." she whispers suggestively. Anthony actually starts crying.

"Isn't that adorable, William?" Annette coos, gesturing to the two.

"Mmm hmm, spectacular," her husband mumbles blandly as he scribbles down some more quantum physics equations. "Help me solve this theorem, would you dear?"

Meanwhile, Jill is tightly squeezing her nine millimeter, keen eyes peering out across the woods. "Hey Chris, you see the third Star Wars movie?" she asks.

"Uh-huh," Chris replies, focusing on his gameboy.

Jill just stares at him for a moment and then sighs, looking back out at the forest. "I wonder where Joseph went..."

Wesker glances out at the woods. "Eh. He's walkin' around."

A series of high-pitched snarls sound all of a sudden, breaking the relative silence. Before the group can react, the snarls are accompanied by a terrified human scream.

"GO!" Wesker yells, and the group is off running. Feet pound on asphalt, hearts slam in chests, lungs pump cool night air.

A humanoid figure lies on the ground up ahead, surrounded by dark shapes...

"Joseph!" Jill screams, skidding to a halt.

A pack of Doberman puppies surrounds the fallen Alpha team member, snarling playfully and tugging at his clothes. "HAHAHAH!" Joseph laughs, rolling around slightly as he faintly pushes at the pups. "Th-hahah! They're licking me-HAHAH!" The group just stands there and stares in dismay and shock at their downed teammate. His gleeful laughs suddenly turn into bewildered cries of anger. "Hey, that one PEED on me! Aaah! Stop! Stop that! Bad doggies! No! NO!"

The stout little Doberman puppies continue to growl, collectively pulling Joseph towards the nearby woods as he scolds them.

"JOOOOSEEEEPHHH!" Jill falls to her knees, screaming to the high heavens as she throws her arms in the air. A few of the remaining puppies turn around, snarling at the group.

"Come on, Jill! It's too late!" Chris yells, grabbing Jill by the arms and yanking her to her feet. The puppies rush the group, hobbling along the road, ears flapping as they yip and bark.

"SACRIFICE YOURSELVES!" Wesker yells. And then he takes off running.

Everyone takes off running after him, shooting behind them as they go.

The forest road is alive with gunfire as Alpha team and their comrades flee from the Doberman puppies. Jill and Chris opt for the traditional run and shoot method, which simply involves half-turning as you run and squeezing off a few random shots before you turn forward again. Barry, on the other hand, is running backwards entirely and squirting the dogs with a vengeance.

Several of the puppies stumble a bit on the slippery streams from Barry's water pistol, but the rest continue to advance quickly upon the group. Anthony doesn't have a weapon, and is growing even more annoyed as Sherry (sitting on his shoulders) is turning around and yelling 'BANG BANG!' at the puppies while aiming her fingers like guns.

"There!" William cries, pointing ahead. "Your yellow-vested compatriot has procured a means of escape!"

Brad Vickers is sitting on a rusty tricycle, peddling himself around in circles on the street. As the group approaches fast, tailed by the Dobermans, our hero takes one horrified look at them and then furiously begins to peddle away.

"BRAD!" Chris cries, reaching out as he runs, "WAAAAAIIIIT!" But Brad is already vanishing into the darkness, ringing the little trike's bell as he flees.

Everyone turns their fire upon Brad, angrily shooting at him as he rides away, ducking low on the tiny three-wheeler. "You son of a bitch!" Annette growls, hurling a rock at the retreating figure.

Chris slows to a stop, breathing hard. "This is _B.S._, man!" he complains angrily. "I'm gonna go see Chief Irons and re-evaluate this plan!"

The scene cuts to Chris standing in front of Brian Irons' desk in the RPD as Irons belts out violent rap lyrics to a hard beat. "BEAT CHICKEN MALT LICKIN' DADDY'S HEAD BE TICKIN'!"

Chris rolls his eyes. "Yes, I know."

Scene cuts back to the others standing in the street. Chris runs up to them, breathing hard again. "Ok, nevermind. Let's just keep running!" And so, the group continues to escape on foot from the pack of wild and incredibly cute Doberman Pincer puppies, whose fierce yips and barks echo through the moonlit night...

* * *

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't shoot you!" Enrico growls as Billy hefts a large piece of rubble off of the man.

"...Because I just saved your life," Billy replies, annoyed.

Enrico ponders this for a moment, stroking his mustachio. "Hmmm...good enough. Billy Coen, I owe you my life." With a hand from Billy, Enrico stands and the two of them make their way back to the others.

Rebecca crouches nervously in front of a small bonfire that Forest and Kenneth threw together. Her knees pulled up to her chest, hands rubbing together, the girl looks as if she thinks something is about to jump out from the surrounding shadows and grab her. Meanwhile, Kevin and Edward are arguing over who is cuter, and Richard is sleeping.

As Billy and Enrico approach, Billy smirks and sneaks around behind Rebecca. Quiet as a mouse, he darts in and pokes the sides of her tummy. "Ooga booga."

"AIIEEE!" Rebecca cries, spinning around and socking Billy in the jaw with a perfectly executed Shin-ryu-ken Street Fighter uppercut. Billy jumps a few inches and then grunts and collapses. Rebecca just stands there, breathing in and out rapidly.

"Jeez, Miss Jumpy," Forest scoffs, tossing some wreckage into the fire. It bursts into sparks and he jumps back a little, wincing.

"Watch what you're throwing into the fire," Kenneth warns, examining a small biohazard baggie before nodding to himself and tossing it in.

Rebecca smoothes her hands along the front of her pants, catching her breath again. "I'm just...a bit high-strung," she replies quietly, frowning at her surroundings as she hugs herself and shivers.

Enrico smirks. "Why, because of this chapter's title? 'Rebecca takes a sho-"

"I am NOT going to take a SHOWER!" Rebecca screams angrily. Everyone (except sleeping Richard and unconscious Billy) stare at her in surprise. Rebecca glares around, then just sits down and pouts.

"Well miraculously, the shower is the only part of the bus that isn't destroyed!" Kevin rejoices. He and Edward point over towards some wreckage, where a small but perfectly intact shower system is standing upright on the ground.

Everyone starts snickering, and Rebecca just hangs her head in dismay.

A few minutes go by, the group just resting and discussing how they'll find a new ride so that they can go get Resident Evil 5.

"OW!" Richard yelps suddenly, sitting up from his slumber. Everyone jumps a bit, looking over to the man. Richard holds up one hand slowly, staring at it with a horrified gaze. From his thumb dangles a tiny black garden snake.

"Oh, my, gosh..." Forest mutters, slowly standing. "Richard...you've been _bitten _by a poisonous SNAKE."

Everyone except Rebecca gasps in terror. The young field medic leans forward, squinting at the tiny creature. "Actually, this is just a common garden snake. It's not even-"

"I can feel...the poison...WORKING!" Richard groans, interrupting her. He starts hyperventilating. Immediately, everyone (again, excluding Rebecca) starts yelling out remedies.

"Prop his feet up!"

"Get a hot washcloth!"

"We need some hemostat!"

"I want to ride the pony!"

Rebecca looks over at Billy in shock, who promptly looks down and clears his throat. "I don't believe this," she grumbles, pulling out her medkit. "Here, I'll give you a bandaid-" She is interrupted as several figures leap over the bus wreckage all around them, screaming and thrashing about.

They're children in various Halloween costumes.

"ZOMBIES!" Kenneth screams, pulling out his gun.. But two of the kids jump on him, one dressed as a ghost and the other as a goblin. They proceed to thwack poor Kenneth with their plastic pumpkin candy bins.

(If this were a movie or something, right now it would do that cool thing where like the camera zooms in on Rebecca's face and she's really scared, but as the camera zooms in on her, the background gets farther away or...however they do that cool camera trick.)

Rebecca and Billy watch in horror as the spookily-dressed kids laugh and scream, tackling Kevin and Edward to the ground. Forrest is also grappling with several. "Get off of me, you undead freaks!" he yells, shoving a kid to the ground.

"Ow! WAAAAH! WAAAAH!" the child cries.

Suddenly, the sound of feathered wings beating fills the air. Forrest looks up into the night sky, aiming his gun. Dozens of crows caw above, diving down...and pooping on him.

"AAAH! Make it stop! Make it STOP! SOMEONE! AAAAAH!" Forrest cries in horror, doing a 'get the poopee off of me' dance and waving his hands over his head. He slips on some bird poo and collapses.

"No!" Rebecca screams, covering her eyes.

"Run! Just GO!" Enrico yells, grabbing her and Billy's shoulders and pushing them away. The trio stumbles away from the horrible site, running off blindly into darkness...

* * *

Meanwhile, elsewhere, Leon's car is soaring through the open air and plummeting towards the sea. Leon and Claire are still screaming, Steve is still passed out, and Ada is fiddling with a device. "Not today," she growls determinedly, aiming her grappling hook gun out the window. With a feint puff of smoke, the hook launches towards the cliff...

The car crashes into the ocean, exploding violently. For a moment, there is only silence afterwards. On the cliffside, Ada Wong is hanging by a wire, her hand gripping the grappling gun tightly. The scene pans down, revealing Leon with his arms wrapped around Ada's legs like a child clinging to his mommy. Further down, Claire has her arms around Leon's legs. And even further down, a pair of handcuffs binds Claire's ankle to Steve's hand.

"Hang on...everyone..." Ada grunts through clenched teeth. "I'll pull us up..." She clicks the retract button on the gun, and the four of them begin to slowly be pulled upward. But the rock above is cracking ominously...

* * *

"FASTER! FASTEEER!" Morpheus squeals, clinging to Marcus's back.

"Silence, you fool!" the robed man screams, swimming as fast as he can. His many leeches streak through the water around them, all trying to get away from Neptune.

The enormous shark roars behind them, gaining speed and eating any zombies in its path.

"STAAAARRS!" Nemesis cries, backstroking for dear life.

The chase is on.

* * *

Alexia laughs evilly.

* * *

Carlos lights a fart on fire and destroys the remains of the blimp.

* * *

Ark sneezes.

* * *

* * *

_Note: Alright, I've got to apologize for a few things. First off, I promised that Rebecca would take a shower, but I didn't deliver. Sorry about that. Second, this chapter is really long for some reason, and I had to cramcharacters in at the end there to make them fit. Sorry about that too. I'll get to them in the next chapter, cross my heart!  
Alright.. So far, we've got two people who want to save Steve. Anyone else? Last chance to volunteer!  
__Next chapter: Death and chaos! Will our remaining heroes manage to escape the horrible monsters/deathtraps? __Also, Rebecca REALLY takes a shower this time. I promise!  
_Rebecca: YOU SON OF A-


	13. Rebecca ACTUALLY Takes A Shower

_All 'Resident Evil' characters © Capcom_

_Anyone else © whoever owns them _

**Chapter Twelve: Rebecca ACTUALLY Takes A Shower**

­"Everyone...hang...on..." Ada grunts through clenched teeth, holding on for dear life to her grappling gun. The cord stretches taut, slowly retracting as Ada weakly holds the trigger. Leon clings like a little lost boy to the woman's legs, while Claire in turn clings to his legs and Steve-...well, Steve just sort of hangs there on Claire's ankle via the handcuffs that have magically appeared.

"I'm...slipping!" Claire cries, digging into Leon's sturdy pants.

"Ditch Steve!" the man yells frantically, turning his head to look down at Claire.

"I...can't, he's...handcuffed to me!" the young woman explains. Leon turns his head again, trying to get a better view.

"S-stop that!" Ada stutters between fluttery girlish laughs.

"Stop what?" Leon asks, turning his head up to look at her.

"THAT!" Ada cries, wriggling. "You're tickling my leg!"

The entire group begins to sway as Ada writhes.

"Oh, sorry!" Leon apologizes, tilting his head back down again. Ada lets out a quick cry before bursting into a flight of giggles once more.

Claire looks upward, her face an annoyed death glare.

((A brief look inside Claire's thoughts))

Amidst a bright, colorful haze, Ada lays across several silk pillows while laughing ecstatically. "Oh Leon," she moans, "that tickles..."

Leon is tickling her with a feather while she feeds him grapes. "Coochiecoochiecoo-"

((pop!))

Emitting an animalistic growl, Claire promptly bites Leon on the thigh.

"DAAH!" he cries, squeezing Ada's (honk!)

"AIEE!" Ada squeals, her finger tightening on the grappling gun's trigger. The whole group shoots upward as the cable retracts at an alarming speed. So fast, in fact, that the four survivors overshoot the cliff and go sailing above it, flung freely into the air... They land with bone-jarring impact, and all goes black...

(meanwhile)

"Keep on running!" Enrico orders gruffly.

"Yes boss!" Billy and Rebecca respond in unison. They huff and puff, running through the forests as fast as they can go. Well...as fast as they can go while dragging Enrico in a makeshift sled behind them. Both grasping a rope, pulling hard, they make their way to what they hope will be safety.

"I really wish that I hadn't stubbed my toe back there," Enrico laments, relaxing on the sheet of metal that they are using for a sled.

"It's alright," Billy reassures him. "I'm an ex-marine. I'm used to carrying around worthless sacks of sh-"

"-it looks like...something...up ahead!" Rebecca interrupts, her chest heaving with every breath. She looks like she's about ready to die.

Sure enough, through the trees up ahead, there appears to be a light shining through the night.

"Onward!" Enrico cries, munching on a chicken wing and then gesturing forward with it. Groaning in dismay, the two sled-draggers push on.

(MEANWHIIIIILE)

"You really think we'll be safe here, sir?" Chris asks, watching as Wesker paces around. The S.T.A.R.S. Alpha team has taken shelter in a...shelter sort of place...in the woods. It's rickety, spooky, and mysterious, but it has power and running water.

"Hell if I know," Wesker replies. He pauses and watches everyone stare at him in discomfort. "...I mean...pff...of course we'll be safe, like...totally." He shrugs it off and continues to pace. "Until we find some new wheels, we'll stay here."

Jill is sitting on a musty couch, folding her legs back and forth and fidgeting anxiously. Barry sits beside her, trying to copy her movements. The Birkin adults are speaking quietly to one another in a corner of the spacious room, while their daughter continues to torment Anthony.

"DAAAH I'm gonna go explore this place," Jill finally cries, throwing her arms up in the air. She pushes off of the couch and stomps off down a random hallway.

"Atta girl, Jilly!" Barry cheers. He then promptly falls asleep. Chris starts tinkering with some of the tools at a workbench on one of the walls, while Wesker just keeps pacing around and looking evil.

"C'mon," Sherry coaxes, sidling up to Anthony on another couch.

"WAIT!" the S.T.A.R.S. rookie exclaims suddenly, leaping off of the couch and running to the other side of the room. "I...hear something!"

"This better be good," Sherry grumbles, folding her arms across her chest as she eyes Anthony with a skeptical glare.

"...I hear it too," Chris adds, walking forward slowly.

_Scccraaaape...scccrraaaape...sscccrraaaape..._

Everyone draws their guns. Sherry pulls out a rubber band and cocks it on one finger. Anthony assumes a laughable kung-fu crane stance. William and Annette hide under the workbench.

Lightning flashes in the windows. Thunder rumbles ominously... Tree branches scrape and scratch at the sides of the building.

The door bursts open- "OOOOGABOOGABOOGA!" –some figure rushing in-

"KYAAAAH!" Sherry screams in fright, cringing as she lets the rubber band fly.

The projectile strikes the figure, who collapses to the floor in a heap. "Everyone stand back," Wesker growls bravely. He walks forward, holding his gun at the ready. The tension is high as our man in black nudges the body with his foot, rolling it over to reveal...

"MARVIN BRANAUGH!" everyone screams in unison.

"Jinkies!" Barry exclaims. Chris swats him on the back of the head.

Wesker narrows his eyes in thought. "Officer Branaugh has obviously been driven mad by the prospect of getting his hands on Resident Evil 5." He turns around, facing the others. "Everyone, you've got to FOCUS! You mustn't let this mission get to your heads! CONCENTRATE!"

_...Prrrrt..._

Chris swats Barry on the back of the head again. "Sorry!" the older man whispers harshly, wincing.

Suddenly, two more people burst through the door!

"KYAAAAAH!"

Billy Coen and Rebecca Chambers explode into the room, brandishing sticks and a broken bottle. For a moment, there is utter silence as the group takes them in.

"Rebecca!" Chris exclaims, putting his gun away and running over. "What are YOU doing here?"

The young medic drops her makeshift weapons and sighs with relief. "Thank goodness! Our bus crashed and most of us were taken out by monsters!" she explains.

"I'm Rebecca's lover, Billy Co-OOF!" Billy is silenced by an elbow jab to the stomach from Rebecca.

"That's Billy," she says blandly. "He escaped with me." Her face changes to a softly quizzical expression. "You guys...your bus crashed too?"

"Um...yeah," Anthony replies, staring dumbfounded at Rebecca. She turns to look at him, and a weird silence fills the air.

"Hunh," Rebecca grunts, suddenly becoming half comatose. "That sucks."

'Let's Get It On', by Marvin Gaye starts playing.

"My name's...Rebecca Chambers," Rebecca mumbles.

"I'm Anthony Mihovich," Anthony responds numbly.

Sherry looks back and forth between the two, her cheeks puffing with anger as a scream of fury begins to build in her throat.

Cue record scratch as Billy steps forward. "Um yeah, anyway...I heard a woman scream in here. Is everyone alright?"

"Wasn't me," Annette responds, peeking out from under the workbench.

"Nor I," William assures the group. "...Just for the record."

"Wasn't me this time," Sherry adds.

"And it wasn't Jill," Chris notes. "She went off exploring."

Wesker sighs and adjusts his glasses. "Well then who the hell was it?"

Barry stands up from the couch and begins to search around. "I think I'll stay and.._look around more._" Everyone groans in dismay at him, but they watch nevertheless in interest. Suddenly, Barry approaches a couch cushion. "The scream came from...HERE!" He yanks the cushion away-

"KYAAAAAH!" Brad Vickers is hiding underneath, and emits a girlish cry of terror as he is uncovered.

"BRAD!" the entire room screams.

"Get 'im outta there!" Wesker growls, hiking a thumb. The collective physical effort of Chris, Barry, Billy, and Anthony eventually 'coax' the squirming man out of the couch. Brad flops onto the musty floor with a yelp, kicking and flailing.

"TELL US WHERE YOU HID THE MONEY!" Chris screams, throttling the yellow-vested man.

"Or why you abandoned us," Wesker adds.

Brad sobs uncontrollably. "It's because I'm a cowardly little girl!"

"A brilliant deduction," William states.

Rebecca cocks an eyebrow. "Hey...aren't we forgetting something?"

"GUUUUUUUYS!" a voice cries from outside. Everyone turns to stare at the doorway as Enrico appears, holding an empty cardboard bucket. "Hey, we ran out of chicke-..." The mustached man trails off as he and Wesker lock eyes.

Tensions are high in the room, and the silence is deafening. Then, nonchalantly, Wesker snaps a rubber band at Enrico's head. "GAAH!" the Bravo team leader cries, clamping two hands over an eye as he stumbles backwards out the door. "I HATE YOU GUYS, YOU GUYS SUCK!" He disappears into the night...

"ENRICOOOOO!" Rebecca cries, falling to her knees. Two seconds later, everyone is pointing their guns at Wesker.

The Alpha leader stares comatosely at nothing in particular from behind his dark shades. "...I didn't do it."

(STILL MEANWHILE)

"Ungh..." Leon grunts mannishly, sitting up and rubbing his head. The last thing he remembered was reflexively grabbing Ada's...

"Ow my butt," Ada grumbles, pushing up off of the ground and wincing. Claire sits up beside her, looking dazed as well.

Leon surveys the situation. "Everyone ok?"

"Still in one piece," Claire affirms with a nod. A hand comes out of nowhere and gives her a huge bag of money.

Without a second thought, the three of them hop to their feet. "Ok good let's go," Leon says hurriedly, and turns on his heel to take a step. But no sooner does he set one foot forward, when an immensely annoying whine sounds from behind the group.

"HeeEEeEEeeeEEEE**EEEEEEEYYYYYYYY!**"

Claire, Ada, and Leon all stop simultaneously, cringe, and then shudder. They turn halfway around while grinding their teeth to see a pair of handcuffs clinging to a rock on the edge of the cliff. The other end of the handcuffs has a pale hand stuck in it. A pale, wriggling hand. And over the edge...

"GuyyYYyyYYY**YYYYYY_YYYYYYYYYS!_**" Steve whines aloud, with enough annoying potency to kill an elephant on the spot. In fact, eight hundred miles away, in Africa, an elephant drops dead.

"Somebody...get Steve," Leon groans, waving a hand. No one moves. Suddenly...

"WE'LL SAVE STEVE!" a cluster of people shouts.

Ada gives them a skeptical look. "Who ARE you people? And where did you come from?"

A moment of silence passes. And then another.

"Ok, get Kamesen's ass out here!" Claire yells. Moments later, Kamesen himself (me) stumbles out onto the plateau.

"What, what, what is it Claire what WHAT," he blathers impatiently.

Claire opens her mouth, "Th-"

"What," Kamesen adds one more.

Claire just closes her mouth and glares at him, the wind ruffling her bangs a bit. Kamesen shuts his mouth and stares at her. "Kamesen, who wanted to save Steve?"

"...I can't remember," Kamesen admits. "Some people sent me e-mails too. And I'm an old man, see, and..and..."

Ada puts her hands on her hips. "And you haven't updated this STORY in FOREVER!" she yells, throwing a rock at his head.

"DAAAAHHH!" Kamesen cries, clutching his face. "AARGHHH...ssssssss...AAAAAHHHhhhh...sssssssssss...AAAAAAaaahhhHHHHHhhh...ssssssssssssssssss...AAAAAAaaaahhhh...sssssss...AAAAHHHhhhh..."

This goes on for about an hour.

Finally, Kamesen stands upright. "F(scratch)ck it, I'LL save him." He walks forward, moving through the small group of Steve fans and shaking their hands. "Pardon.. Hey, how's it goin'. 'Scuse me... Hi, how are ya. Watch it buddy! Commin' through. Hey. Hi there."

"He-he-heeeelp meeee," Steve whines, still hanging over the edge.

"Get your ass up here," Kamesen growls, yanking Steve up onto solid ground.

"I DIDN'T NEED YOUR HELP!" Steve squeals, slapping girlishly at Kamesen.

"GET OFF ME," Kamesen yells, throwing Steve into his crowd of adoring fans.

Leon, Claire, and Ada take his opportunity to run the hell away.

* * *

_  
Note: Very sorry for the long wait between updates. My job is almost chaotic as my life. WHEEE, SPECIAL KOOLAID FOR EVERYONE! No, no, I love you all. Thank you for your patience and your comments! Especially the devoted Steve fans who responded. You've saved his life!_

_  
Next time, on 'Resident Evil: Super Quest'! A timely visit from t-_

Chris: HEY.

Kamesen: WHAT.

Chris: ...You forgot to show Rebecca taking a shower again!

Kamesen: OH FOR THE LOVE OF- (stomps over to the shelter and walks through some halls, past a couple of people, through some more halls, and then busts into a bathroom and tears a shower curtain aside)

Barry: (wearing a pink shower cap) EEEEEEEEEEEEEK! (covers himself)

Kamesen: DAAAAAAAHHHHH (staggers away, clawing at his eyes)

(five minutes later)

Kamesen: (busts open another bathroom door)

Rebecca: (sitting in the bathtub, up to her neck in fluffy white bath suds, playfully honking a rubber ducky) Wheee!

Kamesen: THERE, CHRIS, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!

Chris: She's not taking a shower...

Kamesen: ...(stomps over, Rebecca watching him with an innocent wide-eyed expression as he grabs the shower head and sprays her with it)

Rebecca: Aaaah! (puts her arms over her head as water cascades down. The bubbles on her start to wash away, revealing-)

_NEXT TIME, ON RESIDENT EVIL SUPER QUEST:_

_A timely visit from the merchant may save the group! Or not. Will they find a new ride? Or will the mysterious shelter be the death of them! What the hell happened to Nemmy and crew! What is Alexia doing! Is Carlos ok! I WILL DO MY BEST TO UPDATE FASTER SO THAT YOU ALL WON'T HAVE TO WAIT SO LONG AND YOU CAN READ THIS EXCITING NEW PLOT DEVELOPMENT!_

_Until then, be kind to one another. And if someone is mean to you, step on their throat until they stop moving! _


	14. Jill takes a shower

_Resident Evil © Capcom_

_all other stuff © whoever owns it_

**Chapter Thirteen: ...Jill Takes A Shower**

"Ooh, I don't want anybody else oh no, oh no, oh no..." A singing feminine voice echoes down the dank corridors deep within the shelter. Water drips from some unseen source, and several rats scurry about in the dimness. As we pan further down the hall, the sound of running water becomes louder, as does the singing. The sudden squeak of a handle being turned accompanies the gradual decrease of water flow. However, the singing continues.

Suddenly, we cut to a spacious and brightly lit bathroom filled with steam. Jill Valentine slides across the tile floor, clad only in a white towel wrapped around her torso. "OOH I don't want anybody else! When I think _about _you, I touch myself!" She stands poised before a mirror, shaking her hips in rhythm with the song, bobbing her shoulders alternately up and down. Her hair whips about as she flings her head to the side, belting out lyrics.

But as she sings, an unseen figure creeps through the steam. Jill grabs a slick bar of soap tightly in her hands, squeezing her eyes shut tightly as she hits a high note. "OH NO NO NO-" the bar of soap squirts right out of her hands all of a sudden. Jill's note falters as she blinks in surprise, watching the bar of soap spin end over end. As if in slow motion, it falls towards the ground. Jill's breath catches in her throat, her blood freezing in her veins. The soap hits the floor with a dull, resounding boom. It bounces lightly, clattering to a stop by her feet.

Jill swallows hard, looking from left to right nervously as she wrings her hands. The tension is rising by the moment. Her heart slams in her chest, adrenalin racing through her veins as she bends over, reaching for the sudsy bar-

"Hey there, Stranger-"

"-_AAAAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEHHHHHH!_" BLAM!

**(meanwhile...)**

"GUNSHOTS!" Barry shouts, jumping up from the couch.

"There there, Barry," Chris coos, sitting the man back down gently and stroking his hair. "It was just a bad dream." Barry settles down, tucking his knees up against his chest and sucking his thumb.

"Actually, I think those really were gunshots," Annette chimes in.

"Nonsense, dear. What sort of tomfoolerous idiot would be ignorant enough to try and launch a piece of metal from another piece of metal using miniature explosions?" William scoffs. He and his wife go back to their calculations.

Around the room, the S.T.A.R.S. and co. are trying their best to keep occupied whilst thinking up ways to acquire a new set of wheels.

Wesker is pacing, as you may have guessed. In fact, he's worn a five-inch trench in the floor. It's getting deeper by the moment.

Brad is laying on his stomach and coloring in a coloring book while humming merrily.

Rebecca, Billy, Anthony, and Sherry are playing reverse pseudostrip bottlecaps in the middle of the floor. Billy is wearing Rebecca's sports bra and Sherry's schoolgirl skirt. Rebecca is wearing Anthony's t-shirt and boxers, and Sherry's socks. Anthony is wearing Billy's pants, no shirt, and Rebecca's panties on his head. Sherry is wearing Anthony's pants and Rebecca's shirt.

Billy concentrates hard, kneeling over a bottlecap as he poises another cap overtop of it.

Rebecca leans in, mumbling quietly. "Taking acid ride it ooout taking acid ride it ooout taking acid ride it ooout.."

"Dang it, quit trying to mess me up!" Billy grumbles. He snaps the bottlecap through the air. It flies across the room and hits Wesker, knocking him out cold.

"UN GOOOOOAAAAAL!" Sherry cries, throwing her arms up. "Gimme dem panties!" She scrambles for Anthony's head, reaching for Rebecca's underwear.

"MINE!" Anthony shouts protectively, grabbing the girl's wrists. Sherry growls, clenching and unclenching her fingers.

"Fine!" she snaps, defeated as she pulls her arms away and sits back down. "Well then at least put mine on your head too!" She starts struggling with the belt of Anthony's pants (which she's wearing, remember.)

"NOT ALLOWED!" Anthony screams, jumping up and running across the room. He barrels right into Jill, who bursts from the hallway clutching a towel around her. "OOF!"

The two collapse to the dingy wooden floor in a heap.

"MONSTERS!" Brad cries, diving behind the couch.

Chris stands up, hurrying over to them. "Are you guys ok?"

Suddenly, a shady figure steps forth from the shadows. "Howdy, Straaangers..."

Everyone turns around and gasps...

**(elsewhere...)**

"STROKE! STROKE! STROKE!" Morpheus and Marcus shout in unison. They sit atop Nemesis's back as the poor bioweapon swims for his (un)life from Neptune. The huge shark is gaining on them fast, gaining, gaining, GAINING-

((CHOMP!)) Del Lago, the giant salamander, swallows Neptune whole out of nowhere.

"HOORAH!" Marcus and Morpheus cry, throwing their hands up in victory. But their joy is short-lived as Del Lago belches and then sets its sights on the trio.

"DAAAH KEEP STROKING!" Morpheus screams, swatting Nemesis on the head.

"SSSsssstaaabrlrbrlrb..." Nemmy groans, paddling as fast as he can.

"I'm too beautiful to die!" Marcus sobs.

Morpheus just stares at him for a moment. "...Um, excuse me, but I'M too beautiful to die."

"Oh is that so!"

"...Sttaaarrrsbslsbslbs..."

**(still elsewhere)**

"...and then I cut him up into smaller blocks and made miso soup out of him."Hunk takes another drag from his cigarette as he walks.

"THAT'S a lot of TOFU!" Carlos screams, walking beside him. He jumps as a bullet ricochets off of the ground by his foot.

"Dang it!" a far-off voice echoes angrily.

Carlos squints out into the distant fields. "Who keeps shooting at us?"

"I dunno man," Hunk replies coolly, inhaling and then letting the smoke from his ciggy trail out from between his eyelids. "Probably Nicholai." Hunk smirks. "He's such a punk."

"Come along then, Mikahil," Carlos urges.

The somewhat chubby Russian waddles along faster, over-exaggerating his own chubbiness despite not really being fat. "I'm coming!" He lets out a few broken farts as he runs along.

Carlos and Hunk decide to walk a bit faster.

BLAM!—twanggg! "Dang it!"

**(EVEN MORE ELSEWHERE)**

"Alfred...I leave everything...to you," Alexia gasps weakly, reaching towards her brother as she slumps in her throne.

The 'male' Ashford leans in close, his eyes sparkling with anticipation. "Really?"

Alexia snorts with laughter and sits up straight. "Naah, I'm just messin' with ya. OK STATUS UPDATE."

Her sharp command echoes through the huge chamber. The only reply is the droning 'bonk' and 'bing' of Krauser's pinball machine. That, and the light, steady tone of Saddler's snoring.

Alexia's cheeks puff with anger as she lowers her chin, eyes blazing. Alfred ducks slowly, putting his hands over his ears. His sister gradually pulls in a large breath through her nostrils, chest swelling as her lungs fill with air.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Alexia screams, her eyes burning crimson red as she leans forward in her throne and shoots a raging stream of fire from her lips.

"AH SH- WHAT THE-" Saddler jumps in his throne on the west wall, cowering at the sight of flame burning the air. "HOLY CRAP!"

Finally, the huge fireblast vanishes with a vacuum-like 'whoosh!' Alexia smirks quietly, propping her head up with a hand as she folds one leg over the other. (SEXY)

Saddler is swatting a few flames on his dress- I mean robe in a panicked frenzy.

Krauser lazily crawls out from under his charred pinball machine and continues to play.

Alexia frowns, scowling (CUTE) "You all SUCK!" she snaps.

"YEAH YOU GUYS SUCK!" Alfred squeaks. Alexia slaps him for no reason.

Everyone groans in dismay as the whiny electric motor sounds from further down the halls. Sure enough, Salazar's silhouette can be seen weaving unsteadily down the corridor on his Hotwheels™ battery-operated toy car.

"I haeif an idea!" the little Spaniard demon announces. He runs the car straight into the large step at the bottom of the platform leading to Alexia's throne. Everyone cringes as the back end of the car hops into the air, Salazar shrieking in dismay as he is thrown forward in the seat. After a few moments of struggling and grunting, the world's smallest villain pushes his hat up off of his face and looks around, huffing and puffing and glaring.

Alexia gazes at him with tired exasperation, resting her cheek heavily on one hand. "Ok," she concedes, loosely waving her other hand in approval. "Tell us your idea."

Salazar just sits there for a moment, his huffing and puffing gradually getting quieter as he squints in deep thought, lowering his head. After a few moments, he gives one more huff and then looks up to Alexia with a pained expression of deep confusion. "...What's for deener?"

(two seconds later)

"AAAAAH! AAH AAH _AAAAAAAAH!_" Salazar zips around the corner in his Hotwheels™ car, driving as fast as he can to get away. Several huge bursts of flame come reeling after him, burning the air and singing the walls. The whine of his car's crappy electric motor quickly fades away, as well as his pathetic screaming.

Back in the main chamber, Alexia is sitting in her throne as she had been before, propping her tilted head on one fist with her legs elegantly folded one over the other. She has a smile on her face again, but it is a psychotic smile and her eyes are still glowing crimson.

Krauser has fallen asleep on his pinball machine.

Saddler is nervously wringing his hands. "Um, er...I'll deploy Mendez and that giant alligator right away...ma'am." He trails off and begins to sweat profusely as Alexia continues to stare at him with that unnerving psycho smile and glowing red eyes. "Um...yes..." Saddler coughs, clapping his hands twice.

From one of the halls, there is a very brief and loud glimpse of Mendez riding atop a giant stampeding, alligator. Its wild bellows fade away as it runs off, the castle walls shaking slightly. "...Um..." Saddler wrings his hands some more, noticing that Alexia's eerie expression hasn't changed at all. "A...also, I'll have...Krauser bring the two hostages out...as incentive for our enemies to surrender..." He forces a shaky smile, turning to look at the heavily muscled ex-special forces agent. "...Right...Krauser?"

_Ping, blingabling, plong. Bloop. _Krauser's eyes never leave the pinball machine as he lazily slaps at the controls. Saddler gives a nervous laugh towards Alexia before turning back to Krauser again. "Ahem...I said...RIGHT, KRAUSER? HAHA?"

"FIIIIIiiiiiiiiine fine fine FINE," Krauser whines, smacking the machine and spinning on his heel to stalk off into the darkness of the halls. Saddler cracks another 'please don't kill me' laugh as Alexia's 'I'm going to kill something' psychotic smile grows even wider.

A moment later, Krauser comes back in wearing a big orange lifejacket. "I'm out," he grunts. Two Ganado zombies follow behind him. One drags Ashley graham, the other Luis Sera.

"LEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOON! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-"

Saddler winces, forcing a good-humored grin as he half-claws at his ears, nodding to Krauser.

"-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-"

Luis is screaming something like 'Shut the hell up already!" as the Ganados drag them away, but it is drowned out by Ashley's scream. In fact, the scream doesn't even begin to end, even as Krauser and the Ganados exit with their hostages. It only fades into the distance...

"What a BITCH," Alfred sneers.

"Aha, yes, mm," Saddler mumbles, still anticipating that Alexia is about to rip his head off. "Erm, claw guy, why don't you go with them."

Immediately, a Garrador bounds out of one of the hallways, screeching exactly like a howler monkey and leaping off into the night through the exit doors. "OOH OOH **AAAH AAAH AAAAAH!**"

Saddler clasps a hand over his eyes, squeezing his temples. "And...anything else we have prepared at the moment."

A horde of spiders from all the games, more crows, all the mutated zoo animals from Outbreak, the lickers that look like shaved chimps from Gun Survivor, U3/"It", plants, albanoids, dogs, more dogs, a zebra, three leeches, some bats, moths, Lisa Trevor-

_We interrupt this program for a random creature wedding._

(a Grave Digger and a Gulp Worm are on top of a grassy hill, dressed in a tux and dress, respectively.)

Priest: I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Zombies wearing tuxes in the audience: (moan and clap lethargically)

Ganado woman: (cries and dabs at her eyes with a handkerchief)

Priest: You may now kiss the bride.

Grave Digger: RAAAAAAAAAAH (bites Gulp Worm's head off)

_Now back to the show, already in progress._

-more dogs, a bunch of those g-virus offspring things from RE2, Yawn, those weird monkeys from RE0, and some hunters all stampede through the main chamber, roaring and bellowing and howling.

Several moments later, a pudgy old zombie doberman waddles into the chamber, following the others. "...Wwwuf...wwuf...hh hhhh hhhhh...www-www-wwuff..." Everyone watches as the dog slowly makes its way to the exit.

"Attaboy, General," Alfred nods.

The exit doors finally close with a quiet, resounding boom. Silence fills the chamber.

Saddler releases a pent-up, shaky sigh as he rubs his forehead. "There, now THIS time, our enemies will be properly dealt with. They have NO chance of winning against these odds."

The horde of creatures that just ran through all pile onto a bus somehow, accompanied by a collective animal roar. One of the RE0 monkeys takes the wheel, hopping up and down excitedly and screeching as the crowded bus rocks and creaks. It manages to find the key in the ignition, gives it a twist, and-

The bus takes off immediately, tires squealing and engine blazing. It slams into a tree four feet away and explodes.

The General plods up to it a moment later, panting heavily. "Wwuf...www-wwuff wuff..."

Saddler is holding his face with one hand. Wide, horrified eyes peer out from inbetween his fingers as Alexia's tight, malevolent smile twitches just slightly, her eyes widening into a terrifying glare.

_P-pprrrRRRRRRrrrrt..._

Alfred blushes, sinking down low in his seat. Alexia's burning crimson eyes flash to him, the death-smile still plastered on her face...

**(meanwhile, else...where...)**

Bruce McGivern and Fong Ling now share the wagon with Lily, Lott, and Vincent. It has become quite crowded indeed.

Ark continues to pull the group, although he's now found a less physically-strenuous way to do it. Squatting precariously atop a remote-control car, our hero bravely clutches the controller in his hands. The tiny electric motor struggles to compensate for the rope tied to its rear bumper, a rope which is attached also to a little red wagon holding five people.

Fong has fallen asleep on Bruce's shoulder, and is snoring and drooling quite profusely. Bruce grimaces, trying to shake her off to no avail. Meanwhile, Vincent and Lott are getting into a heated argument.

"...Stop touching me," Vincent grunts, flinching away from the boy.

"You're touching ME," Lott insists, squirming.

"Stoppit!" Vincent hisses, shifting again.

"AAAAaaaark, Vincent's touching meeeee!" Lott whines.

Ark turns halfway around to glare back at them, his face a twisted mask of rage. "SHUT THE **F(beep!)K UP**!"

* * *

_Note: So ends another chapter! According to the reviews, (thank you very much to all who read and reviewed!), I tried to pack in as much as I could. Hope you enjoyed! Please feel free to continue giving suggestions! I aim to please. _

_Next chapter: How will Leon deal with Krauser having kidnapped Ashley and Luis? Will it delay his and Ada's and Claire's and...Steve's...quest to purchase the newest Resident Evil game? _

_And what of The S.T.A.R.S. and friends? Will the merchant help them? Does he sell WHEELS?_

_Will Nicholai ever hit his targets?_

_Will Alexia kill everyone?_

_Will ARK kill everyone?_

_WILL NEMMY AND CREW ESCAPE DEL LAGO!_

_Find out, in the next exciting episode of...**RESIDENT EVIL: SUPER QUEST!**_

(ps: I fixed the spacing typos. Thanks, sylphstarwind!)


	15. The Hottest Merchant Ever

_All 'Resident Evil' characters © Capcom_

_Anyone else © whoever owns them_

**Chapter Fourteen: The Hottest Merchant Ever**

Unfortunately, Steve catches up to the trio. Leon, Claire, and Ada walk ahead of him along the desert road, trying to drown out the whiny teen. "GuyyyYYYyyyys, slow DOOOooowwwWWWN!" Steve moans.

"This little light of mine," Leon begins.

Claire and Ada chime in wearily, "I'm gonna let it shine."

"Guuuuys..." Even Steve is starting to sound worn out.

Leon has his infamous RE4 jacket slung over one shoulder, revealing a plain white t-shirt underneath. Ada's black hoodie is tied around her waist, while she sports her traditional Chinese red dress beneath.

Claire squints at the two as they all walk along, suddenly feeling the urge to remove something as well in the 'heat' of the moment. Haha.

Without further hesitation, she grabs the waist of her pants and pulls hard, tearing them off in a flash. Everyone stops and gawks in amazement as her RE2 tight black spandex shorts and pink denim cutoff shorts are revealed.

"WHOOAA!" Steve screams, his eyes bugging out. "Is it just me, or did this desert just get a lot hotter?"

Leon claps slowly, trying to keep his tongue from lolling out of his mouth. "That's...that's some trick, Claire," he stutters.

Ada just walks past, sizing Claire up with a 'hmph' as she passes. The ponytailed Redfield shrugs and slings her ruined jeans over one shoulder as the group continues on.

**(meanwhile)**

"Mush! Mush! Mush!" Marcus commands.

"Sssstaaarsss..." Nemesis chimes in, standing proudly atop the head of Del Lago. The giant salamander obediently swims through the seas, carrying its three passengers.

"We should be hitting land soon!" Morpheus speculates. The group continues on in silence for a minute. Then, Morpheus squints in deep thought and opens his mouth to say something. "Um...correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't salamanders freshwater creatures?"

No sooner does he say this, when Del Lago begins sinking beneath the surface of the ocean as it utters a death rattle. Nemesis claps a hand over his eyes in dismay, while Marcus just glares hatefully at Morpheus as they too sink lower and lower, still drifting forward through the massive ocean.

"I hate you," Marcus states firmly, the last word cut off by a stream of bubbles as the trio is submerged.

**(um...elsewhere...)**

Robert Kendo comes in out of nowhere, entering the main room of the shelter where the S.T.A.R.S. and their compatriots are gathered. "Who are you?" he demands, menacingly aiming his crossbow at the merchant's face. "What are you doing here?"

Everyone stares intensely from Kendo to the merchant.

"...What are ya buyin'?" the merchant asks simply.

Kendo breathes a sigh of relief, lowering his weapon. "Whew...sorry about that, babe."

Sherry snorts with laughter, pointing at the merchant. "Heheh...he called you 'babe'."

"Actually Sherry," Barry starts, stroking his beard, "I think Mr. Kendo is right."

"What on earth are you babbling about?" Annette asks from under the workbench.

Barry smirks triumphantly, pointing a finger at the shady figure. "That merchant is a WOMAN."

Ten whole seconds of awkward silence pass.

Finally Jill stands up, re-adjusting her bath towel as she scowls in confusion. "Barry...what in the HELL are you SAYING?"

"Men's intuition," Chris adds. He nods to the merchant. "Go ahead, ask her what she's selling."

"No way man, he freaks me out!" Jill exclaims, hiding behind Chris. The group (minus Wesker and Brad, who are still unconscious) begins to argue amongst themselves.

"I'LL ask her!" Billy shouts. He looks around for the merchant, who is crouched by Wesker and poking the man repeatedly. "Uh, excuse me um...Miss uh...merchant...lady..."

"Oh get out of the way!" Rebecca shouts, pushing Billy aside. "There's no way he's a chick." She storms up to the merchant. "Hey! Merchant! Show us your wares!"

The merchant turns to look at Rebecca, then stands up and pulls open the long gray trenchcoat to reveal-...

**(haha, cliffhangar! ok we'll come back to that in a bit. but meanwhile...)**

"AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Alfred screams shrilly, running as fast as he can while jets of flame rush after him.

Alexia is hovering around the main chamber of the fortress, laughing evilly and blasting her brother with death from above.

Saddler is just cowering on his throne, with his knees pulled up to his chest and a 'last will and testament' being hastily written out on some notebook paper.

**(oh dear. uuuh, MEANWHILE...)**

"I'M the cute one!" Lott yells.

"I AM!" Lilly retorts.

"YOU'RE BOTH FUGLY LITTLE WRETCHES!" Vincent screams.

Ark lets go of the wagon and it rolls down a hill, accompanied by the terrified screams of the passengers before it slams into a wall and explodes...

Ark suddenly blinks, snapping out of his daydream. He glances back to see the wagon handle still in his hand, and the wagon full of sleeping people.

Ark sighs and keeps walking.

**(elsewhere...)**

"Carlos, how many more miles to Japan?" Hunk asks, squinting in the glare of the overhead sun.

Carlos stops twirling his pistolas for a moment and looks to Hunk. "One-thousand-three-hundred-and-twenty-seven," he announces without a blink.

"Crap," Hunk curses, glancing out at the forests in the distance as the two of them continue to walk along the narrow footpath. Oh yeah, and Mikhail's there too.

_ZZzzzzIP-**PWING!**_

"OOOW! " Mikhail bellows annoyingly, grabbing himself in various places with both hands.

"Oh shut up," Hunk mutters. "That didn't even touch you."

"Dang it!" echoes a voice from the distance.

**(and meanwhile, in the desert...)**

Leon stops walking. Ada bumps into him, Claire bumps into her and Steve sees it coming but he bumps into Claire anyway and starts groping her.

"Get OFFAME" Claire hisses, flailing her arms and slapping at him.

"Ow, OW!" Steve hisses back, shielding himself. They then focus on what exactly the holdup was.

Looking past Leon, they see a figure up ahead. Three, actually. A massively muscular man in camouflage pants and a red beret, a Spaniard with duct tape over his mouth, and a whiney blonde in a plaid skirt and an orange sweatervest.

"LEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—"

"AARGH!" the group collectively cries out in agony as Ashley's cry explodes throughout the desert, causing a miniature earthquake. They grab their ears in anguish, gritting their teeth and doubling over.

"—EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!" Finally she shuts up and pouts pathetically.

**(ten million miles away, in space)**

"—_EEEEEEEEEEEEELP!" _

The windows on an alien UFO crack and the whole ship implodes, killing everyone inside.

**(back in the desert on earth)**

"Ashley!" Leon cries, taking a few dramatic running steps forward before halting even more dramatically. "Grrr, KRAUSER!"

"Grrr, LEON!" Krauser mocks, sticking his tongue out. "Take one more step forward and you can say goodbye to your girlfriends!"

"MRMRMGRMRGMRGRMG!" Luis growls through the duct tape, flailing and kicking uselessly.

Krauser just smirks and chuckles, but is interrupted by a swift kick to the groin from Ashley. He grunts in pain and promptly drops the two hostages, falling to his knees and then onto his face. "You...bitch..." he squeaks.

"LEON!" Ashley cries, running over to him.

"ASHLEY!" Leon cries back, running to meet her.

Everything changes to slow motion as the scene fades between Leon and Ashley laughing and running while cheesy feelgood music plays in the background. The scene also fades to Claire and Ada who are just rolling their eyes and standing there with hands on hips, and to Krauser who is groaning in slow motion agony and rolling around on the ground while holding his groin.

Ashley bowls Leon over and starts slurping his face like an excited puppy. "AAAH! Ahahah!" Leon laughs, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to push her away. "Ahah..ok...ok that's really kind of weird." He pushes her onto the ground and stands up abruptly, wiping his face off and looking around nervously. Ashley just sits there and stares up at him with big puppydog eyes, panting excitedly, tongue lolling out and all.

"Ashley, you're not a puppy," Leon says with a sigh.

"Awww but she's sooo cuuuute!" Steve coos, stepping around Leon to gaze at her.

"Steve, shut your damn mouth."

Steve shuts up and goes back to stand with Ada and Claire.

Meanwhile, Luis is doing the worm to try and make his way over to the group. (He's tied up, don't ya know.)

"C'mere, El Spanko," Ada grumbles, setting Luis free. She starts peeling the tape off of his mouth.

"No no, Senorita, leave the tape on!" Luis says hurriedly, stopping her. He smirks knowingly. "It makes me look muy sexy." As the others stare in awkward confusion at him, Luis replaces the tape and goes to lay down in the sand by Claire's feet, who regards him with an blank stare.

"LEON YOU BASTARD!" Krauser screams, his voice about as high as a chipmunk's. The group busts into laughter at him, as he clears his throat and starts again. "Leon, you bastard!" Krauser yells once more, his voice having normalized. "This isn't over yet! I propose a duel!"

"Deal!" Leon accepts immediately. "Steve, hold my jacket." He picks his jacket up off of the sand and throws it on top of Steve's head. Steve immediately starts screaming like a girl and running around, until Ada knocks him over and rips the jacket off of his head.

"Ok Krauser, let's do this!" Leon whips out his sweet-ass desert eagle and loads a clip. "Ladies, if you please."

Claire and Ada sigh in exasperation.

"Ladiiiies, if you PLEAAASE!" Leon demands. "Come on, I need this!"

Claire and Ada cup their hands over their mouths and start doing that theme to 'The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly'.

"Ai-yai-yaaaa...waaaa waaaa waaaaaaaaa-a-a-a-a..."

Ashley fashions a tumbleweed out of some twigs and tosses it towards the two men. It just sort of hits the ground and doesn't move.

"Choose your weapon," Leon challenges.

Krauser pulls a rocket launcher out of his pants and grins manaically, aiming it at Leon.

"Um...that doesn't seem fair," Leon starts. No sooner does he say that, when about five dozen of those stupid exploding robot things pop out of the ground and all turn to face our hero. "...Ok, now THAT'S not fair at ALL!"

"TIME TO DIE!" Krauser screams, firing a rocket. And then all hell breaks loose...

**(HAAAH! another cliffhanger! oh man I'm such a bastard. now, where was I...)**

"WHOA!" all the men (except Brad and Wesker, who are STILL unconscious) exclaim.

Standing before them is the merchant, with her (it's obviously a her now!) trenchcoat pulled wide open. Underneath, aside from an assortment of weapons, she is wearing Jill Valentine's RE3 costume!

"Hot damn!" Chris yells, his eyes bugging out. Jill slaps the back of his head.

"WOO YEAH!" Billy shoves two fingers in his mouth and starts whistling frantically. Rebecca slaps the back of his head.

"Good gracious!" William exclaims. He pulls off his shoe and starts hitting himself with it. Annette slaps the back of his head.

"That is undoubtedly the hottest merchant ever," Anthony notes aloud. Sherry slaps the back of his head.

"What a hottie!" Kendo shouts. Barry looks around, then slaps the back of his head for good measure.

The merchant continues to pose, showing off an impressive assortment of curves- I mean weapons. And items. And uh, stuff. Ballistics. (I knew this was a bad idea)

"So..." she begins, her sparkling eyes peering out from the gap between her facemask and hood. "What are ya buyin'?"

"A-daah daaah daah," Chris mumbles in reply, grabbing his lower jaw with his hand. Jill punches him in the shoulder and shoves him away to sit next to Barry.

Billy, unblinkingly, starts to point towards the merchant's wares. "I want...those..." he murmurs numbly. Rebecca slaps his hand down furiously. And then slaps him on the head. And again. And again and again and again. Pretty much she just beats him down until he's unconscious.

"Perhaps I could make a few suggestions as to what we should purchase," William states, and begins getting up off of the floor.

"Don't even THINK about it," Annette growls icily, yanking him back down under the workbench.

Anthony looks to Sherry. Sherry just glares at him and folds her arms over her chest before looking away. He shrugs and looks at the merchant again. "Um, excuse me, miss merchant...lady...uh...do you have Resident Evil 5, by any chance?"

The merchant shakes her head slowly. "Sorry, stranger. It's not out yet."

"Hmm," Anthony snaps his fingers in defeat and looks down thoughtfully. After a moment, he looks up again and asks "How about a date!" Sherry just growls.

The merchant shakes her head again. "Not enough cash! ...Stranger."

Anthony gives a half-hearted laugh and waves his hands. "Ok ok ok seriously, what HAVE you got?"

The merchant takes a deep breath. "WEEeeeell..."

"Handguns, rifles, shotguns, launchers, ammo, grenades, squirtguns, darts, blowguns, puppy chow, mortars, proxy mines, remote mines, mine mines, flinstones kids chewable vitamins, crossbows, bolts, explosive bolts, acid bolts, incendiary bolts, peanut butter bolts..."

**(twelve hours later)**

"...collapsable minibikes, a microwave oven, candy corn, fake IDs, Wesker's underpants- oh wait those aren't for sale... cheap movie tickets, some old gum-"

"WAIT! We'll take those bikes!" Chris exclaims suddenly. Everyone jolts awake (except for Brad and Wesker who are **STILL **unconscious, and Anthony who has been sitting in front of the merchant and listening intently to everything she's said.)

"Ok, that'll be five bucks," the merchant states.

Everyone starts digging around in their pockets for change. They come up with three ninety two and a paperclip. "Dang it," Billy growls under his breath. "Where are we gonna get another two bucks."

William clenches and unclenches his fists, looking down at the puny mess of change and a couple bills. "We NEED that money as a means of traveling to Japan so that we may get our hands on the newest Resident Evil game!"

Billy looks at Rebecca. "I'll sleep with you for two bucks," he offers. She slaps him in the face.

Suddenly, Annette looks like she has an idea. "Sell her the paperclip."

Everyone looks at her. "You think that'll work?" Jill contemplates aloud. "I mean...she's wearing my RE3 outfit. She's obviously high-class. She doesn't need paperclips."

"It's worth a try!" Chris decides. He picks up the paperclip to Kendo. "Here, you're a businessman. Go sell this paperclip to the merchant for two dollars."

Kendo snorts, taking the paperclip. "Ok, if you say so." But as soon as he walks past the window towards the merchant, the giant alligator's head crashes through and grabs him in its jaws. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHH WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?" Kendo screams as he is pulled back out the window.

"BUENOS NOCHES, SUCKERS!" Chief Mendez's voice echoes into the night.

Anthony, Chris, Billy, and Barry all drop to their knees. "KENDOOOOOOO!" they scream collectively. Meanwhile, everyone else (except Brad and Wesker, for obvious reasons, and the merchant who feels no fear) have crowded to the other side of the room and are shivering with fright.

"Great!" William cries. "Now we've lost all our money, AND the paperclip! How on earth are we going to-"

"Uuuhnh.." A groan interrupts William. Everyone looks over as Wesker sits up off of the floor and rubs his head. "What the hell happe-"

"WESKY!" the merchant squeals suddenly, pouncing on him. "WHEEE!"

"GAAH!" Wesker shrieks, trying to get away but to no avail. "Do something, you morons! Get this crazy girl off of me!"

No one seems to be doing anything, though. "Hey..." Chris starts. "If we give you Wesker, will you give us the bikes?"

Wesker looks horrified. "Why would you-"

"DEAL!" the merchant screams happily.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Wesker howls.

Two minutes later, the gang (sans Wesker) is peddling down the street on their new fold-up miniature tricycles.

Chris takes the lead in one, William and Annette share the second, Jill and Rebecca the third, Billy and Barry a fourth, and Anthony brings up the rear with the fifth. Sherry clings to his chest, while an unconscious Brad has been slung onto his back. He struggles to keep up with the others, teeth clenched the whole way. "I hate my life..." he mutters.

"That merchant said there was a bus station some ways down this road!" Chris calls out, the wind whipping lazily through his short hair as he peddles.

"Yeah but didn't she say there was something dangerous about it?" Billy asks. He tries to ignore Barry, who is clinging to his back and squirting at imaginary targets in the darkness.

"I think she said something like 'watch out for Plant42' or something," Chris answers. "I couldn't tell over Wesker's screaming."

"What's Plant42?" Jill yells as she peddles.

"Probably something stupid!" Billy scoffs. The group peddles on into the night...

* * *

_Next time on 'Resident Evil: Super Quest':_

_What horrors lurk at the bus station? Will Leon and co. be able to defeat Krauser and his army of stupid robots? Will Nemesis and his 'crew' ever make it to dry land? Will Nikolai leave the gang alone? Will Alexia stop frying her brother? Will Ark break down crying? Find out next time on the next exciting edition of: 'Resident Evil: Super Quest'!11_

_Thank you all for reading and very much for your kind reviews! I'm glad that you're enjoying the story, and I hope that you like this latest chapter! As always, I will try to work any suggestions you all have into the story. It's FUN!_

_It's probably pretty obvious who the merchant turned out to be in this chapter. But ten random points still go to who can guess first :)_


	16. Sex and Violence, Mostly Without the Sex

_All 'Resident Evil' characters © Capcom_

_Anything else © whoever owns it_

_SPECIAL THANKS TO TENACIOUS D FOR THEIR AWESOME SONG WHICH I AM USING WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION

* * *

_

**Chapter Fifteen: Sex and Violence, Mostly Without the Sex**

"DAAAH!" Leon throws himself to the ground, the rocket rushing through the air where he had just been standing. Claire and Ada dive to either side, and the rocket flies past them and explodes in the distance, blowing up an orphanage.

"WAHAHAHAAA!" Krauser laughs, and orders his legion of explody-bots to attack. Heavy metal rock music blasts out of nowhere. Then it is revealed that Ashley has put on black eyeliner, spiked her hair messily, and is wailing on a guitar w/amp. Somehow. Steve on drums.

Anyway, Leon hops up like a madman and whips out two six-shooters. "BANGBANG!" he screams, as he pulls the triggers furiously. Bots exploded in bright clouds of shrapnel and mayhem that reflect in the ex-cop's icy blue eyes. Oh the intensity!

Ada and Claire eagerly join in the fray; Claire whipping out her 9 and Ada pulling an SMG out from behind her back. "KLAH KLAH!" Claire shouts as she fires her handgun, gangster style. More bots fall, detonating violently in the sand.

"BRATT-TATT-TATTA, mutha f-" Ada growls, a loud explosion cutting her off as more of the exploding robot things are destroyed under the hail of SMG fire.

The robots are quickly losing. But meanwhile, Luis is doing the worm! I mean Krauser is getting ready to attack. Sorry. Yeah, Krauser is pulling out his knoife. "IMMA GUT YOU, SUCKAH!" he screams, pointing a finger at Leon and licking his knife like a psycho. Suddenly, Krauser cuts his tongue by accident. He starts screaming, then crying deliriously, then screaming again. Perhaps his gangsta talk has disoriented him. Well now he is jumping around and screaming amidst the wild battle.

And Ashley and Steve play on, their insane death metal music blasting through the desert accompanied by various gunfire and explosions.

It is awesome.

**(meanwhile)**

"Hang on," Carlos says suddenly, and stops. Hunk stops walking as well. Mikhail plows into him and then falls on his ass and is knocked out.

"What is it?" Hunk asks, his voice edged with tired annoyance as he ducks under another of Nikolai's shots and lights a cigarette at the same time.

"DANG it!" the angry Russian screams from the distance.

Carlos's eyes narrow. "I...I think I...hear something." He turns around and peers into the dense trees beside the path.

Hunk joins him, pushing aside a large fern leaf. "What in the hell is that."

A gigantic alligator stampedes through the woods. Chief Mendez sits on its back, screaming delightedly as he is jostled around by the beast's hasty stomping. He is wearing a big sombrero.

Hunk lets go of the fern leaf and turns away from the woods. "Ok. We should...keep going."

"Affirmative," Carlos softly agrees, suddenly feeling homesick. He takes out a sandwich and starts eating it. They each grab one of the unconscious Mikhail's legs and keep on walking.

**(MEANWHILE)**

Anthony Mihovich, rookie S.T.A.R.S. member and cousin of Leon Kennedy, feels like he is going to die. The last leg of the group's tricycle journey has taken them to an insanely steep hill which supposedly overlooks the bus station. The rest of the group has pushed on, racing up the hill with relative ease. But Anthony, laden with not only an unconscious Brad Vickers, but ALSO Sherry Birkin clinging to him, is taking a bit longer.

_Squeak...squeak...squeak..._

The tricycle squeaks and whimpers under the strain as Anthony slowly but surely forces his feet forward in the peddles. The road on the hill is basically a seventy-five degree incline. It sucks. Squinting, he can faintly make out everyone's silhouettes at the top; their forms dimly outlined by a lone streetlamp.

Brad is snoring as he lays slumped precariously over Anthony's shoulders. Cold drool begins seeping down the rookie's shirt, and he shudders in revulsion. Meanwhile, Sherry is curled up snugly in his lap, singing songs while she playfully draws little patterns on his chest.

"Ass..and titties..ass and titties.. Ass, ass, titties, titties, ass and titties," the twelve year old sings.

Anthony glowers, clenching his teeth as he struggles to keep peddling. "Stop...singing...that...STUPID...SONG..." he orders.

Sherry pouts and pokes his chest. "I will if you give me a kiss. Deal?"

Anthony's eyes roll back in his head in pure exasperation as he wonders why he's been cursed with this. "No...deal..." he growls.

"You're no fun!" Sherry whines.

As they continue their painfully slow ascent up the hill, Anthony can faintly hear the others' voices at the top.

"...can see it from here," Chris is saying. "It looks deserted."

"Do you see any buses, dear?" Annette asks.

"No, I do not," William laments.

"Do you even know what a bus LOOKS like?" Billy asks, snorting.

Rebecca just giggles.

Jill sighs and checks her ammo.

"There's a bus!" Barry exclaims, pointing. I hope it's not Chris's b-"

"OK," Chris interrupts. "As soon as Anthony gets up here, we'll head in. Everyone check your ammo."

"I already checked mine," Jill announces.

"WooOOoo, aren't WE special? 'I already checked mine!'" William says in a mocking tone. "That's YOU. That's what YOU sound like."

"Hey why don't you shut your pasty white scientist mouth," Jill starts.

"GUYS!" Chris cuts in. "Come on." He looks around. "I mean, come on! Just...just come on." The group settles down.

_Squeak...squeak...squeak..._

Finally Anthony makes it to the top of the crest. Chest heaving, labored breaths huffing, he drops his feet from the pedals and plants them shakily on the ground to keep from rolling backwards. As the others formulate a plan, Anthony simply tries to catch his breath while looking back and forth between them.

"Well I have a bad feeling about this," Chris states, wringing Jill's hands. She just stares in bewilderment at him, but silently agrees with a somewhat uncomfortable nod.

"Where should we head in from?" Rebecca wonders aloud, peering at the bus station through a telescope. The dimly lit station glows softly under the overhead illumination of several streetlamps. One of them flickers ominously. Or cheaply.

"I say we go in THERE," Billy declares, pointing hard. He prods Barry in the eye by accident, causing the older man to cry out in pain and double over while clutching his face.

"Really?" Annette ponders this. "Scientifically, it would be best to go in through THERE." She points one finger, accidentally poinking Billy in HIS eye.

"OW!" Billy grabs his face and starts crying.

"You're both wrong," Jill says as-a-matter-of-factly. "THAT is the strategically best way to go," she informs them, gesturing wildly with a hand. She inadvertently backhands Chris.

"ACK!" Chris yelps, covering his face with one arm.

Anthony's brow arches slightly in worry as he watches the chaos unfold. He raises an index finger, opening his mouth to intervene, but can't seem to think of what to say.

"LISTEN to me!" Chris cries. "We're going straight through the FRONT DOOR!" He punches Annette in the face, who tumbles into William, who shoves Rebecca for no reason, who stumbles backwards-

-right into Anthony.

"OOF!" the rookie grunts, trying to keep his feet on the ground...and failing.

_Squeak-...squeak...squeak, squeaksqueaksqueakSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAK—_

Anthony, Sherry, and Brad careen back down the ludicrously steep road on their out-of-control trike.

"EEEEEEEEEK!" Sherry screams dramatically, clinging to Anthony's chest. Brad wakes up for a split second and joins in the screaming, his pitch just as high as Sherry's.

Anthony squeezes his eyes shut as they zoom backwards down the hill at blinding speeds into the night. "I REGRET NOTHING!" he yells in defiance. The bike crashes violently.

The others, at the top of the hill, all look around as the sound of shearing metal and cries of pain in the night.

Chris exhales and loads his gun. "Everybody ready?"

The others, all bearing black eyes and bruises, nod enthusiastically and ready their weapons. The bus station awaits...

**(elsewhere)**

"Sing 'Old Gray Mare' again!" Lilly screams as the red wagon bumps steadily along the road.

"No sing 'Old McDonald!" Lott frantically cries, pulling her hair. Lilly pimp smacks him.

"Both of you shut your little mouths!" Vincent snaps. The two kids shut up quick. Vincent straightens the collar of his expensive white longcoat and clears his throat. "I'll sing whatever I want and I'm going to sing 'Voi che sapete che cosa e amor, from 'Le nozze di Figaro: Act II'." He clears his throat and begins to softly sing the first note.

"Shaddap," Bruce mumbles, shooting him in the knee.

"GAAAAAAAAAH!" Vincent screams, clutching his leg. "YOU BARBARIAN!" he cries. "HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT ME!"

Bruce just grunts and belches, then blows it in his face.

Vincent just stares blankly. "...You probably think that's 'cool'."

Meanwhile, Fong is still asleep. Lilly and Lott start drawing mustaches and whatnot on her face with black sharpies that they randomly found.

Ark just continues walking, his haunted eyes slowly taking on a more and more worried look as the trip drags on.

**(and ELSEwhere...)**

Nemesis sighs and hungrily rubs his tummy, licking his teeth as he imagines a big juicy meat sandwich and some lemonade. He, Marcus, and Morpheus sit atop a slowly spinning, floating tire out in the middle of the sea. It was a lucky find, and it even appeared that the tire may or may not be heading towards land of some sort. Maybe.

"Incoming message!" Morpheus shouts. Nemesis and Marcus jump, quickly turning to look at the tiny handheld communicator that the weird female tyrant man thing holds.

All three of them peer intently at the small screen. It flickers and blinks, and then Alexia's glaringly angry face abruptly pops up onto it. The three edge back uneasily, wincing at her twitching eye and bulging forehead vein.

"Uh...yes...ma'am?" Marcus begins cautiously.

Alexia's expression seems to soften as an eerily pleasant smile crosses her full red lips. But that does not begin to put even an ounce of reassurance into the sea-bound trio. In fact, they begin to grow even more frightened.

The scarily beautiful woman tilts her head just slightly and narrows her eyes as the smile widens. "I was just calling to inform the three of you that you're a bunch of worthless f(beep)ing a(beep)oles."

Nemesis sniffles, and then begins crying like a baby.

"Aw you've made Nemmy cry!" Marcus grumps, sighing.

"Well he's a big crybaby who can't do anything right!" Alexia snaps.

Nemesis immediately stops crying and begins angrily barking at her like a rabid dog.

Alexia just grits her teeth. "GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!" she yells at the screen. She then reaches off camera and pulls a stunned-looking Alfred into view, slapping him.

Nemesis sighs and rubs his eyes. "Starrrs," he grumbles. "Staaaars."

"Yes I know," Alexia replies with a stress-filled sigh. "I've sent claw guy to assist you three. Make good use of him, and TRACK DOWN THOSE INFIDELS!" she orders. She then pauses to take a swig of beer. Then, as if suddenly remembering something, she looks at the screen again. "AND DESTROY THEM TOO!" Upon having said this, she belches loudly. "Oh f(bleep)k."

The screen goes blank.

Morpheus sighs. "Well, it seems that our orders are clear. Still."

"Indeed," Marcus agrees. He softly pets one of his leeches. "But I wonder, how will the Garrador help us? What we NEED is a new BOAT." The group is silent for a moment.

Nemesis pipes up. "Starss. Staaars stars."

Marcus raises an eyebrow. "Good point, Nemesis. How WILL Garrador get here?"

All of a sudden, two insect-like novistadors carrying claw guy (garrador) come buzzing in from the distance. Garrador kicks and flails, squealing in defiance. The trio on their tire slowly look upwards in unison, watching the huge clawed mask-wearing man-monster.

And then the novistadors drop him. The trio below widen their eyes in shock as a shadow grows. "YEAAAAAAAARGH!" Garrador screams, falling like a rock. Marcus and Morpheus scoot aside on the tire. Garrador hits the hardened rubber with a sickening 'thud' before immediately sliding into the water.

Nemesis sighs and starts crying again.

**(and in other news)**

"LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE---OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO----N! HEEEE—EEEEE---EEEYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGHHHH!" Ashley's French death metal scream blasts across the battlefield as she slams a chord on her guitar. The amplifier blows out, billowing smoke as the speaker cover hits Krauser in the head and knocks him over. A loud squeal of feedback slowly fades away as Steve kicks over his drums, getting his foot stuck in the process.

"GUYS!" Leon shouts, "It's over."

Ashley blinks several times at him. "It is? Oh!" She quickly rubs away the eyeliner and ruffles her hair until it returns to its original form. "Leon I'm so glad you saved me!" She bounds over and glomps Leon, squealing like a speed-laden fangirl. Leon just sighs and pats her head.

Meanwhile, Claire and Ada nod at each other while standing amongst the wreckage of hundreds of destroyed robots.

"We bad," Claire notes aloud.

"YEA we bad!" Ada agrees enthusiastically.

"YEAH!" Claire answers, slapping Ada hard on the ass. The asian double-agent's eyes widen in shock, and she simply stares at Claire. "Uh," Claire stutters for a moment. "Good game?" she adds. Ada nods approvingly and smiles.

Luis is pole-dancing with a cactus.

Suddenly, Krauser jumps up. "This isn't over, Leon!"

"Yes it is," Leon sighs in exasperation.

Krauser furrows his brow, pouting. "Is NOT!"

"It SO is!" Leon retorts, weaving his head intimidating.

Krauser's pout softens. "...Really?"

Leon nods. "Uh huh."

Krauser makes a pissed-off five-year-old grunt and stomps his foot. "Aw man..." He looks down at the ground, dejected.

"PSYCHE!" Leon cries, running over suddenly and kicking him right in the groin.

"AAAARGHHH!" Krauser screams, grabbing his crotch and falling to his knees, and then onto his face. For the second time that day.

Leon leaps up and punches the air enthusiastically, grinning hard. "YEAH! WOO! Take THAT, bitch!" He throws up the horns and ardently pumps them over his head as he chants. "U.S.A! U.S.A!"

Meanwhile, some guy walks up to Claire. Kamesen is with him.

"Hey," Kamesen announces. "This guy had a request for the story." He nods to the guy, who steps forward.

"My name is Sam, I'm very sexy, and would glomp Claire if I got the chance," the guy says.

Claire just stares at him. Several moments pass as Ada looks back and forth between the two in anticipation. Sam steps forward unceremoniously and hops onto Claire in the form of a glomp. Claire wavers a bit, with the sudden weight wrapped around her. Her brow furrows slightly in a worried expression.

Kamesen checks his watch and sighs, squinting out at the sun. Leon is still marching around, singing 'I'm a real American' in an annoyingly loud voice as Krauser just lays on the ground crying. Steve hops around, and falls over as he tries to get the drum off of his foot. Ashley puts on some cat ears and paws at the tumbleweed she'd made before.

Sam lets go of Claire and hops down, ending the glomp. He nods to Kamesen, and then leaves.

Kamesen claps his hands together once, holding them. "OK!" he says, rubbing his hands together now. "You guys can uh...keep on with your mission. Good uh...good luck." He sucks in a breath as he turns to leave, giving everyone a quick nod before he walks off into the sunset.

Claire just stares after him for a full minute. Then, emotionlessly, she turns and walks off towards Leon. Ada stands there for a moment, shrugs, then follows. They gather up Luis and Ashley, and all head off towards the coast.

Hours pass. Krauser just lays there in the sand, mumbling obscenities. "This...isn't...done...yet...Leon..."

A wombat shambles over to him, takes a poo right next to his face, and then waddles off.

Krauser starts crying.

**(and back to our main group...)**

Chris Redfield and Jill Valentine are one with the nighttime shadows as they creep alongside the side of the building, keeping flat to the wall. The abandoned bus station whispers hauntingly to them as a stale breeze blows through it, carrying the scent of long-dead grass and dusty gravel. The two come to a stop by a corner of the building, and Chris raises a cupped hand to his mouth.

"Krrshk...Barry, come in. Over.

Just around the corner, Barry and Billy are flattened against the other wall. Barry's eyes widen as he hears Chris's "transmission". He turns to Billy. "It's Chris!" Barry whispers excitedly. Billy just rolls his eyes. Barry turns back, furrowing his brow in hard concentration. He carefully brings a cupped hand up to his mouth, eyes peeping left and right as if he felt he were being watched. "...Krrsshweeeewwwkrrsh...Chris! This is Barry! All clear over here. Over."

Chris nods, giving a thumbs-up to Jill, who just nods and flashes a patronizing smile. Chris then cups his mouth again. "Krrshhhhsht! Good job, Barry! Over."

Barry grins, barely containing excited laughter. "Krrsht! Thanks, Chris! Isn't this cool? Over!" Billy turns to glare at him in disbelief, mouthing 'what the hell'.

Chris grins as well. "Krssht! Yeah this is totally- OW!" He is cut off by a swat to the back of the head from Jill. Sighing, the Redfield sags his shoulders in defeat and walks around the corner. "Ok ok, let's get this over with."

Barry shrugs and follows him, along with Billy and Jill. Chris's expression takes on a serious, determined look of grim intensity. He makes a few random hand gestures, pointing this way and that as they walk. The other three glance at each other in wide-eyed confusion, and then just start meandering off into the shadowy recesses of the massive bus station.

A dark green plant tentacle slithers into the darkness... (insert ominous/creepy music)

Meanwhile, Rebecca and the Birkins are hauling Anthony and Brad up the hill. Annette and William carry an (again) unconscious Brad Vickers, while Rebecca helps Anthony along by draping one of his arms over her slender shoulders. Sherry decides to help push from the rear, despite Anthony's weakened, lethargic attempts to swat her away.

Finally, they too make it to the station. The Birkin adults dump Brad unceremoniously in a corner of one of the lounges and then huddle together in an opposite corner to discuss theoretical molecular recombination.

Rebecca carefully eases Anthony down onto a lightly padded bench, frowning in sympathy as he does his best to cover up a wince that blanches across his face. "Ow..." he mutters.

"Jeez, you really took a harsh spill. It's a good thing that you were there to break Brad and Sherry's fall, or else they'd be hurt too. Oh, and also your spine cushioned the bike from damage, which uh...saved the bike too," Rebecca notes, kneeling beside the bench. Anthony just stares disbelievingly up at the ceiling, then closes his eyes tightly and mutters something under his breath. Rebecca frowns, then the corners of her lips turn up in a sympathetic smile. "Where does it hurt?" she asks softly, smoothing his ruffled hair aside.

(hey have you guys seen that one Indiana Jones movie lol)

Anthony blows out a tired exhale, a wry expression crossing his face as he points to his forehead. "Here," he mutters.

Rebecca blinks once, her eyes watching his face for a moment before she leans in... and softly kisses his forehead, her lips pressing tenderly against the bruise and making the deftest of parting sounds as she moves away again slowly, watching his eyes. Anthony stares quietly at her, his own lips parting in subtle surprise. She smiles again. "Where else does it hurt?" she asks, her voice barely a whisper.

Sherry looks up from her coloring book, and breaks her crayon in half as her bottom jaw falls open in utter bewilderment and rage at the sight.

Anthony slowly reaches up with his hand, touching a small cut on his cheek. "...Here," he repeats, his dry throat adding a mannishly sexy rasp to his voice. Rebecca leans in again, their eyes locked until they pass each other and she closes them as her lips part to deliver another tender, slightly longer kiss to Anthony's cheek. They share a momentary stare once more before Anthony then points to a cut on his lower lip. "...Here..." The tip of Rebecca's tongue slips out at the corner of her mouth, sliding along the edges of her lips and leaving a feint glisten as her hand nervously clasps the fabric of her pants, butterflies fluttering madly in her stomach. Her supple mouth parts again as she exhales faintly, feeling the tingling flutter in the pit of her stomach climb as she begins to lean in... His deep blue eyes cradle her warmly, his lips awaiting hers with unyielding tenderness. Their light, anxious breaths mingle as Rebecca draws closer, stifling a gasp as she feels his gentle hand cup the side of her face. She tilts her head and closes the distance-

"STOP THAT!" a young girl's voice explodes over several loudspeakers. Anthony and Rebecca jump, looking around the wide lounge in embarrassed bewilderment. "_STOP_ THAT!" the voice repeats, more fervently. Finally, they see Sherry Birkin standing on top of the ticket counter, holding the announcement microphone in her hand. She looks PISSED.

After simply huffing and glaring for a few moments, Sherry grips the microphone more firmly. "THIS SAPPY-MOOD-FANSERVICE BREAKING MOMENT IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY SHERRY ELIZABETH BIRKIN!" she announces proudly. "YOU BASTARDS!"

"Oh look!" Annette says with an amused smile. "Sherry's putting on a little show! Isn't that adorable, William?"

William looks up from his notes. "Mm, yes. Amazing," he mumbles blandly. "Now, help me decipher this DNA coding for the Q-virus."

Rebecca and Anthony slowly look at each other, blush a deeper shade, and then look back to Sherry with very worried expressions.

The twelve-year-old takes a deep breath, and suddenly music start blasting out of the speakers...somehow. Sherry breaks into enraged singing. "WITH KARATE I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!" she sings as she points at Rebecca, "FROM HERE TO TIANANMEN SQUARE! OH YEAH MUTHA F(beep)AH, I'M GONNA KICK YA F(beep)IN' DAIRYAIRE YEAH-EE-YEA-HA!" Sherry winces in anguish, holding up a clenched fist. "YA BROKE THE RULES! AND NOW I'LL PULL OUT ALL YOUR PU-"

"_**RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHH!"**_

Sherry drops the mic with a blaring ring of feedback as the monstrous roar shakes the room. Everyone looks upward as plaster and dust filters down from the ceiling.

"What on earth was THAT!" Annette wonders aloud.

William swallows hard. "Judging by what the female merchant had informed us of before, and by the sheer depth of that roar, I'd say it's a gigantic mutated plant monster."

Things don't look so happy right now.

_

* * *

Yo! How's it going? I hope that you all enjoyed this latest chapter. Sorry if it dragged at a few points. Rough night. But I'll do my best to entertain!_

_It looks like our heroes are in even more trouble! Will plant-42 devour their bodies like...like bodies? Or will they somehow escape? Will Nemesis and his crew EVER see dry land? Will Alexia ever stop slapping her brother for no reason? Will Ark have to bear the burden of that wagon forever? Will Leon ever realize how lucky he is to be traveling with three hot babes? What of Carlos and co.? What of WESKER? Holy crap. I guess we'll have to wait and see!_

_And in regards to the female merchant...yes, it was Wesker Chick! She's going to kill me! (big scared smile) Anyways, everyone who guessed got it right. But since sylphstarwind guessed first, she wins! (gives her a cookie) CONGRATULATIONS!_

_As always, thank you all VERY much for reading, and for your awesome reviews! I will do my best to please. Your continued support makes me a happy person:) I thank you. Look forward to the next edition of 'Resident Evil: Super Quest'! See ya then!_


	17. Things That Start With 'P'

_All 'Resident Evil' characters © Capcom  
__Anyone else © whoever owns them_

**  
Chapter Sixteen: Things That Start With 'P'**

"You go in."

"YOU go."

"You."

"YOU."

"_FINE._"

Chris kicks the door open with vicious bravado, bringing his gun to bear as he enters. "GAAAAAH!" he screams, his bloodcurdling cry carrying through the halls of the bus station. Jill and Barry cringe in horror, throwing each other shocked expressions.

"Maybe I shouldn't have told him to go," Jill laments, nervously fondling her 9mm. Barry nods solemnly, and takes a drink from his water pistol. Jill worriedly glances at the darkened bathroom doorway. "YOU OK IN THERE, CHRIS?" she screams.

"IT SMELLS LIKE POO IN HERE!" Chris yells back. A few moments later, he stumbles out of the bathroom, waving a lit match and looking like he's just sucked on a rotten lemon. "For the love of...GAAH...EW.. Smells like...carrots in throwup!" Chris plants a hand against the hallway wall, doubling over and making dryheaving noises. "Huuaa...HUAAA-A-A-AAeeeeegh! HUAAAH..." Jill frowns in concern and pats his back.

"But you're good to go now?" she asks timidly.

Chris stands upright immediately, brushing himself off as if nothing had happened. "Yeah, I peed. It was good."

Barry nods several times in a row. "A-ok! Let's saddle up and go find out what that huge monstrous roar was!"

"Wait a minute!" Chris barks suddenly. His face softens to a confused expression as he looks from side to side. "...Where's Billy?"

A moment of silence passes. Jill takes a deep breath and gives a wide-eyed 'I don't know!' look, complete with exaggerated, open-mouthed frown.

**(nearby)**

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Annette cries, before popping another weird painkiller/stimulant into her mouth for no reason.

William slaps her.

Rebecca is thoroughly checking Anthony over for any other injuries, while Sherry watches from a slight distance and growls when the young medic appears to be getting a bit too frisky.

Brad's still unconscious. Actually, he did wake up for a moment but then Plant42 roared again and he fainted.

Anthony obediently lays on his back, remaining still as Rebecca lifts his arm, drops it, lifts it again, drops it again, and makes a few notes in her medical journal while glaring in stern concentration. "What about you?" Anthony asks, glancing at Rebecca.

"Huh?" the young field medic gawks, looking up from her notes, which are actually a jumble of tic-tac-toe games and doodles of stick figures with hearts between them.

Anthony props himself up on one elbow, smiling softly. "Do you have any injuries? I should give you a look-over."

Rebecca blushes like a cherry blossom (DAWW AIN'T THAT KEE-YUTE) and rubs the back of her head. "Oh, I'm fine!" she insists.

"Really? What about...here?" Anthony sits up and pokes Rebecca's sides with his index fingers. She giggles and swats his hands away playfully. Anthony chuckles and starts tickling her. Rebecca breaks into a fit of giggling as she tries to fight him off.

"HEY!" Sherry screams, interrupting them. "If you two FRUITCAKES are done playing DOCTOR, then I suggest we get a MOVE ON."

Rebecca sighs, and is about to reply when Billy shows up all of a sudden. "Billy!" she exclaims. "What are YOU doing here? And did you guys find out what made that awful noise?"

The muscled ex-marine shrugs. "I dunno. I was just uh...coming here to uh..." he looks around the lounge. "SHERRY! I was here to see Sherry." To everyone's shock, Billy runs over and scoops the twelve-year-old up in his arms. "Hey honey."

"Oh my g-.." Rebecca can't even finish the sentence.

"Whoa..." Anthony comments simply, looking traumatized.

Sherry seems surprised as well. "Uh, hi..."

"Hi there sweetie," Billy coos, grinning smugly. He then sets Sherry down and pats her head as he leans towards Rebecca. "Jealous? Huh? Little envy there? Hmm? Feeling a little green, are we?"

"Not...really..." Rebecca replies, still in shock at Billy's outrageous actions.

William is up in Billy's face in an instant, huffing and puffing angrily. "Stay...away...from...my...daughter," he growls.

Billy furrows his brow. "Pff...what are YOU gonna do about it?"

In a split second, William suddenly transforms into his hulking stage 2 g-type mutant form.

Billy stares at him with wide eyes for one full moment, and then lets out a shrill, girlish scream.

(Horrible violence ensues.)

**(MEANWHILE, ELSEWHERE)**

Lily and Lott have resorted to sticking the magic markers up Fong's nose. She's still asleep. Bruce is wagon-sick and puking out the side. Vincent is writing in his journal and reading aloud as he scrawls each word furiously.

"Dear Diary...still on this stupid wagon, with these STUPID people!" Then, in a lower voice as he huddles closer to his paper and peers around nervously, "Farted twice on the way down that last hill. I think I have to poo but I don't want to make a fuss about it. Someone will laugh at me, undoubtedly…" Vincent straightens up then, raising his voice once more. "And also, everyone on this wagon is a big fat dummyhead!"

The others regard him with dull stares and annoyed facial expressions. Bruce nods towards Vincent. "Do somethin' about it."

"YOU do something!" Vincent retorts angrily.

Bruce sits up in the wagon, setting his jaw. "YOU."

"FINE." Vincent throws his diary out of the wagon. Ark trips on it and falls backwards into the wagon. The entire group screams their heads off as the wagon careens down the hill and then up another hill. Their cries of horror echo across the ravine below as the wagon flies into the open air, soars in a stomach-churning arc, and then plummets…

**(meanwhile… … …………………………………………………..!...)**

Everyone is walking behind Leon. He's doing some kind of pimp walk which looks really odd out in the middle of the desert. The order is: Leon, Claire, Ada, Ashley, Steve, Luis (still with the duct tape across his mouth).

"Uh, 'SCUSE me," Ashley blurts, pushing her way past the other two women. They stumble aside and toss her angry looks as she prances to the front and takes the spot after Leon. Then, smiling brightly, she skips and hops merrily behind the special agent.

"As IF," Claire growls, shoving Ashley out of the way. The blonde is flung aside with a squeal of surprise. Claire hooks her thumbs into the belt loops of her shorts and lets her shoulders sag as she marches lethargically behind Leon.

"Don't think so," Ada mumbles, ducking low and popping up between Claire's legs, standing up abruptly then and dumping her behind. Claire shrieks in surprised rage, collapsing to the sand as Ada takes her place with a seductive strut.

"Out of my way!" Steve squeaks, plowing through the ladies until HE is behind Leon. Steve then mimics Leon's pimp walk with surprising accuracy.

"MMMHH! MMM!" Luis staggers forward, but he falls off a cliff.

Leon finally turns around to see what all the fuss is about. He sees everyone squabbling amongst themselves. "Alright guys, ALRIGHT! Come on now, SETTLE DOWN!" Everyone stops fighting and watches Leon. "How are we going to decide who gets to walk behind me?"

Kamesen is there suddenly, staring at the group with a bland expression on his face as he crams his hands into his pockets. "…Underwear pillow fight. Claire and Ashley. Go."

Ashley and Claire blush furiously, glance at each other, and then quickly look away. "I don't think that's going to be necessary," Claire notes aloud.

"Oh I think it is," Kamesen argues. "Remember, this is for Resident Evil 5."

A few awkward moments pass. Steve is gasping like an early nineties schoolgirl at a New Kids On The Block concert and clapping retardedly. "Steve, you can't watch." Steve slowly stops clapping, and lowers his head with a dejected 'awww' before turning around.

Claire and Ashley both sigh and realize that the author has awesome powers over their actions. They begin to strip their clothing off-

**(LOL, MEANWHILE)**

"Uuuhn…" Wesker groans, opening his eyes halfway. "Mrs. Butterworth?" he stutters. The room is very blurry in front of him. He can't move his arms. Struggling weakly, Wesker realizes that he is tied to a bed by his wrists and ankles. The only thing he's wearing are his prized Mickey Mouse boxers.

He struggles a bit more frantically as he comes to this horrid realization. And then the memories start flooding back. He'd been escorting Alpha Team to Japan in order to purchase Resident Evil 5… The bus had crashed…somehow… And then…walking…walking…finding an abandoned…thing…getting knocked out…somehow… Wesker Chick… WESKER CHICK?

Wesker's struggles become violent in nature. "MUST…ESCAPE," he frantically grunts, out loud for some reason. As he futilely flails and writhes, Wesker's paranoid eyes glance from left to right, noting signature items around the room. Metal hand restraints on the wall. S&M gear slung over a bondage chair. A bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's Homestyle Butterscotch syrup on the nightstand.

Footsteps sound outside the doorway.

Wesker freezes for a moment, heart pounding. Silence now. He lets out the breath he was holding-

_BAM! _Wesker Chick kicks down the door for some reason! She is grinning ear-to-ear, and her eyes hold a psychotic excitement that rivals Annette's painkiller-induced crazy gaze from RE2.

"HONEY!" Wesker Chick yells, brandishing a pair of pancake tongs (what the hell?) in one hand and a bowl of batter in the other, "I'M HOOO-OOOME!"

Wesker faints.

**(oh dear. Um, anyway…elsewhere…)**

Jill pulls back the slide on her 9mm and lets it go, chambering a round. "One for the money…"

Chris whirls his gun several times before grabbing the butt (hehe…'butt') and smirking. "Two for the show…"

Barry just stares off at nothing for a moment, lapping at a tiny stream of water from his water pistol. "…Three to get ready…" he notes aloud.

Billy hobbles up on crutches, severely beaten to crap. "Fuh…four…to g-…g-…go." He stumbles past the others and collapses against a nearby door, knocking it down.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAARH!" something screams! Good heavens!

Jill, Chris, and Barry peek into the room from various angles through the doorway as Billy just lays there on the floor. The room that they are staring into is quite large, with a high ceiling and a fireplace even. In the center of this giant room…is a giant plant! And on that giant plant…is a giant mouth!

Barry glares in horror. "…and if you give the giant plant a giant cookie…he will ask for a giant milk!"

Chris and Jill try their best to ignore Barry; instead concentrating on shooting the plant. It growls and belches as 9mm bullets slam into its huge…green…plant body thing. Billy just sort of lays there and tries not to get eaten.

Within moments, it is obvious that the giant plant is impervious to bullets, mostly. It's just really pissed off now.

"DAMN it!" Chris yells, reloading as he ducks under a large vine that strikes at him. "We're knee deep in plant fodder if we can't beat this thing!"

Jill quickly ducks as well, reaching up only to grab her beret, which is comically spinning around in the air where her head used to be. She reloads as well and throws a glance to Chris. "Why are we even FIGHTING this thing?" she asks.

Chris rolls his eyes in exasperation. "Jeez, Jill, come on! The buses are OBVIOUSLY on the other side of this giant-ass plant! We HAVE to fight it! DUU-_UU-_UUH!"

Jill just pouts like a five-year-old and returns to shooting at the plant. But she freezes in horror as she sees what is happening now. "BARRY NO!"

Barry, incoherently screaming the names of random Smurfs/Dwarves, is running forward to face the plant one-on-one.

Chris falls to his knees, throwing both arms out helplessly. "BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRYYYYYYYYYYYYY!1111"

"RAAAH!" Barry yells, glomping the plant and administering a mighty 'CHOMP!'

"OWWIE!" the plant screams. Then, with a gut-wrenching monstrous bellow, it slams onto the floor, dead.

Then it disintegrates in like half a second.

Barry sits up, and belches. "LOOK at those MONSTERS," he mumbles. Jill and Chris run up to him. Even Billy manages to hobble over.

"Dude, like…what the hell just happened?" Billy asks.

Barry, still sitting, turns his head to look at the ex-marine. "Dude, like…I totally don't know."

"I think _I _can explain," a voice says.

With a collective gasp of shock/wonder, the group jumps up and spins around to face none other than WILLIAM BIRKIN (who has de-transformed back into a regular human, and is wearing is lab outfit again somehow.) Billy whimpers and hides behind Jill.

No one talks for a couple of moments.

Chris finally clears his throat. "Ok, so uh…explain away."

William blinks in momentary confusion. "Oh, uh…right. Ok. Like uh…hang on, lemme see that." He walks over and reaches for Barry's water pistol. The bearded S.T.A.R.S. member scowls like an angry child and lets out a sharp, tight-lipped 'MM_MMN!_' of disapproval. William just rolls his eyes and opts to take a sample of the destroyed Plant 42's remains instead.

Meanwhile, Annette runs into the room with Brad on her back. She dumps the unconscious man onto the floor, slams her foot into his ribs a few times, shouts at him, throws a bottle at him, and then stalks viciously over to the other side of the room in a violent huff.

Rebecca and Anthony walk in then, chatting quietly to one another and chuckling every so often. Sherry walks in right after them, fuming. She makes an unintelligible jealous/enraged noise at Anthony and Rebecca, goes over to Brad, kicks the unconscious man in the ribs a few times, hits him with a notebook, sticks thumbtacks in his pockets, beats him with a wiffle bat, and then stalks viciously over to where Annette is and paces angrily around that side of the room.

Anthony and Rebecca share a moment of awkward silence at the odd scene, and then continue chatting.

"OK ok ok check it," William says, still talking strangely out of character for some reason. He holds up two test tubes. "These…are test tubes," he announces bluntly.

"WHOA!" Chris screams. "WHOA." He jumps up from where he and Jill were playing tiddlywinks to pass the time. "No WAY, man! No _WAY_, MAN! That's…that's frigging CRAZY!" The young ex-pilot grabs the sides of his head, walking in circles. "I don't believe it! TEST TUBES? _REALLY? **GET OUT.**_"

William does not look amused. "Yes, test tubes. And they're filled with Diet Juvi Juice and dead plant cells."

Everyone just sort of stares at the scientist. Annette is too busy cursing and kicking the wall randomly to cheer and applaud her husband's discovery.

William clears his throat again. "Yes, well…anyway, it seems that Plant 42 is toxically allergic to Diet Juvi juice. And since Barry has obviously been drinking that juice out of his gun, he transferred the substance to the plant when he bit it."

Jill blinks in bewilderment. "How do you KNOW all this?" she asks.

"AHA!" Rebecca screams suddenly, making everyone jump. She'd been listening in… Now, she stalks towards William with a triumphant smirk. "It's because…HE'S A TRAITOR!" With a quick motion, she grabs the man's face and pulls. It comes off like a mask, revealing monster Birkin's face beneath. Monster Birkin growls demonically, and Rebecca releases a high-pitched scream of terror. She quickly replaces the man's face and backs away.

William sighs in annoyance. "No, I'm not a traitor, you retard. I'm simply…a GENIUS." He pauses for a moment to pose heroically.

Anthony claps three times and then abruptly stops. "Alright, awesome. Let's get our gear together and get to the buses." He starts for the door behind where Plant 42 had been, but Chris stops him.

"You're not the boss; I am," Chris states firmly. Anthony shrugs and nods. A few moments pass as Chris surveys the team. "…….Ok, let's get to the buses...with the gear and stuff." Everyone springs lethargically into action.

William coaxes the ranting Annette towards the door with a shiny new bottle of painkillers. Chris and Jill headbutt each other, exchange enthusiastic heavy-metal screams, and head for the door as well. Barry slings Brad over one shoulder and makes his way towards the exit too, with Billy hobbling behind and grumbling quietly. Rebecca and Anthony trail behind, chatting once more and exchanging goofy faces and chuckles. Sherry stomps along behind the two, setting her jaw in frustration and growling the whole way.

Beyond them lay beautiful buses of freedom…

**(and now the loose ends of the chapter)**

"Alexiaaa," Alfred groans, digging his finger out of an empty jar of peanut butter. "We're out of peanut butteeerrr!" He frowns as his sister shoots him a psychotic scowl.

"ALFRED!" she screams. "ADDRESS YOUR MORTAL CONCERNS TO SOMEONE WHO GIVES A DAMN."

Alfred throws the empty container down in a fit, and stomps away from his dinky little throne. He pauses at the bottom of the steps, and turns to glare at his sister. "It USED to be about the _MUSIC._" Alfred seethes. With that, he spins on his heel and stalks out of the chamber.

Alexia just growls with her mouth open and grabs at the air in a primal fashion.

**(elsewhere…)**

"We'll NEVER get out of this stupid ocean!" Morpheus cries.

"Oh DO shut up," Marcus pleads, rolling his eyes.

Nemesis just belches and then waves the air in disgust.

Suddenly, the three of them turn and notice something in the water nearby. It's…IT's…_IT'S…_

**(A CLIFFHANGAR! Lol. Meanwhile…)**

"We'll NEVER get out of this stupid jungle!" Mikhail whines.

"Shut your el moutho!" Carlos grunts, picking his nose.

Hunk just takes a drag of his cigarette and blows the smoke out of his nostrils. Then he ducks to avoid another pot shot from Nikolai.

Suddenly, the three of them turn and notice something in the trees nearby. It's…IT'S…_IT'S…_

**(ANOTHER CLIFFHANGAR! LOL!)

* * *

**

_Alright! Thank you all very much for reading, and thanks a lot to those who reviewed as well! I love reading your reviews; and I am always open to constructive criticism and especially to suggestions! Speaking of suggestions… Got any ideas for new vehicles? Namely, what do you think Carlos & co. /Nemmy & crew found? A submarine? A jeep? YOU decide! This should be fun._

_In the meantime, what will happen to the main group? After defeating Plant 42, they seem to have found more buses with which to transport themselves! Hoorah! But one-sided tensions are rising fast between Sherry, Anthony and Rebecca! Does anyone else in the group even care? What about Ark and the gang? Holy crap. Find out next time, on 'RESIDENT EVIL: SUPER QUEST'! Oh and also find out what happens to Leon and co., with the underwear pillowfight and whatnot, blah blah. AND WESKER! POOR, POOR, LUCKY WESKER._

_p.s: sorry for the long wait. Absence makes the heart grow fonder! ((nervous chuckle))_


	18. Sweet New Ride

_All 'Resident Evil' characters © Capcom  
Anyone/thing else © whoever owns them/it_

**Chapter 17: Sweet New Ride**

Christopher F. Redfield stands in the doorway of the bus station's spacious garage and blinks. Once, twice, three times. He cocks his head slightly, and begins to drool. "I...I can't remember...what I was doing..." the Alpha team leader (Wesker is still uh…tied up) whispers musically.

"Gee," Jill Valentine snaps, "I wonder if it's because a certain AUTHOR named KAMESEN hasn't UPDATED this STORY in _MONTHS." _The blue-eyed badass female cop spins around, facing the others in the group. "HUH!? DO YA THINK THAT MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT?!" Barry (carrying Brad), William and Annette, Billy, Rebecca, Anthony, and Sherry just stare uncomfortably at her.

"OK ok ok," Chris calls out, settling everyone down. "The reason we're here is that we must find a way to reach Japan in time to buy 'Resident Evil 5'." Everyone nods in agreement. "Good," Chris finishes, with an extra firm nod of his own. He then turns and kicks down the door to the garage even though it's already open.

Before the team rests a brand new yellow school bus.

Billy lets out a laugh which quickly dies out as he looks around at everyone else.

Rebecca lets out something between a whimper and a chuckle.

Brad regains consciousness for two seconds, sees the schoolbus, and faints again to Barry's dismay.

"I am NOT riding on that thing!" Annette proclaims loudly, earning a backhanded slap across the face from William.

Chris takes a deep breath. "Alright ALRIGHT alright alright alright. Alright." He calms everyone down again. "We have no choice. This bus is watertight and lightweight. It's got everything we need to finish this journey. Now let's DO it!" he cries.

Everyone just sort of half-raises a fist into the air and groans their hesitant approval before piling onto the bus.

Barry dumps Brad into the back left seat and then plops down in the adjacent one. Billy (still rather banged up from getting the living daylights beaten out of him by William after hitting on Sherry (see previous chapters)) hobbles near the back of the bus and takes a seat.

Chris bravely takes the driver's seat, and Jill determinedly stands next to him, glaring out the windshield as if they were flying down the highway at 80 miles per hour. William and Annette grab a middle seat, Annette arguing the design flaws of a school bus's framework while William plugs his ears and loudly sings 'The Little Mermaid' theme songs in monotone.

Anthony and Rebecca take a seat together up front, quietly talking. Suddenly, Anthony looks down to see Sherry sitting in his lap. "What are you doing," he demands, exasperated. Sherry turns to face him. "That'll be five dollars," she counter-demands. Anthony grimaces in confusion and discomfort. "Get offa me!" he yells. Sherry juts her lower jaw out, scowling as she shuffles out of the seat and stomps towards the back of the bus.

"All abooooAAAARD!" Chris calls out, tooting an imaginary whistle. He starts the bus, and Alpha team (and co.) heads out into the night...

ooo

Carlos Oliviera stares quietly at the two 'Power Wheels' jeeps sitting pristinely in the jungle clearing.

"No," Hunk remarks simply. "Just no." He starts walking away. Mikhail stays with Carlos.

A few minutes later, Hunk is walking along the treeline when he hears the sound of tiny electric motors in the distance. Turning around, (and also ducking under another of Nikolai's sniper shots, earning a 'DANG IT!!' from the distance), Hunk sees Carlos and Mikhail zooming steadily along the grass in their Power Wheels jeeps.

"I don't believe this," Hunk mutters, lighting up a cigarette as Carlos and Mikhail rumble on over to him and come to a stop next to the black-clad man. Both men are sitting with their knees practically drawn up to their chests, crammed into the tiny children's toys. Mikhail gives his jeep's horn a honk. 'meep meep!' the horn sounds. Mikhail chuckles in amusement. Hunk rubs the bridge of his nose in silent misery.

"Come on, Hunk!" Carlos begs. "Get in! It sure beats walking, amigo."

After a few hours of cursing, pacing, muttering, and cigarette smoking, Hunk finally gives in. "Alright, fine. But there's no room for two in those things. Mikhail, you're riding on the hood."

ooo

Claire and Ashley are just finishing putting their clothes on as we rejoin Leon's team.

"That was one..good..pillowfight," Leon affirms numbly, nodding his head as he stares, transfixed. Ada slaps the back of his head, frowning vilely. Leon hisses in pain and promptly decks her. (Jeez, I need to cut back on the woman-bashing. I swear, I never hit women in real life! Or make them fight each other with pillows in their underwear. …Yeesh, now that I think about it, I must sound like a shallow, chauvinistic bastard.)

Claire sighs heavily. "Ok Leon, now what." she groans.

Leon nods sharply. "Good question, Claire-ee-doo!" he shrieks. Everyone covers their ears, except Steve who is jumping up and down and clapping excitedly (and Ada, who is unconscious). Leon points toward the horizon. "And the answer is...we keep walking."

Steve immediately stops clapping/jumping. He resorts instead to weeping softly. Claire just sighs and takes a step forward, but stops as Ashley grabs her shoulder. "Wait a minute, Claire!" the blonde shouts. "Haven't we walked enough?! I DEMAND to be CARRIED!"

Everyone stares at Ashley for five whole minutes.

(soon)

Leon grunts lightly with effort as he walks along, Ashley in his arms and Ada slung over one shoulder (still unconscious). Claire walks beside him, trying to keep from laughing.

"HEEEeeeeyyyy!!" Steve whines, "I wanna be carried TOOOoooo!!"

Claire points at Leon and bursts out laughing, unable to control herself. Leon grits his teeth in frustration and shakes his head at the sky...

(soon)

Claire Redfield glares wretchedly as she carries a satisfied Steve Burnside in her arms. "Wheee! This is the life!" Steve howls, clinging to the young woman's neck.

"I swear I'm going to burn this whole place to the ground," Claire seethes under her breath, trying to block out the off-key tune that both Ashley and Steve are trying to whistle. It doesn't occur to her that they are still in a desert.

"Anything," Leon huffs, shutting his eyes in a wishful expression, "ANYTHING! PLEASE SEND US A VEHICLE-_OOF!!_"

Everyone tumbles to the ground in a heap. "Ow, my ass bone," Claire mutters, pushing herself up off of the gritty sand as she rubs her arm.

Surprisingly, the violent tumble has awakened Ada. The Asian spy rubs her head for a moment before squinting at the ground. "Train tracks," she mumbles, pointing with her other hand.

Sure enough, there is a small set of train tracks half-buried in the sand. Leon stands up, helping the others to their feet. "Well what the heck are they doing all the way out-" He is cut off by a shrill hoot.

Everyone turns to stare at the tiny purple choo-choo train that huffs along the tracks, approaching them slowly.

ooo

Nobody likes the Gun Survivor characters, so they're all dead now. Except Morpheus because he's with Nemmy & co.

ooo

"A WHALE!!" Marcus cries, pointing at the gargantuan mammal that bursts up through the ocean surface. On its back rides Sephiroth, a penguin, and a zombie elephant.

"Are we hallucinating?" Morpheus speculates, waving a hand in front of Nemesis's face. Nemesis simply tries to eat the hand.

"CLIMB ABOARD, YA SCURVY SEADOGS!!" Sephiroth shouts boldly.

"QUACK!" says the penguin, holding out a fin. Nemesis, Marcus, and Morpheus all climb onto the whale's back.

"Starrs...staaaars.." Nemesis grumbles, saluting Sephiroth and the penguin in thanks. Sephiroth salutes back and grabs hold of his penguin friend. Together, they climb the elephant Lord of the Rings style and take off into the air on the animal.

Nemesis and crew can only watch in awe and wonder.

"Well," Marcus says with a smile, "we're off to Japan then."

The whale gives a big honk of approval and promptly dives underwater, cutting off the horrified screams of its three passengers.

ooo

Meanwhile, Wesker is laying chained to the bed as we left him, sobbing. Who KNOWS what horrors Wesker Chick has exposed him to?! I don't want to know. But it probably has something to do with Wesker, pancake batter, a waffle iron, and Mrs. Butterworth's butterscotch syrup.

Anyway, Wesker's freaking out like no tomorrow. Wesker Chick is in the kitchen downstairs, humming to herself as she whips up more delicious recipes. Suddenly, Wesker breaks the entire floor in a fit of terror! The floor, the bed, and Wesker crash into the kitchen, directly in front of Wesker Chick.

"FREEDOM!!" Wesker cries, delirious. "HORRIBLE HORRIBLE FREEDOM!"

"WeskyyyYYYY!!" Wesker Chick scolds, starting for him. But before she can lay a hand on the blonde beautiful bioweapon, Wesker leaps away from the rubble and sprints for the door. "WESKYYYYYYY!!!!!!"

Albert Wesker, donning nothing but sunglasses and Mickey Mouse boxer shorts, dashes across Wesker Chick's front lawn and hops onto one of her hovercrafts parked in the driveway. Hotwiring it in a matter of nanoseconds (this man works FAST when he's terrified), Wesker zooms away with Wesker Chick hot in pursuit on her snowmobile.

* * *

_Author's note:  
First of all, I apologize for not having updated in four months. There are many reasons for this, ranging from my term in the Air Force ending to my art school classes starting to me getting a girlfriend (gee who'd have thought THAT would ever happen again?) Anyway, I'm sorry if I let anyone down. I really am very grateful to have all of you readers enjoying my story, and I'll do my best to continue bringing you new chapters!_

_SO! The story continues. Looks like everyone has found a new mode of transportation! (I tried to fit in all the suggestions as best I could; sorry if I couldn't meet all of your standards. I did my best!)_

_And the race to Japan goes on. Will the good guys grab Resident Evil 5 first? Or will the evil-doers intervene?! Does it even MATTER?! Why are they fighting over a game in the first place?! And what the heck are Saddler and the Ashfords doing?! _((Alfred clings to a chandelier, screaming for his life as Alexia laughs evilly and hurls fire at him from below. Saddler just watches, crying.))

_See what happens next time, on 'RESIDENT EVIL: SUPER QUEST!!' Please enjoy!_


	19. Not Your Mother's Survival Horror

_All 'Resident Evil' characters © Capcom_

_Anyone else © whoever owns them_

**Chapter Eighteen: Not Your Mother's Survival Horror**

The standard buzz of jungle life is gradually replaced by the buzz of small electric motors. Hunk and Carlos zip along steadily in their Power Wheels jeeps, both men crammed in awkwardly with their knees pulled up to their chests. Carlos glares ahead in grim determination, occasionally honking the plastic horn. Hunk, meanwhile, is wishing that this journey would end before his sanity does.

Mikhail is unconscious, tied to the hood of Hunk's jeep with an apple stuffed between his teeth for good measure.

"So...what's the deal here?" Hunk asks over his Power Wheels jeep radio. "Are we the good guys? The bad guys?"

"Beats me, compadre," Carlos answers. He pulls up next to Hunk, the wind blowing his long Spanish hair around wildly. "As a U.B.C.S. member, it is my duty to do whatever Umbrella says, become caught up in a mysterious and intriguing plot by them to take over the world, and eventually turn against them and be killed. All for the sake of finding Resident Evil 5."

Hunk stares at his companion as the two of them race along in their little jeeps. "...Wow. Ok." The two of them zip along in silence for a while.

"Alright," Hunk huffs, flicking his cigarette into the wind. "This is taking too long. Let's do this thing." He slams flips the nitro switch and his Power Wheels jeep charges forward in an explosion of power. Carlos blinks in astonishment, and then does the same.

Two minutes later, Nikolai comes running up all ganky-like, huffing and puffing and wheezing as he clutches his rifle. "DAMNYOU...KEEDS...HHHHH...HHHH..." He collapses to his knees and starts crying.

**ooo**

Chris glares out the windshield intensely, gripping the steering wheel of the school bus with white-knuckled fervor. Jill stands hunched beside him, glaring as well and singing chase-scene theme music to keep him pumped. "DUN-dundundnddundudndnudnu-DUN DUN-dudnudndudndun-DUN DUN DUN-"

Barry sits right behind them in his seat, clutching two huge cymbals and banging them together every time Jill's 'song' reaches a peak. He too is glaring intensely, his jaw set with determination. For whatever reason, he has decided to bring Brad along with him. The Alpha pilot is asleep, but is jolted awake every time Barry bangs the cymbals.

Billy is stretched out in the middle of the bus, taking up two seats. He has ganked Chris's Gameboy, and is now playing 'Super Mario World'. He is holding the Gameboy upside-down and having a hell of a time.

William is in the back, occupying a makeshift bathroom stall that has been fitted into the school bus. Annette stands right outside the stall door, with one hand on her hip and the other hand banging relentlessly against the door. "Will you hurry up in there, you nincompoop?! Annette has a runny nose!"

"SILENCE, HARLOT!" William retorts, banging on his side of the stall door as if that would shut her up. Secretly, he hasn't been using the bathroom at all. Instead, he's simply been writing out scientific equations in glow-in-the-dark magic marker all over the inside of the stall.

"_WHAT?!_" Annette shrieks in disbelief. "How DARE you call _me _a _harlot! _I have remained faithful to you for-...for..." she falters, glancing at the ceiling as she tries to remember.

"HAH!" William hoots. "You can't even remember how long we've been married!"

"Yeah well neither can you!" Annette yells back. "Now _COME OUT OF THERE!!_"

William huffs a few times and then puffs his cheeks. He sticks his tongue out, and makes a slow and heavy farting noise with his mouth, tightening his lips at the end to raise the pitch.

Annette slowly backs away from the door, staring in open-mouthed horror as her eyes narrow. "OoooHHHH!! WILLIAAAAAAAAM!!!" She spins away from the bathroom stall and stomps angrily up the bus isle, muttering obscenities under her breath and swatting Chris's Gameboy out of Billy's hands as she walks by before randomly throwing herself into an empty seat and crossing her arms in anger. Billy mopes forlornly for a moment and then picks up the Gameboy to continue.

William snickers to himself from inside the stall.

"Jeez," Rebecca notes aloud. "Your parents are uh...pretty special, huh?" She, Anthony, and even Sherry have moved to the back of the bus and are taking part in a 3-way card game of 'war'.

"Yeah sure," Sherry replies hastily, setting her cards face down. "Look," she starts, glancing from Rebecca to Anthony and back, "we've apparently put aside our differences for the moment. Now, I realize that there's some sort of rudimentary romantic interest thing going on between you two-" Anthony frowns, anticipating the worst; he and Rebecca share worried glances as Sherry continues, "-so I'm willing to make a sacrifice. Threesome, right here, right now. Whaddaya say?"

The blood drains from Anthony's face. Rebecca just sort of inches away from Sherry uncomfortably, wincing. The 12-year-old girl looks from Rebecca to Anthony again, frowning as she notices their unenthusiastic expressions. "Aw COME ON!" Sherry pleads, throwing her hands in the air. "You-...j...COME ON!"

"Um, thanks but no thanks," Rebecca says, forcing a smile. Anthony just shakes his head rapidly.

Sherry huffs in defeat, her shoulders drooping. After a few minutes, she picks up her cards. "Alright well just keep it on the backburner, in case you change your mind, ok?"

Anthony and Rebecca share yet another uncomfortable glance as Sherry obliviously continues the card game.

Billy pops his head over the seat. "Hey, I'm game for a threesome!" he announces, grinning at Sherry. "Come on, you, me, and uh...Jill. And NOT Rebecca!" Billy says with a sneer, getting right up in Rebecca's face. "Jealous, Rebecca? Huh? HUH? Feeling a little left out? Can't take it? Hmm? Want a piece of this?"

Rebecca stares blandly at the ex-marine as the bus continues on, jostling them lightly every few moments. "...No."

Billy sighs, and turns his head to look at Sherry. A few moments pass. Sherry stares right back at him. Billy shrugs a little. "Well, h-"

"YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME!" Sherry screams, pulling out a knife from nowhere and brandishing it at Billy. Billy, Rebecca, and Anthony lean as far away as they can from the deranged 12-year-old.

**ooo**

"STATUS REPORT!!" Alexia screams, shattering eighteen more windows in the castle. Saddler jumps in his seat, giving a light squeal of fear. "Uh," he begins, looking around. There is no one else in the vast chamber except for he and Alexia on their separate chairs. Well hers is more like a throne, but whatever. "S-status report...pending," Saddler whimpers, turning aside.

After a several moments of Saddler saying his prayers and adding a few more sentences to his last will and testament, he turns back to Alexia. "Uh, er...status update! Yes, uh...everyone died, and it was really sad, and the last thing they said was for there to be no more...status...updates..." he trails off, shrugging innocently and forcing a smile.

Alexia returns the smile, although hers is absolutely devilish and her eyes are glowing red as she clutches her throne's armrests hard enough that they snap off.

At that moment, Alfred struts in wearing one of Alexia's dresses, a blonde wig, and a heap of makeup. "HAY-AH!" he blurts, tossing a limp-wristed wave to his sister.

Alexia's left eye twitches as she grins malevolently. Saddler pulls his robe's hood over his head as much as he can. "HERE'S A STATUS UPDATE!" Alexia roars, shaking the whole chamber. "MY BROTHER'S AS QUEER AS A THREE DOLLAR BILL."

Alfred is shocked. He stands there for a full moment, staring and gaping at Alexia before breaking down into tears and running off awkwardly on his high heels.

**ooo**

"Stop...the music..." Ada whimpers, clawing at her ears. For three hours, she, Leon, Claire, Steve, and Ashley have been riding along on the purple Chuck-E-Cheese style miniature choo-choo train. Through the desert. While Chuck-E-Cheese music plays on an endless loop through the train's crappy speakers.

Ashley is asleep in Leon's lap in the front car, much to everyone's dismay/relief. Claire and Ada are in the middle car, both with hands clamped over their ears.

Steve is in the rear car, with a goofy open-mouthed smile on his face as he cheerfully snaps his fingers to the tune. "I think it's kinda catchy!" he blurts, squinting with glee.

"Must...kill...Steve..." Claire mumbles, clumsily gripping her 9mm and pulling it out of its holster. Ada sighs and pushes the gun down, despite her urge to also end Steve's life. "No Claire, we'll need the bullets for later," she sighs.

"Just hang in there, everyone," Leon says over his shoulder. "Hopefully these tracks will lead us to Japan...somehow..." Suddenly, his earpiece radio (cough CODEC cough) beeps. It's Hunnigan.

"Leon," Hunnigan begins, "those tracks do NOT lead to Japan."

Leon rips the communicator off of his ear and hurls it away. It explodes violently in the distance, taking out a cliffside. "Whatever," Leon scoffs. "We'll have to take this baby offroad then. Everyone, grab your seats and bunnyhop on the count of tree!" he orders. Everyone, except for Ashley because she's asleep, grabs a hold of their seats. "One! ...Two! ...THREE!"

All at once, the gang jumps while grabbing their seats. The train is derailed immediately, and suddenly careens off eight times as fast as it had been plodding along. "WHOA!!" Leon yells, grabbing at the plastic steering wheel. It breaks off instantly, and all he can do is glare at it. "Uh..."

Ada and Claire scream in horror and wrap their arms around each other.

Steve sits up, pointing at them. "LESBIANS!" he yells. He is promptly struck by a flying plastic steering wheel and knocked out.

"HANG ON!" Leon growls ferociously, running his hands through his luscious thick hair. Ashley is jostled around slightly from all the commotion of the speeding-out-of-control mini choo-choo train, and she starts drooling on Leon's pants.

Up ahead, a cliff appears in the distance. A cliff which they are heading straight towards.

"I DON'T WANNA DIE!" Ada screams.

"I DON'T WANNA A VIRGIN!" Steve shouts, conscious now and clutching a bump on his head.

"I DON'T WANNA DIE NEXT TO _STEVE,"_ Claire exclaims, glaring back at the gimpy teen.

Ashley is still drooling all over Leon's pants. Leon is just staring down at her, wondering if this will be the last thing that he sees before he dies and whether or not that would be a good or bad thing.

"Where in the hell did all of these cliffs come from," Leon mutters to himself right before the train plummets into empty air...

**ooo**

Nemesis, Morpheus, and Marcus are clinging to their whale ride, holding their breath along the journey and gasping for air every time the whale comes up for a breath. Their journey has become even more torturous and anguishing. Laugh at their pain.

* * *

_Note time!_

_Yay, managed to update sort of not too late again. Looks like our heroes and villains are nearing the end of their journey. For Japan awaits! …And waits! …And waits! sigh Stay tuned until next time, when things start coming together!_

_Also I need some suggestions about what the heck happened to Krauser. And did Wesker Chick re-capture Wesker? I'd love to hear what you think should happen!_

_As always, thanks for reading! ENJOOOOY!_


	20. I Need To Update More

**Chapter Nineteen: I Need To Update More**

Krauser H. Krauser (otherwise known as 'Jack' Krauser) smirks triumphantly as the flock of zombie crows carries him high over the ocean. "Hah!" he squawks, folding his arms across his big fat manly chest. "Thank goodness for reader reviews and suggestions! I'll have that game in no time!" Sure enough, a copy of Resident Evil 5 flies through the air, and he snags it. "Now it's time to bring this back to Saddler and Alexia!" Krauser says aloud, pointing to the horizon. "ONWARD, CONVENIENT FLOCK OF ZOMBIE CROWS!"

"Hey. Ese. Wake up, ese."

Krauser blinks, and opens his eyes, sitting up. He is not flying through the air. He does not have RE5 in his grasp. Luis Sera is sitting next to him in the desert, and there is a campfire going. Krauser glares at Luis. Luis smiles. "Let's keep singing 'kumbaya'!" the Spaniard squeals, and pulls out a guitar. "Kuuuumbaaaayaaaa-"

Krauser jumps up and grabs his head, running off and screaming in horror.

**  
ooo**

Hunk and Carlos are flying through the woods in their Power Wheels jeeps, doing wheelies and stoppies and whatnot despite the fact that they are in Power Wheels jeeps. All of a sudden, Krauser H. Krauser comes tumbling out of the brush ahead of them, frantically struggling with a flimsy vine that is tangled around him. "It's in my HAIR!" Krauser screams, flailing. "IT'S IN MY _HAIR!!!"_

Hunk and Carlos skid to a stop, Hunk skidding to such a hard stop that the still-unconscious Mikhail goes flying off of the hood of his jeep and sails off a cliff. "We lose more characters that way," Carlos laments, pouring some tequila onto the ground. Hunk whips out a plastic butter knife and cuts Krauser free.

The big lummox gulps down several panicked breaths, wiping away tears. "Oh my gosh oh my gosh I was lost in the woods and it was so scary," Krauser mumbles.

Hunk slaps him across the face. "Snap out of it, soldier," he grunts. Krauser just starts crying again.

(three hours later)

Krauser finally stops crying.

Hunk MacGuyver-ishly constructs a passenger seat out of some wood and vines, and attaches it to his jeep. "Alright let's do this," he grunts. He hops into the driver's seat. Krauser daintily seats himself in the passenger side. Carlos, wasted on tequila by now, stumbles over to his jeep.

"YEA LES' GO," Carlos yells, honking the plastic horn. He takes off immediately, with Hunk and Krauser close behind. Hunk struggles to follow Carlos's swerving, unpredictable driving pattern through the jungle path...

**ooo**

"What in the HELL is WRONG with you?!" Alexia screams, making everyone else in the chamber (Alfred now dressed in his "normal" clothes, Saddler, Salazar, zombie #3, and Kamesen) jump two feet in the air.

Kamesen claps his hands over his eyes, gritting his teeth in frightened dismay. "I don't know, ok?!" he cries. "I was writing a chapter, when suddenly I got KNOCKED OUT, man! Next thing I know I wake up and CNN is on-"

"A LIKELY STORY," Alexia bellows, fire actually seething from between her teeth. Alfred screams like a girl and both he and Salazar take cover beneath Saddler's robes, who stumbles in shock and anger.

Kamesen peeks out from between his fingers.

Alexia continues to glare at him, so glaringly that it is bad. "If you don't start updating faster, I will cut out your heart and finish this story MYSELF! And you WON'T like the ending!" she yells.

Kamesen furrows his brow. "Hey screw YOU, man!" he responds angrily, pointing at a now shocked Alexia. "It USED to be about the MUSIC." With that, he storms off, purposely knocking over random candle stands on the way out.

Everyone just sort of stares after him, Saddler giving a half-hearted 'Pff' of distaste.

A stunned Alexia comes to her senses. "Wuh-…wait! He can't leave here! GO, MY MINIONS! ATTACK HIM!"

Alfred and Salazar bound forth from underneath Saddler's robes all of a sudden, barking and snarling as they run across the floor on all-fours to chase Kamesen. Saddler falls over in a heap, becoming unconscious. Alexia just takes like this huge breath and looks all stern and sexy with the glaring and the tight-lipped brooding anger and whatnot.

Anyway…

**ooo**

"Alright, whadda we got," Leon requests. He and the gang (Claire, Ada, Ashley, and...Steve) are currently plummeting off of a cliff while sitting in a Chuck-E-Cheese purple choo choo train.

Ada hands him the list of suggestions from the readers, and Leon reads them off while Claire counts off on her fingers. "'Steve is hard gay for Leon,'" Leon reads, with some disgust. Claire raises one finger, rolling her eyes. Steve stares dumbfounded at her, trying to mimic her counting with his own fingers, but failing. Leon sighs and clears his throat.

"Oh yeah," Steve chimes. He takes a deep breath. "I'M HARD GAY FOR LEON!" Steve screams, as the wind continues to whip by them while the train continues to plummet.

"Fantastic," Leon mutters. Ada gives Steve her overly-joyous open-mouthed grin and thumbs-up. Leon reads the next item on the list. "'Steve suffers a lot.'" He turns in his seat and whacks Steve across the face.

"OOOoooow," Steve whines, grabbing his head. Ada laughs her ass off, while Claire just sighs and counts a number two with her fingers.

Leon reads the next item. "'Ada-...flushes Kamesen'?" Leon lowers the list and twists in his seat to stare bewildered at Ada. The Chinese double agent squints in confusion.

"Gimme that," Ada demands, snatching the list from Leon. She skims over the notes. "That last one was written in blue crayon." She suddenly narrows her eyes even further in hatred, a vein popping on her forehead. "And 'flashes' is spelled wrong."

"Well Kamesen isn't here," Leon quickly affirms, grabbing the list back from Ada. "Onto the next item." He skims down the page to the next note. "What the-...it says 'Leon and co. crash into a floating Lego ca-"

Just at that moment, Leon and co. crash through a floating Lego castle.

**ooo**

Meanwhile, Wesker the Fabulous is fleeing (in his underwear) from Wesker Chick (who is now married, if I'm not mistaken. ...Although I don't suppose that would prevent her alter-ego from chasing Wesker. Anyway...) "FASTER, DAMN YOU!" Wesker screams, pounding his fist against the dashboard of the snowmobile or whatever he was escaping on. (I know, folks. It's been far too long since I updated. (Kamesen, quit interrupting the story with your damn in-parenthesis interruptions.) Sorry.) Wesker reaches into the glovebox for something..ANYthing. He withdraws several pancakes. "Figures," he mutters, remembering how Wesker Chick had exercised some weird obsession with pancake batter, butterscotch syrup, handcuffs, and-...Wesker shudders and blocks out everything that had happened to him. Clutching the pancakes in one hand, he half-turns to glare back at the encroaching Wesker Chick, who is chasing him on a...a...oh jeez some sort of fast Japanese motorbike of some sorts, I don't know. "CATCH, BUCKY!!" Wesker screams, hitting the brake.

His vehicle slows suddenly, while Wesker Chick careens forward. Wesker laughs miserably and crams the pancakes into Wesker Chick's mouth, who spirals out of control and lands in a mattress factory full of life-size Wesker pillows.

"Screw that noise," Wesker barks, revving his engines. He races off towards the sunset, plotting revenge on his comrades for leaving him behind...

**ooo**

"Eighteen-trillion-five-hundred-and-thirty-two-billion-nine-hundred-and-twenty-seven-million-four-hundred-and-twelve-thousand-six-hundred-and-three bottles of beer on the wall! Eighteen-trillion-five-hundred-and-thirty-two-billion-nine-hundred-and-twenty-seven-million-four-hundred-and-twelve-thousand-six-hundred-and-three bottles of beer!" Chris Redfield sings gleefully. "YA TAKE ONE DOWN, PASS IT AROUND-"

Jill suddenly grabs his cheeks, breathing heatedly in the man's face. Her eyes narrow icily. "STOP. SINGING. THAT STUPID. SONG."

Chris continues to drive silently into the night that never ends.

After two seconds, he promptly grabs Jill by the shoulders, shakes her confidently, and seats her behind the wheel. Jill straightens her beret in confusion and drives the bus herself.

Meanwhile, Chris assesses the gang.

Billy and Barry are playing 'the punching game', which basically involves taking turns hitting each other in the shoulder until someone gives up. Barry took credit for inventing it.

William and Annette Birkin had been reviewing J-Virus formulae, but had given 'the punching game' a try at Annette's proposal. William knocked her out with one punch, and now he is drawing stick figures of himself mutating and killing Umbrella soldiers.

In the back of the bus, Rebecca and Anthony are asleep, leaning against one another. Her right arm and his left rest on their thighs between them, pinky fingers linked. Sherry Birkin, after hours of huffing and puffing and threatening to blow the bus down, has resigned to a deep slumber beside Anthony, using his lap as a pillow. Any subconscious attempt from her to move his free hand to a more 'comfortable' position is met by an equally subconscious resistance from him.

**ooo**

Nemmy and crew are still out at sea, riding on a whale or something. I don't even remember what the hell they are doing. Maybe they all drowned and died.

**ooo**

And back at the Fortress of Bad Guys, starring Queen Alexia, a special guest has appeared.

"HOLD IT." Some guy runs in, and hands an 1892 model phone to Alexia. "Ya gotta call me on this first."

Alexia takes the phone...glares icily enough to freeze hell, and picks up the ancient receiver as the guy scampers back out of the fortress. She sighs icy vapor and states, "We've got no choice...we've gotta call him..."

Next door, a cell phone rings. Phoenix Helix is bludgeoning a zombie's head with a fridge door for no damned reason. He picks up the cell phone, flips it open and (in a sarcastic tone) answers with "Hola."

He nods as a speedy, unintelligible chipmunk voice says a few lines on the other end of the call. "Ya. Ya. Ya? Uh-huh. Ya don't say! Yeah well same to you, pal!" He throws the cell phone away and looks to the zombie.

"Was that Queen Alexia?" the zombie moans.

"Nah, that was Queen Alexia," Phoenix Helix replies. He eyes the zombie for a second, who cringes in zombie-ish fear. Phoenix smiles. "No worries, mate. I don't believe in hitting a man when he's down." The zombie sighs in relief, and promptly receives a steel-toed boot to the groin. "I kick 'em. It's a lot damn easier."

With that, Phoenix heads over to his bike, keys the ignition, and heads off towards Super Queen Alexia Doom Fortress Base to sign up for the bounty to hunt the rebels, especially Ashley Graham.

Three seconds later, he pulls up to Alexia's Castle House of International Pancakes and hops off the bike, pays a zombie valet to park it, shoots the zombie valet, and then runs inside of the castle.

"I AM HERE TO HUNT ASHLEY GRABASS," Phoenix screams eerily, and earns a sock full of quarters to the forehead.

"AND the others!" Alexia screams with the power of twelve Alexias.

"Right," Phoenix says, standing up and collecting his pay. "And Ashley."

"AND the others!"

"...And Ashley."

"...AND. THE OTHERS."

"AND. ASSLEY."

Phoenix and Alexia glare at each other. Phoenix's hair catches on fire. "BITCH!" he shrieks while pointing at Saddler, then runs off into the night.

Saddler just blows a raspberry, getting slobber all over himself. "Do you think that he will really be able to capture our enemies and procure Resident Evil 5?" he says to thin air.

Alexia decides to answer him. "No, but he'll at least be able to bring back Ashley. And then the others will follow and stuff, blah blah blah, plot plot plooot, I have boobies. HEY. STOP MAKING ME SAY STUPID STUFF," Alexia roars.

Kamesen, the author, cringes at his desk and nods softly while suppressing a fit of uncharacteristic giggles.

"Yeah anyway," Saddler resumes, waggling his non-eyebrows at Alexia, "I hear that the main man of RE5 is none other than that hunk of man meat Chris Redfield, and I love him soooo much like OMG, and I want to-" Saddler's brow begins to furrow in confused anger as the words spill from his mouth, "-give him huggie-wuggies and kissie-wissies on his facie-wacie- AAOOUGH now he's making ME say stupid stuff! I HATE my life!" Saddler throws his wiggling staff thing on the floor and stomps over to his throne, stepping on Salazar and Alfred (they squeak respectively) on the way. "HATE this..." Saddler sulks almost as tremendously as Alexia, plopping down on his throne which makes a fart noise, followed by smaller fart noises as he adjusts himself on the seat. He then proceeds to rest his jaw on his hand and glare the night away.

Alexia glares at him for a full minute. Saddler's hair catches on fire.

* * *

****

_Author's note: (standing on a stool with a noose around my neck) OK OK I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T POSTED IN LIKE HALF A YEAR; PLEASE DON'T HANG ME. Yee cripes. School is hell, work sucks, girlfriend, sick mother, broken leg, three weeks left to live, etc. Ok some of those were made up. But school and work really have been hell, and my poor girlfriend...well she's going to kill me too. So I am very sorry that I have not updated in a while. I hope I haven't lost any fans! I am very grateful to each and every one of you who have read and commented on my story. It definitely keeps me motivated through these rough times_

_I tried to include every suggestion that was given to me by all of you. If I missed one, let me know! And please feel free to keep those suggestions coming. Want to be in the story? Want an anvil to fall on Wesker? Want Chris's pants to fall down? Jill's shirt to fly off? Alexia and Salazar to poledance- ok you get the idea. You suggest it, I'll include it!_

_NEXT TIME, ON RESIDENT EVIL: SUPER QUEST – These separate tales will converge as our heroes, our enemies, and those caught inbetween collide in a chaotic encounter! Stay tuned; you WON'T want to miss THIS ONE._

Jill:...(shirt flies off) ..Wh- HEY!!


	21. Alfred Is Stupid

**Chapter Twenty: Alfred Is Stupid**

Captain Albert J. 'Jackal' Wesker cruises down the stretch of highway on his brand new Harley Davidson, sporting an all-black outfit which includes a leather jacket with his face on the back. "I am absolutely a badass," he reminds himself with a grin, glaring out at the highway through his dark badass shades. His immaculate blonde hair cuts the wind into ribbons as he rides. Bugs disintegrate before they even touch him. "I will have my revenge on Christopher F. Redfield, so help me Satan." With a twist of the accelerator, Wesker pops like five wheelies at once and speeds away.

**ooo**

"WE NEED TO GET CRUNK UP IN THIS," Alexia Ashford screams furiously, her clear and properly enunciated words echoing with violent and shamefully sexy fervor throughout the Fortress of Doomology. Saddler has fallen asleep on his throne, with an afro wig covering his burnt hair. Alexia growls growlishly at the lack of henchmen. She had spent the past half-hour clubbing Saddler over the head and setting him on fire, merely because she was tired of beating up Alfred.

"I am a lesbian," Alexia states to the air, as per fan suggestions. She sighs and rolls her eyes. "This campaign against the good guys is beginning to annoy me. I wish I had someone…to love me…"

No sooner does she express this wish, when Alfred Ashford prances into the chamber, wearing a lovely dress. "Hello, dearies!" Alfred coos in a high-pitched voice, tittering girlishly.

Alexia fumes. "IS THAT MY PROM DRESS?!" she screams, jumping up from her throne and forming several nasty fireballs in her hands.

Alfred screams and runs. Alexia takes chase.

And then, Alexia suddenly tumbles down a thousand-stair flight of stairs.

"AAAAAAAH THE INTERNAL BLEEDING!" she cries on the way down. "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!"

Kamesen pops his head into the scene. "Fan suggestion!" he explains. He then looks right at you. "Hiya, folks!"

Alexia's voice then sounds again, from much farther down the stairs. "I WILL FEAST UPON YOUR BOILED ENTRAILS."

Kamesen smiles again, albeit nervously. "Bye, folks!"

Saddler half wakes up for a moment, sticks a comb in his afro, makes some gang signs, and then falls back asleep.

**ooo**

Meanwhile, Leon, Claire, Ada, Ashley, and...Steve...are STILL falling. Luckily, Sydon, a resident of the lego castle they had crashed through, equipped them with parachutes. Leon yanks his parachute, and a large red white and blue chute billows out. The colors are faded, however.

"This symbolizes my lust for justice," Leon explains on the way down, gripping his harness, "paired with my jaded past and angsty demeanor..." Suddenly, GameM parachutes past 

Leon and gives him a huge thumbs up. "...Crazy fan-suggestions," Leon mutters, rolling his eyes.

Claire yanks her cord, and a big pink chute flies out, complete with a bomb-toting Valkerie design. "This symbolizes the fact that I fancy the color pink," Claire explains, grinning, "also, bombs."

Ada pulls her cord. An invisible chute pops out. "I am a spy," Ada hints with a nod.

Ashley, having woken up, decided to cling to Leon's leg instead of pull her own chute. Much to Leon's dismay/sexual confusion.

Steve proudly yanks his cord. It snaps. "Mother said this day would come," Steve announces, and plummets violently, letting out an ear-shattering girlish scream the whole way down.

**ooo**

"Alright what else've we got," Chris Redfield declares in a Southern Belle accent. He has taken control of the bus again while Jill takes a nappie-poo.

Anthony Michael Mihovich, team rookie, potential love interest for Rebecca Chambers, and all-around naïve goofball reads from the list of fan suggestions.

"Well," the rookie fumbles, scratching the back of his head, "It hath been requested that Jill's shirt fly off, Rebeca's shirt fly off," he blushes and begins to stutter, but continues b-b-b-bravely, "an Ada/Jill lesbian love scene, Krauser falls in love with Steve, and something about a giant beast and a rip in the space time continuum. Also, Alexia pole dancing."

The lonely rumble of the bus's engine is accompanied by only silence for the next half of a minute.

"No," Chris then states firmly and simply, facepalming. "This sh(radio edit)t has got to stop. We are on a mission, dag nabbit." With a violent/upset-cheerleader motion, Chris slaps at the steering wheel.

Anthony nods, and then nods again firmly in succession. "Understood. …Hey aren't you in the new RE5 game?"

"I don't even care," Chris mutters. "I just want to get the game and go home."

"I absolutely agree with you, sir," Anthony agrees agreeably, shifting his legs in nervous excitement/discomfort. Chris softly looks at him, looking him up and down. Anthony immediately straightens up. Chris smirks widely. Anthony smirks softly. "I'll be a man and use my hand," he whispers muskily, reminding himself that sleep deprivation is not good for the writing best.

All of a sudden, Krauser.

"HOYOH. WHO ATE MY PORRIDGE," the muscled maniac screams from the passenger seat of the Power Wheels jeep as Hunk pulls alongside the bus.

Christopher F. Redfield throws a glance out the window, glaring heatedly. "LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT COMPANYYYYY," he screams in a sing-song manner, but no one listening because they're all asleep, except Anthony who is dazedly trying to remember how to fire a gun. "Anthony," Chris nods, tossing a noddish nod towards Jill's slumbering figure.

"Right," Anthony nods grimly, nodding. He turns to the peacefully sleeping female. Desperate times called for desperate measures. Carlos Oliviera is pulling alongside the other long side of the bus.. Anthony takes in a deep breath. "JILL I'LL TOUCH YOUR BREAST," he cries.

"THE HELL YOU WILL," Jill belts, awakening abruptly and whipping out like three guns.

"JILL THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE CONVENIENTLY AWAKE," Chris interrupts, hitting caps lock- the cruise control for cool, "THERE ARE DAS ENEMIES TRYINK TO DESTROY OUR MOTHER BUS."

Jill Valentine glares coldly. So coldly, in fact, that the bus like totally chills. Rebecca wakes up, her brow furrowed in confusion. "Why are my nipples hard?" she asks aloud, which wakes Billy, who begins giggling and drooling at Rebecca, who throws a shoe at him in retaliation, which hits Barry, who wakes up and starts crying like a baby, which wakes uh...which wakes William, who gets mad and starts shaking Annette, which wakes Annette, who slaps William, who slaps Annette, which knocks Annette out, and by this time Sherry wakes up and flips everyone off then goes back to sleep, and Brad is in the bathroom because he's a Nancy boy.

Anyway, Jill and Chris shove their guns out the window and start hell of unloading serious lead. Hunk gets a flat tire but remembers that trick from the one James Bond movie, and the tire re-inflates. Krauser gets scared and has flashbacks of getting his ass kicked by Leon, and he freaks out and starts crying. Carlos meanwhile is still a little drunk, and begins unintentionally/intentionally ramming the bus with his Power Wheels jeep, which doesn't really do anything. Inside the bus however, everyone starts reeling from side to side dramatically like in Star Trek when they go into asteroid fields and stuff.

"OH MAN THIS SUCKS," Barry squeals, firing his water pistol out the window and hitting Hunk in the eye. Hunk clutches his eye with one hand and begins hurling obscenities at the bus. Krauser blurts in shock at his injured comrade, and whips out a rocket launcher in retaliation, but then Steve falls from the sky and his fall is broken largely by Krauser's big fat head.

"Does uh, someone wanna like...give me a gun or something?" Billy questions aloud, but is mostly ignored. Rebecca huffs in angry sympathy though, and hands him her other shoe to use as a weapon. Billy smirks knowingly/thankfully at her, and hurls the shoe, clocking Carlos in the head. Carlos belches, swerving and screaming at the seagulls circling above, who are pooping on the road.

Meanwhile Leon and co. parachute down onto the top of the bus and begin a cool bustop battle/musical versus the zombie barbershop parachute brigade quartet who happened to drop in.

"THIS IS QUITE A BUS," Ada remarks, her Chinese double-agent spy superknowledge knowing no bounds, no bounds whatsoever.

"It's a magic schoolbus," Claire resolves, fatigued. She pumps down a Red Bull, shivers, slams the can against her forehead (verily crushing it), and roars with sexually explicit fervor before whipping out a huge chaingun out of nowhere and blowing away the tenor zombie.

Ashley is doing her nails.

Leon blows away a zombie, does a little touchdown victory dance, and then looks around. "Yeah what happened to Steve," he wonders aloud, even though he doesn't REALLY want to know.

Everybody looks over to the jeep left of the bus. Steve is driving the jeep. Krauser and Hunk are hogtied to the back of the jeep. (Hunk had fallen asleep, and Krauser had been knocked out from Steve falling on him.)

"Holy crap," Claire mutters, "did Steve just accomplish something useful for once?"

Steve sticks his tongue out in angsty teen rage. "I KILLED MY DAD OK I CAN DO STUFF TOO SHUT UP."

Meanwhile, Carlos is singing 'Wasted away again in Margaritaville' in Spanish and puking out the side of his jeep.

"ALRIGHT THAT'S IT," Chris yells, slamming on the emergency brake. Everyone on the bus goes flying forwards, smushing into the windshield and each other. Anthony sighs in exasperation as Sherry uses this opportunity to take advantage of him. The back wheels of the bus buck into the air, throwing Leon and co. violently. Leon screams like a cowboy on a bucking bronco though, grabbing hold of the bus roof and waving his free hand. Ada quickly employs her grappling hook to secure she and Claire to the roof. Ashley just hangs on to Leon.

Steve slams the power wheels jeep to a halt with the two captured enemies (unconscious Krauser and sleeping Hunk) on board. Carlos' power wheels jeep goes shooting by, swerving and weaving across the road as he screams/sings incoherently. He vanishes into the distance, where there is a large explosion.

"Ok." Jill kicks the bus doors open, assessing the situation. Everyone clambers out of the bus wearily, shaken up over the recent violence. Brad, however, decides to stay in the bathroom.

Steve comes walking over, grinning obnoxiously/showoffishly, and prepares to announce his presence to Jill when he suddenly realizes that he is stupid and trips over his own foot.

Leon hops down from the bus roof, followed by Ada, Claire, and Ashley. "Yo yo yo what it is, mother f-"

"-SHUT yo mouth!" Claire snaps, whacking Leon on the back of the head.

Ada steps forward, deciding to be the rational-minded one for the time being. "Alpha group, I presume. Or...bravo...whatever, the damned author can't keep up. He's like eighty years old by now."

Chris, Jill, and Barry all nod vigorously. Jill speaks up. "We lost many, but we carry on." She bites her lower lip seductively/sadly, prompting the large bearded Barry to attempt the same maneuver. Chris ignores all this bullcrap and cuts to the chase.

"Join us and rule the galaxy with RE5," he gloats anonymously, realizing that he himself is featured in the game.

"Yes," Ada agrees. "It will be sexcellent." Everyone fistbumps, despite some annoyance/distrust of the Birkins by Leon and co. Brad still hiding in the bathroom, Sherry having a belching contest with herself, Krauser awake and whining, Hunk snoring, etc.

And so, they banded together. Good guys through and through. Well, Billy is sort of an anti-hero. The Birkin adults are evil scientists who are at the mercy of the group for some unknown reason, and their daughter is an underage kink. Ada is a double agent- ah ok whatever you get the idea. The point is, they all have joined forces in the quest for RE5!

* * *

_So, another year another chapter -- GRAUGH WORK SCHOOL BREAKUP GET BACK TOGETHER ETC ETC I am horrible, aren't I. For those of you that have stuck around, thank you so very much for putting up with me. For those who have left, I can understand why. I'm not exactly the best at keeping a consistent chapter flow. Regardless, I do hope that you enjoy!_

_NEXT TIME, ON RESIDENT EVIL: SUPERQUEST – Our heroes will make their way to the coast together! From there, it's a simple matter of swimming to Japan or finding a boat or something. What will they do with the captured villains Hunk and Krauser? Is Carlos really dead? What of Nemesis, Marcus, and Morpheus, our foes already in the sea? What of Queen Alexia and her villainous cohorts? How long will it take for Kamesen to write the next chapter? HAH HAH! Aaah...that's not funny._


	22. No Shortage of Short Shorts

**Chapter Twenty-one: No Shortage of Short Shorts**

"I say we take the bus!" Christopher K. Redfield trumpets bodaciously, assuming an Alpha Male pose.

Ada flashes gang signs and gets all up in his grill, causing the muscled man to cower shamefully. Suddenly, Chris gets a hold of himself. "Oh wait, hey Claire."

"Hi Chris," Claire replies with a little wave, rolling her eyes. Her brother runs over to her, wrapping his big ol' arms around her and swinging her back and forth. "I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE OK CLAIRE-Y WARE-Y WARE," Chris screams, tears bursting from his eyes. Claire grunts as her spine pops.

"It's so beautiful," Billy sniffles, wiping a tear of his own. He attempts to grope Rebecca under the guise of reaching for a sensitive embrace, but she shuffles away from him and swiftly mutters 'Don't touch me.'

William Birkin takes this opportunity to interject with his own ideas. "Well, while we would certainly have enough room for all in the bus, there's the little issue of what to do with _those _two.." he notes, gesturing towards the tied-up Hunk and Krauser.

"I _WORSHIPED _YOU," Hunk screams, addressing the male Birkin.

William squints in annoyance/distaste. "Man, shut up."

Steve is quick to make a suggestion, muscling his way through the small crowd until he stands before the two bound villains. "I say we spank them silly!" he beligerates, spinning around to face the group, expecting approval. He receives no love from anyone in return.

"YOU SHALL DO NO SUCH THING, AMIGO," someone Spanish yells suddenly. Carlos B. Oliviera marches/staggers forward, all cool, hair all blowing in the wind, face all dirty from the explosion. Everyone gasps in horror and tries to hide behind each other, resulting in a huge, pointless shuffle.

Brad steps off of the bus tenderly, looks up, sees Carlos, promptly turns and gets back on the bus.

"LEAVE MY HERMANOS ALONE," Carlos g-g-growls, pointing his fingers accusingly.

Barry leans over to Billy, whispering "That's Hispanish for 'brothers'," in a hoarse, informative tone. Jill slaps Barry upside the head.

Meanwhile, Carlos continues to advance upon the group. Tensions rise. Passions flare. Underpants soil.

Sherry tugs on Anthony's sleeve. He looks down at her despairingly, expecting the worst. She squints a bit, in discomfort. "Sir, my panties are in a bunch."

Anthony sighs and squeezes his eyes shut very tightly.

"CARLOS, SAVE US!" Krauser shamelessly squeals, struggling in his ropes. Leon makes ready to pistol whip Krauser, but Carlos swiftly shoots the pistola out of Leon's hand. Leon squeaks in surprise, and Krauser lets loose a tear of admiration.

"NO TOUCHY," Carlos blurts, spinning his revolveristas. Leon draws in a huge breath through his nostrils, looking angry/tense. Claire rubs his back and silently tells him that it'll be alright.

Finally, Chris decides to take command of the relative standoff.

The male Redfield stands before the group, facing their adversary. He quietly begins to speak. "…Despite all my rage, I'm still just a rat in a cage."

"That's just a Smashing Pumpkins song!" Annette contends, ducking a backhand from William.

"HEY!" Steve shouts suddenly, pointing pointedly. "They're gettin' away!" Everyone turns to look where he is pointing. Sure enough, Carlos has manned the remaining Power Wheels jeep and driven off with Hunk and Krauser.

"GRR," Billy, Leon, and Chris growl, performing mannish poses. "We hates ye!" Barry adds helpfully, snarling and curling his upper lip whilst squinting his right eye.

Ada kicks a rock, grunting and gesturing violently after the escaping villains.

Meanwhile, Sherry exaggerates a shrug/youthfully innocent gaze. "What do we do NOW?" she queries.

Chris plops a big ol' hand on her head, violently tussling her hair. "Little girl whose name I forgot, we're gonna get RIGHT on that bus, and we're gonna CHASE 'EM!"

Claire clears her throat. "You mean get the RE5 game."

Chris reiterates without missing a beat. "I mean get the RE5 game!"

Jill backflips nervously, and lands in a ballerina pose, looking worried. "But won't they be reporting back to their HQ for backup?"

Barry steps in, squishing Billy's foot obliviously. "She's right! We should go after those three before they can reach their base!"

Billy yanks his foot out from under Barry's and grunts in annoyance. "Naw, son. My marine training tells me that those jerk-wads are too far out from HQ. They'll likely report in and then receive some stupid orders to keep on truckin' and try and get to Japan before us."

Rebecca, who had been quietly been getting her hair combed by Anthony, suddenly pipes up. "Uh isn't RE5 already out in the U.S? And people have already bought it and played it and beat it and-"

Chris interrupts her with one heck of an overly violent coughing fit. "UM WHATEVER anyway let's get on this bus and GET ROCKIN'."

With that, he leaps aboard the yellow school bus and plops down in the driver's seat, starting that baby up with a twist of the key.

Jill shrugs apologetically, half smiling half licking her lower lip. "Um I heard that in the Japanese version of the game, I get naked in one scene?"

Everyone enthusiastically piles onto the bus, regardless of their moral standing/sexual identity.

Chris hits the gas and THEY'RE OFF.

ooo

Albert C. Wesker lowers his Toys'r'Us brand kiddy binoculars and smirks so hard that he nearly cracks his beautiful face in two. "Fuh fuh fuh. Hoo hoo hoo. Those jerktards are headed off. They think they can just forget about ol' Wesker." He stands, his eight-foot long trenchcoat flapping in the relative breeze. Then he spikes the binoculars suddenly, frightening the audience/making some of them pee themselves. "WELL NO ONE FORGETS ABOUT WESKER." he screams. "NO ONE FORGETS THAT THEY SOLD HIM TO WESKER CHICK SO THAT THEY COULD…THEY…" he breaks down crying, but recovers. "I'll get them. I'll get them GOOD." Ol' Albie-Walbie wipes away his tears like a big boy and flies off with his jetpack or whatever he had last time, and follows them from afar. Also he dodges a random sniper shot from Nikolai, who screams "DANG it!"

ooo

Uh what else. OH YEAH right anyway, back in the palace of horrible wonders, Alexia is asleep THANK GOSH. Saddler and Alfred are making quiet plans without her, plans to try and get the RE5 game so that when Alexia wakes up, she'll shut up and be happy.

"We could just go to the store and BUY it," Saddler argues. "It's ON SALE. RIGHT NOW."

"No no NOOOO," Alfred whimpers violently, thrashing about a small bit. "The author of this crap-tastic story thought that he could finish it well before the game was released, but now it's too late so we…sort of have to just work with this."

"DAMN IT" Saddler squeals, crapping himself. He hesitates, realizing what he has just unwillingly accomplished in his diaper. "DOUBLE DAMN IT."

Alfred stalks away proudly, pacing this way and that. Meanwhile, Saddler slips Salazar a couple of bucks to go buy him some more Depends.

Salazar throws down the money angrily, looking up at Saddler. "Pff son, this chicken scratch ain't gonna buy me no soda at the pub!"

"Double negative," Saddler replies simply, kicking Salazar in the crotch. "Go buy me my adult diapers or I'll kill you."

Salazar just starts crying and then passes out.

Alfred looks over, shaking his head and noting aside, aloud. "…Alright…we've gotta stop treating each other like this."

ooo

BACK ON THE BUS,

Billy is driving. Thanks to some golden eggs provided by Leon, he has fully recovered from the injuries sustained due to a confrontation with William Birkin over the conduct towards little Sherry (see one of the previous chapters, I can't be bothered to remember which one.)

Billy Coen, man meat. He pilots the bus like a lazy but cool pro, all driving with one hand. "I SURE WISH REBECCA WOULD COME SIT ON MY LAP," he turns and screams back to the general passengers. Everyone half listens to him, but then they return to their private activities.

Chris stews in his seat, steaming with anger and pent up…pentupness. Jill sits beside him, shaking him lethargically every so often and telling him that he'll get the bad guys in the end and save the princess.

Leon and Claire sit in the opposite seat up front, playing thumb war. Both of them keep cheating by using their index fingers in the classic 'snakebite' maneuver.

Steve is sitting in the same seat, although the seat is really only meant for two. So like…half of his buttcheek is pushed up against Claire, while the rest of his butt is hanging off the edge of the seat. He keeps pushing his way further onto the seat, only to have Claire occasionally turn on him and start barking angrily.

Ada is sitting one seat behind, seeing how long she can hold one belch. Currently, she's been belching the same long belch for three and a half minutes.

Opposite the isle, Barry sits alone, softly polishing his squirtgun and thinking of happier times, like..back before half the crew had died.

Several seats back, Rebecca is attempting to explain cellular mitosis to Anthony. He is furrowing his brow in an attempt to understand, but keeps getting distracted by her fine collarbone.

Sherry is underneath of their seat, tying their shoelaces together in jealous rage.

Across the isle, William and Annette are sitting next to each other, not moving or talking. The bus' subtle rocking and bumping about causes them to sway simultaneously although they do not blink or show emotion other than quiet distaste of their surrounding 'lesser' company. William makes a fart noise with his mouth. Annette snorts outwardly, her lip trembling. She then snorts again, chortling silently, doubling over in her seat and sucking on her lower lip to try and stop laughing, but tears are forming in her eyes. William continues to remain emotionless.

In the backity back, at the bathroom door, Ashley kicks and screams for Brad to open the damn thing. Inside, Brad fears the woman terribly and does his best lion roar from that MGM studios logo thing. Ashley is not intimidated by this. She continues her door-kicking rampage.

The bus drives on…and the ocean coast is on the horizon. Our heroes aboard, and our villains in pursuit. And our minds…completely lost.

* * *

_Author's note time: Work, school, crumbling economy, writer's block, artist's stump, loop dee loop, hula hoop, you know the drill. I completely and absolutely FAIL at updating this story in a timely manner. But I am determined to finish it, and I am determined to entertain you, the readers!_

_Most of the reader suggestions involved lesbian sex scenes and whatnot, so I think I'll refrain from writing in the reader suggestions for a bit. Thank you for commenting, though! I read and value each and every one. In the next chapter, uuuuh...think Kamesen, think. NEXT TIME, ON 'RESIDENT EVIL: SUPER QUEST'...ACTION. ADVENTURE. ROMANCE. BROMANCE. BETRAYAL. BACKSTABBING. LOVE TRIANGLES. LOVE DODECAHEDRONS. MILEY CYRUS. COCAIN. CHEESCAKE? ALL SORTS OF STUFF. I'M JUST MAKING THIS UP AS I GO ALONG. I hope you will enjoy!_


	23. And Now, The Next Scene

**Chapter Twenty-three: And Now, The Next Scene**

It had to happen. It was inevitable. And now we see it in all its truthful glory.

All the girls had moved to the back of the bus. And all the boys invariably shifted up front.

Chris and Billy have come to an agreement, and each man holds the bus's steering wheel with one hand. Both stare into each other's eyes respectfully/non-homoerotically, and nod from time to time.

Barry strategically refills his water pistol, gasping softly as the rocking of the bus causes him to spill some water on his hand. Brad, miraculously ousted from the bathroom by Ashley's rantings, sits next to his bearded compatriot and wiggles nervously while sweating.

William Birkin sits alone a couple of seats back, beatboxing and occasionally tossing in a few lyrics about how his 'bros' at 'White Umbrella' have 'dissed' him.

Leon and Anthony toss a few Pokemon cards back and forth, even though neither of them has any freaking idea how to play. They're just trying to look cool.

Steve keeps trying to walk back towards the girls' section of the bus, but they continuously yell at him until he goes back up front.

"Stupid girls," Steve mutters, fussing about in general. "I bet they're just talking about stupid GIRL stuff anyway." He huffs and puffs and folds his twiggy little arms across his twiggy little chest.

"Like what?" Brad queries quizzically, cocking his head at a comical angle.

"I dunno," Steve angsts. "Boobies."

Barry chuckles heartily at this. His chuckles begin to grow louder, into voluminous laughter that echoes through the midday busride bus. Even the girls' quiet conversation tapers to a halt as they look over to watch the large man guffawing. Barry is practically ascream with booming laughter at this point, flailing in his seat, his face beat red as tears pour down his cheeks. Chris shoots a nervous look in the rearview mirror at the hysterical teammate.

Barry's explosive laughter withers to quiet wheezing as he passes out in his seat, uttering quiet little titters of unconscious laughter every so often.

The girls resume their candid convo. Steve resumes shooting glares back at them and mimicking what he believes them to be saying. "Myeh myeh MYEH. I'm a GIRL. I talk about BOOBS and I don't let STEVE listen. Myeah myeah MYEAA-" Steve is promptly knocked out by a boot to the head from Leon.

Meanwhile, in das back of das autobus, the girls talk their girl talk. In actually, it is a heated discussion regarding cellular mitosis, led by Rebecca and Annette. Ada is taking notes. Jill is filing her nails and looking bored. Sherry is trying to will her body to hit puberty early. Claire is making quiet horse noises. Ashley is in the bathroom.

"And THAT'S why I believe the G-Virus is ultimately fallible!" Rebecca argues, tossing down a jumbled notepad of equations and tic-tac-toe matches.

Annette Birkin draws in a slow, steady breath through her nose, her eyes widening angrily. The tension is thick as she stares at the young S.T.A.R.S. field medic, this upstart who has just devalued everything that she and her husband worked to create. Just as Annette is about to explode into a multi-faceted tirade regarding Rebecca's status as an upstart and the glory of the G-Virus, Claire reaches out and pokes her in the boob.

"Honk," Claire states simply. Annette deflates, sobbing into her hands.

"G…G-Virus," she mumbles.

Sherry rolls her eyes. "Mom you're such a drama queen." Nevertheless, she pats her mother on the back and hands her some uppers. I mean some…jellybeans. Annette downs them and flaps her hands about, the universal sign for 'give me water for f&^% sake'. Ashley conveniently pops out of the bus bathroom and hands her a glass.

Annette downs the water, smacking her lips appreciatively. Ashley just smiles. "That was toilet water." Annette stares at her for a full minute before spewing the water everywhere, causing the girls to recoil in horror/disgust.

Ashley is laughing her ass off and rolling around like a fool. "IT WASN'T TOILET WATER. AAHAHAHAH."

Unbelievable violence ensues, involving the two blonde women. Leon glances back and half-heartedly calls for them to pull each other's hair, then just sort of shrugs and returns to his game of Strip Pokemon with Anthony.

All of a sudden, Ada shoots a disturbed glare out the back window of the bus. "HEADS UP!" she cries.

Barry pops up from behind his seat like a prairie dog, brow furrowed in mute concentration.

All eyes turn to the rear window, whereupon be viewed none other than Carlos Oliviera and his gang of misfit Umbrella mercenaries, Hunk and Krauser.

Trouble has arrived. And it's famished.

**ooo**

Alexia Ashford sits silently, staring at her stupid sibling. Alfred is playing trains with Salazar. Saddler is seeing how long he can hold his breath.

The female Ashford (yes, it's Alexia) parts her lips, speaking angrily/sultry…ly. "I grow tired of failure." Everyone kind of ignores her. Saddler heard her, but he's pretending he didn't because he's scared. Very scared.

Alexia rises from her throne, looking like she's going to either burst into flames or burst someone else into flames. "ALFRED," she screams, the dust from the walls trickling down as the very cornerstones of the building are shaken. Her brother cringes, mid-trainwreck.

"Y…yes, dear sister?" he squeaks, slowly turning to look at her. Alexia grins violently at him.

"It's time for the Ashfords to get their hands dirty," Alexia explains with dark enthusiasm, descending the stairs from her throne. Alfred quickly starts glancing around for a place to hide. "And by 'the Ashfords', I mean you."

Alfred lets out a mousey squeak of horror and does a double take, noticing that his sister is standing before him now. His face wrenches in distraught agony and he raises the trains that he was playing with, mumbling incoherently through horrified tears.

"KRAUSER, READY THE CATAPULT."

"Krauser's out, remember?" Saddler reminds her.

"Oh yeah," Alexia remembers. "SALAZAR, GET THE STEPLADDER OUT AND READY THE CATAPULT."

Salazar grumbles and picks himself up off the floor, dusting off his fanny as he scampers down the corridor. The others wait in awkward semi-silence as, from further off in the castle, the sound of a short person dragging a stepladder across cobblestones echoes.

Moments later, the catapult has been prepared. Alfred sits in the bowl, sobbing quietly and writing out his last will and testament.

"QUIT BEING SUCH A BABY," Alexia demands, her hand fondling the launching mechanism scandalously.

Salazar runs up, panting excitedly. "CAN I KEEP HEES RADIO BOOM BOX DEVICE EEF HEE DIES?!" he grunts. Saddler grabs the chubby-faced little man by the cheeks and gives him a shake. "No." Saddler states firmly, and gives him a second shake. "NO."

Alexia rolls her eyes and gestures aloofly with her hand. "Ok ok, happy trails, go get 'em, have a nice TRIP see ya next FALL!" With that, she yanks the launching mechanism with devilish fervor. Alfred Ashford screams horrendously as he is flung through the air-

-and slams into a stone wall.

"OOOooohhhh," Saddler yells, cringing. Salazar runs off to Alfred's bedroom to grab his radio.

Alexia turns around, doing a double-take at the sight of her brother's mangled body sliding painfully down the wall. "Oh for.. ADJUST THE CATAPULT. VOLLEY TWO."

We cut to outside the castle. Alfred's broken, bleeding body is sent careening through a window, and sails off towards the horizon.

**ooo**

Albert C. Wesker soars down the road on his Kawasaki motorbike. His thirty-foot long trenchcoat flaps behind him, knocking down houses and street lamps. Up ahead, he sees his former comrades' bus and behind it, the Umbrella mercs. "I HAVE YOU NOW," Wesker roars, and speeds up, popping one hell of a wheelie.

**ooo**

"What do we do what do we do what do we do?!" Brad screams, and quickly passes out. Sherry runs up to the front of the bus and attempts to wrap her arms around Anthony's leg, despite him screaming "NOOOO! NOOOOOOO! NNNOOOOOOOOO!!"

Barry hunches over and starts psyching himself up for the inevitable conflict. Billy is writing a love letter to Rebecca. Chris is sweating profusely and clutching the wheel like a pro. Leon is taking a headcount of the group, as per Claire and Jill's agreed upon order.

"SPEED UP!" William shouts to the front of the bus. Chris pushes his foot down on the gas. Annette is crushed against her seat. "NO NOT THAT FAST, SLOW DOWN!" she cries. Chris slams his foot on the brake.

The bus goes into a horrendous fishtail, tires squealing and passengers yelling. Leon is still trying to get that headcount, and Ada is remaining eerily calm- until Steve stumbles over and crashes into her. "Get. Off. Me." Ada states firmly, over the sound of wailing passengers and bursting tires. "YOU get off me!" Steve retorts, trying not to pee himself in fright.

Amidst the screaming and squealing and chaos, Chris Redfield does his best to control the out-of-control bus. The ocean is coming up fast.. "NOT INTO THE DRINK!" Chris screams. Jill covers his eyes for him. Sherry squeezes her eyes shut, pleading out loud "I DON'T WANNA DIE A VIRGIN!" Anthony slaps one hand over his face while his other hand grips an overhead handle. "YOU WILL DIE A VIRGIN IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DON'T DO," he shouts from the bottom of his heart.

The collective cries of the passengers trail off to silence as the bus slows to a crawl, and then stops atop the sandy beach.

A moment of silence passes. Claire sits up in her seat, uncovering her head. "…Well, that wasn't so b-"

All of a sudden, Carlos, Hunk, and Krauser slam into the back of the bus in their Power Wheels jeeps. Jill stumbles forward somewhat violently, grabbing the dashboard and Chris's shoulder to steady herself. She stands up and straightens her beret with one hand, glaring out the windshield. "What in the HELL was THAT?!"

Wesker's motorcycle slams into the back of Carlos and co's jeeps. And explodes. The crew of the bus is flung about the cabin yet again, like ragdolls in a ball pit. Except the balls are grenades.

Several moments of silence pass by this time.

Alfred's body bounces off the roof of the bus with an audible 'donk' before hitting the sand.

The ocean gently laps at the shore, and a seagull or two squawks/poops.

Then, the doors of the bus pop open with a hiss, and Jill Valentine's body is flung out onto the sand. She faceplants, her heels jumping into the air and hovering over her for a moment before dropping with a thud.

"Uuugh my frickin' HEEEAAAD," she mutters, sitting up and wiping sand off of her face.

A booted foot slams vengefully down onto the sand before her. Jill glares like a champ, clenching her teeth HARD as she slooooowly looks up to see who it is.

It is Carlos.

He is aiming a Big Gigantic Handgun down at her face. His Spanish hair blows in the ironically calm sea breeze. "Say hello to your great grandfather for me, senorita," Carlos grumbles mannishly. He then coolly cocks the hammer of his enormous pistola and prepares to make Face Salad out of Jill's fine cabeza.

Thinking fast, our heroine snaps her hand up, thumb pointed skyward and index finger extended. "BANG BANG YOU'RE DEAD," she shouts. Carlos stumbles back immediately, dropping his gun and clutching his estomago. "AY, MI MADRE. MI ABUELLA," he grunts Spanishly, coughing in an overdramatic fashion. "AGH. YOU HAVE SHOT ME AND I AM DEFEATED. AVENGE ME, MY BROTHERS. AVENGE….meeeeehhhh…" Carlos sinks to his knees, briefly singing a Spanish requiem for the dead and pretending to play a little drum before slumping faux lifelessly to the sand.

Jill sheds a fake tear and then backflips sluggishly to her feet. "It ought to take him three point five minutes to realize that he is not. Actually. Dead," she states into her handheld recorder. Meanwhile, (most) everyone else is recovering.

Billy groans in feigned agony, and reaches out to grab a handful of Rebecca buttcheek. Unfortunately, the ass that he ends up groping belongs to Steve. Steve, meanwhile, is concussed enough to believe that it is Claire who is manhandling him. "Oh Claire," he titters, "your hands are so mannish and big, like an ex-marine's."

Leon and Anthony sit up, rubbing their heads and grimacing similarly. "You ok?" Leon asks. "Still in one piece!" Anthony responds wryly. Claire slaps him on the back of the head.

Ada climbs down from the ceiling and shakes Barry awake, who inadvertently squirts her in the face with his water pistol. He receives a slap of his own. Unfortunately, this knocks him unconscious again.

Brad and Ashley are fighting over who gets to hide in the bathroom.

Chris is clinging to the steering wheel, yanking it this way and that as if the bus were still moving. Jill climbs aboard and tenderly peels his fingers off of the wheel.

The Birkins are faring rather well, considering what disaster has befallen the group. William, in a shocking display of care, is tending to a black eye that Annette has received from a nasty bump. Annette yelps in pain and swats his hand away angrily. William huffs in dejected shock and backhands her, giving her another black eye in the process. Sherry has stowed herself within one of the seats. Realizing that they are out of danger, she pops up, covered in bits of stuffing.

After a bit of work and some elbow grease, Jill manages to herd everyone onto a nice quiet spot on the beach. Carlos wakes up for a second, but Jill quickly tells him that he's dreaming. The misguided Spanish enemy lets his head fall back to the sand. Wesker, Alfred, Hunk, and Krauser are still out cold.

"Ok I say we make a break for it," Chris strategizes, striking the air with both hands in a very 'chop chop get her done' fashion. This impresses a few people, but largely the group is skeptical.

"That's almost a good plan," Billy begins, stroking his baby-smooth face, "except I don't know how far we're gonna get by swimming." The ex-marine gestures towards the vast pacific ocean, which greets them rhythmatically with pretty big waves. The group collectively furrows their brows in thought.

Suddenly, Annette stomps up to Chris. She slaps a sticky note to Chris's chest. "Here, read this," she mutters, and then stomps away again.

Chris stares after her in that classic Chris Redfield bewildered fashion, plucking the note off of his chest somewhat clumsily. He clears his throat and reads. "Meat. Pasta. Eggs. Laundry detergent. Fabric softene-"

"-AFTER THAT!!" Annette screams.

Chris skips down a few lines. He squints. "Uh. Then it's just the lyrics to Queen's 'Don't Stop Me Now'."

Jill reaches over helpfully and flips the note around.

"OH!" Chris exclaims. He begins reading in a run-on, monotone voice. "'Tie all the girls together except Annette their boobs will keep us afloat for approximately f(x)=-b/square root of 7.." he rambles off the rest of a mathematical equation and then lowers the note. Everyone is just staring at him in disbelief. Annette looks smug. A breeze blows by.

"Well I'm sold," Steve pipes up, and starts for Claire. "Claire come here I have to tie your boobs up."

He abruptly turns and walks straight away from her as she nonchalantly aims her pistol at him.

Ashley steps forward, striking an angry pose with her hands on her hips and everything. "This is SO ridiculous! A girl's ballistics don't have anything to do with her standing!"

Meanwhile, Rebecca is attempting to disprove Annette's equation, and Anthony is covering his eyes at the absurdity of the very idea that had been proposed.

William is pointing at his watch and yelling about the time, Chris and Billy are repeatedly telling William to shut up, Leon is cycling through his one-liners to see if any fit the situation, Claire is telling everyone that she needs incendiary ammo for her crossbow, Ada is humming extremely loudly, Steve is yelling just to add his noise to the din, Jill is rubbing her temples, and Barry is frantically aiming his water pistol around, not sure what to do. Sherry is _very_ angrily kicking up sand.

"STOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!" a shrill (not Alfred shrill, though) voice screams. Everyone does so, and stares in utter bewilderment at who had yelled.

Brad Vickers stands before them, panting a little.

"You can borrow my submarine," he states timidly but clearly.

* * *

_Author's note: Ok, basically I'm just trying to finish this before I die. As always, I am very grateful to all readers, new and old! I hope that you will continue to be entertained. Also, I titled this one as chapter 23 so that the numbers would match up on the site._

_Off camera, Steve was glomped by ObsCure2, and Wesker dressed himself as a cake. Salazar held a small Hannah Montana concert, but it was prematurely ended by a flame strike from Alexia._

_NEXT TIME, ON RESIDENT EVIL: SUPER QUEST – WHY DOES BRAD SUDDENLY HAVE A SUBMARINE? WILL IT GET THE HEROES TO JAPAN SO THAT THEY CAN BUY RE5 (WHICH HAS BEEN OUT FOR SOME TIME NOW)? AND WHERE THE HECK ARE NEMESIS AND HIS BAND OF MERRY MONSTER MEN?!_

…_IS ALFRED DEAD?_

_I MEAN SERIOUSLY, HE WAS SMASHED INTO A WALL AND THEN FLUNG ACROSS THE COUNTRY BY A CATAPULT. HE LANDED ON THE ROOF OF THAT BUS AND PROBABLY BROKE EVERY BONE IN HIS BODY._

…

_FIND OUT NEXT TIME! AND FOR PETE'S SAKE, I'LL TRY NOT TO TAKE AN ENTIRE YEAR TO UPDATE._


	24. Into The Drink!

**Chapter Twenty-four: Into The Drink!**

"That's right, my pokerface!" Brad announces triumphantly. "...I mean my submarine," he corrects.

"Muh muh muh," Barry mumbles, earning a slap to the back of the head from like three different people at once.

Chris shoves both thumbs up in the air. "Brad, I approve. Do us a favor and be useful for once in your wretched, pitiful life."

Brad half-smiles, unsure of how to feel about that comment. Nevertheless, he does as he is told and prepares to summon his submarine. The group watches in slightly sweaty silence as the S.T.A.R.S. member with the yellow vest of gold reaches down to retrieve an ordinary-looking conch shell from the sand.

"Heh.. Lord of the Flies," Rebecca whispers, nudging Anthony with her elbow. He grins like a dork who understands a somewhat obscure reference.

"Nerds," Sherry scoffs, kicking some more sand around. Some gets on William's shoe, and he quietly scolds his daughter.

Meanwhile, Brad has brushed off the conch and is now holding it to his lips. After pulling in an impressive amount of air through his nose, the Alpa team pilot blows into the curved shell as hard as he can. A tremendous sound blasts forth, trumpeting across the beach and the sea beyond.

Everyone covers their ears in surprise, wide-eyed and not a little freaked. Ashley sits back on her haunches and howls wretchedly.

As the monstrous tone fades away, Brad lowers the shell. Breathless and red-cheeked, like a little boy on Christmas morning who had just run downstairs, he peers out over the ocean, waiting..

"This is stupid, I'm going home," Billy grunts impatiently, and starts walking away. As he walks, he looks back to the others and notices that no one cares. Billy sulks horribly and returns to the group.

"BEHOLD!" Brad cries, his voice breaking like a pre-teen's. "LEVIATHAN!"

The group gasps as an enormous submarine breaks the surface of the sea beyond the wake of crashing waves. 'Vickers Is Quickers' is painted on the side. Brad looks like he is going to cry with pride. Chris looks a little weirded-out, but is grateful nonetheless. "OK well, uh, this...is an unexpected but fortunate turn of events."

Brad turns and looks at Chris, beaming with strange joy. Chris just glances at him a couple of times, trying to hold a smile. Jill elbows Chris. The Alpha team lead sighs. "Thanks Brad," he mutters.

"I can't HEAAAR YOOOU!" Brad squeals.

"I SAID 'THANKS, BRAD'!" Chris screams. Brad jumps three feet in the air and immediately begins yanking his vest off.

"Why is he doing that," Claire asks in abject monotone horror.

"Please tell me that's all he'll be taking off," Ada adds.

Brad tosses the vest onto the beach, where it suddenly inflates into a life raft. The group is more or less dumbfounded. "We...we can use this to get to the sub," Brad stammers, playing with the wrinkles on his now exposed 'Kiss The Cop' t-shirt.

"...Right," Chris breaks the silence, gesturing with clear-cut arm motions. "Everyone climb in and let's get this show on the...ocean."

And so it begins. Everyone scrambles to get in line for the best seats, even though it's just a life raft.

Brad Vickers stands before his vest/raft, meekly assigning seats as the group gets ready to file on board.

Chris Redfield and Jill Valentine are in the front of the line, Chris saluting proudly while Jill breakdances. Brad waves awkwardly and ushers them aboard. Billy Coen and Barry Burton are next in line, Billy plugging his ears while Barry attempts to talk to him about gun safety and beard grooming. Leon Kennedy and Claire Redfield are up next. "Your right hand comes OFF?" Leon states randomly. Claire just squints in confusion at him. Behind them stand Ada Wong and Steve Burnside. Steve can't seem to keep his eyes off of Claire's behind. Ada decks him. William and Annette Birkin stand behind them, discussing the inherent design flaws of a vessel that was intended to be submerged below seawater. Ashley Graham and Sherry Birkin are next in line. They're just standing there barking at each other. And finally, bringing up the rear, are Rebecca Chambers and Anthony Mihovich. The two rookie team members, field medic and...coffee boy, quietly discuss...medicine and coffee? "A tourniquet is used as a last resort," Rebecca explains. "Never leave the coffee pot on overnight," Anthony notes. "Barry hates that."

Eventually, everyone makes it on board the raft. It is extremely cramped, especially for fifteen people. Hands are sat upon, names are called, and feelings are hurt. Chris struggles to stand up, waving his hands to get everyone's attention. Jill frowns and tries to ignore the fact that his butt is pressed against the back of her head. "Ok, everyone calm down, we're going to get underway in just a second here! Brad, if you please."

Brad toots ceremoniously on his conch shell and begins paddling over the side of the raft with one hand. The overcrowded vest raft moves off of the shore at a painfully slow rate of speed.

**ooo**

Meanwhile, three figures are coming OUT of the water, slogging their way onto the shore a slight distance away. Marcus, Morpheus, and Nemesis, soaked to the bone and breathing hard, all collapse onto their hands and knees in the sand. Morpheus pulls some seaweed off of him, making a face as he heaves with exhaustion. Even the mighty Nemesis is huffing and grunting. Marcus pukes up a leech or two.

"I never...want to...do that...again," the robed villain states between vomiting, silently thanking Morpheus with a thumbs-up as the female tyrant...man...thingy...holds back his comrade's long hair. Nemesis groans in agreement. "Staaaarrrsss..."

All three villains look up at the same time, just to see the group of heroes heading out to sea.

A moment of shocked silence passes. The sea breeze whooshes by.

Morpheus lifts his eyepatch, staring at the unbelievable sight. "No way. No FREAKING way."

Marcus frowns heavily, his eyes widening. "Are...are you SERIOUS?"

Nemesis actually starts crying.

"I am not going back out there," Marcus states firmly. "I don't CARE if our enemies have taken to the sea; there is ABSOLUTELY _NO WAY _THAT I AM LEAVING THIS BEACH."

Just then, the communicator buzzes. The ringtone is 'Punch My Fat Homie' by Home Boy G-Man Dawg. "Oh no," Morpheus groans.

Nemesis clicks the 'receive' button, and Alexia's beautiful screaming face appears on the video monitor. "GO BACK INTO THE OCEAN! NOW!" she bellows. "FOLLOW THEM! SEEK! SEEK!"

The gigantic bio-weapon known as Nemesis begins shaking with fury, and he bellows right back at the screen. Alexia is taken aback by this, and actually draws away in wide-eyed shock.

"YOU TELL HER, CAPTAIN NEMMY!" Morpheus cheers. One of Marcus's leeches climbs onto Nemesis's shoulder and begins barking at the screen as well.

"WHAT?" Alexia shrieks. "HOW _DARE _YOU RAISE YOUR VOICES AGAINST ME! AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOU!"

Nemesis throttles the communicator, snarling viciously. "STAAARS."

Marcus leans forward to speak to their bold and beautiful leader. "Nemesis is quite right. You've run us completely ragged, Alexia. We could have DIED out there in the ocean!"

"TOTALLY!" Morpheus adds, flashing a gang sign.

Alexia is silent for a full ten grueling, tension-bloated seconds. In those ten seconds, our motley crew begins to sweat. It is the sort of awkward silence which takes place after a five-year-old bonks its knee and is about to cry.

The fierce woman draws a gigantical breath through her nose... and then begins screaming louder than she has ever screamed before, ever. "**YOU PATHETIC NUMBSKULLS WILL DIE A NUMBSKULL'S DEATH AT MY BARE AND BLOODY HANDS IF YOU DO NOT TURN ABOUT AND GO FORTH INTO THAT OCEAN."**

Her tyrannical tirade is short but pants-soilingly horrifying. Nemesis, Morpheus, and Marcus are left quivering in their boots (actually I think Nemmy is the only one who actually has any footwear).

"Y-y-yes, Lady Alexia," Marcus whimpers timidly, wringing his robe.

"As you say, L-l-lady Alexia," Morpheus stammers, shaking with fear.

"S-S-S-Staaars," Nemesis mumbles meekly, sniffling.

Alexia nods so hard that she nearly snaps her neck. "GOOD. AND IF I CATCH YOU IDIOTS WHINING TO ME AGAIN, I WILL HAVE ALFRED PUT YOU ALL IN DRESSES." With that, she ends the communication.

The three stooges turn slowly and look out to the sea, where The Good Guys' submarine is just vanishing beneath the depths. All three sigh heavily...and then trudge into the surf.

"I hate my life," Marcus half-whispers melodically, staring at nothing as his leeches grunt and squeak alongside him.

"Me, too," Morpheus adds, sloshing into the bitter ocean.

Nemesis sighs a final time as the water rises above their heads. "Staaaarrr-blrlblrlbb..."

**ooo**

Albert F. Wesker lays face-down on the beach, chewing on sand. "Mmmm," he grumbles, crunching away. "Pancakes." Suddenly, he begins to choke. The sharp coughing wakes him up, and he immediately begins to spit out all the sand he'd been eating. "AH JEEZ WHAT THE HECK, _WHAT_ THE HECK," Wesker yells between wheezing gasps/coughs. He jumps to his feet, breathing hard. What had happened? Where was he?

"Of course," he monologues, (Does that count as monologue? Everyone else there is unconscious.) "I was knocked out by the explosion of my awesome bike slamming into the back of Chris's bus." Wesker flappy-flaps his trenchy-wenchy like a big boy should, and surveys the scene. The weird conglomeration of good guys has vanished. All that remains on the beach are himself, Krauser, Hunk, Carlos, and... Alfred.

"Euh-h-h-h-.." Wesker shudders as he eyes the unconscious Ashford. "Get up," he grunts, kicking Alfred in the ribs.

"OWWIES!" the other other blonde man shrieks, curling into a ball. "I'm broken and battered! Save me, dear sweet sister!" Just then, a small t.v. screen rises on an extending metal rod out of Alfred's breast pocket. Alexia's face appears on the screen. "NO." she yells. The screen turns off and goes back into his pocket.

Alfred sits up, sniveling pathetically and brushing sand off of his weird Napoleon suit. Meanwhile, the others are beginning to come around. "Aye yai yai, what happened?" Carlos wonders aloud, reflexively combing his hair.

"Ugh," Krauser grunts mannishly, sitting up as well. Hunk echoes this grunt as he too regains consciousness.

Wesker sighs and throws away his sunglasses, then puts on a new pair. "Glad you all could make it. My name is Wesker Z. Wesker, and I'll be your host for this evening's show."

Everyone just stares at him, no less bewildered than they had been two seconds ago.

"Oh boy, a show?" Alfred finally pipes up, looking sort of hopeful/frightened. "What's the name of the show?"

Wesker grins furiously. "The name of the show is YOU ALL ARE GOING TO HELP ME HUNT DOWN CHRIS REDFIELD AND HIS BAND OF MORONS, SKIN THEM WITH A PLASTIC SOUP SPOON, AND STEAL RESIDENT EVIL 5 FROM THEM."

Everyone except for Hunk, Krauser, and Carlos shrinks away from Wesker. ...Ok I guess that means just Alfred shrinks away from Wesker.

Anyway.

"Didn't that game come out like...a year ago?" Carlos speculates.

"Yeah, it went Gold Edition recently," Hunk adds.

"SHUT UP-A YOUR FACES," Wesker screams Italianishly, gesturing dynamically with his hands.

Krauser runs up to him suddenly, throwing himself to his knees and blushing. "Wesker, I love you and I will help you do ANYTHING," he screams, and actually starts crying.

Wesker half-heartedly shoves him away while making an 'ew, icky' face. "Get off me," he mutters. "In any case, I figure you dopes are probably going after them anyway, so you might as well do it right and follow good old Wesker. All in favor, raise your hands."

Krauser raises both of his hands so fast that he actually hyperextends his elbows, snapping both his arms. He falls to the beach, screaming hysterically. Hunk and Carlos glance at each other, shrug, and raise their hands.

Alfred staunchly refuses, folding his arms across his chest and puffing his cheeks out while shaking his head rapidly. Alexia's t.v. screen pops of his pocket. "SAY YES, FUDGE-FOR-BRAINS!" she screams. Alfred winces and begins nodding his head while timidly raising a hand.

Wesker stares at his new crew. Then he smirks. Then...he begins to chuckle beneath his breath.

The chuckle slowly transforms into laughter...a laughter so vile that the very air darkens. Wesker's laughter grows in volume and evil, carrying across the vast oceans. Echo, fade to black, all that good stuff.

**ooo**

"And we're on our way!" Brad announces. Everyone crowds around him in the front cabin as he navigates the submarine through the briny deep.

A moment of uncomfortable silence passes.

"Um," Ada begins, shifting amidst the horde of people, "we probably don't ALL have to be in here."

Chris nods three and a half times. "The Chinese double-agent is right. Brad, do you have like...bedrooms and stuff on this thing?"

Brad spins around in his captain's chair and cocks his yacht captain's hat at a jaunty angle. He is definitely in his element here. Somehow. "Aye-aye, Chris!" he shouts, making everyone wince. "Down the main corridor you'll find BEDROOOOOMS and BATHROOOOOOMS and STUUUUUFF and-" he stops abruptly as he notices that everyone has rapidly fled the cabin, leaving it hauntingly empty. Brad shrugs, spins around in his chair again, and grabs the wheel as he stares out the viewport at the sea beyond. The ping of radar and his own wretchedly shrill sea shanties fill the cabin from then on.

Meanwhile, everyone has taken to finding a room. Chris, Barry, Billy, and Leon decide to cohabit a room with two sets of bunkbeds. Chris immediately tucks and rolls into the room, coming up on one knee and violently brandishing his gun this way and that. Billy shoves past him and flops down onto a bed to catch some z's. Leon climbs onto a top bunk and starts fussing with his blankets. Barry is freaking out about whether he should clean his water pistol or groom his beard.

Further down the hall, the others make their rooming arrangements as well. Ada and Claire pick a room, enter it, and are followed by Ashley and then Steve. The door closes. A moment later, the door opens again and Steve walks out, with Claire holding a gun to the back of his head. Claire then pries Sherry off of Anthony's leg, dragging her- kicking and screaming- into the room before closing the door again.

"YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!" Steve wails to Claire, banging on the door from the outside.

"I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU KNOW," Sherry wails to Anthony, banging on the door from the inside.

"Aww," Annette coos, clasping her hands together and holding them to her cheek. "Sherry misses us already." She then cups her hands around her mouth and calls out, "Have fun at your sleepover, Sherrykins!"

" F(car horn)CK YOU, MOM!" Sherry screams in response. Annette grins obliviously, and leads her husband to a room across the cramped submarine corridor. William rolls his eyes with a 'please kill me soon' look and follows her.

This leaves Rebecca, Anthony, and Steve standing in the hallway. Steve is expressing himself by weeping pathetically. Rebecca is eating some gummy worms. Anthony is intensely staring off at nothing.

Rebecca swallows the remains of a gummy worm and looks to Anthony. "So...I guess it's just you and me, huh?" she speculates.

"AND ME!" Steve shrieks, breaking a mirror somewhere.

Rebecca looks horrified. "Um, oh my gosh!" she exclaims suddenly. "Linkin Park is on tour at the furthest point away from us in this submarine!"

Steve gapes in shock, his eyes widening. "I CAN'T GET THERE _FAST_ ENOUGH!" he cries joyfully, before running off down the corridor.

Rebecca blows out a sigh of relief, wiping her forehead off with the back of her hand. "Good riddance to bad rubbish," she guffaws. Then, turning to Anthony, she begins staring uncomfortably at him.

Three and a half minutes pass in that otherwise empty subway corridor. Finally, Anthony speaks. "Ok, I'll bite. What's on your mind?" he queries, trying to lean coolly against a wall but nearly falling over.

Rebecca smiles almost wider than is humanly possible. "A modest proposal," she answers.

Anthony squints in distaste. "I don't think the situation is dire enough to justify resorting to cannibalism," he mumbles.

The young field medic shakes her head in confusion, regarding him with a 'guh?' stare. "Huh? No, I was talking about stuff we could do in the room that we will obviously be sharing." She pauses, nudging him with her elbow. "Alone." Again she nudges. "Together."

"Stop nudging me," Anthony complains in a soft tone. He straightens up, raising one eyebrow in wonderment. "Of what stuff do you speak?"

Rebecca, in the middle of adjusting her trousers, stops to look up at him. "Well, we could either grow mold spores in a controlled environment using a mini fridge and a half a box of expired doughnuts-" Anthony makes a face at this, waving his hand dismissively, "-or," the cutsie-poo up-and-coming biologist continues, "we could feverishly make out under the covers."

Anthony spits up a mouthful of coffee, sputtering for a moment before wiping his mouth off and staring in disbelief at Rebecca. She just shrugs at him with sort of a 'what is wrong with you' look on her face.

"Uh," the rookie S.T.A.R.S. member checks his watch all of a sudden.

"What's wrong?" Rebecca asks.

Anthony looks up at her. "Huh? Oh, nothing. I'm just not sure how much more of this self-serving bullcrap the readers are going to be able to take."

Rebecca nods understandingly. "I see. Well, we could always just cut to black and leave it up to their imagination. That way, you're completely blameless."

Anthony cocks his head hard enough to crack his neck. "Completely?"

"No," Rebecca responds. "Anyway, let's go mumble mumble mumble."

"Sounds good to me!" Anthony exclaims. They high-five and awkwardly walk off-camera.

* * *

_Author's Note: Alright, I managed to update (comparatively) quickly! Oh my gosh, Wesker has organized a new crew and HE'S MAD AS HELL/NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE. But how will he get to the good guys? They're UNDER WATER. Speaking of which, what's Nemesis up to with HIS crew? Additionally, how will the good guys pass the time on their little submarine ride? Can love bloom in an underwater battlefield? Things are getting close, folks! FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT TIME._


	25. The Lonely Crowded Sub

**Chapter Twenty-five: The Lonely Crowded Sub**

**

* * *

**

"WHAT DO WE WANT?" Chris screams.

"FOOD!" Jill, Claire, Billy, and Barry shout in reply.

"WHEN DO WE WANT IT?" Chris bellows, marching around.

"IN MY TUMMY!" Barry yells.

Everyone stops and looks at him.

"No, Barry," Chris corrects, rubbing his forehead, "it's 'WHEN', not 'WHERE'."

The bearded S.T.A.R.S. officer lowers his head in shame. "I'm sorry," he whispers.

Chris shakes his head. "Alright alright, let's take it from the top." He sucks in a deep breath. "WHAT DO WE WANT?"

"J-"

"MAGAZINES!" Claire bellows furiously.

Chris does a double-take, staring in bewildered rage at her.

"I think we need a break," Jill sighs, leaning against a wall and fanning herself with her beret.

"I'll say," Billy agrees, sulking about in general.

Barry spins his water gun with one hand, eagerly/nervously peering down the submarine corridor. "It's been two hours since we sent the others for food. Do you think they're..." he hesitates, cringing, "...dead?"

Billy shoots him an exasperated look. "Yeah, Barry. They're dead."

Barry immediately starts screaming, grabbing the sides of his face in horror. The others watch him as he slowly lowers himself to his knees one at a time, still screaming, and then promptly passes out.

Chris stares down at his friend. "Ok."

Suddenly, a shadow appears at the end of the corridor and begins staggering towards our heroes. Jill, Claire, Billy, and Chris all aim their weapons with hardcore bravado, taking no chances.

Barry's arm snaps up, aiming his watergun even though he's still unconscious.

"SHOW YOURSELF," Chris infuriates, a mixture of saliva and sweat pouring off of his face.

Sherry Birkin stumbles into view, slowly lowering a spoon as if she had just been aiming it at them. Her eyes are heavy-lidded and she looks like she's dead on her feet. "G...G-virus..." the girl mutters, and then collapses to the floor.

"Holy CRAP! SHERRY!" Claire squeals in anguish.

Suddenly, Sherry pops onto her feet, smiling like sunshine. "Ah I'm just f(clown nose)ckin' with ya'll," she guffaws, waving a hand dismissively.

Everyone sighs in relief and lowers their guns. Claire marches over furiously. "SHERRY ELIZABETH BIRKIN," she shouts, manhandling Sherry by the arm, who makes a pouty mad face in protest. "YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO FAKE YOUR OWN DEATH." Claire gives the girl a firm shake for good measure, and then releases her.

"Jeez SOOOORRY," Sherry groans, rubbing her arm. Claire kneels down and gives her a giant huggy wuggy, causing the girl to grunt as the air is crushed out of her lungs.

"Just don't do it again," the ponytailed woman sniffles.

"Yeah anyway," Sherry proceeds, worming her way out of Claire's arms, "what's the haps? Where's the peeps? Did they find any pizza rolls? I LOVE pizza rolls."

"No," Chris sighs dejectedly. "No pizza rolls."

Billy scoffs, kicking himself in the butt. "Not even so much as a hamwinky."

"What?" Sherry exclaims. "Nothing? Oh come on!" She gestures dramatically with her arms, looking to the others. They all turn away in shame. "C-...come oooon, aw NUTS." The young Birkin resorts to kicking a wall with her sneaker. Billy joins her.

Meanwhile, Jill confronts Chris. "She's right, Chris. We need a plan. And FAST. Has anyone tried contacting Brad?"

"Yeah," Chris responds, scratching his head with a pencil. "It's no good. He's locked himself in the navigation room and he's playing the soundtrack to 'Titanic' on repeat at the highest volume."

Jill slaps her forehead, wincing. "Ugh. I just hope he knows where we're going. If we don't reach Japan soon, RE5 shall doubtlessly fall into the hands of villains."

Billy walks up suddenly, looking grumpy. "Yeah and if Billy doesn't get some EATS soon, he's gonna EAT YOUR FACE."

"SHUT UP," Claire shouts suddenly, getting all up in his grill.

"YOUR MOM SHUTS UP," Billy retorts. Sherry kicks him in the shin helpfully, and he goes down hard.

"GUYS CUT IT OUT," Chris screeches manfully. "This is just what THEY want us to do."

Billy scoffs from his sitting position on the floor. "I...I'm sorry," he mumbles.

"Me too," Claire grumps, rubbing her cheek. After a moment, she rubs her entire face in frustration and clomps around unceremoniously. Finally, she makes a decision. "Come on, Sherry. Let's go catch up with the others. I get the feeling they need backup."

"Agreed," the lil' blonde responds, hopping onto Claire's back. The two of them vanish into the unforgiving shadows.

Chris sighs uncontrollably. "Our only hope is to hold out until Leon and co. return with food to sustain us for the rest of the journey..."

**ooo**

"Leon...I'm scared!" Ashley mumbles, refusing to let go of Leon's leg.

The grizzled and yet still quite beautiful-for-a-man ex-cop halts, and wipes a hand over his face. "Ashley," he addresses with strained politeness, "you wouldn't have to be so scared if we were moving faster."

The timid twenty-something blonde bombshell of a president's daughter slowly cranes her head back to stare, doe-eyed, up at her savior. "Huh?"

Claire walks up beside Leon and stoops down to crouch beside Ashley. "Ashley," she whispers.

Ashley looks at her. "Buh?"

Claire gives her a big 'Hey there, champ' smile. "We would move faster if you would let go of Leon's leg."

They share a long moment of silence. Meanwhile, Ada and Sherry share huffs of exasperation.

Drool actually begins to collect at the corner of Ashley's mouth, and her eyes glaze over.

Claire pinches the bridge of her nose. "Do you even understand the importance of this sub-mission which you have allowed yourself to be dragged along on?" she demands.

The drool spills over the edge of Ashley's lip, dripping to the metal floor. "I donno," she mumbles, cocking her head innocently.

Claire stares hard at her for one more second. Then she slaps her across the face.

"ALRIGHT," the ponytailed woman shouts, standing. Ashley stands also, rubbing her face and pouting like a five-year-old. "Listen," Claire continues. "We need to hurry and find food, and regroup with the others."

"Absolutely," Leon agrees. He licks his finger and checks the air. "I'd say we're...absolutely freaking lost. Our only hope is to-..."

He trails off, narrowing his eyes as the sound of someone chewing fills the corridor.

All eyes turn to Ada. She is tugging on a piece of Fruit Rollup with her teeth. Noticing the stares, Ada quickly shoves the whole thing in her mouth and tries to look innocent.

"Ada," Sherry begins carefully, approaching the woman with raised hands and a ravenous glimmer in her eyes. "...where did you get that delicious snack?"

"Mm-mm," Ada mumbles, shaking her head and backing away from the group.

"Ada Wong," Leon declares, "have you been holding out on us?"

Ada regards him with a wide-eyed glance of deceptive innocence. "Mm-mm," she mumbles again, her cheeks bulging.

"GET 'ER!" Claire screams, and the group tackles Ada.

After a furious three seconds of hair-pulling, name-calling, hurt feelings, and one stiff backhand, the box of fruit rollups is procured and divided amongst the group.

Ada sits in the middle of the floor, sulking wretchedly and pouting here and there, picking at the remains of a plastic wrapper.

Claire munches happily, perhaps a little too happily, on one of the snacks. She looks from one person to the next, uttering weird chewy happy noises and nasally humming random songs as she bounces her heels.

Sherry has already finished her fruit rollup, having devoured it with inhuman ferocity. She is currently attempting to run sideways along the walls.

Leon whips out a knife, carefully rationing his rollup for future use.

Ashley is making out with her rollup.

"Hey, check it out!" Claire exclaims, digging around in the cardboard box that the snacks had come in. She pulls her hand out to reveal several colorful slips of paper. "Temporary tattoos!"

"Give me one of those," Ada demands, holding out her hand. "It's my box anyway."

"'K," Claire concedes, tossing one of the tattoos to the Chinese double/triple agent.

Both women simultaneously lick the papers, slap them to their own foreheads, and then peel the backing off. "Heh," Claire chuckles, crossing her eyes and looking upward.

"Dude," Ada mutters in an awed voice, staring at Claire's forehead. Indeed, the word 'dude' is now printed across the woman's forehead in dark letters. "Nice tattoo."

"Thanks," Claire grins, nodding. "What does it say?"

"Dude," Ada repeats herself. She then gestures excitedly towards her own forehead. "What does _mine _say?"

Sherry raises her eyebrows, chewing idly on the end of one of Leon's rollup bits. Leon turns, also watching the exchange between the women.

"Sweet!" Claire shouts, pointing. Sure enough, the word 'sweet' is printed across Ada's forehead. "What does MINE say?"

"DUDE!" Ada yells, throwing her arms down in a frustrated gesture. "What does _MINE _say?"

Leon raises his index finger, opening his mouth but hesitating. He furrows his brow in confusion as he looks from Claire to Ada and back again.

"SWEET!" Claire yells in reply, getting in Ada's face now, her smile gone. "WHAT DOES _MINE _SAY?"

"_DUDE._" Ada screams, furiously enunciating her words as she glares straight into Claire's eyes. "WHAT. DOES MINE. _SAY._"

"Ghgr-" the two women suddenly jump on each other and tumble to the ground, wrestling and grabbing frantically.

Sherry jumps to her feet. "WILL YOU TWO _MORONS _CUT IT OUT?" She stomps over, grabbing Claire and Ada respectively by the collars and pulling them apart, red-faced and panting. "LISTEN," the twelve-year-old shouts. She points a straightened hand at Claire. "YOUR tattoo says 'DUDE'," she explains, then gesturing to Ada. "And YOUR tattoo says 'SWEET', OK? JEEZ." Throwing her hands up in abandonment, Sherry walks away from them in a huff.

"Oh." Ada wipes her forehead off with the back of her sleeve. "Ok."

"Right," Claire chirps, hopping to her feet. "Anyway, that was a nice little pick-me-up. Shall we keep moving?"

Leon affirms this movement with a nod. "Um, yes. Let's." He turns, nudging Ashley with his boot. She looks up from her intense makeout session with the fruit rollup, her face covered in sticky syrup. "Muh?" she grunts. Leon twists his face in disgust. "Ugh," he mutters, leading the way down the corridor once again. "Somebody get her a wet-nap."

**ooo**

Meanwhile, in The Cave Of Wonders, Aladdin searches for the Genie's lamp.

**ooo**

In other news, elsewhere on the submarine, Annette is worried about her little Sherry-werry. "William," she scolds outwardly, pacing like a madman fresh out of sedatives. The male Dr. Birkin ignores her. Annette stops. She slams her fists down by her sides, hard, hard enough to crack her shoulders. "WILLIAAA-AAAAM!" she screeches horrifically. The mirror in their room shatters into eight thousand pieces. Twelve miles away, a dog howls.

William looks up from his Monthly Biochemist Magazine. "What." he states flatly.

Annette breathes really hard and fast in and out of her cute little button nose. "I'm worried about our daughter," she explains, her voice shaking. One of her eyes starts twitching. It wanders slowly aside.

William very slowly raises both eyebrows, while looking away from her, while lifting his magazine once again.

Two seconds later, William slowly lowers the magazine once more. Annette is grinning psychotically, her pupils the size of periods, as she holds a 9mm handgun to her husband's forehead. Annette reiterates her position. "I mean I'm _REALLY.._" she leans in close, causing William to furrow his brow, "...worried about our daughter."

William beholds his wife in her serial killer-like state. Any normal man would have crapped himself eight times and died by now out of sheer fright. But William, steeled by hours upon hours of late-night lab experiments and old Quiznos subs, remains calm.

"_Go,_" Annette whispers, still smiling, as she gestures with the automatic weapon.

William carefully folds up his magazine and sets it aside, all the while staring quietly at his deranged and unbelievably dangerous wife.

Twelve seconds later, the door to their room opens and he steps out into the hall. The door closes once again, leaving him in isolation.

William despairingly flaps his arms against his sides, shaking his head. "How do I let her talk me into these things?"

After a few moments of sighing, the good scientist begins his quest to find Sherry.

**ooo**

"FASTER!" Albert F. Wesker demands, his chiseled abs glistening. Krauser H. Krauser nods frantically, wheezing like a geriatric as he pedals. "More olive oil," Wesker mumbles aside, and Alfred quickly wields a paintbrush, slathering the man's abs with the shiny substance.

The naked overhead bulb of the cramped mini-sub wobbles and sways, casting harsh shadows through the semi-circular cabin. Outside the single two-foot-thick window can be seen fishies and whalies and all manner of sea life...ies.

"It's a good thing you found this rickety piece of garbage just sitting on the beach," Hunk grunts, lightning another cigarette as he pedals the second stationary bike.

"Man," Carlos adds, reclining on a hammock at the back of the cabin, "that old woman sure did put up a heck of a fight for it though."

Krauser falls off of his bike suddenly, collapsing onto the floor in a panting, groaning, sweating heap of man meat. "I can't...pedal...anymore," he whimpers.

Wesker sighs in dismay. "Hunk, pedal twice as fast."

"'K," the Umbrella black ops agent grunts, and easily picks up the pace.

Struggling to sit up, Krauser regards his COMRADE with an awed/annoyed glance. "How on earth...can you smoke...AND pedal that fast?"

Hunk just smirks and flicks the cigarette butt away. Alfred shrieks as it lands on his leg, swatting frantically at it. "Well," Hunk begins, "I stick to a strict diet of broccoli and fish heads." He lights another ciggy. "Also, I run like eighty miles a day and whatnot." He glances aside at Krauser. "How 'bout you?"

Krauser flops onto his back, still panting. "I eat uh..." he trails off, thinking for a moment. Hunk just watches him, waiting for an answer while he continues peddling. After a moment, he realizes that Krauser has begun snoring.

"Periscope up!" Wesker demands. The hunt for Red October Brad's submarine continues.

**

* * *

**

_NEXT TIME, ON DRAGONBALL Z RESIDENT EVIL: SUPERQUEST – Will the good guys find some food before they starve to death? Does Brad even know how to get to Japan? Will Wesker and co. catch up to them? What the heck happened to Nemesis and co.?_


	26. Carbon based Nutrients

**Chapter Twenty-six: Carbon-based Nutrients**

"Porridge."

Ada Wong stares up at the contents of the monstrous pantry, shaking her head in disbelief. "Twenty-two thousand metric tons of PORRIDGE."

Sherry grabs the sides of her head and does her best impression of the woman screaming in that shower scene from 'Psycho'.

Leon shoves the shrieking pre-teen aside, staring in horror at the multitude of bland-colored boxes. "Please...please tell me there are hamburgers behind the porridge."

Ada chucks a few boxes aside, then a few more, then starts frantically tearing boxes down from the endless stacks, quietly sobbing to herself. "No," she mutters bitterly, stepping away from the towering mass of porridge containers. "...There's...there's nothing but porridge."

Ashley walks forward, 'pff'-ing derisively. "What's the deal, ya big babies?" she snatches up a box off the ground, giving it a sniff-a-roo. "What's so bad about porridge?" As she turns around, she is greeted by cold, silent stares from the group.

Claire squares her jaw confrontationally, her ice-blue eyes full of icy blueness. "You mean to tell me that your mother never cooked you porridge?" she asks, her voice also full of the ice. All the iciness causes Ashley to shift uncomfortably.

Sherry chimes in, suddenly speaking with a Russian accent. "Ven I...ven I vas leetle girl...my mother... she...she cook me de porridge." Sherry's eyes grow misty with a far-off look as she continues. "Every day, she say 'Sherry. Eet de porridge. Ees good for you.'" Sherry glares, clenching her fists. "And she feed me de porridge EVERY DAY, EVERY _DAY _EES NUSSING BUT PORRIDGE, _PORRIDGE, __**PORRIDGE!**_ Aaah.." she falls to her knees, sobbing brokenly. Claire embraces her, shushing her quietly and rubbing her back in quick semi-circles.

"Um," Ashley starts, scratching her arm awkwardly. "That...sucks. I guess I forgot to take into account the fact that I'm the only one here from a ridiculously privileged family. You know. Being the president's daughter and all."

A plastic spoon clatters by her feet.

Ashley looks down at the spoon, frowning. Then she looks back up. Claire gives her a wide, spooky grin. "Dig in."

**ooo**

"JASON!"

"JASON!" The name echoes through the empty sub corridors. William Birkin pokes his head around the corner. He glances left. Right. "…JASON!"

"JASON! JASON!" William walks through the metal halls, peeking into random rooms as he continues to call out. "JASON."

In one room, Billy and Chris are having a discussion. "So then I said-" Suddenly, Birkin walks up to Billy, staring directly at his face. Billy abruptly stops talking, regarding Birkin with a raised eyebrow.

"...JASON."

Billy just follows Birkin with a bewildered stare as the other man quickly walks away again. Suddenly, he calls out to the scientist. "WE'RE NOT SO DIFFERENT, YOU AND I." William waves his hand dismissively, continuing to scream 'JASON' as he turns the corner.

Just then, he bumps into a fuming Annette. "JA- oh hi honey bumpkins," William mutters. Annette regards him with a stone-cold gangstah glare.

"WILLIAM, DO YOU REMEMBER OUR CHILD'S NAME?" she demands.

William snorts, folding his arms across his chest. "Of course, you numbskull. His name is Jason."

Annette's eyes remain unblinking for an uncomfortably long time. William begins to sweat. Someone's hand reaches in from nowhere and pats his brow with a handkerchief.

Annette walks away for a moment. She returns, dragging a blank whiteboard. "Sit down," she commands. William plops down onto his hiney. His wife pulls out a large red marker and draws a stick figure on the board.

William watches her, crunching on graham crackers and noisily slurping down some milk. Finally, Annette finishes her shoddy rendition. She swats the board loudly with a yardstick, causing William to jump in surprise. Some of his milk slops over the rim of the cup, spilling onto his lap. He glances down slowly, making a forlorn pouty face at the mess.

"ACHTUNG," Annette shrieks, striking the board again. Her yardstick breaks in half.

William fumes. "ALRIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!" he screams back, his face turning red as veins bulge.

Annette furiously inhales through her nostrils, looking like she's about to throw her husband into a wall. However, she channels her rage into her impromptu lesson plan and begins pointing at the whiteboard. "SHERRY BIRKIN is OUR DAUGHTER. _SHE _IS A _LITTLE GIRL._" Annette swats the drawing on the board again, focusing on the stick figure's triangle of a skirt. "_**LITTLE. GIRL." **_She holds intense, smoldering eye contact with William, who seems dumbfounded. "_**DAUGHTER."**_

William slowly opens his mouth, furrowing his brow. "Daw. Turr."

Annette gasps suddenly, her face taking on a horrifyingly exaggerated expression of sheer joy. She clasps her hands by her cheek, beaming with happiness. "GOOOOoooood!" she gushes. "Does William want a COOKIE?"

William considers this for a moment. He narrows his eyes, stroking his chin once or twice before answering. "Yes."

Annette pegs him in the forehead with a chocolate chip cookie. "THERE. NOW GO FIND OUR DAUGHTER BEFORE I EVISCERATE YOU."

"OW. FINE." William rubs his forehead as he stands up, snatching the cookie off of the floor and scampering away. Annette follows him with a withering, maternal gaze.

**ooo**

"MAN!" Christopher P. Redfield exclaims, as he shovels another spoonful of porridge into his mouth, "I'm sure glad ya'll found these PORRIDGE RATIONS!" He gives Leon and Claire a big grin, porridge spilling out between the little gaps in his smile.

Claire tosses Chris a gangsta nod. "No problem, BRO," she growls, borrowing a line from Leon and knowingly nudging him in the arm with a wink and a smirk. Leon just rolls his eyes in slow motion and laps at his own bowl of the bland, sticky treat.

Ashley is in the corner, curled up in a ball, weeping in misery. Fresh tears slip through the dried porridge that cakes her mouth. Barry softly consoles her with little squirts of his water pistol onto her hair and nose.

Jill daintily sets aside her now-empty porridge bowl, licks a few remnants off of her lips, and turns to stare at Ada Wong, seated beside her. "Why don't you look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?"

Ada spits up eight mouthfuls of porridge in one violent explosion, and immediately collapses to her side in shrill, blustrous laughter.

Billy wipes Ada's expelled porridge off of the side of his face.

Steve is back with the crew. Seated next to Billy, he was shielded from the projectile porridge. He titters half-heartedly at Billy's fate and fiddles with his porridge, secretly wishing that the bowl was Claire and the spoon was his heart or something.

Then, William makes the scene. He shuffles up to the gang, shoulders low and chin tucked downward. His brow is furrowed. He carries a half-deflated red balloon on a string which trails along behind him. "Muh," William scoffs. "Have any of you dimwitted bumpkins seen my sorry excuse for a child prodigy wandering around here?"

Chris shrugs twice with alternating shoulders and puffs his cheeks before expelling a lip-flapping breath. "I dunno, man. She's proooobably dead."

Claire whacks him upside the head. "UNTRUTH," she bellows.

"Humph," Billy grunts. "She's probably with my on-again off-again love interest Rebecca Chambers, and that gratuitous and blatant self-insert Anthony Mihovich."

Again Claire rejects the notion, this time by striking her thighs with a chopping motion and then swiping her hands above her lap in an 'X'. "No!" she shouts. "For heaven's sake, will ya listen to reason?"

William regards her with a sort of perturbed, unblinking stare. "...Enlighten me," he permits.

"She's in the navigation room," Claire states.

The entire room shares a collective gasp. Steve chokes on some porridge.

"We let her give it a go after she told us that she could probably sneak in through the air ducts," Claire explains, twirling a finger through her ponytail.

"Genius!" Jill shouts, chucking her bowl at Barry. It lands on his head and he pretends that it is a tiny helmet. Jill hops to her feet. "I've no doubt that child will steer us to victory!" she shouts, pumping a fist into the air.

"But Jill!" Chris whimpers, "Have you no faith in Brad?"

Jill drops her arm, glancing at Chris. "No, not really. He's taking forever with this thing."

**ooo**

"AND I SAID- HAAAY-YAAAY-YAA-HE-HEY, HAAAAAY-YAAAY-YEAY," Sherry Elizabeth Birkin sings loudly, and stamps her foot down on the console beside Brad's face, "I SAID HEY. WHAT'S GOIN' ON."

Brad just frowns at the twelve-year-old. "Will you please stop singing?" he asks again, rhetorically this time. He knows she's not going to stop. She's NEVER going to stop. The young Birkin even smashed the sub's radio so that her song would be the only one heard.

As if on cue, Sherry suddenly changes songs and begins dancing again on top of the navigation system. "IIII DON'T WANNA WORK. I JUST WANNA BANG ON ME DRUM ALL DAY!"

Brad has just about had it. He goes so far as to fold his arms in displeasure at the situation, and turns his frown even deeper. "Don't you have someone ELSE to pester?" he sneers.

Sherry responds by snatching the Admiral's cap off of Brad's head and donning it on her own, while changing tunes again. "He don't love me! Like he loved me.. yester..DAAAAY-HAAAAY-_HAAAAaaayy_.."

Anthony Mihovich smashes through the locked cabin door suddenly, somewhat wide-eyed and panting. "For the record," he states, pointing at Sherry, "I never loved you. That would be creepy." He quickly leaves again.

Sherry turns away from him, pinching the bridge of her nose and sighing. She addresses Brad in a hushed, Italian accent. "You see he do dis to me? Why for he no love me, eh? EH?"

Brad just glares at her. "It's because you're TWELVE, you rapscallion," he starts, reaching for the hat.

William Birkin rushes into the room suddenly, grabbing Brad roughly by the vest and bringing the man's face close to his own. "Don't you DARE touch my daughter!" William seeths. Brad responds by farting a little and shivering in fear.

The mad mad scientist glances at Sherry. She raises her eyebrows in anticipation.

"Have you seen my daughter?" William asks.

Sherry stares at him for a few moments. She begins to turn her head, still eyeing him, then looking to Brad. Brad just peeks at her out of the corner of his eyes, his lips pulled back in a grimace of frightened agony. Sherry looks to her father once more. "Uuum.. Nnnnnnnoooooo..."

William drops Brad. "Dang it. Oh well. Thanks, little boy," he says, giving her a pat on the head before leaving.

Brad crawls under the nav console to whimper miserably for..presumably the rest of the evening.

"Well," Sherry starts, hiking her britches up and cocking the Admiral's cap forward on her head, "this submarine ain't gonna pilot itSELF."

With that, she begins randomly mashing buttons and levers.

**ooo**

"UPDATE!" Alexia screams.

Saddler drops his muffin, and watches it with a few waning shreds of grief as it rolls into the path of Salazar's rip-roaring Hotwheels jeep.

"I _DEMAND _AN UPDATE!" Alexia repeats, with horrific fervor.

Salazar crashes his tiny jeep into the side of her throne pedistal again, flipping the vehicle sideways and sprawling out of it, unconscious.

Alexia glares furiously down at the wreck for a few moments, and then descends from her throne and begins beating Salazar's unconscious body with the jeep itself.

"Uh, my lady!" Saddler calls nervously, trying to create some sort of distraction.

Alexia hurls the toy car away from her, taking out a squad of zombie butlers. "WHAT."

Saddler gathers his teeny-weeny wits about him and slicks his disgusting oily hair back, tilting his chin up slightly and gazing down from his lesser throne. "My boy Salazar will- oh wait no that was from the other game.. uh.. I mean uh, Krauser should...definitely have some sort of. Update. Thingy." His voice cracks as Alexia smiles, still glaring hatefuly. "Uh, for you."

The fiery woman with super ant queen pyro power hops back onto her throne and crosses one leg over the other. "He had better. Lest I.." she appears to fumble for a moment, "beat.. Salazar some more with his own stupid toy jeep." Alexia dials Krauser up on the video walkie-talkie. "UPDATE," she screams into the receiver.

Krauser's sweaty man-meat visage appears on the screen. Hispanic music can be heard in the background, with Alfred singing loudly and Carlos and Hunk screaming at him to shut up. "Their sub.." Krauser gasps, "..is going..all over the place. Don't..know...wh...wh..."

"Gimme that," Wesker snatches the walkie-talkie from Krauser, his sunglasses-wearing face appearing on the screen now. "Hey LEXIE," Wesker sneers. "We're closer than ever to catching up with the GOOD GUYS and BASHING THEM something WICKEDLY _FIERCE_." He pauses to laugh hysterically and evilly. Then, halting the laugh abruptly, he continues to speak in an even tone. "After which I will most likely betray and overthrow you." Wesker smiles suddenly. "Byyyye~"

The screen goes dark.

Alexia pegs the nearest zombie minion in the face with the communicator. Saddler flinches at this. "I despise that man," Alexia states with eerie, unblinking calmness. She then breaks out into shrieking banshee laughter.

Saddler sinks down into his throne, pulling his hood over his eyes and wishing that he were a kajillion miles away from there.

**ooo**

"This is literally the most disgusting thing that I have EVER ventured to do in my entire existence," Morpheus Duvall complains.

"That's strange, coming from a tyrant bioweapon who was once a human male," Marcus quips.

Nemesis silences them both with a gutteral roar. The three henchmen resort to uncomfortable, smelly silence. They are currently traveling blindly through the ocean, seated inside a massively inflated leech. The idea had been Marcus', and he claimed that it wouldn't hurt his little leech pet whatsoever. A single flashlight held by Nemesis is keeping the slimy interior of their makeshift vehicle illuminated.

"Leechy-poo, are you SURE that you have located our enemy's submarine and are conveniently keeping pace with it?" Marcus asks.

A strange, wet grunt is heard in response. Marcus sits back, looking smug. "See, I TOLD you this would work. And leechy says there's even ANOTHER sub behind THAT one, too. BONUS."

Nemesis just sighs heavily and slaps a hand over the spot where he used to have his other eye.

**ooo**

The silence in the room is ironically deafening. Rebecca Chambers, girl genius, is seated on the sort-of-crappy bed while Anthony Mihovich, future neckbeard afficcionado, watches her from the corner of the room.

"Look man," Rebecca starts, laying down the line, "we've got to fulfill one of my three desires here." She counts off on her fingers as Anthony softly rocks back and forth. "Kooky lab experiements, a general search for higher scientific knowledge, or awkward romance."

Anthony thinks to himself for a moment, while chewing on a carrot. "Well, we tried the awkward romance thing, but that always gets interrupted by the even more awkward 'Sherry Birkin, twelve-year-old, is psuedo-romantically interested in me already and is jealous of our would-be relationship'."

Rebecca scrunches her face in distaste. "Jeez, yeah, what is WITH that, anyway?"

Anthony shrugs. "Apparently, the author thought that it would be hilarious."

"It's NOT hilarious!" Rebecca states with distaste, raising her voice. She frumps for a moment, jutting her lower jaw while glaring. Suddenly, she shouts in Anthony's general direction- "IT'S NOT FUNNY." The chemist/field medic sighs wretchedly, presenting a Kanye shrug. "At least age her up or something."

"COP-OUT!" Kamesen shrieks, rushing into the room all of a sudden. He and Anthony stare weirdly at one another for a moment before the author continues. "Total cop-out! People pull that crap all the time; they tack on a few years to the character's age but make no adjustment for mental growth at all. It's.. it's sickening."

Rebecca blinks skeptically at him. "Ok, how'd you come across THAT information?"

"Nevermind," Kamesen grunts, swinging his hands around evasively. "We're gonna do this the RIGHT way. SHERRY BIRKIN, ADVANCE AND BE RECOGNIZED."

And just like that, Sherry runs into the room. "Yeah whaddaya want, ya big fat luggage?" she spits, tossing up a few half-hearted gang signs.

Kamesen beholds her with a stern glance. "We're aging you up, PROPERLY, so that your weird little crush on Anthony won't be frowned upon."

"Alright," Sherry agrees courageously, cracking her knuckles. "Let's DO this thing, I've got reservations to Olive Garden waiting."

Anthony casts a worried glance at Kamesen as the author puts on a long-sleeved shirt and then rolls up the sleeves. "Are you SURE this is a good idea?" he asks.

The author turns and gives Anthony a dead-eyed stare. "Think about it this way. Would you rather have a minor hitting on you, or an adult?"

This earns a vigorous nod from the rookie. "Point taken. Do it."

"My body is READY," Sherry shouts, flexing. Anthony and Rebecca watch as Kamesen begins to wave his hands around and yells a spell.

"Alahkazam and shmiggity-jive! Make this girl turn TWENTY-FIVE!" The author flings his hands toward Sherry, and she is enveloped in a cloud of smoke.

A collective gasp rolls through the room as the smoke clears to reveal a tall blonde woman in a labcoat, blouse, and pants. Sherry Birkin dusts herself off and peers around, looking somewhat annoyed.

"Oh my gosh," Rebecca utters, "she looks so much like her mom!"

Sherry's eyes fall to Anthony. She narrows them for a moment in recognition. Anthony swallows hard, looking nervously from side to side. "I used to be head-over-heels in love with you when I was a little girl," Sherry notes aloud. She raises an eyebrow. "I wonder why."

With that, she leaves the room.

"Oh my gosh," Rebecca utters once more. "She ACTS so much like her mom too!"

Kamesen slaps Anthony on the back, shaking his head. "I guess it didn't work out after all, buddy boy. Oh well." He then looks to the readers and flashes a huge smile. "Well folks, that's what happens when people grow up! THEY CHANGE. Goodnight." He pulls his pants up over his head and vanishes.

Anthony breathes a sigh of relief. "Well I'm glad that's over with. No more creepy little girls to deal with!" He symbolically dusts his hands off and turns around, only to bump into two young girls.

"I'm Manuella," one girl says.

"I'm Lucia," the other states.

"I'm out of here," Anthony replies, and promptly walks into the broom closet before shutting himself inside.

Manuella and Lucia turn to look at one another, sharing creepy smiles. In unison, they cheerily state, "And it ALL starts OVER a-GAAAAIN!"

Rebecca stares at them for a moment, horrified. She immediately runs to the closet door then, slamming her fists on it while screaming to be let inside.

* * *

Next time, on Resident Evil: Super Quest! Our heroes finally arrive at Japan! Will they finally get their hands on the, um, 'new' Resident Evil 5 game? Or will their journey be thwarted by one of a dozen baddies? Find out next time! I hope someone still reads my story!


	27. Glorious Nihon

**Chapter Twenty-seven: Glorious Nihon**

"Will you STOP SMOKING IN HERE?" Alfred squeals, waving his hands violently amongst the fog inside of the tiny submarine, as if swatting at a jillion enraged bees. Hunk regards the screeching Ashford with a James Dean 'I do not care for your insignificant trifles' sidelong glance, but puts out the cigarette anyway.

"Alright then Mr. Sqeaky," the grizzled Umbrella covert ops veteran retorts, "what do you suggest as a replacement?"

Krauser, who has been sitting on the floor while Carlos tends to the stationary bike which powers their sub, offers a box of saltine crackers to Hunk. "Hwuh," Krauser grunts, his cheeks full of the dry, crumbly treat. Hunk just stares at him. "_Hwuh_", Krauser says again, gesturing to Hunk with the box as crumbs fall from his mouth.

Wesker, surveying this rampant display of idiocy, removes his sunglasses to reveal another pair of sunglasses underneath. "How long have you been _eating _those," he queries angrily, snatching the box away from Krauser, who responds with a deplorable whimper.

"Hey Cap," Carlos speaks up, "mind hooking me up with a few of those sustenance..es..?" The mercenary is looking pretty pooped, but he continues to pedal hard. "Mi estomago.."

Wesker pegs Carlos with the empty box, knocking him off the bike. "No crazy talk in my sub."

With no one manning the bike, the mini-submarine suddenly plummets into a milk-curdling spiral dive, accompanied by blaring red lights and the whine of a stalling aircraft engine. Everyone immediately begins running around the tiny cabin and screaming.

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

"MAN THE LIFEBOATS!"

"THERE _ARE _NO LIFEBOATS, YOU IDIOT!"

"_YOU'RE _AN IDIOT!"

"WE'RE GOIN' DOWN TO CHINATOWN!"

**ooo**

Meanwhile, in the other sub, Ada Wong lifts her head and narrows her eyes.

"What is it, Ada?" Leon asks, still picking at some porridge in his bowl.

The Asian double-agent shrugs. "Dunno. Felt vaguely insulted for a moment. Not sure why."

Leon raises his eyebrows and shrugs, returning to his porridge.

**ooo**

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" Wesker screams at Carlos.

Carlos just frowns deeply and widens his eyes in cold anger, silently shaking his head back and forth.

Hunk grins widely at the two of them. "Time to make my _escape_," he announces, yanking a ripcord on his vest. A parachute deploys loudly behind him, and awkwardly deflates as he stands there. Everyone stares at him. After a few moments, Hunk just sits down and lowers his head.

"FOR SISTER!" Alfred hollers suddenly, grabbing the only lever in the tiny sub. With a tremendous eight-year-old-girl shriek, the Ashford pulls using all his might. In a stunning display of teamwork, Wesker grabs Alfred and pulls, Krauser grabs Wesker and pulls, and Carlos grabs Krauser and pulls. All four men grunt and grind their teeth in mannish effort as the sub continues to plummet.

"IT'S NO GOOD!" Carlos yells over the din. Just then, two strong hands grab him. Shocked, Carlos turns his head to see Hunk smiling at him. "Hunk!" the Spaniard exclaims. "You came back!" The A-Team theme song starts playing.

"Couldn't let you boys do this alone," Hunk smirks, and heaves-ho. "LET'S DO THIS!"

Several minutes of grunting, screaming, flexing, and sweating go by. The lever jerks into place with a sharp metallic noise, sending the five men into a heaping dogpile.

"We did it!" Alfred squeals.

"Of _COURSE_ we did," Wesker adds confidently.

"All for Umbrella's sake," Krauser mysteriously grunts.

"I could have done that for a few more minutes," Carlos shrugs.

"Please get off of me," Hunk contributes. "You are all very sweaty and large."

Everyone climbs to their feet, brushing themselves off and slapping each other on the ass with enthusiastic cheers of 'Good game, bro!' Alfred slaps Wesker on the face by accident, and gets a good talking to.

Finally, Hunk approaches the periscope. "Gentlemen. Shall I check our bearings?"

"Please do," Wesker concurs, gesturing leader-ishly with a gloved hand.

The grizzled mercenary nods, and centers the periscope to peer through it. "…Um."

Wesker paces back and forth behind him, stepping on everyone's feet. "We should be about one or two miles beneath the surface, and I'd say.. less than a hundred miles from the coast of Japan at this rate," he estimates.

Hunk is silent for a moment. "Uh, yeah. Do seagulls normally live two miles underwater?"

"Huh?" Alfred huh's, quirking his lip and eyebrows into a severely puzzled expression.

Hunk walks over to the exit hatch, grabbing the handle-

"DON'TOPENTHATWE'REUNDERWATER!" Krauser screams, scrambling to stop the man.

Hunk grunts for the eighteenth time that day, and pops the hatch.

Cool shore breeze greets the men. The sound of seagulls and the gentle roar of the surf can be heard. Everyone stares at the hatch in shock. Hunk pushes the door fully open, to reveal that the sub is sitting on the beach.

Nemesis, Marcus, and Morpheus are sitting a few feet away, around a small bonfire. All three of them are staring at the open hatch. Marcus waves. "Hello."

Wesker gently places his hand on Hunk's shoulder, moving the man aside. He directs a question to the trio sitting on the beach, his voice calm but very firm. "How long has our submarine been beached here."

Morpheus checks his watch. "…About three hours or so," he replies.

"What was all that screaming and grunting a few minutes ago?" Marcus asks, squinting one eye in the sunlight.

Wesker's eyes are unreadable behind his sunglasses. His lips draw to a thin line, and his jaw tightens. His team members watch him with growing anxiety as the blonde man slowly turns and walks back into the sub. They glance at one another and then quickly tumble out, scrambling to escape the cramped craft.

The hatch closes behind them, and not a moment later Wesker bursts into violent hysterics, cursing everything under the sun in a shocking display of foul language, incomprehensible screaming, and general name-calling.

Everyone else, outside the sub, cringes at the outburst. "Jeez," Carlos mutters. "He should be happy we made it, anyway." He brushes a hand through his hair, peering around the beach. "I mean.. this IS Japan, isn't it?"

Nemesis speaks up, grumbling tiredly. "Staaars… aarrrhrhgrhg… harrrr…"

Morpheus nods, then addresses the others. "Captain Nemmy says that according to his navigational map, he has… exactly no idea where we are. At all."

The group shares a solemn moment of helpless silence. Then, realizing that Wesker has stopped screaming inside the sub, they all turn to look at the beached craft. The hatch is open again, and the treacherous man is standing at the open entrance, his eyebrows raised and his face slowly burning with a new rage at Nemesis' recent revelation.

"Uh-" Krauser starts, but Wesker has already slammed the hatch. He begins an even louder yelling session inside the sub, causing the group to cringe once more.

"Yeesh," Marcus scoffs, sticking his tongue out. "We were stuck in a sub for a while TOO, you know."

"Yes well anyway," Alfred interjects, taking up a spot by the small bonfire. "Anyone got any marshmallows?"

Krauser looks at him like he's an idiot, but then Nemesis reacts with an expression of sudden realization and an eagerness to be useful. The giant bioweapon reaches into his trenchcoat and withdraws a bag of marshmallows.

"Staaars," he grunts, tossing them to Alfred, who shrieks with delight and tears into the bag.

"GIMME SOME OF THOSE," Krauser yells, tackling Alfred to the sand. Carlos just starts laughing, while Hunk, Marcus, and Morpheus sigh heavily.

**ooo**

"Wait," Rebecca says, her brow furrowing in thought. She halts the game of wall checkers, scratching the side of her head with the butt of the pencil she was using to mark her progress.

Anthony glances at her. "What is it?" he asks, shifting uncomfortably amidst the coats and other closet whatnots. They have remained hidden in the cramped compartment for ten minutes or so, hoping that the bizarre children outside would get bored and leave.

"Brad was originally piloting the sub, right?" Rebecca queries, batting a renegade scarf out of her face.

"Check," Anthony responds, digging in a random coat pocket and looking shocked as he fishes out some loose change.

"And then Sherry took over after that," the young field medic continues, narrowing her eyes.

"Right," Anthony affirms, chewing on some gummy bears he found. He spits them out almost immediately.

Rebecca's eyes narrow to slits as she continues to ponder the situation. "But then we randomly decided to age her up, at which time she reported to this room.. so…" her eyes widen in horrible, horrible realization. She meets Anthony's bewildered gaze. "Um. Who's piloting the sub right now?"

**ooo**

"I'M A DEEP WATER SAILOR JUST COME FROM HONG KONG," Barry sings, while doing a jig. Chris and Jill clap along with the merry tune. "YOU GIVE ME SOME WHISKEY, I'LL SING YOU A SO-" the sub shakes violently all of a sudden, keeling to the side as the lights in the cabin flicker.

"What in blue blazes?" Billy exclaims, as he tumbles toward the wall along with everyone else. Steve grabs for Claire, but he can't grab her in time and he goes barreling into Billy.

Ada executes a perfect cartwheel, landing in a crouched position and bracing herself. She holds her arms out to the sides and catches both Claire and Leon as they stumble by.

Chris and Jill cling to one another, and consequently they both go flying across the room together, crashing into the bunkbeds. Brad peeks out from under the sheets, whimpers, and then covers himself again. Ashley, on the top bunk, sighs as her game of solitaire is ruined.

"Well slap my mammy!" Jill exclaims, straightening her beret as she clambers to her feet. "What on earth was THAT?" Chris stands up beside her, looking generally flustered, and he turns this way and that while panting uncertainly until Jill grabs his arm and calms him with a shush.

Enrico Marini runs in all of a sudden, pointing an accusing finger. "I'll bet it was that murdering bastard, Lt. Billy Coen!" he shouts.

"It wasn't," Billy states flatly, "and you're not in this story anymore anyway." Enrico puffs his cheeks out and makes a hasty exit.

Chris reaches over, pulling the bedsheet aside to reveal a shivering Brad Vickers. "Brad, why aren't you piloting the sub?" the team lead demands. Jill interrogatingly shines a flashlight in Brad's eyes for good measure.

"Sherry took over!" Brad sputters, waving his hands in front of his face. "STOPPIT," he yells, grabbing the flashlight out of Jill's hands and then turning it on her. "How do YOU like it?" Jill just covers her eyes and hisses.

Barry scratches his beard thoughtfully. "Sherry isn't licensed to pilot a sub."

Billy scratches Barry's beard too. "Well that would be a good indicator as to why we've crashed."

Chris reaches over, itching the hefty man's scruff as well. "We should make a plan!"

Claire squeezes a hand in and pinches the moustache portion. "I'm hungry again!"

Barry flails his arms about in frustration. "Everyone cut it out! Quit grabbin' my beard!" Jill offers him a large-toothed comb, and he snatches it out of her hand, pouting as he grooms himself.

Steve climbs atop a footstool. "EVERYONE LISTEN TO ME!" he shouts. All eyes turn to him. "We should send someone to investigate."

"Good idea Steve," Leon comments. "Thanks for volunteering."

Steve's face drops. "W-.. no, I mean.. not me, someone else!"

Ada glances at her nails, running her thumb along them. "You're the man for mission, Steve." She looks up at him. "Get to it."

The troubled teen huffs and puffs in rampant disbelief. "But.. but it's dangerous out there! I could be _killed_!"

Ada's eyes widen as she stares at him. "Killed? BAAAHAHAHAHAH!" she breaks out into sudden manic laughter, making everyone kind of uncomfortable. "_AHAHAHA_- take Ashley with you."

**ooo**

Annette Birkin, true to her character, is staggering around the sub with a pistol and half a bottle of.. some kind of stimulant-in-pill-form. "Whoneedssleep," the scientist mutters derisively, pitching sideways and crashing into an open bedroom. "Uuugh…" Annette lethargically kicks away sheets and pillows, sitting up in the bunkbed that she has landed in. After examining the room, she realizes that she is not its only occupant.

A young blonde woman in a labcoat sits at the desk, jotting down notes. On the opposite bunkbed, a bedraggled man sits with the sheet pulled around him like a shawl, reading comic books. The man, Annette recognizes, is her deadbeat (albeit not in the arena of science- for which he is a titan) husband. As for the young blonde..

"Where is my daughter?" Annette asks in a panicked British accent.

The young woman turns to face her. "Are you _mad?_" she responds, also in a British accent, "I _AM _your daughter!"

Annette raises her eyebrows in bored realization. "Oh. Ok." She turns to her husband then, glaring. "William, why didn't you tell me that you'd found our daughter?"

The male Birkin glances up from his comic book, wide-eyed, looking from Annette, to Sherry, to Annette again. "I found our daughter."

Annette cocks her head and smiles, beaming with painfully apparent sarcasm. "Thaaaaanks," she drawls, grabbing his face. William grunts, shrugging her off. Annette sighs and joins Sherry at the table. "Sherry, apparently you are becoming a young woman and it's high time I stopped treating you like a little girl."

"Indeed," Sherry replies, pouring a random test tube into a beaker and then throwing the whole mess aside, taking out a wall with a blunt explosion. She turns to face her mother. "I have cast aside the silly ideals of love and romance, instead replacing them with an admirable-if-not-psychotic-and-sleep-deprived pursuit of research in the field of biological science."

"So damn proud of you," William mutters to himself, shedding a tear as he turns the page of his comic book.

Meanwhile, Annette is practically sobbing with joy. "Oh Sherry, I'm so happy!" She violently hugs her daughter, causing the younger woman to grunt as her spine pops in several places.

"Thank you mother," Sherry replies, untangling herself from Annette to return to her studies. "By the way, one of you should go and see what that terrific collision was a moment ago. I believe we may have crash-landed at our destination, Japan."

William and Annette gawk at each other, then swing their heads around to gawk at Sherry, then swing their heads back to gawk at each other. In the next instant, the two of them are fighting to get out the door.

Sherry sighs deeply, and continues her research.

**ooo**

"Why do WE have to go see what happened?" Steve complains, swinging his fists at the air as he walks, which ends up making him walk really funny. Ashley skips along behind him, singing the same damn Hanson song over and over again.

"Steeeeeve," Steve's zombie dad moans, staggering out from a side-corridor.

"Get a life, dad," Steve mutters, shoving past his dad and heading for the exit hatch.

Zombie Steve's Dad droops with dejection, but perks up as he sees Ashley walk by. He raises his arms again, honing in on her ballistics.

"GET BENT," Ashley yells, cracking Zombie Steve's Dad in the face with a manhole cover. The undead pop-pop spins around from the blow, spitting out a few teeth before collapsing in a heap.

"Nice!" Steve compliments, raising his eyebrows. Like a true gentleman, he offers for Ashley to go first up the ladder. She curtsies politely and begins climbing. Steve follows, and is shocked to find that Ashley wears 'Hanes' brand underwear.

"JERK. BUTTFACE. PERVERT," Ashley shouts as she climbs, kicking Steve in the face every step of the way.

Finally, the two of them emerge atop the sub, Ashley heaving to push open the hatch. A mighty sea breeze carelessly kicks her medium-length blonde hair around as she climbs out onto the roof. Steve follows, wearing several bandaids.

"Well here we are," he states, putting his hands on his hips. "Uh…" He scans the empty coastline, shrugging. "Some…where."

Ashley quirks her lips, squinting at the vacant beach. "Something tells me this isn't exactly Tokyo." She flips open a compact. "Although, my GPS says this IS Japan. It's probably one of the remote beaches on-"

She cuts off suddenly, her eyes widening. Down wind, along the beach, Krauser catches sight of her and stands up, his eyes also widening.

The muscled maniac uses one hand to dab war paint down his cheeks, while his other hand points menacingly towards Ashley.

"Uh..oooh…" Steve says, gulping loudly. "That large and violent man seems to want something from you." As he says this, Krauser is joined by Wesker, Carlos, Hunk, Alfred, Nemesis, Morpheus, and Marcus. ALL of them are cracking their knuckles and laughing evilly. Well, Alfred is doing his best. "THIS DOES NOT LOOK GOOD," Steve cries, grabbing both sides of his head, his knees knocking.

Ashley puts her compact away and cracks her knuckles as well. Steve glances at her and follows suit, muttering an 'ow!' The President's daughter steels herself, widening her stance atop the sub as the wind picks up. "Steve, my lad," she says, "brace yourself. I'm about to sound the alarm."

Steve crouches and puts on earmuffs.

Meanwhile, Ashley slowly draws an enormous breath into her lungs, somehow puffing her chest out farther than it's ever been before. ((The author was slapped for this comment.))

Wesker leads the charge across the beach, his evil team following. Ashley lets loose the loudest yell of her life.

"_**LEEEEOOOOOOOOOONN! HHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLP!"**_

* * *

_Author's Note: Good heavens! What a cliffhanger! Will Wesker and co. smash Ashley and Steve to itty bitty bits? Will Alexia laugh evilly at this? What the heck is Sherry up to? Does it matter? Will Rebecca and Anthony ever get out of that closet? I hope so! It's musty in there! Anyways, find out what happens next time on a very special and action-packed super fight in Resident Evil: Super Quest! Thank you for reading! I hope that you enjoy it!_


	28. A Punch To You

**Chapter 28: A Punch To You**

Previously, on Resident Evil Super Quest:

As Wesker and co. sprint across the beach, towards the good guys' crashed sub, Ashley throws her head back and lets loose a cry for aid! "LEOOOOON! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-"

(the camera zooms in on Ashley's mouth, her uvula dangling as the powerful call blasts through the air..)

Now, on Resident Evil Super Quest:

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP-!"

The camera cuts back, showing a wide view of the top of the sub. The enigmatic, evil, and ever-brooding Wesker stands on one end, with the fearsome and hulking Nemesis, the weirdly beautiful Marcus and his slugs, the androgynous electric tyrant Morpheus, the roguish mercenary Carlos, the tittering delusional psychopath Alfred, the mysterious operative Hunk, and the ready-and-raring muscular manbeast Krauser.

On the other end of the sub, Chris, Jill, Ada, Leon, Claire, Barry, Billy, Brad, Ashley, Steve, William, Annette, Sherry, Rebecca, and Anthony stand ready to battle!

Jill is hopping side to side lightly, shaking out her hands while taking a few quick breaths. Chris is pounding a fist into his palm and frowning really meanly at the bad guys. Ada is glowering heatedly at the enemies, occasionally swiping a thumb across her nose. Leon spouts a few experimental one-liners, while Claire resorts to hunching over, growling and lightly beating on the sides of her head to psyche herself up. Barry is carefully refilling his water pistol, and Billy is giving a thumbs-down to the baddies with one hand while he writes a love letter to Rebecca in crayon with the other. Brad struggles to not wet his pants. Ashley assumes a brazen pose, lifting her chin and pulling her arms back slightly while pushing her chest out in a proud stance. Steve glances at her and tries to copy the pose, but becomes disheartened when he realizes that his chest is very flat and does not lend to what would otherwise be an intensely regal look. Meanwhile, William Birkin is stoically flipping off Marcus with both hands while the robed man shouts enraged swear words at him. Annette and Sherry simultaneously shove their hands in their labcoat pockets and nod their heads upward in a dismissive 'sniff' movement to their foes. Rebecca quietly fondles her pistol as she anticipates the coming fight, while Anthony just sort of throttles the air and grits his teeth, making gestures suggestive of violence to the bad guys.

The salty sea wind whips everyone's clothes/hair about awesomely, and the seagulls above flee the scene as the tension builds. Alfred sets down a cage and opens it, releasing a flock of doves which fly past Wesker as he launches the attack!

A collective cacophony of crescending cries courses 'cross the.. cattlefield.. as foe meets foe in open all-out fist-thumping war!

Wesker quickly confronts Chris, cackling vilely as he sprints toward the man. Jill will have none of this, as usual, and intercepts Wesker in order to protect her partner- thrusting a leg forward and tripping the blonde baddy.

"GAAH!" Wesker flails and tumbles hard to the deck, sprawling like a child flung from a go-kart. Jill is too busy laughing her ass off to defend herself as Wesker growlingly jumps to his feet and puts her in a headlock, assaulting her with a vicious noogie. Her hearty laughter quickly turns to angry shouts of 'QUIT IT!' as she grabs at his arms. Chris is swift to rush to his partner's side, shrieking furiously as he brings his fists down over and over, thumping Wesker on the back relentlessly.

Alfred and Brad clash next, in a shocking display of.. not cowardice, both men emitting ear-piercing screams as they furiously slap at one another.

Meanwhile, Hunk and Ada face each other. As the chaos explodes around them, the two mysterious agents regard one another with narrowed expressions of unbridled..mysteriousness. Neither physically makes a move. For the moment..

Carlos, on the other hand, is a whirlwind of movement. He takes on both Barry AND Billy, brandishing dos pistolas and firing off each weapon with intense bravado as he spins around and sings loudly. The other two men are taken aback by this, backpeddling to avoid the stray bullets and the spinning Spaniard.

Leon himself is backing up as the mighty Krauser advances, if only to try and spout off his latest one-liner before the angry man can interrupt him. Surprisingly, both men come to a stand-still as Krauser halts his advance and begins whipping out one-liners of his own. Claire, starting to pull a minigun out of her shorts, now stands there with the weapon awkwardly half-drawn, looking from Leon to Krauser as the two continue to try and outdo the other. "Get ready to meet your end, 'comrade!'" Krauser quips. "Not today, I'm afraid!" Leon snarls. After a minute, the platitudes begin to degenerate into 'your mom' jokes. Claire grits her teeth and pulls out a grenade instead, tossing it in-between the two men.

"GO, MY MINIONS!" Marcus bellows, gesturing forth with a robed arm. His leeches hop and slink towards the Birkin family in a cutely menacing way. William has not stopped flipping the man off. Annette, meanwhile, turns her upper lip in a disgusted snarl and kicks one of the leeches off the sub. Sherry takes out a salt shaker, dousing several more of the leeches. They squeal in misery and fling themselves into the water below to escape. "MY BABIES!" Marcus cries in horror, nearly fainting. He recovers though, and growls with unrelenting furious fury as he rushes the group, unleashing a fierce opera high note. Annette steps forward, halting the man's attack with a vicious right hook. She and Sherry take either side of the flailing evildoer, beating the ever-living crap out of him. William still has not stopped flipping Marcus off.

Ashley and Steve decide to take on Morpheus, who just chuckles patronizingly at the two of them. He throws a laugh over his shoulder, whipping his weird head tails aside as he does so and putting his hands on his hips, striking a pose. Ashley raises her eyebrows, sensing a pose-off, and easily rebuts with a pose of her own, tossing a hand through her hair and lifting her chin, adding a derisive 'Hmph!' as she elegantly bomps-the-bomp and shifts her hips, placing her hands on either one. Morpheus eyes her with a shocked look, but quickly hides it, gritting his teeth. "No one out-poses ME," he growls under his breath, and prepares to change poses.. Steve beholds this with growing anxiety/wonder, gasping in anticipation and chewing on his fingertips.

This leaves Rebecca and Anthony. As the fighting/slapping/name-calling/posing unfolds like a discarded pizza box in a hurricane, they stand together- each of them wondering what will happen next. "Uh," Anthony starts, clenching and unclenching his fists in a shameful display of unease, "so.. who are WE fighting?"

Rebecca quirks her lips to the side and raises an eyebrow as she looks upward, unknowingly becoming the cutest thing on the planet for a second. She then begins counting off on her fingers. Then scratching a few notes on the roof of the sub beneath their feet. Then consulting a magic eight ball. Then adjusting a makeshift sundial. "Hmm.." The curious medic stands up, brushing her hands off on her pants. She takes a deep breath, looking at Anthony, her hair blowing around a little as she squints.. "I have no idea," she admits, exhaling and dropping her arms to her sides.

Nemesis slams down in front of them with a horrific impact, shaking the entire sub. Anthony and Rebecca both jump a foot in the air, screaming in fright as Nemesis arches back and lets loose a deafening roar.

"THIS IS NOT OK!" Rebecca notes aloud, grabbing Anthony's shirt and clenching down pretty hard as she beholds the monstrous creature before them.

"CONCUR," Anthony yells, trying not to let his voice break while he in turn grabs his own shirt and wrenches the fabric in hysterical fear.

Nemesis cares not for their pitiable plight. With the force of a thousand really big monster trucks, he swings his arm in a mighty backhand! Anthony and Rebecca manage to duck at the last second, wincing at the wind whipping over their heads.

"SHALL WE RUN LIKE FRIGHTENED CHILDREN?" Rebecca proposes to committee, trying her best to keep her knees from knocking.

"YEP." Anthony replies, swallowing quite hard.

They flee.

In an uncharacteristically graceful display of acrobatics, the pair cartwheel and dodgeroll their way across the battlefield, avoiding the various scuffles, fights, brawls, and tiffs spilling out across the roof of Brad's submarine.

They regroup on the other end of the sub, breathing a little hard, perhaps even sweating a bit. Anthony looks at Rebecca and nods. Rebecca returns the nod, smirkin'. "We _lost_ him!" she declares, stamping her foot victoriously. The two of them clink champagne glasses and prepare to drink, but they suddenly realize that they are not standing on top of the sub anymore. In fact, they are being held two feet above it. Slowly looking to the side, the imperiled youths realize that Nemesis himself has grabbed them each by their shirt collars and is preparing to obliterate them.

Rebecca shoots a frantic glance to Anthony. "What should we do?" she asks, fidgeting shamelessly.

"I've got an idea," the rookie responds. "Let's start crying like babies."

They do just that, flailing and screaming and carrying on. Nemesis, having had enough of their shenanigans, spreads his arms wide and prepares to smash the two captive heroes together into a big pink mess.

Rebecca squeezes her eyes shut, pleading aloud. "God! Jesus! Buddah! Macho Man Randy Savage! If anyone can hear me, HEEEEELP!"

"HOLD EVERYTHING!"

Everyone freakin' looks up as none other than Kamesen himself, the very author of this story, makes yet another appearance. The t-shirt wearing, five-o'clock-shadow-having, sandwich-eating man strafes in from out of nowhere and sidles onto the roof of the beached sub.

"Alright alright alright," Anth- er, Kamesen says, waving his hands about to calm everybody down. "I have been summoned, and it is due to the sides being terribly mismatched. Uh.." He surveys the group.

Wesker is currently squishing Jill's cheeks, while he stomps on Chris's foot, while Jill punches him in the tummy and Chris messes up his hair.

Alfred and Brad are red-faced and panting, slap marks adorning each man's face. They both look a bit worse for wear. In fact, Alfred looks about ready to start crying at any second. Then again, so does Brad.

Ada and Hunk are feverishly making out. As soon as they notice everyone has stopped, they immediately jump away from one another. Mouths are wiped, hair is straightened, clothes are adjusted, and throats are awkwardly cleared. Wesker gives Hunk a 'What the hell, dude?' look. Hunk points at Ada. "Sh-she was trying to seduce me!" he claims. Ada pulls out a metal chair and decks him with it.

Carlos, Barry, and Billy are looking quite roughed up. Barry has a bullet hole going through one end of his beard and out the other. Carlos's hair is sopping wet. And Billy is sporting a bruised pinky.

Leon and Krauser are deadlocked, knives in hand, each other's hands in the other.. hand. Claire is tickling Krauser's armpit with a feather. He is snickering hysterically, but trying to glare at the same time.

Annette and Sherry are taking a smoke/lollipop break on the starboard side, ignoring everyone else for the most part. Marcus is just laying on the ground, crying softly as William stands over him and continues to flip him off with both hands while staring wordlessly at the man.

Ashley and Morpheus are frozen in a pose-off, Morpheus shaking visibly while doing his best to look like some kind of ballerina flamingo, and Ashley using Steve as a seat to do her best impersonation of Auguste Rodin's 'The Thinker'. Steve is beginning to wobble.

"Well," Kamesen shrugs, "things look pretty balanced here. I don't see why I need to-"

He is interrupted by Rebecca clearing her throat insistently.

"In case you haven't noticed," the medic announces, still struggling in Nemesis's grasp, "WE'RE ABOUT TO BECOME DOG CHOW OVER HERE!"

Kamesen sighs, waving a hand dismissively and frowning in annoyance. "Oh, calm your.. undies."

Rebecca's eyes widen and she puffs her cheeks out, then begins flailing violently, swinging her fists and kicking her legs in mid-air, and shouting up a storm.

"STAAARS," Nemesis bellows in her face, blowing her hair around and making her squint. She just blows a raspberry at him, causing the giant bioweapon to give her a disciplinary shake.

Anthony decides to chime in. "Hey, uh.. Kamesen."

"Yyyyeeeeiiiisss?" Kamesen replies, smiling weirdly.

"Maybe you could like.. age Nemesis _down_ or something. Y'know. Even the odds a bit."

Marcus sits up, looking over. "Even the odds? You outnumber us nearly two-to-one!"

"Oh shut your cake hole!" Jill yells from across the sub.

Everyone starts hootin' and hollerin' and makin' a big ol' fuss. Kamesen swipes his hand through the air. "SILENCE. I command it and such." Everybody sighs and looks over at the author again. He points to Nemesis, speaking in a southern drawl. "Suh, it occuhs tah me that ya'll ah too dahn pow'full. An' we just kinnott be havin' that heah."

Nemesis shrugs. Kamesen puts on a long-sleeve shirt, rolls up the sleeves, and waves his arms around. "By the power vested in me, make this monster now turn THREE!"

In a puff of smoke and a flash of spooky lights, Nemesis (and subsequently Anthony and Rebecca, whom he is still holding) vanishes.

The other fighters/slappers/posers look on in awe and wonder. Sherry bites into an apple and remarks "Funny ol' world, id'nit?"

When the smoke clears, Rebecca and Anthony are standing on their feet again. Nemesis appears to have disappeared. But then the rest of the smoke clears, and a tiny Nemesis is revealed standing between the two, his little fists grabbing their pant legs.

"Staaars!" he yells, in a high-pitched voice.

Rebecca starts laughing at him, only laughing even harder as the mini bioweapon adorably pounds his itty-bitty fists against her leg in childish rage.

"Well that's just COMPLETELY unfair!" Alfred huffs, planting his hands firmly upon his hips in an unsurprisingly effeminate display of disapproval. "How is THAT supposed to even the odds?"

Suddenly, Krauser pipes up. "Hey, how about letting some of our COMRADES from Resident Evil 5 join us in the fight?"

"YEAH!" Alfred adds, his voice cracking.

Kamesen shrugs. "I s'pose that'd be fair. Alright, I'll allow it. Take five, ya'll."

The crew breaks up their fights for the time being, each side regrouping to either end of the sub while they await the arrival of more bad guys to even the odds.

Jill, Claire, and Ada take to dismantling and cleaning guns, Jill slapping Ada's hand every time the spy attempts to sabotage one of the weapons. "Sorry," Ada mumbles, scratching the back of her head, "bad habit."

Barry refills his water pistol with sea water, while Chris and Billy do pushups and take turns slathering each other in canola oil. In a surprising turn of events, Sherry Birkin walks over and starts doing pushups with them. She politely declines an offer to rub canola oil all over herself, though.

Annette and William are, of course, talking up a storm regarding viruses, betrayal, bullet wounds, research, trains, and Spiderman.

Ashley is helping Steve stuff his shirt so that he can appear as majestic as she does during future pose-offs.

Brad is taking lessons from Leon on how not to abandon your teammates like a spineless wimp.

Rebecca and Anthony are sketching designs for unlockable outfits for the gang. While this began as a somewhat serious venture, it quickly degenerated into drawing everyone in tutus with ridiculous moustaches.

Meanwhile, on the bad guy side, Wesker is pacing endlessly and wearing a steady rut into the steel roof of the submarine.

Carlos asks Wesker if he can go to the good guys' side yet. Wesker denies him this, causing Carlos to sulk to no end.

Toddler Nemesis is sitting on an upturned plastic bucket, occasionally growling/yelling adorably while eating a meat ration.

Alfred is fretting over a tear in his stupid uniform. He calls Alexia on the communicator, only to be told to 'Nut up or shut up'. After complaining in response, he is then subjected to several minutes of unintelligible swearing.

Hunk and Krauser are doing jumping jacks. Between noisy breaths, Krauser inquires as to Hunk's motivations regarding the passionate makeout session with Ada. Hunk just grunts and responds with "It's spy stuff. You wouldn't understand." Krauser begins to argue that he too was technically a spy, because he accidentally crashed a helicopter and then betrayed his country by kidnapping the president's annoying daughter. Halfway through explaining this, he runs out of breath and falls over.

Morpheus and Marcus are writing a battle song to use for the next round of fighting. Occasionally Morpheus demands "But where will we find a TUBA?"

"Oh what the HELL, man?" Wesker shouts suddenly, throwing his arms up in outrage. Everyone turns to look as none other than Resident Evil 5's Josh Stone of the BSAA slowly parachutes down, kicking his feet back and forth a little as he spirals in.

Alfred sputters with anger, beginning to say about eight things at once but unable to decide how best to furiously react to this injustice.

Hunk speaks up, putting aside the hoagie he was eating. "I was under the impression that WE would be getting allies, not YOU."

"I am not here to fight," Josh assures everyone, touching down. He approaches the good guys, met by Chris.

The two men salute one another, then spin around and high-five, then whoop, snap their fingers, blow a raspberry, slap the side of their boot, and pinch each other's cheeks.

"Good to see you, Josh," Chris states.

"And you also, Chris, Jill," Josh replies, nodding to Jill as well. She raises her eyebrows and makes a little fart noise with her mouth. Josh drops to one knee, digging around in a Hello Kitty backpack. "I have something for Agent Kennedy, actually."

The crew leans in, watching with interest as the soldier draws a codec from his bag. Leon groans in dismay, turning around and tossing his arms up.

Josh frowns. "Don't knock it, Leon. You have no idea how long it took me to steal this from Solid Snake." He hands the codec over to Leon, but the man refuses to take it. Josh sighs and gives it to Claire instead.

"No fair!" Morpheus yells. "They're getting stuff! I want stuff too!"

Wesker sighs, folding his arms across his chest. "We must bide our time for now.."

Suddenly, Josh spins around, whipping out a rocket launcher and firing it at Wesker. Wesker just leans to one side, nonchalantly dodging the rocket.

"Aw.. _poop,_" Josh curses, snapping his fingers. "Oh well." He turns to address the good guys. "I have done what I came to do." Nodding to his comrades, he slings his Hello Kitty backpack over his shoulders again. "Chris. Jill. Good luck." With that, he hops into the air and his parachute catches the wind, floating him back to where he came from. Chris sniffles and waves a handkerchief, while Jill stoically holds back her tears and merely nods with her chin once or twice.

Claire waves the codec at Leon. "Dude, this thing is ringing. Take it away from me." After he doesn't respond, she chucks it at his head.

"OW. FINE." Leon turns around, picking the codec up off the floor and slapping it onto his ear. "Leon's Pizza," he answers dully, sighing. "You drill 'em, we fill 'em."

"Leon," Hunnigan starts. "Finally. What took you so long?"

"Your mom took me so long," Leon answers, rolling his eyes. Claire snorts, covering her mouth and spitting up a little bit of the chocolate bar that she'd been munching on. Ada hauls off and slaps her on the butt really, _really_ hard.

"Must I remind you that you're still on duty?" Hunnigan shoots back icily. Leon mimics her noiselessly, making faces and mouthing her words while doing the 'talk talk talk' motion with one hand.

"Yeah yeah whatever," he replies, sighing super heavily. "What the heck do ya want anyway?"

Hunnigan is silent for a moment. Leon just shrugs, raising his eyebrows. Marcus is making lude gestures from the other side of the submarine.

Finally, the woman speaks up. "Did you know that if you shoot a Ganado in the foot, his shoe will fall off and he will be forced to hop around to keep his sock from getting dirty?"

Leon clenches his teeth, frantically tearing at his head until he rips the codec off. "EAT IT," he screams, violently hurling the thing into the horizon. It splashes into the water and then explodes, causing a depth charge-like shockwave to rock the sub.

Everyone goes back to relaxing and waiting for enemy backup. Barry grabs Leon's shoulder and shakes him reassuringly, while Claire rubs his tummy in little circles. The haggard agent nods his appreciation and sips on a juice box provided by Jill.

"Well THAT was a waste of time," Kamesen snorts, adjusting his position on a deck chair. Ada walks over and sucker-punches him in the face.

"What the heck is he still doing here anyway?" Billy asks somewhat rhetorically, gesturing to the author.

Annette scribbles something on a clipboard and then crosses it out and chucks the thing aside. "He's probably hanging around to make sure that everything is balanced between the two opposing sides," she theorizes.

A few more minutes go by. Chris has taken to pacing as well, trying to match Wesker's pacing…pace. Just then, without warning, the Redfield stubs his toe. "Ouch!"

Sheva Alomar appears from behind an exhaust vent. Her eyes are wide and hungry. Chris looks up, noticing her, and his expression becomes one of panicked alarm as he sees a first aid spray can in her hand. "No…NO!"

Chris runs as Sheva locks onto him and gives chase. "YA NEED TO BE CAREFUL!" she yells, dodging past everyone else. "YA NEED TO BE CAREFUL!"

"I DON'T NEED IT!" Chris shrieks, running around another exhaust port, then running back around the other side as Sheva follows him. "GET AWAY FROM ME!"

Everyone just sort of watches in stunned, bewildered silence at this bizarre spectacle.

"DON'T BE RECKLESS!" Sheva advises very loudly, Chris now pinned and flailing under her as she liberally douses him with first-aid spray.

"GAH! PFFLTHTKGH-" Chris sputters, waving his arms around and trying to avoid the stuff. "GET OFFA ME."

Sheva jumps up and runs away, diving off the end of the sub as quickly as she had arrived. Chris sits up, wiping his face off, trying not to appear as flustered as he feels.

"Oooooh…kay…" Rebecca says what everyone else is thinking.

*INTERMISSION*

William Birkin: *standing in the lab, throwing test tubes around and generally making a mess* This is all for science.

Annette: *walks in, ducks a thrown test tube, looks behind her as glass smashes against a wall, then looks to her husband again* Man what the heck are you doing?

William: Making the world's most incredible edible virus. *takes a whiff of a petri dish, makes a horrible face*

Annette: *raises eyebrows* Brilliant! But aren't you worried that Oswell 'Pimp My Mansion' Spencer is going to backstab you and steal our research?

William: No. *turns to the camera and grins* I joined the Scientist's Union. I have _Anti-Backstab Insurance._

Hunk: *walks in, looks like he really doesn't want to be there* Ahem.. *sighs, speaks in a monotone voice* I am here to steal your virus. *aims a plastic pop gun at William*

Annette: *shrugs, looks at the camera* Oh NO! *the camera stays on her a little too long, and she starts to look aside, then back at the camera*

*a plastic hammer swings down and bonks Hunk on the head*

Hunk: Ow.

*everyone turns to the camera and gives a huge grin/thumbs up*

*END INTERMISSION*

Wesker checks his watch. He grabs a telephone and screams into it. "YEAH CAN WE SPEED THIS THING UP?"

Meanwhile, in Alexia P. Ashford's Fortress of Flatulence, Wesker's big fat face appears on her brand new flatscreen plasma screen. "SHUT UP!" Alexia shrieks at Wesker.

Saddler farts helpfully. Salazar is unconscious on the floor somewhere.

Back on top of the sub, Wesker breathes really hard in and out of his nostrils, and his face gets red. He beans Marcus on the head with the phone, causing the older/younger man to slowly cry.

Just then, Krauser points his big muscle-bound arms at the sky. "LOOK, GUYS! OUR COMRADE IS FINALLY HERE!"

Ricardo Irving parachutes down very slowly, screaming the whole way. Wesker shoots his parachute, causing the man to plummet the rest of the way before slamming onto the roof of the sub. Irving jumps up, grinning crookedly and brushing off his suit. He steps toward the good guys, gesturing with his hands. "Would you all just DIE already? Ya' makin' me LOOK bad."

"_Shut up_," Ashley calls from the corner of her mouth, disguising her voice with a cupped hand.

"WHO SAID DAT?" Irving yells, looking around furiously.

Ashley points at Steve.

"IRVING!" Wesker yells. The bedraggled man looks back at his business partner. "SHOOT THEM."

Irving smoiks, then turns to face his foes, drawing a gun. "Meowth, dat's right!" he says, aiming at Chris.

Ada just shoots the gun out of his hand. Irving jumps, yelping, staring at his hand. After a few minutes of swearing and general exclamations of disbelief, he resigns himself to moping about.

Kamesen coughs loudly.

Jill sighs, taking her cue. She puts on a plague doctor mask and stomps over to Irving, slapping something into his palm. "Use this," she says, her voice muffled. Then she walks back to the good guys and takes off the mask.

Irving stares at the hamburger in his hand. He raises it to his mouth and takes a bite, chewing thoughtfully. After a moment, he gags and chokes, coughing violently. "Gahk!" Irving chucks the rest of the burger away from him, stumbling around like a dope and then falling to his knees. "Damn Excella.. I guess I wasn't worth the good stuff.." With that, he falls into the ocean and is swallowed by a whale or something.

"Did someone mention me?" a woman with a ridiculously terrible (Italian? Russian? Czechoslovakian?) accent says, sauntering seductively over to Wesker.

Wesker forces himself not to have the world's most miserable headache as Excella Gionne makes the scene, chuckling stupidly and dragging her hands all over his outfit.

"HEY, PAISANO," Ashley screams, hands cupped around her mouth to add volume, "THEY EVER GET AROUND TO INVENTING _BRAS _IN ITALY?"

Excella tries to pretend that she ignores Ashley's comment, but it's obviously stressing her out quite a bit. Just as she is about to formulate a witty comeback, Chris pulls out a laser pointer and aims it at her. Excella sees the small red dot wobbling around on her boob, and she immediately freaks out, flailing her arms and screaming.

"ALBERT, HELP!" the flustered woman yells, clip-clopping towards Wesker on her ridiculous heels.

"I DO NOT KNOW THIS PERSON," Wesker insists, speedily walking away from Excella as she fumblingly chases him.

"ALBIIIEEEE!" Excella cries, making a big sad face. "WE WERE SUPPOSED TO RULE THE WORLD TOGETHER!"

Hunk walks up and plants his boot against her butt. "Oops," the mercenary grunts, shoving Excella off the sub. She hits the water and splashes around, cursing angrily until Chris aims the laser pointer at her again. This causes her to scream in terror and hurriedly swim away in a clumsy, panicked manner.

"Thank you Hunk," Wesker says, blowing out a sigh of relief.

ooo

Meanwhile, back in the Hideout of Hatred, Alexia is on her twelfth martini.

"ANIOUNNUHFBBFGB," she bleats, hurling her glass at Salazar's body. Saddler is asleep.

Wesker's face pops up on the monitor. "SEND US SOMEONE _COMPETENT,_" he demands. Alexia just stares at him for a moment, narrows her eyes, and then releases a tremendous, room-shaking belch.

ooo

Back on the sub, Wesker grinds his teeth at the communicator screen. "Ooooh, I hates her," he growls.

"HEY LOOK!" Morpheus shouts. He is jumping up and down and pointing at the sky. Everyone looks upward..

Fat Majini is parachuting down, asleep. He hangs limply from the chute pack on his back, snoring. As everyone watches, the enemy drifts aside, missing the sub, and lands in the ocean with a quiet splash.

Wesker is silent for a few moments. Then he removes his sunglasses and lowers his head, pinching the bridge of his nose.

On the other side of the sub, the good guys are all snickering quietly.

"Bring me.. everyone," Wesker orders aside.

Krauser creases his brow, leaning in to address the man. "Whaddaya mean, 'everyone'?"

Wesker spins around, his eyes full of rage. _"EEEEVV-VEERR-RYYYY-OOOOOONN-NNEEEE," _he screams, with precise enunciation.

Krauser gives a pitiable little squeal and feints. Wesker turns his eyes on Hunk. Hunk jumps a bit, widens his eyes, and looks left, looks right, then looks left again and hurriedly smashes his fist against a big red button.

Out of nowhere, seven figures burst through a metal-barred door! That crazy chainsaw guy, the other crazy chainsaw guy, the crazy chainsaw sisters, giant hammer guy, Lisa Trevor, and a bandersnatch. They immediately give chase to the good guys, scattering the crew.

"What ARE these things? Monsters?" Barry shouts as he runs, Chris and Jill beside him. Crazy chainsaw guy whoops and hollers, staggering crazily at the trio while swinging his chainsaw to and fro. Lisa Trevor hobbles along after them, drooling and wailing and making other disgusting noises.

Meanwhile, other crazy chainsaw guy has cornered the Birkins. Annette, William, and Sherry all back up, pointing at one another and trying to push each other forward.

Crazy chainsaw sister #1 riding on the bandersnatch's back and going after Leon, Ada, and Claire. Leon runs for his life, Claire swiftly moonwalks beside him while glaring at the enemy, and Ada chooses to cartwheel her way to safety alongside her comrades.

Crazy chainsaw sister #2 chases down Steve and Ashley, who wisely split up. The saw-wielding psycho looks left, then right, then shrieks in crazy rage and whirls around before going after Steve. His high-pitched screaming alerts Ashley, who bravely doubles back and runs to save him.

Billy has wised up, and is taking refuge with Brad inside an exhaust port.

That leaves Rebecca and Anthony to fend against giant hammer guy.

"HWURGH," giant hammer guy hwurghs, advancing upon the cowering pair.

Rebecca stamps her foot, looking super angry as their impending doom approaches. "This is such BULLSH(air horn)T," she yells. "Why do we keep getting stuck with the biggest, meanest monster? I mean we're like.." she swings her arm, gesturing to Anthony, "a hundred pounds, TOGETHER. If that! I'm a FIELD MEDIC. He's a...a..."

"Coffee boy," Anthony interjects helpfully, sighing.

Rebecca throws her arms in the air, also sighing. "Right! How are WE expected to beat this THING, this-" as she turns around to gesture to the enemy, giant hammer guy is already bringing his giant hammer down on her!

"SHIEUFGEOEF!" Anthony flubbers, his lips twisting to form flabbergasted sounds of shocked dread at the sight of his unlikely but potential love interest about to be turned into kibble. Without further hesitation, he pulls out a Playstation controller and mashes 'L1' and 'R1' simultaneously.

A blurred cutscene ensues, with Anthony valiantly sprinting towards Rebecca and giant hammer guy. "Geeeyyyaaauuuurrrrgh," he shouts unflatteringly in super slow-mo. Rebecca likewise shrieks in horrified slow-mo, cringing reflexively.

Time speeds up again as Anthony tackles Rebecca aside, yielding a 'GAH, MY KIDNEYS,' from the medic as they hit the sub. Giant hammer guy's hammer smashes into the metal roof where Rebecca once stood, creating quite a sizeable dent. In classic bad-guy brute style, he stands up and looks around, wondering where his target went.

ooo

"Get up, Salazar," Alexia slurs, grabbing the little man and throwing him. His limp body sails a few feet and then bounces on the floor a couple of times before coming to a stop. Alexia sighs drunkenly and turns her eyes to Saddler.

The creepy robed villain straightens in his throne. "Um, er." He smiles confidently. "My boy Salazar will make sure those good guys follow the same fate."

Alexia blinks. "What."

"N..nothing," Saddler says, clearing his throat.

Alexia shrugs, plops Salazar on the same catapult she had used to hurl Alfred, and pulls the launch lever. "GO FORTH AND DEE-_STROY!_" The villainess yells, with a heavy southern drawl.

Salazar's body is hurled out the window with incredible speed, sailing into the distance..

ooo

Meanwhile, Rebecca and Anthony are slowly backing away from giant hammer guy, while trying out different karate poses with their hands.

"This isn't a fair fight!" Anthony complains. "It's more like _terrorism._"

Just as he says that, Salazar's body comes flying out of nowhere and slams into the roof of the submarine. The pint-sized menace immediately pushes himself up, getting to his feet. "Terrorism," he states, stroking his chin. "Isn't that a popular _word _these days.."

Before anyone can even wonder 'What the hell', Salazar jumps into his Hotwheels motorized jeep and starts cackling evilly and zipping around, joined by a half dozen Majini on dirtbikes.

Marcus claps his hands together, grinning. "Now THIS is more like it!"

Alfred plants two fingers in his mouth, letting out a sharp whistle of appreciation before clapping wildly.

"I think this might be overkill, man," Carlos states, and receives a slap to the back of the head by Wesker.

Anthony and Rebecca go back-to-back, looking around bewilderedly at the tiny Spaniard zipping by on his Hotwheels jeep, the rootin' tootin' hollerin' Majini chain gang on their dirtbikes popping wheelies all around them, and the ever-pants-crapping presence of giant hammer guy looming. Meanwhile, the others are still being chased around by the crazy chainsaw group, the bandersnatch, and Lisa Trevor. Things look grim.

"W-whadda we DO?" Rebecca cries, arms akimbo and fingers wriggling in anticipation as if she were a wild west gunslinger.

Anthony Mihovich swallows really hard, glaring at the swarm of enemies and trying to pretend that he's not sweating up a storm. "I got no idea…"

Salazar shouts a command and points his finger at the duo. One of the Majini bikers hollers an incomprehensible reply and swings a chain at Anthony's head..

* * *

_Holy cripes on toast! Things are getting serious! Next time, on Resident Evil: Super Quest! Will the good guys be able to overcome these overwhelming odds! Will the bad guys step in and finish the job? Will Anthony get slapped in the face with a really big chain? Will Alexia run out of martini mix? Stay tuned for more action! More chainsaws! More screaming! More Wesker! More nudity! Less nudity! Plot holes! Ladies night! Drinks half off! I don't know! Please enjoy my show._


	29. Not Today!

**Chapter 29: Not Today!**

Time slows to a crawl. Our young genius, Rebecca Chambers, takes in the scene with a mind that works faster than you can say 'Holy crap'. The chainsaw gang, Lisa Trevor, and the bandersnatch, are all pursuing various good guys around the roof of the beached submarine. Six Majini are rip-roaring around on dirtbikes, and one of them is swinging a chain at Anthony's head. Salazar is zipping by in his Hotwheels jeep, laughing in super slow motion, and giant hammer guy is about to take a massive swing...

All of this, angles, trajectory, and wind resistance included, calculates through Rebecca's amazing mind in mere microseconds.

"ANTHONY!" she yells, "_PULL YOUR SOCKS UP!_"

The gangly lad gawks at her for a moment before quickly ducking, just in time for the dirtbike Majini's chain to whip through the air where his head had been moments ago—and wrap around giant hammer guy's hammer. Hammer guy stumbles, dropping his hammer, while dirtbike Majini is yanked off of his bike and goes flipping through the air, screaming the whole time. The large hammer smashes into the front of Salazar's jeep, hammer guy barrels into Lisa Trevor, the taut chain clotheslines chainsaw guy #2, while the out of control dirtbike takes out chainsaw sister #1 and the bandersnatch she's riding on. Salazar's jeep flies through the air, landing on chainsaw guy #1, and Salazar bowls into chainsaw sister #2. The remaining dirtbike Majini shriek in confusion and wobble around, smashing into each other and exploding.

Krauser is holding the sides of his head, his mouth agape at what has just happened.

Alfred faints. So does Brad.

Wesker's jaw is set so tightly that you can hear his teeth squeak. Hunk is taking notes. Morpheus is covering his eyes. Marcus falls to his knees, asking the heavens 'why'.

Carlos is just surveying the wreckage and going 'Duuuuude...'

Chris and Jill exchange high-fives, while Barry ruffles Rebecca's hair as she shrugs and smirks innocently with a sort of 'Oh did I do that?' expression.

Lisa Trevor, having eaten giant hammer guy, belches loudly. She then hacks up a femur and promptly goes to sleep.

Leon is pumping his fist super hard, while Claire is clutching her stomach and wheezing with hysterical laughter. Ada is smirking really big, and Steve and Ashley are hugging each other and cheering while jumping up and down and kicking their feet back.

The Birkins are poking at Salazar's body.

Anthony is awkwardly holding his hand out toward Rebecca to give her a congratulatory handshake on her handiwork, but she hasn't noticed him just yet.

Suddenly, Wesker runs over to Lisa and kicks her in the butt and then runs away.

Lisa arises with a furious roar, belching once or twice and then going on a rampage.

"LOOK OUT!" Jill yells.

"SHE'S _INSANE!" _Barry warns, holding his water pistol at the ready.

Lisa heads right for Rebecca, screaming and slobbering up a storm as she swings her arms with deadly force.

Just then, a shot rings out! Lisa reels sideways, grabbing her head and belching as the force of the .357 round knocks her for a loop.

Everyone gasps and looks over at none other than BILLY COEN!

"BILLY!" Rebecca exclaims. "YOU CAME BACK!"

Billy looks at her, furrowing his brow as he lowers his gun. "I didn't.. really go anywhere," he insists, looking around. "I mean I.. kind of hid in the ventilation shaft for a while, but that was only to avoid the mass freaking insanity of whatever.." he gestures around at the wreckage and chaos, "..THIS craziness was." Billy then nods to Rebecca. "Nice job with that, by the way."

Marcus slams his fists against the roof of the sub. "THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR!" he loudly laments in a sing-song voice.

Meanwhile, Lisa has recomposed herself and is searching hungrily for a new target.

"Lisa!" Wesker commands, pointing frantically at the good guys. "Seek! Seek! Kill!"

"Now THAT'S unfair!" Ada retorts, gesturing at the slavering monstrosity that is Lisa Trevor. "She's practically _invulnerable _for crying out loud!"

Brad sits up for a moment. "Make the author fight her." Then he faints again.

(two seconds later)

Kamesen stands before Lisa Trevor, staring in horror and disgust at the wretched creature. She is busy chewing on a random femur.

The author quickly looks around at everyone watching him. "Uh, Anthony stand in for me," he orders, gesturing to the rookie. "I command it."

"No way!" Anthony yells, swiping his arms in a firm 'no way' motion.

Kamesen walks over and slaps Anthony. Anthony stares in shock at the author for a moment, and then slaps him back. The two of them immediately go at it, grappling and shouting and pulling hair and clothing and generally making a big ol' fuss.

Claire Redfield beholds this pathetic sight alongside the others, and narrows her eyes as she looks from one flailing man to the other. "Wait..."

The female Redfield approaches the two, forcefully pulling them apart. "JUST HOLD IT A SECOND," Claire yells. Anthony and Kamesen huff and puff, wiping sweat aside and straightening themselves as they glare at one another and then at Claire. "Look at him," Claire insists. Kamesen obliges, glancing at Anthony. "Look at him and look at yourself. You're the same."

Everyone gasps. Brad sits up for a moment, then faints again.

Marcus shrilly demands an explanation for this, and a few people tell him to shut up.

Kamesen sighs, glancing downward. "It's true. I am Anthony Mihovich."

Everyone gasps again. Brad's still unconscious, so Barry reaches down and picks him up by the arm and then drops him again.

Anthony scratches the side of his face, then rubs his nose, staring long and hard at Kamesen. "Wait...you're me?"

"No," Kamesen replies. "You're _me._"

Upon being a witness to this profound revelation, Anthony Mihovich falls to his knees. He stares at Kamesen...at _himself. _"You mean I'm nothing more than a gratuitous self-insert, my only purpose being to fulfill the author's-...YOUR..twisted fantasy of being a character in a Resident Evil story?"

With a grave expression etched on his face, Kamesen places a heavy hand upon Anthony's shoulder. "Yeah." he nods. "Pretty much."

"Half a mo'," Rebecca interjects, shoving Anthony out of the way and facing Kamesen. "So what does all this say about ME, eh?" Kamesen begins sweating as Rebecca draws closer, furrowing her brow critically. "Is this entire story actually just some sordid plot to get in my pants?"

Kamesen shifts his eyes left and right quickly. "THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!" he yells, turning and running to the edge of the sub, then diving awkwardly into the sea.

Turning back to the others, Rebecca huffs and places her hands on her hips, shaking her head.

"This is so weird," Anthony mutters, rubbing his forehead while he stares blankly at this shoes.

Meanwhile, Lisa Trevor is hollering up a storm, her long arms held above her head as she roars and slobbers and searches for a new target. Setting her hollow, sunken eyes on Billy, she screams in bloodlust and shambles toward him. "_BUUURRRRRRR!"_

"Aw SHADDAP," Leon yells, running over suddenly and kicking Lisa in the groin. She belches up a femur and collapses, defeated.

"Holy CRAP!" Wesker exclaims, mouth agape. "Did that _seriously _just happen?"

Jill slams her hands onto her hips, guffawing haughtily with her chest puffed out. "It sure DID, Wesker! HAW."

The bad guys break down into angry complaining, mournful weeping, and threats of horrible violence. Meanwhile, Leon is marching around singing 'I am a Real American' while the good guys high-five one another and exchange congratulatory platitudes.

"Wesker," Chris starts, pausing to grin, "you're pitiful."

The blonde villain just stares quietly at Chris from behind his dark shades.

Then he turns around and starts walking away.

"Hey!" Chris yells, drawing his gun. "STOP!" Everyone pulls out weapons, aiming at Wesker and co.

Surprisingly, Wesker _does _stop. He turns his head aside, tossing a smirk back at the heroes. "Playtime is over, Chris. Byyyyyyyye~" Wesker heads back toward the beach, badguys in tow.

Meanwhile, the good guys just stand there aiming their guns at the retreating villains.

"Um," Rebecca whispers, "should we like..._shoot them _or something?"

"_NO_," Jill whispers back harshly.

Chris tightens his grip on his weapon, squinting. "Wait for it...wait for it...NOW." He runs forward suddenly, and a random metal door slides shut in front of him. "DAMN!" Chris yells, pounding his fist against the door. "He got away!"

"What?" Rebecca lowers her gun and walks over, peeking around the door. "What IS this?" She turns to Chris, who is grimacing and grunting and pacing in frustration. "Chris, you can just _go around the door. _Just _go around the door _and_ SHOOT WESKER._"

The hulky hero waves his hands in a dismissive windmill pattern, walking past Rebecca to address the others. "Ok gang, Wesker may have escaped our grasp.. But the main mission still stands!"

Groans of dismay float up from the crew. Brad goes into a coma.

"That's right," Chris continues, "we must go forward and purchase Resident Evil 5!"

Barry leans over to Steve, whispering at the teen. "Hey, seen the new trailer for Resident Evil 6 yet?"

"Yeah," Steve mumbles back. "I hope I'm in it."

Barry just leans back, staring awkwardly at the young man. Steve chews obliviously on his lower lip, and turns his attention to Claire's midriff.

"Hey cut the chatter!" Chris squeals. "Let's pony up and GET THAT GAME!" With that, he turns and begins meandering off aimlessly onto the sandy beach of Somewhere, Japan. The group reluctantly follows suit.

ooo

Meanwhile, back in the Heinous Hideout, Queen Alexia is- uh, passed out drunk in her throne, snoring loudly.

Saddler is sitting in his throne, just staring at her as if she has grown a second head. He draws a slow, steady breath through his nostrils, puffing his chest out as he does so. After a moment's pause, Saddler sighs and reluctantly pulls out a long blonde wig..

ooo

"UPDATE!" a faux feminine voice demands. Wesker and co. look around in bewilderment as they walk along the beach. "UPDAAAATE!" the voice shrieks again.

"Uh," Krauser pushes his beret aside to scratch his head. "Alfred, isn't that your deranged sister?"

The more delicate of the Ashford twins shakes his head violently. "NO. I would recognize her voice anywhere. And that most certainly is NOT my Alexia," Alfred notes with uncomfortable pride.

Confused, Kid Nemesis (still aged down) pulls the portable communicator out of his pocket. Osmund Saddler's hideous face appears on the screen. He is wearing lipstick, and has luxurious long blonde hair.

"THIS IS ALEXIA ASHFORD," Saddler announces shrilly, his voice cracking.

Wesker immediately breaks into hysterical laughter, doubling over and clutching his stomach.

Hunk and Carlos chuckle dryly, hiding their amused smirks. Salazar is shrieking with laughter, which causes him to weave erratically as he struggles to control his Power Wheels jeep. He smashes into a rock, still laughing.

"YOU ARE NOT ALEXIA!" Alfred screams, face reddened in rage.

"I AM TOO ALEXIA!" Saddler argues, batting his eyelashes and proudly tossing his hair back.

Wesker has pissed himself laughing, and is currently laying half-curled on his side, wheezing silently as tears trickle down his cheeks.

"I...rather like the new look," Morpheus states. Marcus nods in agreement, running his fingers through his own hair as he stares at the odd visage.

Kid Nemesis scratches his head in confusion. Krauser leans over, squinting at the communicator screen. "...Saddler?"

"N...NO," Saddler argues, his eyes shifting nervously. "THIS IS ALEXIA. AND I DEMAND AN UPDATE."

Krauser raises his eyebrows, shrugging. "Okay. Well, we got our asses handed to us by our enemies, thanks to our lack of powerful _comrades," _he informs, irked by the infuriating incident, "but we gave 'em the slip and now we're en route to the closest game store so that we can get our hands on Resident Evil 5."

Hunk leans over to Carlos while Krauser briefs the Sadlexia. "Hey...look, normally I'm not one to question orders," the mercenary begins, keeping his voice just above a whisper, "but what exactly _is _the significance of owning this game?"

Carlos shrugs, frowning with half of his mouth. "I don't know, man. It was the author's stupid idea."

"I resent that," Kamesen states, crawling out of the ocean beside them. He coughs up a fish, wrings out his shirt, shakes the water off of him, and addresses the bad guys. "How ya'll doin'?"

Alfred, still horrifically peeved that Saddler is parading around as his sister, confronts the author. "YOU'RE the one _writing _this stupid story!" he yells, waving a hand wildly. "YOU should know! We're _tired _and we want this thing to _end_ so that I can go home and BEAT SADDLER TO A PULP FOR IMPERSONATING MY SISTER!" As Alfred says this, he turns to address the communicator.

On the screen, Sadlexia feigns shock and anger. "How...how DARE you say that about Lord Saddler!" he retorts. "He's a beautiful man, and strong, and handsome, and.. and I'm in _LOVE _with him!"

Dead silence.

Carlos snorts outwardly, pursing his lips to keep from laughing as he turns away. Marcus rolls his eyes, and Morpheus just looks really concerned. Hunk frowns in distaste. Krauser is looking worried. Wesker is still laying on the ground, listening in, an open-mouthed grin of sheer glee frozen on his face.

Alfred's lips quake with mounting fury, his face changing from red to crimson. A deafening cry of hate bursts from his mouth, and he lunges for the communicator. Kid Nemesis roars in tiny disapproval, yanking the communicator away and then running off with it.

Salazar gives chase in his jeep, cheering Alfred on. Krauser and Hunk lift Wesker between them and follow on foot, with Carlos casting a glance behind him to watch for their enemies. He is still chuckling to himself.

Marcus and Morpheus share a glance of utter disdain for the situation. They simultaneously sigh and rudge along after their evil compatriots.

Kamesen, with nothing better to do (and having no one else who can stand his presence), decides to tag along with the band of baddies for now.

ooo

Elsewhere, Josh Stone makes his way across the Japanese countryside, trying to locate Kirk so that he can get a helicopter ride back to BSAA HQ and pick up the Resident Evil 5 game on the way. Sheva Alomar incessantly follows him, constantly telling him that he 'needs to be careful' and 'don't be reckless'.

Just when Josh is preparing to roll his eyes for the eight-thousandth time, the two of them run across a Japanese couple. "Good morning," Josh greets them, then asks "I'm trying to find the nearest video game store..."

The couple look at each other, then look at Josh, and then shrug.

"Allow me," Sheva says, stepping forward. She clears her throat, and then politely asks- in flawless formal Japanese- where the local videogame shop is.

Josh raises his eyebrows, gaping. "Sheva, how did you do that?"

She sighs in response. "I was born in Africa, moved to the U.S., and learned to speak English...in a British accent." Pausing, Sheva glances at Josh. "So...yeah. Things don't have to make sense."

Meanwhile, the Japanese couple is still shrugging. Repeatedly.

Sheva frowns, tracing a frowny face on her lips to exaggerate the expression. "You still don't understand us?"

The man speaks up. "No, we got you the first time. We just don't know where the heck the videogame shop is."

"Good luck though," the woman adds. The couple walks off.

Josh and Sheva gape at each other, then slap their foreheads and fall over. This is followed by a musical cue and canned laughter.

ooo

"Maybe I'm the one. Maybe I'm the one. Who is. The schizophrenic psycho, yeah," Anthony Mihovich sings to himself as the team walks along. He is still apparently somewhat shaken by the revelation that the author is...him.

Ashley, walking nearby, pulls out a guitar and plugs it into a mini amp carried by Steve. She accompanies Anthony's singing with expert playing. Steve stares longingly at her mad guitar skills, and seems to be conflicted as he looks from Ashley, to Claire, to Ashley again.

Leon chimes in suddenly. "BACK IN THE DAYS, WHEN WE WERE YOUNG-" he is interrupted by a slap to the back of the head from Claire.

Meanwhile, Barry seems concerned about something. He falls into step beside their fearless leaders. "Uh, Chris?"

"Yep," Chris answers.

Barry scratches his beard worriedly. "I'm wondering how we're going to get the game."

Jill looks up from her crossword puzzle while she walks. "What do you mean, Barry?"

"Well, we're in Japan, right? But...I don't think any of us speaks Japanese.." the heavyset man trails off, doing his classic 'dang it' wince.

Chris frowns, turning as they walk, and looking over the team. His gaze falls upon Ada. He smiles. Sensing that someone is staring at her, the woman looks back at Chris. "Does 'Wong' sound Japanese to you?" she mutters exasperatedly. Chris squints, frowning again as he turns forward.

"Hey," Leon pipes up, "you Birkins are pretty sharp. Any of you bilingual?"

"_Nein_," Annette remarks, flipping through her notes on the D-Virus.

Suddenly, Steve raises his hand. "Hey, I speak Japanese!" He grins at Claire. "Want to know how to say 'Rockin' booty' in Japanese?"

She decks him in the face with a right hook.

"I just forgot all the Japanese I ever knew," Steve reports dazedly, grabbing at the invisible birdies chirping around his head.

Chris sighs, throwing his hands in the air. "Great! Thanks a _LOT, _Claire!" he snaps. Claire just blows a raspberry at her brother.

"We'll burn that bridge when we come to it," Jill assures the team, while continuing her crossword puzzle.

Billy rolls his eyes. "I think you meant 'cross' that bridge when we come to it."

Jill grabs her buttcheek and makes a fart noise with her mouth.

Meanwhile, William Birkin is grabbing his tummy wummy. "Is anyone else.. ridiculously hungry?" he queries. The team regards his question with grunts and various half-hearted shrugs.

"Quit whining, 'Willhelm'," Claire says, causing the man to weirdly bare his teeth at her.

Sherry interjects with an interesting statement. "Dad, you're probably hungry on account of the G-Virus running rampant through your veins."

"Indeed," William responds, stroking his chin in thought. He casts a curious gaze upon his aged-up kin. "Any thoughts on how I should counter this terrible hunger?"

Sherry walks in silence for a moment. Then she looks to William again. "You could eat mom."

Annette doesn't seem fazed. She looks at her husband as they walk along, staring straight into his eyes. "Eat me, William. Eat me."

He just stares back at her, an expression of distaste crossing his face. "Bleh. No thanks, 'bro'."

Leon turns as they walk, appalled at William's misuse of his precious one-liner. "I think the hunger is making your husband crazy," he remarks.

"Nonsense," Annette says with a wave of her hand. William, meanwhile, is mumbling to himself and snatching at invisible flies around his head.

"Everyone looks like giant burritos," he mumbles.

Ada steps up her pace a bit, nervously glancing back. "I, for one, do not wish to become his next meal," she states. "Someone do something scandalous."

"Huh?" Barry furrows his brow, looking puzzled.

"Just trust me," Ada insists. "Do something scandalous."

Claire shrugs and reaches over, flipping Ashley's skirt up. "Woop!"

Before Ashley can even gasp in shock, Ben Bertolucci runs up and snaps a photo of the event. "What a scoo-"

William roars monstrously and the G-Type giant doglike monster head bursts out of his mouth and swallows Ben whole. The entire mess is sucked back into William's face in the next instant.

Everyone (except for Annette and Sherry) beholds the scientist with expressions of horror, terror, fear, confusion, and 'I may have pooped a little'.

Opening his (regular) mouth again, William emits a long, deep belch of earth-shaking proportions. A camera flies out and hits the ground. "Pardon me," he says, patting his chest. "Whew. Ok I'm good."

The crew wordlessly continues walking. Albeit a bit further ahead of the Birkins than before.

"Man," Steve mumbles, "Now I'M hungry..."

* * *

_Author's Note: Heavens to Betsy! The good guys managed to cheat death for now, but how long until the bad guys regroup and re..attack? They've made it to Japan.. and now it's a neck-and-neck dog-eat-dog ten-cents-off battle of the bands over who will purchase Resident Evil 5 first! Tune in next week to watch Brad crap his pants or something!_

ON THE NEXT EXCITING EPISODE OF RESIDENT EVIL: SUPER QUEST!

Ada: Oh Anthony..  
Anthony: What.  
Kamesen: HEY, I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET WITH HER.  
Claire: Oh Anthony..  
Anthony: STOP IT, I'M SCARED.  
Kamesen: Dang it, why aren't they listening! When I say 'Falls in love with Anthony', that means ME, not HIM!  
Wesker: You have to put 'Kamesen', you dope! Or else they'll jump on your lame-ass self insert!  
Ada: What! I jump on no one, lest it be to disembowel them with a hidden dagger!  
Marcus: Oh Kamesen..  
Kamesen: ...I did not write that.  
Marcus: YES YOU DID  
Steve: Oh Claire..  
Claire: Shut up, you crap-tastical craphead! *swings a punch at him*  
Hunk: Oh Ada..  
Rebecca: Oh, brother!  
Everyone: *LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY*


	30. Throw Down

**Chapter 30: Throw Down**

Eventually, our heroes (and villains) find their way to a nearby city. As they wind through the bustling streets, taking in the sights and sounds of urban Japan, a confrontation becomes inevitable..

"There it is!" Jill exclaims, yanking her beret down in astonishment with both hands before pointing frantically and hopping up and down.

The good guys follow her pointing with a shared turn of heads...

**ooo**

"There it is!" Alfred screams, slapping himself across the jaw to contain his excitement.

The bad guys simultaneously raise their eyebrows in confusion, and glance in the direction of Alfred's astonished gaze...

**ooo**

Game Champ stands proudly amidst the other buildings along the crowded venue, an enormous animatronic Hello Kitty mascot dressed in Master Chief battle armor poised over the entrance. One of the mascot's eyes is hanging loose and sparking as its robotic jaws open and close to the rhythm of its left arm gradually moving up and down. "_Gonk. Gonk. Gonk_."

Simultaneously, both groups round opposing street corners and spot the building. Simultaneously, both groups race forward with ravenous abandon.

Locals and tourists alike yelp in surprise and scramble out of the way as the two forces converge upon the game store. Barry makes noises like a train to help out.

Chris and Wesker are first on the scene, grappling, screeching, and pulling hair like grade-schoolers. Their respective groups await quietly on either side of the brawl, doing such as shaking their heads disapprovingly toward members of the other team, and pounding fists into palms. Brad even goes as far as to hock a loogey and spit it aside.

Game Champ's part-time greeter stares in awe and a smidge of fright at the sudden violence, but he quickly gathers his wits. He bows to the...customers...and opens the door for them, gesturing inside.

Chris and Wesker cease their scuffling briefly, looking at the greeter, the door, and then at each other.

Tensions are high.

Wesker slaps Chris and hurriedly ducks inside the shop. Chris wipes his hands down his face several times in rapid succession, making a frustrated squealing noise before running in after Wesker.

**ooo**

Hunk cracks his neck one way, then the other. The other bad guys chuckle darkly and nod their approval/support. Hunk remains coldly stoic. Like a big muscular human-shaped icicle.

Jill 'hmphs' and raises her eyebrows in somewhat feigned acknowledgment. Not to be outdone though, she rebuts by cracking her knuckles, then her toes, her knees, her left shoulder, and- with a twist of her hips- cracks her spine loudly. Meeting Hunk's eyes unwaveringly, she then reaches back and cracks her butt. Hunk narrows his eyes just noticeably, while the other bad guys 'oooh' quietly and lean back, wincing in recognition of a total badass.

Rap battle incoming.

Two microphones lower on cables. William looks over and elbows a boombox. It starts pumping out some hard beats. Salazar grabs the first microphone as it lowers. The second mic bops Leon on the head, and he ducks, glaring at it for a second before he snatches it up.

Salazar is the first to rap. He strides up confidently and crafts his rhyme. "Oh look, what we have, Meester Scott Kennedy- he's caught a nasty virus and there's no remedy- if he slept with less hos, he wouldn't be such a loser –we know the president's daughter is a substance abuser."

The pint-sized minion cackles wickedly as his comrades whoop and holler, and the good guys boo and hiss, along with an angry "F(clown shoe)CK YOU!" from Ashley. Leon seems unfazed, though. As he holds his mic thoughtfully, arms folded across his chest, the agent merely smirks. It's his turn to step up..

"That's a lot of _tall talk_ about some stupid little virus- I've got a fly grill, your face is crumpled up papyrus- my hair is straight and my skin is clean- you look like you could use some Maybelline." Leon grins as the good guys cheer him on. Salazar is infuriated, and the bad guys are just covering their mouths and trying not to laugh.

"NO MORE GAMES!" Salazar screams, swiping his arm aside in a violent gesture. "KILL. _KILL!_"

Verdugo runs up out of nowhere, hissing and swinging its clawed arms. Sherry stoically blasts it with a hastily concocted batch of liquid nitrogen. Leon then roundhouse kicks it, shattering the minion.

"Well, that happened," Jill grunts. "Alright, NEXT UP."

Alfred shoves his way to the front of his group, panting angrily. "Let ME handle this, you morons!" He takes a moment to compose himself and make sure that his hair is super nice and neat. Meanwhile, Brad- in a surprising display of bravery- takes the other mic. He is breathing hard through his nose and getting himself super pumped up.

"Ok, yo yo yo!" Alfred shouts, as the boombox continues to pour sick beats into the mean streets. "My name is Alfred, and I'm here to say- Brad Vickers is a coward and he's SUPER GAY!- He flies a chopper like my mom bakes cake- and abandons his teammates when their lives are at stake!" Alfred blows a kiss and winks at Brad, who is fuming. The two teams express such exclamations as 'Daaaaaamn' and 'oh hell no!'

"Listen up!" Brad barks into his mic. "You call me gay, but you're a cross-dressing FREAK.- My rhymes are stellar, your words are WEAK.- You shoot like my grandma and your wig is made of yarn- your chump-ass couldn't hit the side of a barn!"

Brad drops the mic, but since it's on a cable from above it just kind of hangs there. It's still cool though, it's still cool. The two groups are in an uproar now. Alfred is bawling hysterically, Brad is doing a little breakdance, and Barry is trying to give everyone high-fives. The scene is getting CRAZY. Meanwhile, inside the Game Champ...

**ooo**

Chris barrels down one isle, while Wesker races down another. Both men tear through game after game, bloodshot eyes hungrily searching for the one, the only, Resident Evil 5. "HAH!" Wesker cries suddenly, victoriously. Chris gasps in dismay, and stands on his tip-toes to peer into the next isle at his foe.

Wesker is standing there grinning, holding a copy of 'My Little Pony: So Many Picnics' for the PS3. The grin slowly fades from Wesker's face as realization sinks in. Wordlessly, he turns his head in a careful motion to meet Chris's worried gaze. A moment of uncomfortable silence passes between them.

Chris very slowly ducks out of view behind the aisle.

**ooo**

Back outside, the scene is PRETTY CRAZY. A small crowd has gathered around the two groups. The beat box is at full volume. Billy and Marcus have just gone. Marcus was boo'd instantly when he started singing opera. Billy fared only slightly better, sputtering out after he tried to rhyme something with 'orange'. Before that, Steve threw down with Nemesis. Steve actually did fairly well, busting out some fierce poetry. Nemesis just screamed at him when it was his turn, which was hilarious because he is still aged down.

Ada is up next, and surprisingly, Excella has shown up to challenge her. Ada starts off. "I guess in your country, they never heard of braziers- Your outfit is lacking, and does not induce fear- Nice heels, by the way, I'm sure you get away fast- In a zombie apocalypse, your ass would be grass."

Excella, her eyes full of bra-less Italian fury, grabs her mic and answers immediately. "Like you've got room to talk, in your silk and your stilettos- You wouldn't last a DAY in the Umbrella Corp. ghettos- You call yourself a spy but you're not fooling anyone- I'm surprised you even know how to handle a gun."

"Pull her hair!" Steve shouts. The groups are in an uproar. But surprisingly, Excella and Ada play it cool. They do that thing where you nod but your head goes up instead of down. It is a sign of totally cool mutual respect for one another.

"Hella respect," Barry grunts, putting on a hat and turning it sideways.

Ashley and Krauser step up next. Krauser makes an awful face at Ashley, who responds by reaching into her pocket and pulling out a-.. oh she's flipping him off. She's.. pretending that she found a middle finger in her pocket, essentially is the joke here. I see. Nice one, Ashley!

Grabbing the mic, Ashley throws down with absolutely zero hesitation. "You're a muscle-bound jerk with a penchant for betrayal- With your science fair robot squad just READY to fail- You think you're so big and you think you're so bad- But you're not scaring anybody; cute facepaint, _comrade._"

Krauser is so steamin' mad that his face matches the red streaks adorning his little cheeky-weekys. "You're just a blonde-haired bimbo and your head is full of air- your one redeeming factor is your vacant stare- 'cause when you open your mouth, we all cover our ears- your insufferable voice is what we truly fear."

Ashley runs forward, barking and foaming at the mouth, her eyes full of Crazy. The good guys hold her back desperately, and Annette injects her with a sedative. The crew drags Ashley back as she weakly kicks her leg and lets out a few more weak barks. The bad guys look somewhat nervous.

**ooo**

Inside the shop, Chris and Wesker have resorted to running up and down the aisles and just throwing games and merchandise around without one single care. Other shoppers in the store give them a wide berth, and mutter such as "Freaking Americans," every now and then.

One oblivious little boy stands in the middle of the aisle, watching the hijinks ensue. He is licking an oversized lollipop. Wesker runs up, does a misty flip over the boy, and lands behind him, continuing on his way. Chris follows, but stops when he reaches the boy. The muscled hero picks the tyke up and looks at his chubby little face. "Son, do you like justice?"

"Eh, it's ok I guess," the boy replies. Chris grins tightly, and nods.

"Good. Tell me where to find the Resident Evil 5 game. It's for justice."

"That game sucks," the kid scoffs, 'pff'ing. Chris grins even more tightly.

"Just.. tell me.. where.. to find it.. before I crush your adorable little skeleton."

Shrugging, the boy gestures with a nod to a shelf behind the counter. There, in plain view, sits exactly one copy of Resident Evil 5.

Chris gasps super slowly and deeply, filling his chest with sweaty air. "THANKSKID," he gushes dropping the boy. The young lad parachutes to safety as Chris bolts to the front of the store-

But a dark blur intercepts him. Chris looks up in horror as Wesker now stands at the checkout counter, cackling wickedly. The clerk just stares tiredly at him. Wesker composes himself. "I would like your finest copy of Resident Evil 5, starring Me," he orders politely. As Chris looks on in helpless, butt-curdling terror, the clerk turns to retrieve the copy..

"That'll be five bucks."

Wesker smiles confidently, and reaches into his pocket. Then his other pocket. The smile becomes strained as the villain pats himself down, muttering under his breath. "..could have sworn I had some dough on me.."

He spins around suddenly. "Redfield. Lend me five bucks."

Chris puffs his cheeks out and then expels a lip-flapping noise resembling a laugh and a sneeze. "Fat chance, Alberto Gomez!" he guffaws, shaking his head at Wesker in stark disbelief.

Wesker grits his teeth, a tight growl rising in his throat as he grabs his nemesis by the cheeks. Chris frowns defiantly and breathes fast and hard through his nose.

"Sir," the clerk interrupts, "if you can't pay, then get out of the line. I have other customers, ya know."

Composing himself once again, determined to cling to whatever dignity he may have left, Wesker straightens his trenchcoat, sniffs aloofly toward Chris, turns to the right, and immediately breaks down sobbing.

"Ha ha," Chris laughs, amused at his enemy's expense. He then steps up to the counter and addresses the clerk. "Yo yo yo, roll that fatty for this pimp daddy."

"Five bucks," the clerk repeats.

Chris stops smiling, and appears to be somewhat insulted. "...I don't have any _money._"

**ooo**

Outside, Jill is spinning around on her head, breaking it on down like no one else can. She then props herself up on one hand, kicks her legs out, pops a hop, and lands in a split. Somehow she is wearing sunglasses now, and she folds her arms across her chest. "Hell yea, son," she says. The good guys whoop and holler and carry on in quite a ruckus.

Meanwhile, Carlos is performing a traditional Latin samba. Marcus narrows his eyes. "I thought you were Native American," he ponders aloud.

Carlos rolls his eyes as he finishes the dance, yielding light applause from his cohorts. "You think Japanese video game developers know the difference between a Native American and a Latin American?" Marcus raises his eyebrows and nods thoughtfully, considering this.

The rap battle had transformed into a dance-off for a little while. Barry and Morpheus had gone previously, Barry displaying the average dancing ability of a middle-aged white male, while Morpheus could seriously not stop laughing long enough to dance back.

For some time, Hunk and William have been making a lot of really mean faces at one another. Currently, William is jutting his lower jaw out and pulling his cheeks down, while Hunk is pulling his nose up and making sounds like a dying moose. Carlos shoves Hunk forward. Jill shoves William forward. The two enemies meet in the middle, coldly staring at one another as their respective crews cheer and chant and rant and pant. Barry starts doing a really insane fast jig.

Hunk grabs the mic first. "Doctor Birkin, I presume, by your idiotic hair- you moved into the Raccoon City ninja turtle lair- you'd better tell your wife to call an ambulance soon- you're gonna need a TEAM of medics for 'that bullet wound'."

"That's funny," William remarks, donning an enormous smile as he grabs his mic. The smile drops from his face as he glares at Hunk. "You second rate lap dog, slinking around- you don't belong in the sewer, you belong in the POUND- you want a 'sample' so bad, then I'll give you a taste- my rhymes will cut you to pieces, your teammates are _toothpaste_."

"YEAH, SON!" Annette screams, stomping toward the badguys and throwing out gang signs. "WHAT? WHAT?" Sherry quickly retrieves her mother before somebody decides to shoot the deranged woman.

The crowd is about as out of control as a crowd of native Japanese citizens can be. One or two people are actually raising their voices, even. Both the good guys and the bad guys continue to taunt and provoke one another as the boom box jams. Somehow, Kamesen and Anthony find themselves before the microphones.

"ME FIRST," Kamesen shouts. "You uh, you.. are such a hopeless romantic, you.. er, totally like Rebecca Chambers, but you.. also really admire Claire, and.. she's.. got pretty hair. Um..." Everyone starts sighing and rolling their eyes as the author continues his off-beat stuttering. "Something something, you're an idiot."

Anthony just slaps a hand over his face and refuses to even begin to try and rap.

The rest of the crew becomes restless. "Who's going NEXT?" Steve demands, pacing about furiously. Ada grabs him and gives him a firm shake, informing him that if he doesn't calm down, she will discretely dump him into the nearest toilet.

**ooo**

Alexia C. Ashford wearily lifts her head, blinking unevenly as the walls drift back and forth in her bleary drunk-o-vision. "Fffffuuuuuu-..." the menacing matriarch moans, and then belches wetly. "Shala...zler.. Salad-czar..." She scrunches her eyes shut, pinching the bridge of her nose as she attempts to sit up straight in her throne. "Salazar...bring me.. soda."

"Salazar isn't here, remember?" a shrill voice cracks. Alexia keeps her eyes shut for a beat. Then she opens them, appearing both angry and confused. She looks up to find the source of the voice.

Across the grand room, two blurry figures with long blonde hair warp and shimmer. Alexia blinks hard several times, trying to bring them into focus. Both figures overlap suddenly, forming one...man?

Osmund Saddler in a wig and lipstick sits on his throne, staring quizzically at Alexia.

The woman's eyes widen as she beholds this monstrosity. Saddler's eyes likewise become wider, albeit in fear and sudden realization. He yanks the wig off of his head, forcing a grin as he stuffs it behind his back.

Alexia just continues to stare unblinking at him. "I do not even want to know."

**ooo**

Alfred's communicator bleeps several times. He hurriedly yanks it out of his pocket, ripping his shirt in the process. Screaming in frustration, Alfred hits the 'receive' button. His sister's hungover visage appears on the screen. "SISSIE!" Alfred squeals, his angry face turning into a happy face.

"Shut up," Alexia mutters, wincing as her brother's shrill voice pierces her ears. "I need a status update and a Bloody Mary."

"We're having a rap battle!" Alfred cries. "It's totally hip and cool and such."

"HEY!" Claire yells from her group. "Is that Alexia? Tell her she smells bad!"

Alfred promptly shoots Claire an appalled/shocked glance, his mouth hanging open. Claire walks up and stuffs a hoagie in his face.

"I challenge you," she states, glancing at the communication screen.

Alexia stares at Claire. "...Naaaah I don't feel like it."

"Aw COME ON," Claire insists, stamping a foot.

Sighing, Alexia submits and prepares to throw down harsh rap wizardry. "I don't even know who you are; that's how little you matter- you look like Punky Brewster, only taller and fatter- get the f(bicycle bell)ck out my base, you insufferable twit- I don't have time for your idiotic girlscout bullsh(record scratch)t."

Alfred screams gleefully and then waves his fanny at Claire, mocking her horribly. Claire responds by snapping her microphone off of its cord and throwing it as hard as she can at his ass. Alfred crumples to the street, sobbing in disbelief, while Claire grabs the other mic and lays it down.

"You're a miserable matriarch with the brain of an ant- your dad was a moron, your brother a sycophant- I'll put you on ice, since you like it so cold- then I'll call up your grandmother, and put her on HOLD."

Barry turns his hat the other way, wheezing breathlessly in shock of how badly Alexia was just burned. He can't even summon enough breath to say 'Oh DAMN'. Jill is breakdancing, Billy is nodding furiously, and Brad is making some sort of lude gesture. Rebecca is just waving her arms going "YEAH! YEAH! _YEAH!_"

The bad guys have just about had it with this nonsense. But before the situation can escalate higher than a stoned space cadet, Chris and Wesker get thrown out of the store, landing hardcore hard on their butt-butts. Both men hop to their feet, growling and rubbing their bums as the shopkeep dusts his hands off and then politely bows while inviting them to come again once they actually have some cold hard cash.

"What the hell happened?" Jill asks as both teams huddle around their mighty leaders.

Chris rubs the back of his head, and Wesker suddenly decides to clean his sunglasses. They look ashamed.

Carlos sighs. "You didn't have the dinero, eh?"

"Well that's no big deal," Morpheus interjects. "We'll just pool our resources!"

Both groups immediately part and begin to throw all the contents of their pockets into two separate piles.

After a few minutes of scrambling, patting, plucking, digging, searching, swearing, hurt feelings, and not a little panting, there are two mounds of random odds and ends. Chris and Wesker order their respective teammates/henchman to sort through each pile and tally up how much cash they have.

On the good guy's side: Twelve balls of lint, two combs, a half-eaten pack of peanut butter crackers, five sticks of warm gum, one of those pinup lady pens where you flip it upside-down and her bikini comes off, a broken flashlight, a matchbook from the Holiday Inn, some peanut butter, forty dollars in Monopoly money, an ant named Jeoffry, two red gems, a sword crest, three pairs of handcuffs, a ballistics license, tickets to a Linkin Park concert, a lockpick set, keys to a sweet bike, a hand mirror with lipstick on it, a sample of the G-Virus (which Annette scurries to grab up), a melted piece of gold-wrapped chocolate, thirty-seven blue herbs, water ammo for a water pistol, blood for the Blood God, and a wooden nickel.

On the bad guy's side: Seven combs, eighty-nine tubes of extra-strength hair gel, extra sunglasses, a picture of Rebecca Chambers in her gym uniform with eraser marks over her shirt, some Flintstones Kids chewable vitamins, night vision goggles, night vision glasses, night vision contact lenses, four packets of syrup, an unused sniper rifle scope, a broken laser sight, more sunglasses, a VHS of The Magic Schoolbus, a Captain Clownface Super Face Paint kit, a red herb, a rocket launcher, a copy of Electric Pikachu Boogaloo, someone's underwear, a brick of tofu, three leeches, a hairbrush, and a waffle.

"NONE of us have any money?" Wesker shouts in disbelief, grabbing the sides of his head. The bad guys hang their heads in shame and perform other such actions as rubbing their toes against the ground and wringing their hands behind their back. Nemesis obliviously chews on the waffle.

Chris frantically starts searching his teammates pockets, insisting that someone MUST have a fiver tucked away somewhere that they've forgotten about. Claire pops him a solid one across the jaw. "Get a grip, Chris. No one's got any dough," she laments.

The disheartened leader falls to his knees, digging his hands into the pile of miscellaneous items. "But it can't end like this.." as he lifts his hands, the items fall through his fingers. "We've GOT to get that game! We've just GOT to! After all this time... and we came all this way..."

Barry frowns at seeing his teammate in such a sorry state. The large man lumbers on over to Chris, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Come on, Chris. Don't let it get you down. Let's just go back home..."

"Yeah," Billy chortles, folding his arms over his chest, "and hope we don't hit any toll booths on the way."

A moment of eerie silence passes. Chris slowly rises to his feet, and a look of gradual realization is upon his face as he turns around to face his team. "Billy...say that again.."

Billy narrows his eyes. "...toll booths?"

"BOOTHS!" Chris shrieks, grinning like a kid who just woke up to find that Christmas and Easter had been combined into one super holiday.

Everyone leans back, somewhat alarmed by their leader's outburst.

"Booths!" Chris yells again. "We'll set up BOOTHS and have people PAY MONEY to DO THINGS at our BOOTHS!"

Everyone looks at Jill. Jill looks at them and puts her hands up, shrugging and shaking her head.

"Oh, I get it!" Barry replies. "Like a county fair!"

"YES." Chris grabs the other man by the arms, giving him a squeeze. "That's EXACTLY what I mean, Barry! JUST like a county fair!" He then moves to Jill, grabbing her arms/squeezing also. He even gives her a little shake, causing her to have to steady her beret as she stares, bewildered, at him. "Booths! Photo booths, kissing booths, darts, freak shows, WHATEVER! We can do this! WE CAN GET MONEY AND THEN _GET RESIDENT EVIL FIVE!_"

Barry can barely contain his excitement, but everyone else still looks really confused.

Meanwhile, Wesker is listening in on all of this. He turns to his cohorts, filled with furious excitement. "Do that! The thing with the booths! Money! MAKE MONEY! _GO!_" he commands.

Everyone, good guys and bad, scrambles to action...

**ooo**

Meanwhile, in the Big Bad Base of Big Badness, Alexia is sitting in her throne and staring at Saddler, who is sitting in his throne. Saddler looks extremely nervous. Alexia blinks calmly, unfolds her legs and refolds them in the other direction, and then blinks again. Saddler swallows hard.

"Is that lipstick?" Alexia asks.

"Maybe," Saddler answers in a high voice. He clears his throat and responds with a second, lower 'maybe'.

Suddenly, the viewscreen comes on, and Salazar's face appears. He is shrieking with hysterical laughter.

Alexia slowly closes her eyes and wonders what her life has become.

* * *

_Author's note: Heavens to Betsy! It's a race within a race to raise money! Who will raise the five dollars first? Good guys or bad guys? WHO KNOWS? Do I know? No. I'm the author but I don't even know. Holy crap, I'm sorry. Tune in next time, and see what booth each person has built!_


	31. If You Build It

**Chapter 31: If You Build It...**

"Hammers and nails, ladies! Hammers and nails!" Chris yells, while slamming a hammer against a random piece of wood on the ground. He hauls off and smashes himself in the thumb, screaming immediately as he rolls onto his side and starts crying.

Beside him, Jill is erecting her own booth. "Easy does it, Christopher," she advises, tucking a nail behind her ear, holding one in her mouth, and then closing one eye to zero in on the nail in her hand. She carefully taps the nail into the wood, smiling at her progress- although that causes the nail in her mouth to drop down her shirt. "AAH! NO NO NO!" Jill screams, flailing around.

The others are spread out along the boardwalk as well, working hard to build their booths. Setbacks seem to be abundant. Leon is trying to upgrade his hammer, and Ada won't stop cartwheeling around and sabotaging everyone's work. She keeps insisting that she can't help it, but Claire has taken to chasing her around with a power saw after Ada shot a grappling hook through the window of her booth. Sheva and Josh have dropped by to help, but a swarm of chickens arrived as well and they have been tasked with rounding them up. Barry is helping them by strutting around and flapping his arms. Billy is making Steve build his booth, while he writes love letters to Rebecca. Steve hands that job off to Brad while HE writes love letters to Claire. And Brad is just sitting in the sand and crying. The Birkin couple is squabbling over whose booth blueprints are superior, while their daughter sighs uncontrollably. Ashley is holding her hammer upside-down and trying to pound a screw into a rock. Anthony, having glued his hands together, is now just looking at a pile of equipment and wondering how all of this stuff got here in the first place.

On the bad guy side of the beach, Wesker is shouting commands while laughing evilly. Krauser has assembled his robots to do his dirty work. Marcus has assembled his leeches, but they are having trouble dragging planks of wood around. After Krauser starts making fun of this, the robots and leeches quickly wage war upon each other. Kid Nemesis is just plopped on his fanny in the sand, quietly building a sand castle. Morpheus is doing his hair. Hunk, like Ada, can't help his saboteur urges and is currently hiding behind a sand dune, trying to resist the urge to knock down Salazar's booth. Alfred is trying to shout over Wesker and give orders to Kamesen, who is just standing with his arms crossed and shaking his head with wide, unblinking eyes. Carlos, on the other hand, has removed his shirt and is sweating under the morning sun as he fiercely pounds nail after nail into his booth. A small crowd of women, and even one or two men has gathered to behold this spectacle.

After a good couple of hours' work, the crews take a rest. Wesker has fallen asleep on his feet, and is mumbling commands between snoring. Krauser has converted one of his robots into a George Foreman grill and is cooking up burgers on the beach, while Kid Nemesis watches and licks his teeth in anticipation. Alfred is complaining about sand in his shoes, to which Marcus and Morpheus simultaneously yell at him to just go barefoot. Carlos and Salazar have set up a couple of hammocks, and are strumming on guitars and singing Spanish lullabies. Kamesen sings along, but only on the words that he knows.

On the good guy side of the beach, Claire and Barry have gathered some driftwood. Leon uses his trusty lighter to start a fire, and Josh and Brad start cooking some franks'n'beans that washed ashore in crates from the crashed sub. Ashley is grateful to have something other than porridge to eat. Chris and Jill are sitting back-to-back, Chris playing a harmonica while Jill fans herself with her beret. The Birkins have gathered several crustaceans, and dug out little pools for them to swim in while they discuss which would be the best to transform into a monstrous creature using the G-Virus. Rebecca is rolling her eyes at this, but taking notes anyway. Sheva and Steve try to figure out what kind of condiments they could scrounge up to go with the franks'n'beans, and Anthony sits by the ocean to see if he can refine sea salts with a magnifying glass and some leaves. Billy is sitting a little ways down the beach, looking for shells to make a necklace with.

Aaaand Hunk and Ada are making out in the surf, liplocked and rolling around as waves crash into them.

"This is the life," Krauser says, taking a bite out of his burger. He pauses chewing as he watches Kid Nemesis shove three burgers into his gaping maw at the same time, chomping messily.

"I am inclined to agree," Marcus replies, tossing some burger to his leeches, who devour it while making cute grunty noises. Morpheus nods while chewing, thoughtfully squishing his burger in one hand. A duck waddles up suddenly, quacking as it snatches the burger in its bill and swallows it whole. "HEY!" Morpheus shouts, chasing after it.

Alfred squirts some mustard onto his burger, frowning as he gets some on his expensive Victorian jacket, but chooses to ignore it for the time being. "Where did we even FIND this food?" he asks to no one in particular, taking a hearty bite of his burger.

"You're welcome," Kamesen grunts, jamming an entire pickle into his burger.

"YOU did this?" Morpheus blurts as he jogs up, the duck quacking and kicking its feet under one of his arms.

Carlos shrugs and reaches for a slice of cheese. "He IS the author, after all."

Kamesen snaps open a beer and raises it with sarcastic ceremony before taking a swig.

Salazar sets his plate aside, looking betrayed as he hops to his feet and brushes sand off of his bottom. "Wait, where deed you get a BEER from?! I want a BEER!"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Kamesen replies, holding the beer to the side. A young woman in a bikini smiles and takes it, holding it for him.

Krauser narrows his eyes. "And where did those supermodels come from?"

"JUST SHUT UP AND EAT YOUR BURGERS," Kamesen yells.

Back on the good guy side of the beach, everyone is enjoying franks'n'beans. Except Steve, who is eating udon noodles in a sea salt broth with spinach, artichokes, and shitake mushrooms.

Jill furrows her eyebrows, looking down at her bowl and then Steve's. "Where the HELL did you get _that?!_" she demands.

Steve shrugs, slurping up a noodle. "I'm a vegan. The author has accommodated my needs."

A distant 'SHUT UP' can be heard from the other side of the beach.

Chris leans over, peeking at Jill's bowl. "I think you got more franks in your franks'n'beans than I did," he mumbles. Jill angrily responds by grabbing his cheeks and squishing them.

William and Annette are dissecting their meal, conducting experiments with the beans and taking many notes. "They don't seem to like the beans," William notes, poking at a crab which promptly grabs his stick in its big claw and snaps it in half.

"Good," Annette says. "More for me." She makes a quirked face as she shifts to the side. Moments later, William raises his eyebrows, frowns, crinkles his nose, and glares at his wife.

Sherry, Ashley, Barry, and Brad are using bits and pieces of their meal as bait, attempting to catch some fish off a nearby pier using sticks and string. "I got a BIG one!" Ashley declares, reeling in her string quickly. Her excited smile slowly becomes a frown of disappointment as a withered old boot appears at the end of her line. "Aw NUTS!" With a huff, she chucks the boot behind her.

Just then, Sherry gets a tug on her line. Curious, she tugs back. Del Lago explodes out of the water, roaring furiously. The four fishermen leap up from the pier, scrambling for the shore.

Claire and Billy are poking at the fire with sticks, while Rebecca, Leon and Anthony do pushups in the sand. Anthony has fallen asleep on his face after two pushups.

Suddenly, Ada walks up and plops down on a log, breathing hard and soaking wet. Her hair is a mess, despite her attempts to fix it as she nervously looks around the campsite. Claire raises her eyebrows, glancing at the woman, but saying nothing before turning her attention back to the fire. Billy just suppresses a chuckle. Anthony is still asleep, and Rebecca has chosen to use him as a pillow, kicking back to catch a few z's herself. Leon is the first to speak.

"Let me guess. You were just 'distracting the enemy'," he sneers, rolling his eyes.

Ada glances at him, somewhat wide-eyed, water still dripping from her hair. "Yes. Yes I was," she states.

Leon blinks, surprised. "Oh. Ok." He hands Ada a bag of marshmallows that she is making grabby hands for.

Over at the bad guy side, Hunk drags himself over to a beach chair and plops down in it, blowing out a slow breath as he peers around the camp. Everyone is just staring at him and chewing their food very, very slowly.

The grizzled operative starts to say something, then stops, starts again, then thinks for a moment. Finally he snaps. "I _HAD_ TO DO IT," he blurts. "She... I didn't want her to sabotage our gear! So I...sabotaged..her heart."

Krauser clasps his hands beside his cheek, sighing wistfully while Wesker spits his food out in a nearby bush. Salazar just cackles.

Marcus stares quietly at Hunk, his lower lip quivering softly. "Hunk?" he starts, getting the man's attention. Marcus gathers his courage.. "What is it like to love a woman?"

Hunk is too busy shoving his mouth full of hotdog to answer. Morpheus reaches over and slugs Marcus on the shoulder.

Carlos and Alfred look up from their game of Uno as Wesker stumbles back out of the bushes, wiping his mouth off. "Alright you despicable vermin, back to work!" he orders.

Both crews spend a few more hours in the hot afternoon sun setting up booths. Lessons are learned.. friendships strengthened.. feelings hurt.. wallets stolen..

Chris instructs his sister about the do's and don'ts of using a table saw.

Alfred learns that paint taste bad.

Barry and Billy figure out how to make the perfect paper airplane.

Jill discovers fire.

Krauser throws Salazar into the ocean.

Rebecca teaches Anthony and Brad about mitosis.

Ashley teaches Steve about applying eyeliner.

Marcus and Morpheus form a barbershop duet.

Leon and Sheva build a sandcastle.

Brad builds a sadcastle.

Ada spies on Hunk.

Hunk spies on Ada.

Wesker orders Carlos to go get some 'really really good' sake.

William and Annette give Sherry, who is still aged up to 25, 'the talk'.

Kid Nemesis takes a nap.

Josh starts a boat collection.

Excella offers Irving some cheese to go with his whine.

"Wait how did they get here," Wesker demands blandly, pointing at the despicable duo. Irving retorts by breathing super hard between his teeth and drooling a lot.

Excella merely sighs. "Calm your forehead vein, Irving." She beholds Wesker in all of his tight-leather-pants-glory. "Wesky my dear, we are here to mend and defend."

Irving hops forward excitedly. "Meowth, dat's right!"

"Uuuurgh," Wesker rubs his temple. "These 90's pop culture references are killing me. Alright." He stiffly locks his arms by his sides. "If you want to help, then go.. freaking... well, Excella you can start by putting on a damn bra."

The once-calm-but-now-fiery Italian woman grits her teeth, glaring at Wesker. "How DARE you order me to do such a thing!" she yells, stomping her foot and inadvertently causing her boobs to flop out of her skimpy dress. Thankfully the censor blurs are quick to compensate. Excella calms down, tucking her chin to study the mishap. "Hmm. Ok, I see your point."

Irving nervously hands her his jacket and the two rush off to get changed into work clothes.

Whirling around three times, Wesker then slams his attentions toward Krauser. "Comrade Krauser, I need you to go spy on comrade Hunk who claims that he is spying on ex-comrade Ada, yet I really know that he's actually making out with her. Do this before things escalate and our comrade becomes a comdad."

Krauser psyches himself up quietly, and runs off. Little does he know that Hunk is secretly clinging to his back. Wesker sees this, and is about to say something, but stops. He shrugs to no one and reviews the rest of his crew.

Suddenly, from way down the beach, Salazar swervingly zips up in a miniature dune buggy and holds out an envelope. "Telegram for Meester Wesker."

Wesker bares his teeth and snatches the envelope. Salazar floors the gas and zips away again. Ripping open the seal, Wesker finds a note. He reads it aloud. "Dear Pesky Wesky, we will have such much better booths than you, you are dumb and stupid and a idiot ha ha ha ps this is Chris lol". Seething with molten fury, Wesker crumples the note in his hand and it incinerates to dust. "REDOUBLE YOUR EFFORTS TIMES TEN," he yells. "WE _HAVE_ TO BEAT THOSE GOODY-TWO-SHOES FOOLS."

"AYE-AYE!" the crew answers heartily.

Back at the good guy side of the beach, Leon is pounding some wood but good. Opposite him, holding up the wood that he is pounding, Claire encourages him with hardcore yelling. Caught up in the borderline carnage and general excitement, Brad is kneeling in the sand between them and looking back and forth from Leon to Claire, screaming at the top of his lungs. His face is really red.

Standing atop a lifeguard tower, Sheva constantly spins around while clutching some binoculars. She's got all possible entrances covered. Suddenly, she stops spinning and leans forward, wobbling a bit. "LOOK OUT!" she yells, pointing in the distance and promptly stumbling off of the tower into the sand below. "YA NEEDABE CAREFUL."

Everyone stops what they're doing, whipping out all manner of firearms. They spot Krauser chugging along the shoreline, hunched over. Seeing that he's been sought, the muscled mercenary looks around for a frantic moment before jumping awkwardly into the shallow surf.

"I can still see you!" Sheva yells, trying to get to her feet, still dizzy as heck.

Krauser holds his breath and sticks his face in the water.

Everyone just watches him. Hunk is still clinging to his back, but now he's just embarrassed by the whole thing. Hunk discreetly lets go and rolls off Krauser's back, running away.

A few bubbles break the surface near Krauser's head. After a moment, he pulls his head up, gasping loudly. Looking around, he notices that everyone is still looking at him. "GRR, no you don't see me, I'm invisible!" he growls.

Leon walks up, hands on hips. "Krauser what the HECK are ya doin' here," he demands demandingly.

Krauser jumps up, squaring off with the smaller, more beautiful man. "None of your BEESWAX, _COMRADE_," he grunts, putting HIS hands on his hips.

Leon slaps his face and runs off. Krauser tries to chase him, but trips over Anthony, who is still asleep. Jill cartwheels over and stands before the prone, struggling Krauser, sizing up the situation with her hands hanging by her sides and a thoughtful eyebrow quirked. She opens her mouth and coffee pours out, splattering onto Krauser's face. He squeals and flails about, defeated.

Chris runs up, holstering his gun. "Good work Jill," he says with a nod. "How long were you holding that coffee in your mouth?"

Jill tries to answer, but more coffee just spills out of her mouth, getting all over her shirt. She sighs and walks away to keep working on her booth.

Chris and Barry lean over to interrogate Krauser. "What's your problem, man?" Chris asks.

Krauser huffs and puffs for a few moments, but finally answers. "I'll never answer," he answers.

"LOGIC PUZZLE," Rebecca shrieks, racing forward to bury an intense World Cup soccer kick into Krauser's waiting stomach. He 'hoof's' dramatically, puking up a half-eaten cupcake before curling into a ball.

Suddenly, Salazar zips up on his dune buggy. He throws Krauser over the roll cage and flicks a booger at the good guys before racing off again at a high-pitched whine.

"Well, that happened," Claire states bleakly. "Ok back to work!"

Back on the bad guy side of El Beacho, Alfred is busy digging Krauser's grave. Wesker supervises, cackling evilly now and then. Carlos sings a really sad song.

"Oh you're back," Wesker mumbles suddenly, acknowledging Salazar as he drives up and dumps a sniffling Krauser onto the sand. Wesker hurriedly boots Alfred into the open grave, yielding a butthurt 'HEY' from the man.

Morpheus strides up, sipping on a coconut drink. "Soooo, how'd it gooooo," he asks casually.

Wesker shoves Morpheus out of the way. "Tell me everything that you found out," he demands, squishing Krauser's cheeky-weekys.

The blonde hunk of man-meat rises, nodding three or four times at his leader. "Yes," he answers. "The COMRADES have begun construction on their booths. I anticipate that they will finish them exactly at the same time that we finish ours."

Carlos raises his eyebrows. "Oh yeah? How d'you figure that?"

"Because the author is lazy."

Kamesen falls out of a coconut tree, slamming onto the beach. "I resent that statement!" he grunts. Wesker boots him into the open grave on top of Alfred. "ITAI."

Carlos furrows his eyebrows now, turning to stare at the tree. "Are coconut trees native to Japan?"

"They are today," Kamesen answers, his head poking up past the opening of the grave.

"How are you doing that?"

"I'm standing on Alfred's face."

Unintelligible angry screaming comes from below Kamesen. He rolls his eyes and climbs out of the grave with Marcus and Carlos's help, then begrudgingly reaches in and pulls Alfred out too. The sassy Ashford responds to his newfound freedom by screaming some more and tearfully assaulting Wesker with many slaps.

Wesker ignores the slappings while gazing over at the coconut tree. "We shall use its bark to build our booths," he grumbles happily. And then breaks into half an hour of wicked cackling. Everyone groans in dismay and tries to ignore him while they work.

As the sun dips to meet the waiting ocean on the horizon, and the city lights do their thing in the distance, our heroes, anti-heroes, villains, and general miscreants step back to admire the fruits of their laborious wood-pounding.

Chris, Sheva, and Leon have constructed a 'Chicken Chaser' booth. It's a simple yet effective design, featuring a main gate and a large pen. The goal is to run around the pen and grab up any chickens you can. The more you catch, the more you win! How fun.

Meanwhile, Jill and Ada have set up a 'Spy & Lockpick' booth. It consists of several small hallways with locked doors. The goal is to sneak past Jill and Ada, pick the locks on the doors, and escape. Simple enough, right?

Claire, Billy, Barry, and Josh have built a classic shooting range. Various targets have been set up, from circular targets to cutouts of Wesker, and the goal is to try and hit the bullseye. Nothing could possibly go wrong there!

Then we have Ashley and Steve's 'Makeover Booth'. The goal is to...let them make you more beautiful? I don't even know.

What fair is complete without a kissing booth? Brad and Anthony wound up manning that one, somehow. Good luck, fellows.

Wrapping up the good guys' side is the 'Science Booth', featuring The Birkins and Rebecca. They have set up a lab bench with test tubes, beakers, Bunsen burners, and other equipment. William insists that all the 'chemicals' featured are completely safe, and Annette even claims that it's all just apple juice and food coloring. But who knows?

First up on the bad guys' side is Wesker and Krauser's 'Give Us Your Money And We Won't Kick You' booth. I think I get the gist of what this one is about.

Next is the 'Punch Alfred' booth, featuring Hunk and Alfred. It's a very stark design, featuring a sign with an arrow pointing to a stool where Alfred sits. Yikes.

'Drama Theatre', on the other hand, is a complex and elaborate booth with rows of seats and a small stage. Marcus, Morpheus, and Kid Nemesis seem very proud of this one. Who knows what sorts of interesting shows they will put on?

Carlos, Salazar, and Kamesen man the 'Snacks and Whatnot' booth. What sort of tasty treats will the author cook up with the help of these misguided mercenaries? I'm the author, and even I don't want to know what they're cooking.

Finally, the RE4 merchant has set up shop as well. His booth is chock full of fun-filled fun toys and games rather than ridiculously powerful firearms, though. Good on him for keeping this a family-friendly environment or something.

Quite tuckered out from all their building and screaming and sabotaging and stuff, the groups set up respective camps involving all manner of tents and hammocks and sleeping bags. The night may be young, but tomorrow is a big day.. Possibly the biggest doggone day of their lives.

* * *

_Author's notes: Well grab your paintbrushes and color me excited, folks. We're slowly...steadily...crawling towards the climax of this amazing and well-written tale! Will the booths that the good and bad guys built be enough to raise five dollars for either side?! Who will raise the cold hard cash first?! What kind of hanky-panky nonsense is going to happen in the next chapter which is obviously going to be ridiculous fluffy filler bullcrap?! Keep this family-friendly, Kamesen! What the heck! Tune in next time to find out what the heck is up with Hunk and Ada (or not) and what the heck Alexia and Saddler are up to! ON THE NEXT 'RESIDENT EVIL: SUPER QUEST!' Please for f(car horn)ck's sake enjoy this nonsense._


	32. There's The Cream Filling

**Chapter 32: There's The Cream Filling**

The sun has sunk. The moon has risen. On the beach, the soft waves glisten. Two teams camp apart, with tents and beds. While visions of Resident Evil 5 dance through their heads ok that's enough of that.

Chris Redfield gets down and brown, fluffing his pillow excitedly. He is wearing a green t-shirt and comfy pajama pants. Chris makes himself comfortable on his sleeping bag and looks around the tent.

Barry Burton is combing his beard whilst seated upon his own sleeping bag. He is wearing a red tank top and polka-dot boxer shorts. Tucked beside his pillow is his ever-present squirtgun, freshly filled. Barry is definitely a no-nonsense man's man tonight.

Leon Kennedy seems to be asleep, but every so often he opens one eye and peeks around. He is wearing a blue t-shirt and flannel pajama bottoms because that's how he rolls. So fresh. So alert. With his dinosaur print sheets and triceratops sleeping bag.

Billy Coen plays a harmonica softly, ignoring the dozen or so boots that have been thrown at him over the course of the last half hour. He is shirtless, because it's laundry day. Thankfully he's got his 'I Love Lucy' boxers. And for some reason he's wearing his handcuffs dangling from one wrist again.

Josh Stone has procured a copy of the Resident Evil 5 game manual, and is skimming through it while he lays on his boat and helicopter themed sleeping bag. He is wearing an olive-green set of pajamas. Every so often he lets out a chuckle as he turns the page, shaking his head in bemusement.

"I'm hungry," Barry grumbles. Everyone just kind of ignores him. "I'm going to order a pizza." Out of nowhere he pulls out a rotary phone, clutching the receiver to his ear as he carefully dials a number.

Josh looks up from his manual for a moment, furrowing his brow. "If we do not have the money to purchase Resident Evil 5, then how is Barry able to order a piz-"

He is interrupted as Chris crawls over and plops a hand gently over his mouth. Josh glances at Chris, raising an eyebrow as the other man softly watches him and then begins to shake his head just slightly. After a moment, Chris gradually retreats to his sleeping bag, leaving Josh to stare worriedly at the ceiling of the tent.

"Yeah hello?" Barry grunts into the phone. "I want a pizza pie. ...Gimme da pizza pie." An uncomfortable silence passes. "Pizza pie, with toppings. Deliver it to the manly man tent on the beach. I'm the one with the beard."

The tent flap pops open, and a pizza man who looks suspiciously like Salazar enters. "Wan peetza for a meester Barry Burton," he announces, struggling to hide the malice and sadistic giggling from his voice.

"Oh boy," Barry grunts, reaching for the box. Leon wordlessly slaps it out of his hands. "Wuh?" Barry grunts, this time in a tone of surprise and betrayal.

"GET LOST," Leon yells at the pizza guy. Salazar shrieks and runs off, his 'Bominoes' hat flying off his head. Calming down then, Leon turns to his ol' partner. "Barrykins, you must be cautious. This close to the end of the story, they're gonna do everything in their power to stop us from winning and- BARRY!"

In the time that it took for Leon to speak his mind, Barry has already stuffed the entire pizza into his mouth. Leon narrows his eyes. "Barry, did you just put that whole pizza in your mouth?"

Barry's cheeks are ridiculously puffed out. He can't even close his mouth all the way. "Woh," he mumbles, shaking his head.

"Barry, spit that out this instant!" Chris pipes up, and swats the bearded man on the back of the head.

Stunned, Barry's eyes widen. He draws in a slow, long breath through his nose, wincing... and then releases a steady, rising cry which plateaus at a loud volume and then tapers off into muffled, broken sobbing, followed by a shrill gasp and more crying. Tears trickle down the burly man's cheeks as large bits of pizza fall from his quivering lips.

"Oh for Pete's sake," Chris grumbles, rolling his eyes. Leon sighs and folds his arms across his chest. Billy plays his harmonica louder over the din. Josh just puts the RE5 manual over his eyes and tries to sleep. Shoving aside his exasperation, Chris drops to a knee beside the seated Barry and gently pats his friend on the back. "There there, Barry. I know this has been stressful on all of us."

Barry slowly and gradually calms down, his mouth still full of half-chewed pizza and not a little slobber.

Josh plucks the manual off of his face just then, lifting his head to look at the others. "Uhh, was there poison in that pizza? You know. Poison that kills people?"

Chris, Leon, and Billy look at each other, considering this.

All at once, they spring into action. Billy lays Barry flat on his back, Chris props his feet up on a pillow, and Leon grabs a glass of milk with one hand while dialing poison control. Meanwhile, Barry swallows the enormous mouthful of pizza with one gulp.

"Aaah.. don't worry guys," he assures them. "I don't think there was any poison on that pie. I would have tasted it." Barry smiles softly. "No, just tomatoes and cheese and...uh oh.. cheese.." He begins to wince, his face scrunching up in an expression of emotional discomfort.

"What is it, Barry?" Chris asks, petting his teammate on the head. "What's wrong?"

A long, steady noise that sounds sort of like a solitary trumpet fills the tent. "Aaaah..."

Everyone screams bloody murder as they barrel out of the tent in a frantic stampede.

ooo

In the ladies' tent, Jill Valentine is non-stop chugging beers. She snaps open another can, downs it with a bland, unenthusiastic expression, and then belches horrifically. As the others do their best to ignore her, Jill tugs yet another can from the twenty-four pack and licks her lips. She is wearing blue boxer shorts and a blue tank top. For some reason, she refuses to remove her blue beret. Her sleeping bag is also blue. In fact, the beer she's drinking is blue, too.

"That's not beer," Claire Redfield mutters in stark exasperation, ignoring the crumpled can that bounces off of her head in response to that statement. "It's soda pop." Claire is wearing black pajama pants and a pink 'Made In Heaven' tank top. Her sleeping bag is motorcycle themed. She is currently polishing her crossbow which I completely forgot about until now.

"HAH HAH!" Ada Wong bursts out laughing, turning to stare in bewildered amusement at Claire. "You call it _soda pop?!_"

Claire glares at her. "I'll POP you one if you don't be quiet."

Ada's smile goes upside-down. She turns back around, sulking quietly. By the by, she's wearing a satin red nightgown and red cotton socks. Her sleeping bag. It is red. She is currently busy sulking.

Sheva Alomar, meanwhile, is listening to some tunes on her walkman. It's the orchestral cover of the original Biohazard soundtrack! Very nice. She's wearing a BSAA t-shirt and violet boxers. Somehow she is laying in a hammock.

Sherry Birkin is peering quizzically at character bios from RE6. She is dressed in a formal set of soft yellow pajamas, and laying on a comfy futon. Her pillowcase has a big knitted duck on it- a gift from her mother, no doubt.

Suddenly, Annette's head bursts into the tent. "SHERRYKINS!" she calls gleefully, "Are you enjoying your sleepov-"

"_GET OUT MOM I'M NAKED_" Sherry screams. Annette yells in horror, backing out of the tent like a rocket, continuing to yell as she trips over a nearby sand dune. Everyone in the ladies' tent kind of awkwardly looks at something or other as Annette's broken shrieking echoes into the night, scattered curses following pained grunts as she slams into various sand dunes the entire way down the bank, ending with a shrill half-cry and a hard splash as her body slaps the ocean.

"WILLIAAAAAAM. _WWWIIIIIILLIIIAAAAAAM._"

"BE SILENT, DEVIL WOMAN."

"WILLIAM YOU BASTARD. _YOU BASTAAAARD_."

"SHUT UP. I'M TRYING TO DO MY SCIENCE."

"LET ME BACK IN THE TENT."

"NO YOU'RE ALL WET. GO 'WAY."

"YYYYOOOUUU BAAA-HAAA-STAAAAARD."

Claire gives a sympathetic look to Sherry. "Your parents still haven't gotten used to you suddenly being twenty-five, eh?"

The former 12-year-old shakes her head. "No, they really haven't. It's beginning to irk me."

Sheva bites her on hand to keep from laughing aloud. Everyone turns to look at her as she silently wheezes in her hammock, tears forming in her squinted eyes.

Suddenly, a shadowy figure bursts into the tent! Jill immediately reacts by smashing a can of soda against its face. The figure collapses violently to the floor. As the other ladies watch in antici-, Jill nudges the figure with her foot, turning it onto its back. "...It's Hunk. He's been pecked to death."

Ada walks over, looking down at Hunk. "Hunk, what are you doing here," she says blandly.

The grizzled mercenary opens one eye, wincing at her. "I love you. We have a thing."

"Don't be that guy, Hunk." Ada shakes her head. "Don't be that guy."

Grumbling, Hunk gets up and runs out of the tent. "I used to be COOL in this story!" he yells.

Meanwhile, Claire confronts Sherry. "Sherald, I think it's time I gave you 'the talk'," she informs. Sherry just starts screaming, and Claire starts screaming too, and Jill grits her teeth and plugs her ears while Sheva turns her music up louder and Ada dives under her sleeping bag.

ooo

Elsewhere, past William and Annette's tent, an even smaller one-man tent is rustling on the beach beneath the moonlight. Let's be horribly nosy and see what kind of hanky panky is going on in there.

Inside the tent, Anthony Mihovich is constantly scooting toward the wall, even though he's already up against the wall. He's wearing an RPD t-shirt and some hand-me-down pajama pants from Leon. His sleeping bag is gray.

Rebecca Chambers lays opposite him, propped up on an elbow, wearing her gym uniform from that secret picture in RE2. Her sleeping bag is green and has a giant print of a marijuana- uh I mean 'herb' leaf on the front.

"Why do you keep trying to push yourself into the corner?" Rebecca asks, raising an eyebrow as she watches Anthony huff and puff.

He pauses for a second, sighing uncontrollably. "It's because the author has seen fit to pack the two of us into this ridiculously tiny one-person tent, and I'm trying not to be all up in your business and whatnot." He grunts and shuffles some more, but can't quite seem to not be touching the young scientist/field medic/basketball aficionado in some way or another.

Rebecca belts out a short, soft sigh of her own and closes her issue of 'Doobies Weekly'. She looks Anthony dead in the eyes. "There is only one way to resolve this," she states.

He blinks several times, his expression somewhat blank with a smidge of surprise. "Are we going to make pork sandwiches."

"No dummy, we're gonna hug it out!" Rebecca clarifies, popping him one across the jaw. Anthony rubs his face, thinking thoughtfully while nodding in submission.

"Ok. I got it. Ok. I am cool with this."

He lays on his side and opens his arms. Rebecca shuffles over, wrapping her arms around his torso. Anthony closes his arms around her, and thus, hug-mode is complete.

"There, see? Isn't this better?" Rebecca asks, her voice slightly muffled.

"Aha, I see," Anthony begins. "Now the readers are confused as heck. Are we just two comrades sharing a platonic embrace? Or is there something more.. A glowing ember sparked by the warmth of two bodies, the smell of your hair intoxicating me to near drunkenness, the sensation of a growing passion winding curiously as does the stem of a flower from the hearty foundation of mutual friendship-"

He pauses as he hears Rebecca snore lightly into his shirt. Anthony just gives an 'aw heck' smirk and closes his eyes, going to sleep as well.

ooo

"GAAAAAY!" Kamesen yells from across the beach.

Brad Vickers scowls at the ceiling of his tent, shaking a fist. "Keep the noise down out there!" he whimpers angrily. Brad is wearing bright yellow sweatpants and sweatshirt, complete with yellow wool socks. He has a racecar bed.

Sharing the tent with him is Steve Burnside, who is tucked halfway into his Linkin Park sleeping bag and reading a Goosebumps book. Steve is wearing a Blink 182 band shirt and Barney the Dinosaur boxers? What the hell.

Also in this tent is Ashley Graham, because it was mutually agreed that she wasn't allowed to share a tent with Leon. Ashley is wearing a pearl white slip, spun from the finest silk. Laying across her luxurious down sleeping bag, she idly teases the hem of her slip, smirking dangerously to imply that she may not even be wearing anything underneath-

"_HEY._" Kamesen bursts into the tent, pointing a finger at the young lady. "Let's keep this PG-13!"

Ashley sighs, rolling her eyes. "Are you SERIOUSLY interrupting your OWN story that YOU are writing at this VERY SECOND, in metaphysical fashion, to remind ME, a CHARACTER that YOU are writing, to keep this PG-13?" She shakes her head. "That's _absurd_."

"YOU'RE absurd!" Kamesen counters, his biting wit silencing the tent. Brad and Steve look on in uncomfortable terror. The author gestures with a hand towards Ashley. "Alright, let's see 'em."

Ashley's eyes widen at the request. "Ex_cuse_ me?"

Kamesen gestures again. "Come on, I need to make sure that you're wearing underwear."

She can hardly believe what she's hearing. A flush rises on her cheeks as she balls her fists by her sides. "You're unbelievable!" she yells. "You're the author; you're writing this RIGHT NOW! You KNOW I'm wearing underwear!"

"THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW!" Kamesen bellows. He shuts his eyes, exhaling quietly through his nose. "Miss Graham, if you please."

Steve squints in thought. "There's a _word_ for this.." he starts.

"It's called 'entrapment'," Ashley growls out of the corner of her mouth.

Brad is pretending to be asleep.

"Miss Graham," Kamesen repeats, his voice tinged with petulant impatience.

Suddenly, Ashley smirks. "Quid pro quo," she states. "If I do this deed, you owe _me_ one. One which you will commit to performing directly after I choose to go forward with fulfilling your request."

Kamesen shrugs. "Ok."

The smirk drops from Ashley's face. "Oh. I didn't think you would approve of that so quickly."

He shrugs again. "Yeah well anyway. Show 'em."

Ashley rolls her eyes for the three-thousandth time in her life and takes hold of her slip, tugging the material upwards to reveal-

"-silken pearl white lace panties entrenched between two chaste creamy thighs just as a pair of Christmas hams would embrace a bowl of stuffing, yes thanks for that," Kamesen intercedes, motioning with his hand. Ashley shakes her head in disbelief and drops the hem of her slip, letting it fall into place one more.

After taking a moment to gather the shreds of her dignity, Ashley nods to Kamesen. "Alright, now you."

"What?"

"Show me what YOU'RE wearing under there!" Ashley demands deviously, nodding once more and gesturing gracefully with a toss of her fair hand.

Kamesen shamelessly drops trou, revealing that he is wearing the same underwear as Ashley.

"GAAH!" Ashley shrieks, clutching at her eyes as she turns away. Brad dives behind Steve, sobbing, and Steve just shrugs.

"I think it's mondo sexy."

Kamesen makes a dismissive noise towards him. "No one cares what you think, Steve," he grunts, shuffling out of the tent with his pants around his ankles.

The trio just looks after him, Ashley shaking her head in utter disbelief. Finally, she sighs in relief and turns to look at Brad and Steve. "Well," she starts, smiling, "one lady alone in a tent with two men.." She lowers her tone slightly, while raising an eyebrow. "Any thoughts on what we could do?"

Steve grins. "You bet! We could make COOKIES!"

"NO!" Brad interjects. "We could make.. _CUPCAKES_."

Brad and Steve hop up and down and laugh excitedly while grabbing each other's arms. The smile on Ashley's lips remains. The smile in her eyes has died. She slowly turns around and crawls headfirst into her sleeping bag, where she lays motionless.

ooo

On the bad guy side of the beach, our villains have set up camp as well.

Ol' Albert 'Pesky Wesky' Wesker has distanced himself slightly from his cohorts, choosing to isolate himself in a black one-man tent. Every once in a while, maniacal laughter can be heard from within.

Hunk is in the process of proudly retreating to his own tent in the meantime. He shoves aside the entrance flap with one bold motion of his arm, and politely kicks off his shoes before stepping inside. He is wearing black boxer shorts and a black tank top. "Mission..failed," he grunts to himself as he sits down on his tactical black sleeping bag.

Carlos Oliveira looks up from his comic book. "Ya didn't get the girl, eh?" He shakes his head sympathetically. "That Ada's a slippery trout, she is." Carlos is wearing Banana Republic boxers and he's shirtless, because why not. Also, his sleeping bag is shaped like a banana? Ok.

Jack 'Funnypants' Krauser nods once in vicious, cold understanding. "I've worked with/fantasized about her before," he contributes, to everyone's uncomfortable surprise. "That bee-hotch wouldn't give me the time of day. And yet she's apparently had some sort of fling with a southern plantation owner in RE6."

Kamesen pops his head into the tent suddenly. "Krauser, crank your misogyny dial down a few notches. Also, quit talking about RE6; you all are still out to buy RE5, ok?" He vanishes.

Oh, by the way, Krauser's wearing uh.. I don't freaking know. Facepaint and red long johns. And his sleeping bag is a bunch of leaves he found on the ground.

Salazar is strangely quiet, meanwhile. His somewhat foiled attempt at poisoning Barry Burton with a magical fart pizza has left him quite tuckered out. He has fallen asleep in his Power Wheels jeep.

While Carlos messes with the radio in Salazar's jeep and tries to find some good music to listen to, Krauser full-on confronts Hunk about Ada The Spy.

"Listen," Krauser mumbles, leaning in towards the other grizzled mercenary. "It's no good for spies to fall in love. They'll inevitably backstab each other."

Hunk puffs on a cigarette, narrowing his eyes. "I'm already over her, man," he remarks, reverting to his 'cool/aloof' self.

Krauser's eyes widen in excitement. "Does that mean _I _can have her?!" he shrieks a little too loudly.

Hunk just stares sidelong at him, brow furrowed in hard disturbance. Krauser shifts his weight from one foot to the other for a moment, then just turns and runs off without waiting for an answer.

Four seconds later, a long cry of pain can be heard from further on down the beach.

Carlos queues up 'Spanish Flea' on the radio, sighing at the author's inadvertently racist overtones.

Kamesen rushes into the tent. "Sorry, sorry about that, sorry," he blurts, fiddling with the radio. 'Morning Bell' by Radiohead comes on. Carlos smiles, pinching Kamesen's cheeks before the author rushes back out, narrowly slipping past Krauser who stumbles into the tent and lands on his face.

"She punched me in my bad place," the musclebound maniac whimpers deadpan into the floor.

"Told ya." Hunk flicks his cigarette at Salazar, who wakes up with a bloodcurdling shriek and subsequently hits the gas pedal, tearing his jeep through the side of the tent.

Carlos sighs and picks his comic book up again.

ooo

Kid Nemesis sits outside of his tent, watching Salazar do doughnuts on the beach with his windows down and the system up. He is wearing itty-bitty striped pj's and a nighty-night cap. "Staaars," he growls lightly. Before him sits a can of beans above a tiny fire. Nemesis licks his teeth in anticipation of the midnight snack.

Inside that tent, James Marcus and Morpheus Duvall are playing checkers. Both of them are wearing light blue formal pajama sets. For some reason, they're sitting on a huge checkered picnic blanket.

"Checkmate," Morpheus says, moving a pawn forward one space.

Marcus sighs, shaking his head angrily as he moves a knight. "Stop saying 'checkmate' after every move!"

"Checkmate," Morpheus chirps, smiling and moving the same pawn forward again.

"STOPPIT," Marcus barks, swatting Morpheus's hand.

Morpheus gets up and runs outside, stumbling into the ocean and trying to swim away.

Marcus just shakes his head and knocks his own king over with a somber motion. "Checkmate," he whispers.

Nemesis is banging on his can of beans with a spoon, yelling and trying to make it pop open.

Five minutes later, Morpheus's body washes up facedown on the beach. He jumps up and runs over to the tent, making squishing noise the whole way.

"I want to play checkers instead," he demands, busting into the small dwelling.

Marcus inhales deeply through his nose and slaps aside the house of cards that he was making. Morpheus just grins.

"Will you two keep it down?!" Alfred shrieks. He is trying to sleep in the corner of the tent. Alfred is wearing regally-adorned suit pajamas and is currently laying in a luxurious four-post bed which somehow fits in their tent.

Morpheus shoots him a dirty, dirty look. "Hush up, Alfred!" he snoots.

"Yes," Marcus adds. "Can two gentlemen not enjoy a game of wits?"

"Over a spot of tea?" adds Morpheus, holding up a small teacup.

"With tophats?" Marcus contributes, putting on a tophat.

"And moustache-"

"SILENCE!" Alfred interrupts with a shriek that rivaled a howler monkey. Marcus and Morpheus continue to shoot the man dirty looks while they continue their game of something or other in silence. Alfred forces a hard smile and snuggles into the covers. "That's better," he murmurs.

From outside, Kid Nemesis roars in anguish and lets loose a horrid, wet fart.

Alfred's smile goes upside-down.

ooo

Finally, in Excella's tent, there are some questionable goings-on going on.

Excella is (barely) wearing an excruciatingly expensive pair of black lace panties, teasingly toying with some kind of equally expensive frilly bra. "Ooh, two men and one woman alone in a tent-"

"I already used that horrible joke," Kamesen states, deadpan.

The sultry seductress purses her lips, setting her fine jaw in frustration. Meanwhile, Irving is just on his hands and knees in the corner of the tent, wheezing and sweating.

"Do you feel no desire as your eyes gaze upon me?" Excella whispers, pouting ever so slightly.

Kamesen stops trying to dig something out of his ear for a second and regards the luscious woman. "I can't afford to. The readers wouldn't let me hear the end of it for trying to get with all the ladies in this story. In other news, I'm amazed that you even know what a bra is, much less where to find one."

Excella deals him a withering gaze. "I'm going to Wesky's tent," she mutters coldly, turning on her heel and stalking out of the tent. "At least he's a REAL man who APPRECIATES beauty!"

Frowning, Kamesen considers this. "I'm a real man," he mumbles, scratching the side of his face. "I appreciate booty. Uh, beauty." He glances over at Irving. "Irving how are ya."

Irving glances back at him, offering a creepy smile through streams of sweat. "Can I touch your butt?" he asks.

Kamesen stares at him for a good ten seconds, trying to comprehend the weight of what he has been propositioned with and why. "No," he states firmly, and turns toward the exit of the tent. Wesker rushes in suddenly, panting and even crying a little.

"Don'tletherfindme," he gushes, adjusting his shades with one hand while holding the tent flaps closed with the other.

Kamesen narrows his eyes, his lips forming a response, but he silences himself as the wailing moan of a heartbroken woman is carried throughout the beach.

"WWWEEEESKYYYYY!" Excella cries, gankily running down along the shoreline. "COME BAAAACK."

The sunglasses-wearing evildoer swallows visibly and furrows his brow. "What to do with these troublesome women," he laments aloud.

"Now Wesker," Kamesen tsks, "That's no way to encourage the growing feminist movement."

"Neither is writing an entire scene dedicated to Ashley Graham flashing her underwear," Wesker shoots back.

Kamesen gapes, raising an index finger as if to retort, but he then closes his mouth and bows his head in shame.

Irving pipes up, sweating furiously. "Won't you two just come up with a plan already?!" He offers a lopsided grin as he adjusts his stupid shirt. "Ya makin' me LOOK bad!"

Wesker grabs Irving and hurls him into the stratosphere. He then turns to Kamesen. "Alright, come on, what are we going to do about Excella." He snaps his fingers suddenly. "I've got it! You're the author; you can just write her out of the story or make her fall off a cliff or something."

"No," Kamesen replies gruffly, frowning in deep thought as he strokes his chin. "That would be abusing my authoritative powers."

Wesker's expression slackens. "...Four pages ago you made Ashley Graham expose herself to you."

"Will you drop that already?!" Kamesen shouts, pacing about anxiously. "How do you even know what's happening outside of your scenes anyway?!"

"I know many things," Wesker explains mysteriously, adjusting his shades. "Now help me with Excella."

"Refusal," Kamesen answers firmly. "Deal with it yourself."

"I WILL NOT," Wesker yells, grabbing Kamesen and picking him up by his shoulders. The gangly author kicks and squirms uselessly. "Get rid of Excella, or so help me I'll crush you as a frustrated four-year-old crushes a Capri Sun!"

Kamesen grimaces in pain. "You'll cease to exist if I die!" he counters, grunting.

"No I won't," Wesker counter-counters. "I'm Capcom's property, not yours. The worst that could happen if I kill you is this stupid story will finally end. Hey.." A thoughtful expression crosses his face. "That's not such a bad idea..."

Suddenly, Excella bursts into the tent, jiggling this way and that. "WESKY!" she shrieks, breaking a mirror thirty miles away.

Wesker remains calmly stoic despite the clawing fear in his heart. He football-spikes Kamesen to the floor, lifting his chin proudly to confront Excella. "No respectable member of my cadre prances about in such inefficient gear. Go put some damn clothes on, woman!"

"No!" Excella yells, striking a runway pose. "I'm _empowered!_"

Kamesen, laying crumpled on the floor of the tent, waves his hand weakly in her direction. Suddenly, Excella is wearing power armor. "There," the author croaks. "_Now _you're empowered."

Excella gasps, looking over her cool new gear. "WHEEEEEE!" she screams, turning around abruptly and stomping off into the night. Irving falls through the roof of the tent and slams into the floor.

Wesker quietly combs his hair in thought, staring after Excella. "I don't think that's the explicit type of empowerment to which she was referring to," he ponders. "Rather, the implicit sense that she can wear whatever she pleases, while rising above the petty, thoughtless opinions of those who would judge her."

Kamesen stares at the hole in the tent for a full twelve seconds before fainting.

ooo

"I miss Salazar," Saddler laments, chewing on a hamburger. Suddenly disgusted with his meal, he tosses it away from himself. Two cerberus smash through a window and violently ravage the half-burger in seconds, a blurred mess of garbling, snarling violence which vanishes as soon as it had appeared. Saddler blinks at the aftermath of the spectacle, unnerved.

"I miss Alfred," Alexia contributes. She purses her lips then. Her shoulders begin to bounce, and soon she is laughing heartily. "Hahah, no I don't. That's dumb. Anyway.." the mad queen mashes a giant button on her throne, summoning a huge screen. The screen crackles to life, featuring an old zombie butler standing in a room somewhere in the bowels of the fortress. "Zombie butler," Alexia addresses sharply.

The undead servant wobbles a bit on his feet, coming to attention. "Yes, Queen Alexia," he mumbles.

"Bring me Kamesen, immediately!" Alexia orders.

"Er.. yes, Queen Alexia."

"And call me empress!"

"As you say, Empress Alexia."

"GOOD."

Twelve years later, the zombie butler shuffles into the massive throne room at an excruciatingly slow pace.

Saddler has died of old age. Annoyed, Alexia hurls a plagas needle at him. The zombie juice flows through Saddler and he jumps up in his seat, looking around. "Gah what, I'm awake, what!"

Meanwhile, Alexia glares at the zombie butler. "Took you long enough. Now, where's Kamesen?"

The zombie butler stops in his tracks, looking confused. "Kamesen? Who's that?"

Alexia smiles slowly, the kind of smile that she does with her mouth but not her eyes. Her eyes are full of furious, burning rage that is hotter than the sun.

Two seconds later, the zombie butler is launched out of the window via catapult.

ooo

Kamesen is sitting in his tent, playing 'flapjacks' with Irving and Excella. Excella has grown tired of her power armor and has returned to wearing somewhat revealing undergarments. Kamesen and Irving sweat profusely and do not dare judge her.

Suddenly a zombie butler smashes into the sand outside the tent. Kamesen runs outside, squinting in the night to see what the heck is going on. He surveys the crumpled body of the zombie butler. "Oh great, Alexia wants to talk to me." He sighs and starts walking towards the ocean.

Thirty-seven years later, Kamesen walks into the castle, sopping wet. He wrings his shirt out on the floor and ruffles his hair.

Saddler has died eight more times, but Alexia keeps reviving him with zombie juice. "KAMESEN," she yells as the author approaches her throne.

"Yes Alexia," Kamesen answers, taking a knee and then standing and turning around three times before curtsying, as is custom when approaching Alexia.

The deadly woman regards him with obvious distaste. "You are a horrible little man," she states.

"Yes I am," Kamesen answers firmly, standing tall.

Alexia waves her hand. "Get out of my sight; you disgust me."

Kamesen shrugs and turns around, walking back out of the castle.

Five minutes later, Alexia is eating a soup but she remembers something and spits it out. "WAIT, SH(car horn)T I WANTED TO ASK HIM SOMETHING." Concentrating, Alexia holds her arms parallel to her face. "TELEPORTATION~"

ooo

Back on the beach, Kamesen is poking at the fire outside his tent, when Alexia suddenly appears above him in an explosion of flame and mystery. "HOLY CRAP!" Kamesen yells, falling on his ass.

Alexia stares down at the author, waving her arms and hands and making ghost noises. Wesker walks out of his tent for one second but then quickly and seemingly without emotion turns and walks right back into his tent, zipping it up.

"KAMESEN," Alexia booms. Alfred squeals at the sound of his sister's voice, runs for the entrance of his tent, but trips and knocks himself out.

"WHAT," Kamesen cries, throwing himself to his knees before the incredible spectacle which is both awe-inspiring and really scary.

"Why isn't this stupid filler chapter over yet?" Alexia demands.

"I DO WHAT I WANT!" Kamesen insists, punching the sand before him.

Alexia summons a fireball and aims it carefully at his groin.

"OK, CHAPTER'S OVER!" Kamesen yells immediately.

* * *

_Next time, on Resident Evil: Super Quest! The groups reveal their booths to the general public! Whose booths will raise the most money? Bring in the most bread? Rake in the most revenue? Frighten the most children? Will the good guys succeed in raising the five dollars necessary to buy Resident Evil 5 before the bad guys beat them to it? Pulse pounding action! Sappy romance! Disgusting sexism! *Alexia aims another fireball at my groin* Toned-down sexism! *Alexia makes the fireball larger* Zero sexism! Er, tune in next time to see how everything turns out! G-goodbye, folks!_


End file.
